Husband cannot deal with second baby

[shropsgirl]

I recent found out that I am 5 weeks pregnant with my second baby. My DS is nearly two and we have good life, if not busy as we both work full time. My husband never wanted children but 'let' me have one as he felt it was unfair to deny me. He is a great dad. My second pregnancy is unexpected but I think I'm happy and I'd like to keep it. My husband does not and feels very strongly that I should end the pregnancy. We are at the point where we have said our marriage is basically over either way - if I have the baby he will leave (which I just cannot get my head around) and if get rid of it to keep him happy I will never forgive him. He is 45 and feels he is too old. I am 38 and would love my boy to grow up with a sibling. We can afford a second and I know I would love this baby but I do also respect his views. However, the thought of ending this pregnancy makes so sad. We have been married 9 years. I feel so sad and disappointed and do not know what to do next.

As he was so adamant about only having one child, I presume he was taking full responsibility for contraception? Honestly OP your child will be much better off with a sibling than with a father who never wanted children.

If he would leave you over this, then he evidently doesn't love you. He's not much of a husband, is he?
When I fell unexpectedly pregnant with our 3rd, my DH said it was my decision and he would go along with whatever I chose. We got as far as the bpas clinic (We went together) and had the scan, when I asked to see the heartbeat and decided that this baby was going to be born and loved. He supported me all the way and loves all 3 of our dc.
That is how a real husband behaves.
You should definitely leave this waste of space man, regardless of what you choose to do about the baby.
Thinking of you xx

Poor thing . If he didn’t want another child he should have had a vasectomy or in the very least used condoms. He’s being a selfish prick, I’d keep the baby and let him go.

@Shropsgirl I am the same age as you and currently 27 weeks pregnant and wasn't expecting this (although we knew what we were doing and were careful, it's happened still) I don't think I could have lived with terminating but am lucky as my hubby is supportive.

Out of interest was your husband careful when you had sex as he must know sex causes pregnancy. If not, then he has to blame himself for not being more careful, he cannot put all the blame on you.

You do what is best for you and your future, he cannot force you into anything.

I'd keep the baby whatever he said.
He's on the hook for financial support, whether he's around or not.
If he didn't want another, he should've taken more responsibility for contraception.
Personally, I could never get over "getting rid of" a perfectly healthy child. What he is asking is unforgivable. My marriage would be over at that point

As you said your marriage is more or less over, you are financially independent ..go with your heart, do what’s best for you and your son.

Personally, I could never get over "getting rid of" a perfectly healthy child. What he is asking is unforgivable. My marriage would be over at that point

Comments like these shame women into thinking abortion is taboo, when it is a perfectly acceptable health choice. Please stop spouting it. Obviously the OP is on the side of continuing which is her choice, but abortion was an equally valid and acceptable choice too

@Refreshed no, I won't stop spouting it because it is what I think. I made it clear it was a personal point of view, and the OP was asking for people's thoughts.
Obviously abortion is legal, and it is every woman's right to choose what they want to do.
I am not shaming anyone.
In this situation, the husband is being totally unreasonable (again, in my opinion). She wants the child and he is threatening to end a marriage if she doesn't go through with a medical procedure. Surely that's an act of oppression if ever there was one?

Sorry you're going through this.

There's really no point in lecturing you about how you shouldn't have had the first child with someone who wasn't into it and had to persuaded and "let" you do it, but what has been done has been done. Having children is one of the biggest things you go through in your life and for the sake of the child, it should be done with someone who's on the same page with you. There are clearly huge communication problems between you two if that wasn't addressed properly, and it looks like contraception and the possibility of pregnancy weren't addressed in advance either. On top of that, if as you said your marriage is over either way because of this, it's just another thing showing that it was doomed from the beginning. All of this could have been avoided with healthy communication, but you can't turn back time and the best you can do is to evaluate what's best for you and your children in this very moment.

It sounds like you're determined to have this baby and you have financial means to provide for your family on your own. That's all that matters because you're able to give those children a stable family. This man isn't. Whatever you do, please don't "stay together for the kids" in order to let them have a family. That's not a family, that's an artificial creation waiting to shatter. Been there, done that - as a child in marriage like that. There's nothing I would wish more than having my parents separate when I was little or even before I was born. They would have done me a favour and spare me years of trauma of being unwanted and unloved by my father and watching my mother being unwanted and unloved. It messed up my life and I needed years to overcome the issues it caused.

Also, don't stay with him just because he's less financially stable and has nowhere to go if you separate. That's not your problem, you owe him nothing, but you owe a future to your children. A loving and stable one. He's a grown up employed man and he's welcome to create a life he wants on his own if family life is not what suits him. You have to think of yourself and your emotional needs, not him. You deserve more than this selfish, immature man.

Good luck xx

I agree with a pp, if he decides to stay (assuming you are keeping baby) then only let him stay if he is fully committed to being a good father to the baby.

Years ago we had one DD, a bit of a miracle baby as we'd been told it was hugely unlikely we'd conceive naturally. We'd also had unsuccessful IVF but lo and behold, we managed to conceive her. After that we didn't bother much with contraception because we thought it was a fluke. It wasn't! Two years later I found out I was pregnant again and he was shocked. Said he didn't know if he could love another child as much as the one we had and asked me to abort. I refused and went ahead with the pregnancy.

Well, I wish he had left. He was always a pretty crap father but he was worse after DD2 was born. He treated DD1 as the golden child and blamed DD2 for anything and everything. As she got older she knew this too. I never really got over him asking me to abort DD2 and our marriage has deteriorated gradually ever since.

Make your own choice OP and if it's what you want then keep the baby. Just make sure he's either 100% on board with it or make him leave.

You seem that u want your baby so i would continue with the pregnancy. Age doesnt matter u seem more than able to cope with 2 on your own.
Good luck op x

You sound in a great position to have the 2nd DC alone.

Interesting that so many assumed OP would be left penniless and struggling as a single mom with 2 children.

Great to read that OP is in a strong financial position and can support herself and her children.

I had similar comments from people making assumptions that I must be renting my property and living hand to mouth as a single mom.

Yes, it's a juggle being a single mom but all these comments warning OP to think how exhausted she'll be as a single mom are a bit over the top.

Parenthood is hard whatever the shape and size of your family.

OP; your marriage is over. You decide
what happens next. But if he thinks he can get payouts from you, he can take a running jump! I hope you quite rightly tell him your money is needed to support HIS children.

Whatever you decide to do is up to you. This is your life. But I'm sure you'll be infinitely happier as a single mom than you would be with such a cold unsupportive man.