Husband cannot deal with second baby

[shropsgirl]

I recent found out that I am 5 weeks pregnant with my second baby. My DS is nearly two and we have good life, if not busy as we both work full time. My husband never wanted children but 'let' me have one as he felt it was unfair to deny me. He is a great dad. My second pregnancy is unexpected but I think I'm happy and I'd like to keep it. My husband does not and feels very strongly that I should end the pregnancy. We are at the point where we have said our marriage is basically over either way - if I have the baby he will leave (which I just cannot get my head around) and if get rid of it to keep him happy I will never forgive him. He is 45 and feels he is too old. I am 38 and would love my boy to grow up with a sibling. We can afford a second and I know I would love this baby but I do also respect his views. However, the thought of ending this pregnancy makes so sad. We have been married 9 years. I feel so sad and disappointed and do not know what to do next.

Maybe he is a little shocked ? He may come round in time .Meanwhile since you are presumably not an amoeba, he has enjoyed having sex with you and parenting your DS. I never really know what to say about men "who never wanted children "but "agreed to just the one " rather like ordering a few drinks in a pub! The facts are you are a family now, and like it or not he will be a father for a second time l ! Even if he moves out he would still be expected to contribute FFS! Speak to him and explain you want to keep the baby, and he will have to decide one way or another .Maybe a family member /close friend could get to the bottom of why he is so anti a second child!

You may not have got pregnant intentionally op, but you still have the luxury of being able to make the decision of what’s going to happen next. You have the choice of termination and keeping your family intact, or having the baby and going it alone. There is a chance of your oh changing his mind at some point. But you only get one life and he didn’t want to spend his raising kids. You agreed on one child as a very reasonable compromise and that’s what you’ve got. If the relationship is over either way then you may as well keep the baby. If there’s still a chance for you two, then you need to consider the fact that you may be a single mother to two children, and how growing up in a broken home is going to affect the child you’ve already got

Wow - yes I'm so lucky have the wonderful 'luxury' of a choice. Thanks.

Thanks to everyone who has offered supportive messages. It is really helpful to hear your insights. X

If he chose not to use condoms or have a vasectomy, then this is just as much on his shoulders as yours.

But I do sadly think your marriage is done over this. Either way you are going to resent him. And I personally couldn't forgive his reaction to this.

If you can financially support 2 DC, and have a good support network of family/friends, then go ahead with the pregnancy. Ultimately it's your body, your choice. What a horrid situation to find yourself in

I agree with others that if he felt so strongly he should have had a vasectomy.

Its your choice to make, its your body which will go through the termination or pregnancy, its not easy either way.

I had an unplanned pregnancy that DH wanted me to terminate. It led to a miserable pregnancy but a gorgeous baby. It damaged our marriage which will never fully recover but we have a DC who is loved by us both .

I don’t know why people are saying he should have used better contraception etc..It’s a bit late now! “Should haves” won’t help the OP.

In your situation I think you need to focus on how you will feel if you have an abortion. You will cope with a divorce etc as there’s lots of practical steps and support to help you build a new life. But having an abortion for someone else can have life long impacts. Abortion is never easy no matter what the circumstances, but if it genuinely isn’t what you feel the right thing to do then it’s a huge risk to your future health and well being. Guess I’m saying a broken marriage is much easier to deal with than a regretted abortion. Good luck OP.

and how growing up in a broken home is going to affect the child you’ve already got

I'd never take advice from anyone who uses the term "broken home". What a load of shit.

Sadly, the very (and INCREDIBLY selfish) fact that he's co-created this pregnancy and then has the audacity to force this ultimatum on you, the mother of his child(ren), pretty much ruins your relationship (as you've said)... So your decision to continue with this pregnancy and be a parent - or not - to two children is solely yours. Horrible, but liberating in its own way, OP. His behaviour is just unforgivable and he doesn't deserve the family he already has.

I agree, if he has not used condoms or had a vasectomy this is as much his 'fault' as it is yours.

I too would keep the baby and dot h the husband, I would ever be able to forgive anybody who coerced me into a termination that I did not want.

I agree, Ygritte.

@Herpesfreesince03 but op already said she couldn’t forgive him for making her go through with an abortion just to keep him happy. So even if she had the choice and went for an abortion her family wouldn’t be intact!

Sorry you are in this position OP.

It's a sad thing to say but I'd look at this from the perspective of what's the least worst outcome.

You need to decide this for yourself, but if faced with this choice I'd keep the baby.

The reason being I think the worst outcome would be a living with the emotional impact of an unwanted termination to save (as a result of his ultimatum) a damaged marriage.

The problem here is that you can't put the car back in the bag (or the sperm in the condom more accurately). There's no option that will put you back to where your marriage/family was before you got pregnant.

The only way is forward and I don't think your DH fully understands this. A termination doesn't revolve this issue, it creates a whole new (and very damaging) set of issues.

Obviously the situation would be different if you didn't want the baby, but you do and you're as entitled to your feelings on this as he is (if not more so given whatever the choice it's your body that will be impacted).

In truth, if he felt so opposed to having another child it was his responsibility to stop that from happening after your first child was born by having a vasectomy. He chose not to do this and this pregnancy is the consequence.

If you do decide to have the baby there is a chance he might come around, but regardless I'd be planning to go it alone as I'd find it hard to move on from his attitude to this pregnancy.

Good luck whatever you decide

His reaction might be wrong but he’s not wrong to have not wanted children. My husband is 45 he’d feel the same I’ve just turned 39 and I couldn’t imagine going through it again. We have an 8 and 3 yo and he didn’t want kids either we had one and agreed on 2 so ds1 had a sibling. He still isn’t a natural father, doesn’t enjoy their irrational nature and finds it more difficult as he gets older.

However what contraception was being used if he was that sure he didn’t want anymore?

Obviously you will keep your baby with or without his support. Tell him you won't be having a termination and don't discuss it further for now. It is likely he will come round to the idea. He has only known for four days, he is likely to be in shock, and lots of emotional pressure won't help either of you. Give him time. I had an unplanned pregnancy and it took me about five months to come round, it must have been very difficult for my husband as I couldn't get excited and all I could see were potential problems. I'm sorry he isn't being the support you need now, hopefully in time he will be able to make it up to you.

I had a baby on my own.

It’s a baby not the end of the world!

If you’re marriage is over either way, do what you want to do. This is EXACTLY what my ex did to me, said he’d leave, and did, if I kept DS - ex refused to use condoms as he ‘didn’t like them’ and knew I wasn’t on the pill so 🤷🏻‍♀️

Your husband disgusts me quite frankly, how anyone could do that to his wife and children is beyond me. Do what’s best for you and DS.

It is a decision that is entirely in your hands. I wouldn't like to be guilted into a termination and that pretty much would be the end of the marriage me - regardless of my choice. For me, the resentment would be burning like the fires of hell.

I do feel a little bit for him if he only was prepared to have one child. (Just a little) However if he felt that strongly, he should have bagged it or snapped it and not relied on you to prevent a pregnancy.

You alone will know what you want deep down and what you can live with and manage. It is a bloody horrid situation though and an ultimatum which will not be good for either of you.

If you’re marriage is over either way, do what you want to do.

This.

Absolutely this.

Every man knows that he has no choice about keeping or terminating an unplanned pregnancy if it happens. The law is very clear and has been since termination became legal nearly 50 years ago. Strangely I don’t know any men who don’t have sex as a result.

How long has he actually known about the pregnancy for? It's very early days so I don't think either of you should rush into a decision about the pregnancy or the marriage.

Can you have some counseling? Or could he move out for a week so get some headspace and some experience of not living with you and his DC?

If you're considering ending the marriage either way then you need to see a solicitor to understand what the likely outcome is of a divorce. You say he would struggle financially. Have you taken into account giving him half the equity in the house? Half your pension? Half your savings? Would you owe him spousal maintenance? What support network do you have if he decides to not be a part of the children's lives at all? How do you think the baby will feel knowing his/her father didn't want them?

Personally I wouldn't bring a child into the world knowing that one parent didn't want him/her. I couldn't cope with two kids alone in my 40s. In some ways the baby stage is easiest. I'd find a way to be happy with what you have and not blow the family apart.

One thing I will say is that if you do decide to keep the pregnancy and he does decide to stay (you said he has nowhere else to go so it is quite possible that he will decide to stay once he realises that he can’t push you into an abortion) then he needs to be 100% on board with the pregnancy. You mustn’t let him stay “under sufferance” where you are apologising for morning sickness and doing all the nights. If he’s in, he’s on. Otherwise he is out.

If you are just 5 weeks pregnant you must have literally just found out and emotions will be raw and everything in turmoil. In a few weeks things may feel very different. If your DH categorically didn't want any more children then he should have had a vasectomy, it takes two to make a baby so this is not all your fault.
I'm so sorry you are going through this.
If you have an abortion but really want to keep the baby it will be hard for resentment not to damage your relationship. If you keep.the baby your DH may come round in time and love his child but theres no guarantee.
He isn't too old at 45 , it is on the cusp but I've had friends who have had babies at 45 and it's fine, you can't always predict what life will throw at you.
You are financially independent so I think you are in a strong position to decide what right for you but that doesn't make it emotionally any easier, especially with your existing DC to consider. But ultimately if you can't pull together at a time like this it may not be the strong supportive relationship as you need and deserve, he should not be issuing any ultimatums. 💐

@shropsgirl

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