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Original poster

Abuse - termination in second trimester

59 replies

Feelingverysad5 · 01/02/2020 20:02

Hi everyone. I’ve come on here to hopefully get some kind words. I’m 21 weeks with my second baby and tonight I’m really struggling to decide if a termination would be the right thing to do.
My (now ex) partner has been abusive towards me for the last three years or so due to a drug habit. I’ve been called horrible names, everyone thinks I’m crazy and I’ve been pushed around and kicked.
For the last few months he’s had me convinced that he’s now off the drugs but yesterday I found evidence that he’s not and in fact is worse than ever, even doing it in our hone with our four year old around.
I’ve confronted him about this and been told I’ve imagined it and I’m a lunatic, the usual.
I’m heart broken. I’ve managed to get him out of the house and he has no way to get back in. As it’s now affecting not only me but my child (financially and witnessing these things happening to me and starting to understand).

My problem is now that he’s gone I don’t have any money. I only have a few months left until the baby comes and I have nothing, there was never any money to buy anything. I just can’t afford another baby on my own.

I’m really considering having termination and just making out that i lost her. I know it’s awful and I’m crying my eyes out thinking about it but I just can’t do it.
I’ve been trying to google anyone else’s termination experiences after 20 weeks but they’re all for medical reasons and this makes me feel even worse.
The abuse this pregnancy has really affected me, I’ve lost a lot of weight and my baby is well below average measurements.

I guess I just wanted some support and if possible anyone else’s experience of termination this late for non medical reasons?
Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
Feelingverysad5 · 01/02/2020 20:03

Every time there’s an altercation between us it gets worse and I’m really scared for my own safety if it’s to happen again

OP posts:
Original poster
Feelingverysad5 · 01/02/2020 20:05

Sorry should have added for anyone that’s going to say I should claim benefits, I already claim them as a single person as I can hardly ever get money from him but my money will only pay the rent and just about have enough left to feed us

OP posts:
Honeybee85 · 01/02/2020 20:05

Flowers I wish you strength.
Whatever the decision, it won’t be an easy one.

If you want to keep the baby and practical reasons are the only thing that are standing in the way, seek help please.

Original poster
Feelingverysad5 · 01/02/2020 20:06

I really love this baby, I have named her already and feel her kicking all the time. But I just can’t cope anymore

OP posts:
WorriedMum6868 · 01/02/2020 20:06

Oh god....you poor thing. What an awful situation to be in. I totally understand your desire to terminate.....you dont want to be tied to this idiot, nor do you want him in your dc's lives. He is an abusive drug user. No one wants a termination, but honestly, l would do the same as you. Good luck

GoodbyePorpoiseSpit · 01/02/2020 20:08

You are thinking in the most maternal and selfless way possible - the desire to protect your baby no matter the personal cost. However, it sounds like a termination would be incredibly painful for you and affect you very deeply, not to mention the stress of arranging it all. The abuse IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Can you call woman’s aid? If you are in danger right now call the police. You are worth so much more than this and so are your DC Flowers

Dangermouse80 · 01/02/2020 20:09

You deserve better. Keep the baby and start a new life. It will be hard, no money but things will improve. Staying with him will drain you more (financially and emotionally). If you abort the baby you will simply hate yourself. Move forward with a new life. Contact support charities and move forward.

39Suzy · 01/02/2020 20:14

I had a TFMR at 24 weeks 2 years ago, you will have to go through a feticide procedure and labour in order to deliver your baby. It was simply the hardest thing i have ever done even though i knew my little boy would never survive.

I hope you can find some help to escape this relationship to protect you and your girl.

Wishing you love and strength whatever you decide x

Babyg1995 · 01/02/2020 20:15

Definitely call women's aid and speak with your midwife .there is lots of charities that could help are you working or entitled to more benefits now as a single parent ? .women's aid can help you keep him out your and dcs life's .

MynameisJune · 01/02/2020 20:15

Have you done all calculations on websites like entitledto with the new baby being here? So you know what you would get? It sounds like you really don't want to terminate but you're understandably scared of the future.

Talk to your midwife and see what help there is in your area. She can refer you to food banks and any local baby banks.

GeePipe · 01/02/2020 20:18

Op keep your baby. You know deep down you would never forgive yourself. You have already mentioned the bond and love you have for her. Get away from him as far away as you can and make sure you get every benefit you are entitled to. Good luck

Original poster
Feelingverysad5 · 01/02/2020 20:22

I hate myself anyway. I just feel like a tramp and a scrounger because someone who was supposed to love me chose drugs instead and I’ve never been brought up like that. I have to terminate

OP posts:
Original poster
Feelingverysad5 · 01/02/2020 20:25

I’m so mortified and upset

OP posts:
GeePipe · 01/02/2020 20:29

No you dont have to terminate. And benefits arent forever. Can you speak to your gp or midwife about accessing some mental health support as you go through this break up?

Krazynights34 · 01/02/2020 20:30

You have to do whatever is best for you and both your children.
Have you spoken to any support services about termination so you can understand what will happen procedure wise and get referred for mental health care before and afterwards ?
If you are still weighing up the possibility of having the baby, could you contemplate adoption if the idea of termination is too much?
And regardless of the termination are you sure you are accessing all the benefits you may be entitled to?
I feel for you so much.

Hugtheduggee · 01/02/2020 20:30

At this stage, your baby is fully formed, and so you'd need to both be given an injection to kill her and then give birth. If you really don't think you can keep your baby because of your situation (though I really hope you find a way that you can) giving up your baby to be adopted would be less cruel on the child. Babies have survived at the gestation you are now at. A tfmr, where the baby would be very poorly or in pain is a kindness to stop a child from suffering. Your perfectly healthy baby is on the verge of being viable.

Baby things can be bought either very cheaply or through donations (we've got several schemes locally, or just ask on a FB selling group), and they don't need much.

If you've already bonded to this baby, then fight to continue to bring it into this world. what it needs, is love, and of you can offer it that, there is a solution to everything else.

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 01/02/2020 20:34

Not me personally but I know someone who terminated for non medical reasons at 24 weeks - she effectively had to give birth to the baby - whilst she received support from the abortion clinic (UK) the response was very much you're choices have got you this point (i e you've left this far too late) and you are aborting a healthy baby therefore you have to see it through the hard way.
I'm not telling you this to be harsh/judgemental just relaying this persons experience

(Please don't lie and say you've "lost" the baby if you decide to terminate - it's upsetting to those that genuinely have had second trimester losses)

RandomMess · 01/02/2020 20:37

Thanksthinking of you whatever you decide.

Oliversmumsarmy · 01/02/2020 20:49

I would check to see you are claiming everything as a single parent.

Every time there’s an altercation between us it gets worse and I’m really scared for my own safety if it’s to happen again

If he is out of your life then you shouldn’t have to go through this
You can always get an injunction if he comes round and threatens you.

If he does come round then you don’t have to engage with him.

I think at this stage you have bonded with your little girl and to go through a termination will do you more harm than good.

Look to maybe move away and start afresh without him knowing where you live.
Goes without saying don’t put him on the birth certificate

You are not a tramp and not a scrounger you are a single parent who needs help to get on your feet.

fibeee · 01/02/2020 21:07

Please speak to a midwife about your options. Termination is not the only option here there is also adoption which would give your baby a chance at life. You will need to deliver them anyway if you go through a termination at this late stage.

Also please speak to the police to get protection from this guy and get him out of your life.

NYCDreaming · 01/02/2020 21:21

It sounds like an utterly awful situation and my heart goes out to you Flowers

Both of your options sounds really shit and I wouldn't judge you for choosing either one of them!

Whatever happens, it sounds like you need to separate from your partner immediately for your own safety.

Maybe you could work out what your life would look like if you chose an abortion, and if you chose to keep the baby. Check on Entitled To, ring Women's Aid and speak to your midwife. Get all of the information you can, and then make that decision as best you can.

Maduixa · 01/02/2020 21:40

I just feel like a tramp and a scrounger because someone who was supposed to love me chose drugs instead ...

Whatever you decide about the pregnancy, please understand that for an addict, "choice" as we know it does not exist. He's not choosing between drugs and you, like you'd choose which shirt to wear or which man to date or which job offer to accept. He literally does not see you right now. Unfortunately, if he's that far gone - you're going to have to make this decision on your own, as if he does not exist.

PurpleDaisies · 01/02/2020 21:43

Please don't lie and say you've "lost" the baby if you decide to terminate - it's upsetting to those that genuinely have had second trimester losses

How would anyone know? Nobody is going to be forensically questioning the op to find our exactly what happened and when.

Op it sounds like you don’t want an abortion. There is financial support out there for single mothers. It’s tough but people do it every day.

Maggie272 · 02/02/2020 00:08

Thinking of you honey. For different reasons I have been considering a termination, and it's very hard. As I said different situations but one thing I'm afraid of is how I will feel afterwards. Xxx

Jesskir89 · 02/02/2020 00:17

This is such a sad termination but having lost a baby previously at 16 weeks I couldn't imagine losing one at 21 weeks.... Is it even legal? The baby is fully formed, i agree with pp about maybe looking at adoption instead?

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