Abuse - termination in second trimester

[Feelingverysad5]

Hi everyone. I’ve come on here to hopefully get some kind words. I’m 21 weeks with my second baby and tonight I’m really struggling to decide if a termination would be the right thing to do.
My (now ex) partner has been abusive towards me for the last three years or so due to a drug habit. I’ve been called horrible names, everyone thinks I’m crazy and I’ve been pushed around and kicked.
For the last few months he’s had me convinced that he’s now off the drugs but yesterday I found evidence that he’s not and in fact is worse than ever, even doing it in our hone with our four year old around.
I’ve confronted him about this and been told I’ve imagined it and I’m a lunatic, the usual.
I’m heart broken. I’ve managed to get him out of the house and he has no way to get back in. As it’s now affecting not only me but my child (financially and witnessing these things happening to me and starting to understand).

My problem is now that he’s gone I don’t have any money. I only have a few months left until the baby comes and I have nothing, there was never any money to buy anything. I just can’t afford another baby on my own.

I’m really considering having termination and just making out that i lost her. I know it’s awful and I’m crying my eyes out thinking about it but I just can’t do it.
I’ve been trying to google anyone else’s termination experiences after 20 weeks but they’re all for medical reasons and this makes me feel even worse.
The abuse this pregnancy has really affected me, I’ve lost a lot of weight and my baby is well below average measurements.

I guess I just wanted some support and if possible anyone else’s experience of termination this late for non medical reasons?
Thank you

Hello everyone
Thank you for your replies you’re all so kind, I’m feeling a bit clearer today after reading through. My toddler is really stressing me out too which isn’t helping.
I’m going to go ahead with having the baby even though I will be on my own for her birth and the foreseeable future. I’ve put my details into entitledto and I’m entitled to an extra £230 a month once she’s here which will pay for her food and essentials. The only thing is that my rent is £200 more than the housing benefit cap on a two bedroom and I can’t afford to move. And even if I could there’s not a lot of landlords that will accept benefits and it would just be too stressful at the moment.

Op I'm glad you've reached a decision and you'll find a way to manage. Where abouts in the UK are you? Can your family help out at all?

Once u have your baby your health visitor will help u,i give mine all my baby clothes once my baby grows out of them to her, they go to mums like u in my local area, i hope there is something in your area like that to help u out. Glad your keeping your baby,mine is 14wks & couldnt be without her.
Wishing you the best x

@Jesskir89 I’m in London, unfortunately I don’t have any family that I could ask for help. It’s just so stressful but I’m going to have to come out the other end so I may as well give it a go

You’re sounding a bit more positive today, which is very heartening. It must have been so scary for you feeling as desperate as you were.

Are you on the council list? If not, you’ve got nothing to lose by going on it, start accruing waiting time. A glimmer of hope for a few years down the line.

You’re being very brave. Hugs.

If you continue with the pregnancy, do you know what kind of role your ex would want to play if you separate? I suppose my worry would be having to co-parent with an addict. If he was likely to disappear I'd actually be relieved - financial troubles can usually be sorted out, single mums often manage on benefits especially living in areas with less expensive housing. Do you have any family and friends who could help? Is your ex in work as then he should pay towards your kids.

For baby - most of your baby gear can be found free or very cheaply. Sometimes there are anonymous posts via admin on our local fb group with mums in bad situations about to give birth, and they always get loads of offers, lots of people have used baby stuff they want to get rid of. Breastfeeding or mixed feeding will save you lots of money. Nappies you can get v cheaply from Aldi/ Lidl if you have one nearby, maybe someone will donate you some cloth nappies if you can wash and dry them easily. Baby will qualify for some free childcare from age 2 enabling you to start looking for work.

If you do want a termination you have very little time - I think the legal limit is 24 weeks (unless medical reasons when no limit) and there are fewer centres performing later terminations, so you would need to start the process straight away. In our area there is a booking number you call which you can find on google, and you have a discussion appointment first. If you are thinking about termination still I'd call them today to discuss and find out your options, you can always stop the process.

Op you will come out the other end and you'll do it for your beautiful children. Wishing you all the best of luck x

Hi OP, i saw this this morning before the school run but didnt want to leave a rushed reply

I can see you have decided to continue with the pregnancy, ( i have no views on abortion, if people want to they can if they dont then dont ) but a late termination at this stage they would inject the baby to make it pass away and you would have to give birth properly.

I was living your life 3 years ago. Trapped in a DV relationship with a toddler and pregnant. My baby ended up with IUGR and was induced at 37 weeks, weighed 4lb 14oz, i blame that on the stress i was ubder during the pregnancy

I spent weeks considering not keeping him, not because i didnt want him, but because i didnt want another tie to his dad. I developed prenatal depression and post natal depression and didnt bond with him for the first year because i still wondered if i should of kept him,

I left ex when baby was 8 months old and thanks to court he isnt allowed to contact me or the kids

During my pregnancy bwcause i missed so many midwife appointments they knew somthing was up, i ended up with a support worker who knew somthing wasnt right, she tried so hard to help me and i woulsnt let her, my midwife too, my midwife brought all her appointments to my house so i couldnt miss them,

They will help you if you tell them about your situatuon, they can help with the council to help you move if you need to aswell - i was frightened to take their help, i thought eocial services would take my children

Social services were amazing when they got involved to support me through the DV, there was never any mention of takibg my babies or being a bad mum, they just want to know you really have ended the relationship and have no plans to put you and the kids back in that situation

I am also on benefits and the extra help for baby no2 makes a massive different. My TC went from £60 to £110 and my CB from 20 to about 34 ( im on UC now so cant remeber penny for penny )

PM me if you like, it is a horrible situation to be in and a hard one to truly escape

Focus on keeping yourself mentally well OP, i still feel guiltt that his entire pregnancy and 1st year i wasnt present, he didnt have the same mum my DD had and it still bothers me now

Also do not put ex on the birth certifcate - you can add him onto it at anypoint in the future if you leave the father blank but if hes on the BC then it leaves you vulnerable to more abuse and manipulation x

Take a look on your local councils website for discretionary housing payments. You can apply to have a temporary grant where the council bridge the gap between benefit and house cost. I would urge you to have a meeting with them where you can explain your situation as they may be able to help you complete the form to get everything down you need to as well as advise you about properties that might be more appropriate when they come available. It's not a guarantee you will get the grant but you don't know.unless you apply