Abuse - termination in second trimester

[Feelingverysad5]

Hi everyone. I’ve come on here to hopefully get some kind words. I’m 21 weeks with my second baby and tonight I’m really struggling to decide if a termination would be the right thing to do.
My (now ex) partner has been abusive towards me for the last three years or so due to a drug habit. I’ve been called horrible names, everyone thinks I’m crazy and I’ve been pushed around and kicked.
For the last few months he’s had me convinced that he’s now off the drugs but yesterday I found evidence that he’s not and in fact is worse than ever, even doing it in our hone with our four year old around.
I’ve confronted him about this and been told I’ve imagined it and I’m a lunatic, the usual.
I’m heart broken. I’ve managed to get him out of the house and he has no way to get back in. As it’s now affecting not only me but my child (financially and witnessing these things happening to me and starting to understand).

My problem is now that he’s gone I don’t have any money. I only have a few months left until the baby comes and I have nothing, there was never any money to buy anything. I just can’t afford another baby on my own.

I’m really considering having termination and just making out that i lost her. I know it’s awful and I’m crying my eyes out thinking about it but I just can’t do it.
I’ve been trying to google anyone else’s termination experiences after 20 weeks but they’re all for medical reasons and this makes me feel even worse.
The abuse this pregnancy has really affected me, I’ve lost a lot of weight and my baby is well below average measurements.

I guess I just wanted some support and if possible anyone else’s experience of termination this late for non medical reasons?
Thank you

Situation not termination sorry**

Gosh love this is so hard

A friend of mine was in this situation so it does happen . At this stage maybe further along .
I’ve had a termination for abuse reasons at 9 weeks and one for medical reasons (14w) and a missed miscarriage ( 12w)
I think at this late stage you are at in your pregnancy is extremely difficult .

Mums on benefits cope ! I know plenty ! And there is help out there .
Also I’m the daughter of drug addicts they can’t stop many cases .
Get yourself and your child free and start again . It WILL BE OK ! it just will . Get away from him use the services available and start a new life

If you are seriously considering abortion you need to move quickly as there is often a wait and you’re getting very close to the legal limit.

However, it doesn’t sound like you actually want an abortion. If your benefits are only covering your rent, then you should check you’re getting everything you’re entitled to and also whether cheaper accommodation is an option.

Is your child who has witness all this your ex’s?

I am so so sorry

I was abused during pregnancy
It just got worse and worse

What I do know is that there are so many agencies out there to help you without having to abort

When you are free you and your family will be safe, healthy and happy
It is the best feeling ever

Who is currently helping you?

Please don’t think you’re as scrounger/tramp, when my first marriage ended in a horrible way I had a 1yr old, 2yr old & 7 yr old, it wasn’t easy as I had no family support but we soldiered on and now they are 19,21,25. Don’t give up on your baby because of the loser so called dad, you’ve got him out, don’t let him back in ever. Check exactly what you’re entitled to, there’s various elements of Universal credit plus housing benefit you’ll be entitled to.
Stay strong and you’ll make it through this.

Please don't have a termination when you don't really want one. Not at this stage. Consider adoption then you can give the child a chance if you really feel like you can't cope or afford another baby.

I was adopted at birth. My biological mum already had a child. She broke up with my father mid pregnancy with me. She knew she wouldn't manage with two children. I never once hated her for her decision.

Have you family that you can go to for help?

You poor, poor love. Don't terminate, speak to your midwife about how you can be supported to stay safe and access help. Benefits are there for people like you who need the safety net. You can manage. If you want to explore, adoption, you can be supported through that too. Xx

The whole point of the welfare state is to protect people at their most vulnerable and help them in their time of need. It is a tradition this country should be proud of, and you certainly should not feel ashamed under any circumstances for needing a bit of help to get back on your feet.

If in your heart you want to keep your baby, then do. You can work through this, there is help out there.

You know when you have your appointment with the midwife, and she asks you those intrusive questions about your relationship with the father? This is why. Because if you are in this situation, she can connect you with support systems. You don't need to go through this on your own.

Handhold from me, you sound so vulnerable. I’m sorry you’ve had such an awful time with your (hopefully now ex) partner.

I think it would be incredibly traumatic for you to go through an abortion at this late stage.

If either way you are going to have to “give birth” so to speak, would adoption with a loving family be an option?

I’ve had an abortion myself, so no judgement, do whatever you need to do.

Please talk to GP, midwife etc. Get all the advice you can, re benefits also.

From what you say, it seems you love this little girl already, and if you had the right support you would want to keep her.

Actually, given the physical abuse maybe you need a scan to see how she’s doing anyway.

Hugs

I genuinely don't think even the most judgemental people would think you were a scrounger OP, you're in this position through no fault of your own and absolutely deserve to be supported. Please call Women's Aid and get the help you need to find the best way out of this.

I won't comment on whether you should terminate, I wouldn't judge you either way. But I will say that I don't think it's a decision you should make without some support in place, you may feel different once you know all your options. I would be asking WA about refuge in your position, you need to get away and you need full support around you to do it, a refuge could offer this

I’m very pro choice but I think this would be a mistake. You obviously want the baby, there are ways and means. Just make sure that you cut the father out of your life, don’t put him on the birth certificate (even if he supposedly cleans up his act between now and her being born) and start a new life on your own.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I would urge you to please speak to your midwife or GP ASAP about support for domestic violence. Who have you got for support (not financial, I mean to help you right now)?
I know you can't see this, but none of this is your fault.

This is not your fault. Drugs change people, your DP is not thinking clearly because his judgement is clouded by drugs. So whatever he has said and done is not your fault, you deserve so much better. You should like an amazing mum, your putting the health and safety of your children first. You need to seek help, womens shelter? They can move you somewhere safe so he cant find you, help you get back on your feet. I have a friend who had to leave her home with nothing but an empty handbag and a pair of shoes, due to an extremely abusive husband. They have helped her rebuild her life, she has a lovely flat, she is happy, independent and most of all safe.

Please look into this option before you have a termination because I truly believe that's not what you want and its going to add more hurt to your situation xxx

To the people pushing adoption - do you really think it's appropriate in this situation? The OP's problems are financial and circumstantial, nothing to do with not wanting the baby. Adoption is horribly traumatic for both mother and child, it's not simply a case of handing a child off to a loving family and then skipping off into the sunset.

OP hope you are feeling a bit better today. Have you thought a bit more about what you want to do?

Some of the replies on here are beyond insensitive.

For the poster confused about the legality of abortion at this stage of pregnancy -surely Google would be a better place for your question rather than here?

OP is clearly distraught. Anyone that uses that to push their own agenda or make it about them should be ashamed.

It sounds like you want the baby, just are feeling anxious about the circumstances. Keep the baby, you will get an additional element of benefits when the baby's born, at least £200 extra a month, plus healthy start vouchers and you can apply for benefit advances etc. please kick your partner to the kerb if he's still on drugs! Speak to your midwife and get support in place x

Maybe this charity could help:

www.gingerbread.org.uk/
www.gingerbread.org.uk/information/managing-money-and-debt/turn2us-grants-search/

Noone is pushing op to adoption but simply giving other options if she truly sees no other way out. Op I hope you're OK and please speak to your midwife they can help more than you think in these situations x

Adoption isn’t going to be easy breezy, it could have a damaging affect on OPs mental state. Personally i would feel worse to adopt out a baby id bonded with than to terminate.
Fact is OP needs to quickly speak to as many professionals as she can and make the decision that’s best for her. No judgement from me OP

Absolutely just hands to hold here op

Whilst I don’t personally agree with late termination for non medical reasons, I’m finding some of the comments on this thread awful and extremely insensitive. The OP is no doubt having a hard enough time without people guilting her for her decision. I hope you are able to find another way OP, using some of the advice given.

Women's Aid can provide a place in a safe, secure and secret refuge. He will never be able to find you and they will provide EVERYTHING you need, from food to clothing, baby stuff - everything. Including transport there.

www.womensaid.org.uk