Stressing about house guests after baby

[Kay8819]

I’m due in a few weeks and have been getting pretty stressed about the amount of stay over house guests we have planned in after the baby arrives.

My mum is local but my dad is overseas and my husbands parents (separated) both live in Wales so we have three separate week-long visits planned one after another from around 4 weeks after the birth (if she’s on time), potentially 2 weeks after if she’s late.

I know this can’t be avoided as our families really want to meet the baby and we can’t expect them to pay for hotels for that amount of time and I think they’d be really offended too...but I just feel totally overwhelmed as it is about the baby that I can’t think of anything worse than not having the house to ourselves. Day guests are totally fine as they’ll only stay for an hour or so but this is much more intense.

I guess it’s all the uncertainties that are making me anxious like what if shes late and have even less time to work things out, what if I’m struggling to establish breastfeeding and don’t want to BF in front of everyone, what if I’m totally nackered and just want alone time / naps during the day when baby sleeps, what if I have baby blues etc! I know I might sound a bit dramatic but it’s really stressing me out and not sure how to chill out about it.

Apart from husbands dad and step mum who I think will be a help, my MIL and dad will need / expect feeding and entertaining so will be more of a burden. Husband thinks I’m overreacting and being ridiculous and just need to get over it..probably right but I do feel like there’s more pressure on the mother initially. I guess I’m worried I’ll struggle initially and don’t want people looking over my shoulder till I’ve figured things out and feel more confident..

Just a rant really but would love to hear tips on how to deal with the practicalities, e.g did you go and BF in different rooms initially etc? Or tell me your stories and that I’m just being daft!

Erm tell them to book hotels or come for shorter lengths of time. No one should impose themselves on you like that.
If your DH doesn’t support you, go to your mums.
Tell DH when he pushes a baby out of his body he can have people stay as long as he wants.
If you can’t say no DO NOT wait in them hand and foot.

I would not recommend having house guests during the first weeks, I think it's very selfish of people to expect to stay with new parents. Can you find accommodation for them nearby?

And I agree with the above poster - you husband will be needing to look after you and the baby, not entertaining guests. His relatives can and should support both of you by being self-sufficient and helpful rather than imposing.

*your

God no, I spent weeks with my boobs out all over the place. No overnight guests would be welcome. Sometimes you just want breathing space. You want to just doze on the couch when the baby is napping in the moses basket. Your pelvic floor is shit and you want to be able to fart freely. I coughed and pissed the couch on my 3rd day home.

Visitors will have to find somewhere else, it's bloody selfish to impose like that.

Is there any chance of anyone else hosting them?
. I'd make it clear now - DH thinks you're over dramatic? Well thankfully he'll be in charge of cooking dinner and making drinks for every one. He also needs to organise all the extra food shopping, changing the beds between guests and cleaning the bathrooms etc

Tell all parents that you assume they are happy to look after themselves whilst they're here - they're free to make themselves drinks, get their own lunch and DH will cook and evening meal. Obviously if they want to go out etc during the week they're welcome and you assume they'll understand if you can't join in.

When they're there, if you don't feel comfortable bfing in front of them, be honest if you want to go in another room, or if you're happy to do in front of them. I just gonna pop upstairs and feed Veronica, we're still getting to grips with it. I. Going to feed Veronica now, still getting to grips with it so excuse me if I flash you.

Same with naps. Right I've been up all night with Veronica so I'm going to grab a nap whilst she does. You know where the kitchen is.

A yone whose offended, tough.

In the first 5 weeks of being a new mum I would have absolutely hated to have house guests!! We really struggled to get bfeeding established as DD had a tongue tie. I was initially expressing my milk with a pump every 2hrs for 4 weeks until we got the latch and tongue tie sorted. I would have hated people intruding and asking lots of questions when we were still trying to figure everything out. Health visitors suggested lots of skin to skin as well so me and DD were barely separated. It really is so so exhausting and I felt like such a zombie having to pump my milk, feed baby then sterilise everything - the last thing you should be expected to do is entertain people and provide for them! I'd tell people to try to find somewhere to stay near-by but if they absolutely have to be in the house then get your DH to tell them to muck in. Ask them to bring food for the freezer, prepare meals/snacks etc, whip round with hoover, put a load of laundry on, change bedsheets, feed any pets etc etc. Make them work for their stay. You shouldn't have to lift a finger especially as you'll be recovering the the first few weeks are absolutely key for getting bf established - you need to focus on that. Best of luck to you, I know how worrying it all feels but you'll do great. Xx

Thanks for the replies. Glad I’m not alone in thinking like this, unfortunately I don’t think I can get out of having them in the house but I may be able to ask if the visits can be shorter at least - or I could give them the option if they want to stay longer they need to stay somewhere else.

My husband thinks I’m overreacting because no-one has said I can’t nap in the day / no-one has said they must be entertained 24/7 so he thinks I’m just creating worries in my head which I do get but I suppose if I’m going out the room to breastfeed and nap and they’re here to see the baby what are they gonna do for the rest of the time. I think I’m just gonna have to grit my teeth and I suppose if we do have any problems and really need the space we can put them up in a hotel last minute.

Make sure they are up to date with vaccinations as well.
Write a list of chores on a white board each day.
As they enter the house, greet them with “thanks for coming to help, daily chores are on the white board, feel free to cross out as they are done or add if you see something that needs doing “
“I am hoping by having you here, baby and I will get a chance to bond and establish feeding without having to worry about other things. Not many people have such supportive family, thanks again”

Weenurse has made very sensible suggestions. If they look after you, clean, cook, iron, shop, it won't be so bad. Other than that it is an imposition.

Oh I couldn't think of anything worse! As you say day guests are just short visits but I think if with my previous 2 babies I'd of had other people staying over in my house I would of cracked!. Those first few weeks is your time with the baby and to get yourself into a routine and figure out what the hell your doing.. Not a time for other people to be there and in your face. I understand what your husband has said with oh no one has said you can't nap etc but come on it isn't the same is it. When someone is round your house you feel the need to entertain.

Can you ask them to Prospone the visit untill your at least settled etc as others have said even shorter visits would help id say a max of 2 days but that's me and I prefer to have my own space in my own house.

OP you are not being unreasonable. My biggest regret after our son was born was how many visitors we had (and none of them even stayed with us!). I bf when and where I needed to and family (particularly FIL) just had to deal with it. My son was 2 weeks late, undiagnosed tongue tie, reflux and I’d had forceps and was in so much pain.

You may soon be a new parent but you are not a new adult. It is your home and your rules. Just get rid of the guilt of entertaining and focus on the special time to come. If it were me I’d give them the option. You’re welcome to stay but x,y,z or they can stay elsewhere.

No way would I have house guests for the 1st few months. My dd w cried if she was taken away from me so day visitors didnt tend to stay too long. But do ensure you have suitable time to bond with baby and all the cuddles you want. Set your room up so if you do want space you can chill out with baby in thier and make it out of bounds to visitors.

Post natal can be really messy and you will want privacy, own bathroom and time to rest. I honestly can't understand how your dh does not get this.

If you feel you really can't get out of it, I'd consider what changes you need to make to your room/baby's nursery now so that you have somewhere you can escape to. Ie can you make a wee space for a kettle/tv/snack drawer in your bedroom? Or move a comfy chair into the nursery so you can feed/nap there with the baby in the Moses basket beside you?

In other words, you need somewhere you can escape to with the baby. Let DH look after guests etc.

Get a lock put on your bedroom door. Get a mini fridge, snacks kettle drinks and mugs for your room. At the very least.

If they do come. Make it very clear that they are there to cook/clean and look after you. You are not expected to lift a finger for them.

Print off the Organised Mum Method daily jobs and put them on your fridge and make sure they know that those jobs are for them to do each day.

Explain what is expected before they come and that you and the baby will be spending long periods of time in bed getting to know one another.

Then if they are not happy with the thought of looking after you, they can make alternate arrangements

A week each is too long. Renegotiate.

At the very least you need a break between visitors. As things stand it will be the weeks before you have your house to yourself again.

A week is way too long! What about a weekend instead?

And don't 'host'! As soon as they arrive, say: sorry we're not up to our usual hosting abilities as obviously we've just had a baby! Of course you understand! Here's the kettle, I'll show you how the oven works, here's the takeaway menus, etc. Please just help yourself.

Set the scene as soon as they arrive so everyone knows what the score is.

A week is too long. A night or two is plenty and very gracious of you.
You are not going to be responsible for feeding or entertaining any of the visitors and make this clear to hubby.
Make them useful, put up a list of daily tasks and use the visiting midwives to spell things out if necessary!

A weekend each, with gaps inbetween. This is way too much. How long will your husband have off work? Is he leaving you to host with a newborn? Unacceptable.

I can understand why you are stressed having people stay over. Is there no budget hotels nearby or even short journey away? They tend to be cheaper at the start of the year and if your family cut visits shorter then they could stay during the week making it cheaper?

In terms of your DH, he will be tired too from lack of sleep and supporting you and baby. You will also need time to bond as a new family unit. How much paternity leave does your DH have? He may be back at work by then?

I’m due in a couple of weeks and although nobody is staying over, my MIL lives about 2 hours away, is planning on coming down The day baby is born, checking in to the premier inn which is 5 min walk away and staying for 2/3 nights. I’m a bit stressed by this. Anytime she comes over she loves nothing more than when DH caters to her and I know she won’t lift a finger. I’ve already told DH that we will need time together, that she can’t be at ours all the time etc and will need to find other things to do. I’m still stressed about it. I know she will want to see the baby but it will be on our terms. If anyone has any tips for me, very grateful. I know I might sound like a diva!

Wishing you all the best op, and sorry for hijacking your thread with my own worries! X

I'm in same situation as you I think. We live in a different country to all of our families so people have to fly to see us, and we have a huge house so can't ask people to stay elsewhere. However, the ONLY people I would allow to physically stay over in the house are the parents and immediate family i.e. my siblings.
I'm usually an organised person and have everything ready for guests coming, but I'm literally doing f all for when people come lol And as for BF, I don't want to whip them out in front of people either, so I intend to take myself off to nursery to do it, or ask them to leave the room. I don't have any qualms in being upfront with my parents. But I wouldn't let anyone else stay, like extended family or friends (basically anyone I'm not comfortable with saying how I feel).

Completely agree with the PP who have said that the ONLY way this will work is if they understand that they are there to help, not as your guests. Start laying the groundwork for this now - phrases like ‘we’ll be so glad of your help when you come to stay’ etc. If they won’t be hiring cars consider adding them temporarily as named drivers on yours. It doesn’t cost much and will mean they can run errands, go shopping etc for you and ferry you about if you have a CS and cannot drive.

No fucking way.

Sorry but no. You don't know how you will feel, you do not need house guests as well.

Fucking no.