Stressing about house guests after baby

[Kay8819]

I’m due in a few weeks and have been getting pretty stressed about the amount of stay over house guests we have planned in after the baby arrives.

My mum is local but my dad is overseas and my husbands parents (separated) both live in Wales so we have three separate week-long visits planned one after another from around 4 weeks after the birth (if she’s on time), potentially 2 weeks after if she’s late.

I know this can’t be avoided as our families really want to meet the baby and we can’t expect them to pay for hotels for that amount of time and I think they’d be really offended too...but I just feel totally overwhelmed as it is about the baby that I can’t think of anything worse than not having the house to ourselves. Day guests are totally fine as they’ll only stay for an hour or so but this is much more intense.

I guess it’s all the uncertainties that are making me anxious like what if shes late and have even less time to work things out, what if I’m struggling to establish breastfeeding and don’t want to BF in front of everyone, what if I’m totally nackered and just want alone time / naps during the day when baby sleeps, what if I have baby blues etc! I know I might sound a bit dramatic but it’s really stressing me out and not sure how to chill out about it.

Apart from husbands dad and step mum who I think will be a help, my MIL and dad will need / expect feeding and entertaining so will be more of a burden. Husband thinks I’m overreacting and being ridiculous and just need to get over it..probably right but I do feel like there’s more pressure on the mother initially. I guess I’m worried I’ll struggle initially and don’t want people looking over my shoulder till I’ve figured things out and feel more confident..

Just a rant really but would love to hear tips on how to deal with the practicalities, e.g did you go and BF in different rooms initially etc? Or tell me your stories and that I’m just being daft!

I don’t know where you are in relation to wales, but I wouldn’t say anywhere is too far for them to just come and stay in a hotel for a couple of nights then drive home. I was really worried too, my dad lives 90 miles away, told me he’d booked the whole of January (due in January) off work and bought us a spare bed. I dreaded him coming but he surprised me and only came twice in the first few weeks. Are they definitely coming to stay or have you just assumed?

you do not want them in the house 24/7 and if that’s definitely what they’re doing ask them not to come or to book a hotel. It is an important time for you to bond with your new family

I think it depends to a large extent on the circumstances, but you might not know what the circumstances are until it actually happens, if you see what I mean.

My mother in law wanted to come and stay when the baby was born but I said no. She lives overseas. I know that sounds mean, and she is a lovely lady, but I know I made the right decision, and I'd do the same this time around.

If she'd come when she planned to, she'd have spent a week watching a very fat, overdue, very, VERY grouchy woman waddling around. I had a c section 10 days after my due date. There is no way I could have coped with house guests in the first couple of months - I was out of it. And I was released after just a day, but some mums and babies have to stay in for longer.

Sorry, but I don't think your partner is being realistic.

Visitors, fine. People staying over, no chance!

People om mumsnet need to learn what NO means!!!
This is absurd. Why do they need to stay for a week and be catered for?
Two days mx and your husband needs to do everything and if anyone complains they need not come until the baby is older.

Your husband is ridiculous and needs to get over himself. Tell him if they visit you are not planning on lifting one single finger.

My MIL-to-be came to stay when ds was 2 months old. I don't see why your visitors can't do something similar - baby is still little. 4 weeks after due date is very unfair on you. You need to put your foot down here I think.

I had a very easy, quick birth and recovered almost immediately. I still wouldn't have wanted visitors overnight with a 2-6 week old baby, let alone for a week. It's a big adjustment and you're up all hours . Its important for bonding and in particular breastfeeding that you feel relaxed and comfortable.
Cut down the visits as much as you can. One or two nights is ample time to "see" the baby (they dont do much for visitors do they)

I just wanted to say that I had house guests from the very first day DD was born - it was completely unavoidable as we live a minimum of 2 hours away from family and needed someone to be on hand for childcare. My MIL (who lives 5 hours away) was here for nearly a week before DD arrived and stayed until she was 4 days old. My mum (who lives 3.5 hours away) came when DD was 6 days old until 11 days old and we have had guests on and off ever since. It hasn't been too bad but I've been honest and taken myself and DD off for breaks from everyone, everyone has cooked and cleaned for me and there hasn't been any expectation of me "hosting".

If you can be honest about your needs and trust them to get on with it and look after themselves then I think its fine but you cannot be cooking and making cuppas for other people, no way.

DD is 2 months now and we are having no visitors for January and I am looking forward to getting some normality back now though :)

Good luck!

Also wanted to add: if I had had any other options, I would have absolutely not had visitors so early but luckily I have a good relationship with everyone so can be honest. But it wasn't ideal. You have to do what's right for you :)

Ask them to come later? My parents have not seen the baby until 5 months because they live overseas and coped, it would have been lovely if they could meet her sooner, but such is life.

Everyone is different in terms of what they want regarding visits and house guests. There's no right or wrong way to do things, except the mother has to be happy with the plan. If the mother isn't happy with the arrangement then it's not right regardless of whether that arrangement worked for other new mums.

What I would advise is:

• make sure any house guests arrive and stay on your terms
• you're not imposed upon (and that includes subtle pressure to entertain / have the baby on show for cuddles and cooing to benefit the guests)
• that they are useful house guests who WANT to help properly (e.g. running errands, cooking, ironing, watching baby so you can shower, changing nappies so you can have a nap etc).

Don't get pushed into "helpful" guests who seem to think that their "help" means cuddling the baby with their feet up whilst you talk to them over a cup of tea / you do chores.

It depends what the guests are there for - if they are going to be there to care for you then fine, but that doesn't seem to be the case and you don't seem comfortable with it in which case it would be a huge no no to have guests staying over who are going to be expecting to be "hosted" for days on end. I don't think it's fair for you to be "hosting" over night guests so soon after having a baby, it's a special time for you and your husband and the baby and you need that time to establish bonding, breastfeeding, recovery and self care, so i would only be having guests over in those first few weeks who would support you in that.