Stressing about house guests after baby

[Kay8819]

I’m due in a few weeks and have been getting pretty stressed about the amount of stay over house guests we have planned in after the baby arrives.

My mum is local but my dad is overseas and my husbands parents (separated) both live in Wales so we have three separate week-long visits planned one after another from around 4 weeks after the birth (if she’s on time), potentially 2 weeks after if she’s late.

I know this can’t be avoided as our families really want to meet the baby and we can’t expect them to pay for hotels for that amount of time and I think they’d be really offended too...but I just feel totally overwhelmed as it is about the baby that I can’t think of anything worse than not having the house to ourselves. Day guests are totally fine as they’ll only stay for an hour or so but this is much more intense.

I guess it’s all the uncertainties that are making me anxious like what if shes late and have even less time to work things out, what if I’m struggling to establish breastfeeding and don’t want to BF in front of everyone, what if I’m totally nackered and just want alone time / naps during the day when baby sleeps, what if I have baby blues etc! I know I might sound a bit dramatic but it’s really stressing me out and not sure how to chill out about it.

Apart from husbands dad and step mum who I think will be a help, my MIL and dad will need / expect feeding and entertaining so will be more of a burden. Husband thinks I’m overreacting and being ridiculous and just need to get over it..probably right but I do feel like there’s more pressure on the mother initially. I guess I’m worried I’ll struggle initially and don’t want people looking over my shoulder till I’ve figured things out and feel more confident..

Just a rant really but would love to hear tips on how to deal with the practicalities, e.g did you go and BF in different rooms initially etc? Or tell me your stories and that I’m just being daft!

You will not want any guests. You really really won't. You will be crying and bleeding and leaking and your baby will scream and it will be horrific with other people.

CANCEL

Totally agree with the poster above! My mum's coming over for 2 weeks after my husband's leave ends and she already sorted being able to drive our cars. Things can this could come in handy!

^^ this!

My 'this' was in relation to turn.

Your husband hasn't had a baby. We have.
Guests for a week is a massive intrusion. You will want and need peace and space. This is about you and the baby, and not them.
No overnight visitors for a least the first month, then only weekend visitors. If your dad needs to come for longer because he lives overseas then he needs to wait a bit. Try and put him off with the excuse that the weather will be better.

I'll never understand how people think it's ok to impose like that. I wouldn't dream of staying with any new mum, never mind for a week. So inconsiderate.

You already know this but it's an incredibly bad idea. You don't know how the labour or recovery is going to go, but as a minimum you will be knackered, sore and emotional.

Your DH needs a shake, and needs to create a safe and loving space for you and the new arrival. If it is at all possible, CANCEL. If not, as previous posters said, make your room your haven so you can stay and feed/nap in there.

Thanks for all the replies on this, I wasn’t expecting such unanimous feedback so it’s given me confidence that I’m not being hormonal / over sensitive! I’ve spoken to my husband today and explained in further detail what I’m worried about it and also reminded him as other people have pointed out that he’ll be back at work and no way am I hosting or having his family just hanging around the house all day.

I think he finally gets it he’s just been worried himself about how to approach it without offending people but I’ve had to say I’d rather risk offending people and figure out how to look after the baby with some privacy. My MIL we’ve managed to reduce to 4 nights and she’s only one person so that’s ok. Tricker with his dad and sisters as they wanted to tie in with a 60th birthday party for his dad hence the week long visit but we’re going to offer to pay half on accommodation as his present.

The problem is, as someone else on here also mentioned, we do have a big house so I think people think oh they’ve got plenty of space let’s pile in but it’s still not the same when you feel obliged to entertain / nap whenever you want. Originally 6 of them were going to stay over at once including a 2 year old, I honestly don’t know how they haven’t realised it’s really too much!!

@kay8819 glad you’ve managed to renegotiate with your MIL. You must do the same with the others, it’s far too much. You may still be bleeding, having to sit in a bath/shower to wee because it stings, be leaking milk, be very emotional, if you have a section you will still be sore and not very mobile. You really need to put you and your precious baby first. It’s things like this that can lead to post natal depression, or at the very least, you not enjoying the first few weeks with your new baby. That is not okay. They should not be risking this happening. You and your baby are too important; you need time to heal and time to bond. Baby will also be cluster feeding (spending hours on the breast, fussing, going on and off, all completely normal whilst they up your supply). Please consider an alternative, it’s really not worth risking upsetting your relatives.

We need to spend much more time educating new mums on the 4th trimester in antenatal classes, and arm them to resist these requests. The first 6 weeks tend to go much better if mum can just loll about with baby to breast, without the interruption of visitors and the need to be dressed or to attempt “discreet” breast feeding.

Originally 6 of them were going to stay over at once including a 2 year old

I would expect the parents of the 2yo to have a fresh enough memory of the newborn stage to know better!

Omg what on earth are your family thinking putting you in that position that's awful. You should be preparing for baby not worried about them.
I would absolutely NOT have anyone stay in my house regardless of the size after having a baby and I fully intend on limiting visitors once baby is here.
You and your baby are the most important not a bloody birthday.
Do what makes you happy, please yourself before other people or you will just resent them
Xxx

Oh I couldn't have people staying in the first few weeks, your hormones will be all over the place and you will get emotional and frustrated, they need to give you time with your new baby as you will never get them first weeks back,

Tbh I would not be surprised if your family accept that they cannot stay for very long. They are probably surprised that you agreed to it in the first place.

The first few weeks can be awful, they can be lovely, they can be fun, they can be hell. But you, your husband and your new DC have to go through it together. It is important to bond.

So, maximum 3 nights (and even I think that is too much). And do not lift a finger.

I couldn't think of anything worse OP. Sorry but it would do my head in.
I didn't BF but if you BF DO NOT leave the room to feed your child. If they feel uncomfortable they can leave the room.
If you want to nap, nap. Don't worry about other peoples feelings.
If you have the baby blues which is very common btw don't feel embarrassed or try to hide it. It's very natural.
Take one day at a time you're doing the best you can. It's daunting thinking am I doing things right or you have people say do it this way that way etc. You will find what works what doesn't work and remember only YOU know your baby. Do what feels best.

No, you cannot have house guests after a baby .
Believe me, you might feel awkward and it might cause a row telling them they need to book a hotel but it's nothing compared to how miserable you might feel with them under your feet. You will need time to recover and just slob around while trying to figure out how to feed and look after a tiny person.

Wow. There is no way I could have ever coped with even having one guest staying over for one night at that stage, let alone what you're describing. That said, I'm quite funny about hosting, and worry terribly about the state of my house. But I remember some of DHs relatives visiting us for the afternoon within our first week home and I found it very overwhelming and had to escape upstairs with DS for a bit. I just felt very vulnerable and protective - all just biological instincts I guess. I wish I was more relaxed in general about having visitors, but I do think that when you have a newborn everything feels a bit topsy turvey and you need your space. On the other hand, anyone who can lend you a hand with housework/laundry/cooking might prove extremely helpful.

Along with everybody else, I would strongly recommend you cancel all the overnight stays and then decide, after the baby is born, what might work. You are absolutely not required to have guests to save your family the costs of a hotel - they don’t have a right to see the baby at the cost of your health and sanity as a new parent, and the baby’s wellbeing. You may find that there are some people you can tolerate (because they might be genuinely helpful and recognise that they are there as helpers, not to hold the baby like a toy while you run around after them). You may also find that the mental energy of having people round is too much - I’ve had houseguests who would love to think of themselves as people who don’t impose but they go in the other direction of being “happy with anything” and never taking the initiative about anything, leaving me to make every decision about things like meals for everyone and making sure we had enough shopping in, which I found absolutely exhausting. I also found some visitors, however great, might not think that you are waiting on them but nevertheless result in net extra work for you - eg my sisters didn’t do things like take their used cups back to the kitchen and they weren’t deliberately being layabouts but they just didn’t think “Hang on, If I don’t do this, the person who’s still bleeding and has not slept will have to do it!”. So even the most ostensibly trouble-free guests are, in my experience, exhausting at that time and I’m surprised none of them have offered to stay elsewhere and do day visits as and when. The absolute last thing you should be worrying about at the moment is how to accommodate the wishes of family members.

It sounds like he'll, tell your husband to push an orange out of his penis and then he can tell you 'get over it'. My first granddaughter lives over 250 miles away, we stayed in a hotel after she was born and still feel bonded/love/adore/think about her every day.

Shorter visits, guests in hotels and breaks between guests. I feel really sorry for you, your family (and husband) are nuts. Your feelings override everyone else.

Good for you OP. I can't believe the parents of the 2yo could think it ok to land on someone with a newborn!

You will be crying and bleeding and leaking and your baby will scream and it will be horrific with other people

It really isn’t like this for everyone. My baby didn’t scream, he fed and slept. I didn’t cry either.

Helpful guests who cook, clean, shop and do laundry are an absolute godsend when you’re tired and don’t want to live in a pig sty.

My DF came for 3 days and even with him staying in a hotel it was too much. I had the breastfeed in the kitchen. I was too tired to do much. My pelvic floor was bad and I was struggling physically after the birth and cried a fair bit.
I couldn't relax in my own home and frankly he found it really boring. At that age baby is attached to mum. Mum is knackered and no does not want to go out for Sunday lunch. No baby is not going anywhere without mum. So yes it's really boring for visitors after a couple of cuddles.
After he left I vowed to never hide away whilst breastfeeding again and stuck to it. Why should I hide in my own house feeding my child. Anyone uncomfortable has to leave the room.

Won't be doing it again and I would strongly recommend against it.

The emotional and physical recovery is an undignified rollercoaster.

Well done you alsohuman but it's not the same for everyone, you were lucky.

Hope you're ok OP.

Literally the first thing I said was it’s not the same for everyone!