Really REALLY scared

[Frazzlerock]

I can't bear this anxiety. We've lost three babies in 4 years. Two of them MMC at 9 weeks. I'm now pregnant again finally (!!) after TTC for the longest year ever, which we were obviously thrilled about. But I'm terrified.

I had light bleeding last Weds eve through to Thurs morning and we thought that was it. I cried all night. Our consultant prescribed me progesterone on Thursday and I've not had any more bleeding so that should give me hope but I'm just so so scared. We had a light bleed with our first loss and I assumed that was normal but it wasn't, a scan showed our baby had died, and I didn't bleed at all with our 2nd MMC.

We've our first scan on Friday when I'll be 7 weeks. I'm going to be a nervous wreck by then. I can't go through the agony of a MMC again.
I wish I could be like other mums who can enjoy their pregnancy and look forward to the future, but I can't and it makes me feel so sad. All I want is to hold our baby in my arms. Something millions of women do every single day

I'm hoping so much that this is our lucky time now. Surely we've been through enough.

Hi, firstly I am so very very sorry for your losses. Mother Nature can be particularly cruel at times and having had a loss last year I completely understand how you are feeling.
Firstly, congratulations on your bfp, what a relief after ttc for a year.
Secondly, I completely remember the day after I found out I was pregnant after the loss. I couldn’t get excited, I was filled with dread and fear. I felt incredibly sad for the baby I’d lost and I felt really disconnected from the baby that was growing. I was expecting elation but it was the opposite. I rang the miscarriage awareness helpline and I found having a chat with one of the lovely people there was a great help. Miscarriage completely changes pregnancy - it absolutely sucks the joy right out of it.
Secondly, try to remember that each pregnancy and baby is different.
Thirdly, take it a day at a time. Don’t start worrying about how you will cope for the next nine months, just focus on the milestones. For each one you pass you will feel better.
Don’t beat yourself up if you detach yourself from your baby - it’s your brains clever way of protecting you after what you’ve been through. I didn’t really accept that I was actually going to have a baby until about 28 weeks and even the night before my section I still expected something bad to happen.
Try to take comfort from the extra progesterone - I’ve heard lots of success stories after ladies taking it - fingers crossed that it’s just what you need this time and could make all the difference.
I know it’s hard not to worry. The Tommy’s support group on FB is also great for extra help from people who have been where you are. The worry doesn’t go away I’m afraid but it gets easier.
Between scans, just plan some things that you enjoy or that help you to relax. Be kind to yourself. Baby needs lots of happy hormones!
Have faith and try to stay positive.
After 18 months of ttc and one mc, my DD is now 3 weeks old and snoring in my arms.
I have everything crossed and hope this time you have a sticky little bean xxxxx

@Frazzlerock I'm so sorry to hear of your losses. That must be so hard. I lost my first baby through miscarriage and have been petrified of losing my second pregnancy still.
I know one woman in America who lost 3 babies through miscarriage and then they diagnosed her with a progesterone deficiency and also a blood clotting disorder so she took progesterone and had daily heparin injections for each pregnancy and now she has 4 children.
I really hope this is good news for you and you can soon hold your little one in your arms. Sending you a big hug.

I totally get the feeling of wishing you could be like others and enjoy your pregnancy. I have had one MC, then had 2 years of TTC with no luck. I then had IVF that ended in a chemical pregnancy and really felt like life was against me. Two months after that I fell pregnant naturally and took progesterone pessaries for 14 weeks. I have been terrified as I have had several episodes of spotting, however, I am now 18 weeks and start to feel my little boy move etc.
Please stay positive! You will probably always be nervous but don’t assume that because you have had bad luck in the past that it will happen again. I had several private reassurance scans at the start as I was so anxious, it obv won’t change the outcome but my calm your nerves a bit! Good luck and congratulations!

Frazzlerock I think I remember you- were you on the June thread last year? I've had three losses in a year so completely understand how you might be feeling. I am now 13 weeks pg and survived the stress of getting through the 1st trimester by

• not 'expecting' this to be the one. Just be grateful for each successful day but didn't start thinking about definitely having a baby
• eventually having to battle terrible morning sickness which gave me something else to worry about
• having a 6 week scan at EPU (due to recurrent loss) and then 9/10 week scan privately. No way could I have waited until 12 weeks.

How many weeks are you?

Sorry July 19 thread I mean

Hey @Pegase yes I remember you too. Weren't you also in the separate July 19 thread for the ones who lost their babies? They've all had babies now I think. I had to leave as it just wasn't happening for me and it made me so miserable.
I'm so thrilled you're expecting too and I'm so sorry you've also had a horrible journey.
It's so unfair.so many people I know are popping babies out like it's no bother.

I'm 6+4 today (according to ovulation minus 2weeks) so will (presumably) be 7 weeks at the scan on Friday. I just wish I had some definitive symptoms, you know? It may make this a bit more positive for me. I have slightly sore boobs if I press them but that's about it.

Thank you so much to everyone else, lots of wise and lovely words. I just wish I had a crystal ball. I need this happiness now. It's been 4 years of emotional agony and I'm exhausted from it. My whole family is.

I wish I could distance myself from these babies, but I seem to fall in love with them immediately. No matter how hard I try not to.

Op wishing you the best of luck you sound like you truly deserve this happiness. Please keep us posted x

Oh OP I really feel for you. You've been through the mill and I don't think there's anything you can do to stop the entirely natural anxiety you're feeling.

Wishing you all the luck possible on Friday 💐

Big hugs... I had a traumatic ectopic two years ago after a year of ttc but luckily conceived again the next month. With it happening so quickly I also found it really hard to relax.
I had about 3/4 episodes of proper bleeding in my first trimester, each time I was sure our journey was over due to the amount but it was actually due to cervical erosion flaring up with the hormone changes- baby was always fine. I found it so hard to find evidence that fresh bleeds don't always mean mc in those dark moments when its happening.

We personally went for reassurance scans each time it happened as they could fit us in the same day (Plus one at just before 6 weeks to rule out another ectopic) which helped me massively as I don't think I could have waited overnight let alone weeks. The nhs ones were always a week or so away at the earliest!
Like you my main check was a boob prod, with some nausea but half of that was nerves! The second trimester is a lot easier as you start to show and feel them wriggle.
I really wish you well in the next few weeks and months xx

I can understand your anxiety - all I can offer is a handhold.

Thank you for your responses.
I'm feeling a little better this morning as I had shooting pains in my left boob and also had nausea and then had a horrid acid reflux. Having symptoms really takes the edge off the anxiety.

Re scans, I am under the RMC so will be having regular scans with them thankfully. I'm not sure how regular they will be, I will find out on Friday.
I can't wait for the second trimester, I know I won't be out of he woods but at least. like @Sammyclaire22 says, I will be able to feel baby wriggle and see a bump

Op I understand. I had 3 miscarriages before dd, one was a late loss (23 weeks).

I never relaxed with dd unfortunately. I paid for a lot of private scans because I was just terrified really. I have never felt a fear like going into a scan hoping everything was going to be ok.

It was definitely easier to a degree when I could feel her moving, I kept a movement diary so I knew her regular patterns etc which helped calm me down.

I hope everything is ok for you on Friday. Will be thinking of you

Yes @Frazzlerock I lost two while on those threads then I had to withdraw from them as I didn't want to think about it any more.

Did the RMC give you any explanations that would give reassurance for this pregnancy? Good that they are giving progesterone at least.

I think you do end up trying to protect yourself mentally. We have told our older DD for the first time about this pregnancy, after the 12 week scan, and I still said that although Mummy is growing a baby, you don't always get one in the end so we have to hope we are one of the lucky ones.

@Pegase te only reassurance I've had from them was as our first appointment with the consultant after we lost our little boy. She said that patients under the care of RMC seem to have a much better chance of having a live baby. They've not really been there for me tbh while we've been TTC. They only seem interested once pregnant. And even when I had the bleed last week I didn't see anyone, I spoke to the secretary on the phone and they sent my prescription straight to the hospital pharmacy.
Friday will be my first appointment with our consultant (who is actually performing the scan) since being pregnant so I can ask her questions then.
I'm so sorry you've lost two while on those threads. I just noticed there is a 'TTC graduates after preg loss' thread and i recognise a few names from the July 19 group. I'm not sure I'll join though, it seems quite established.

We are also going to wait to tell the boys until after 12 weeks. They are old enough to understand that babies don't always come home. They knew early on that I was pregnant twice before. But DS2 got quite upset when we lost them. so we have decided to wait until at least 12 weeks to tell them this time.

Morning, well today is the day and I can't sleep. I've got this horrid feeling of dread that I can't shift. Not helped by my one and only symptom (sore boobs) disappearing.
I keep trying to tell myself that I'm just scared because of our last three losses and our bad experience at scans, and that this is a different pregnancy and a different baby, and no reason why this one can't be our one.

I googled symptoms lost at 7 weeks and it seems to be normal and just hormones settling for a bit and I should enjoy it, but it just doesn't feel right, you know?
I had this last time and our baby's heart had stopped beating.

I know we deserve this baby so much after the past 4 years of hell. We tried for a whole year for this little one to be our fighter.

I'm going to try on wedding dresses after the scan and we have such a lovely few days ahead planned. This HAS to be our chance of happiness. It has to be...

Good luck today op. We'll be thinking of you. X

Please don't worry about lack of symptoms as I never had any at this stage either. I think it's quite common to not have any yet.

I hope your scan today goes ok, let us know.

I had similar worries as you and felt I only started to enjoy pregnancy after the 12 week scan. Even then I had moments.

Thinking of you!

I think if I had zero symptoms I'd be less worried, but I had very swollen and sore breasts between the second week of the 2WW and the day I bled last week. Then they just got less and less sore until yesterday when they didn't hurt at all, and nowhere near as swollen. I just feel like a symptom that I had that disappears is a worry. But then, apparently it's normal, despite this happening last time.

I'm trying very hard to imagine how happy we'll be WHEN everything is all okay, and how we'll carry on our weekend plans happily. But convincing myself is bloody hard.

Recurrent MC is so cruel. I just want to relax and enjoy this pregnancy

Thinking of you today @Frazzlerock. I really hope this is your rainbow

FFS. We just drove 40 mins away to the hospital and they told us our consultant's been taken ill and there are no others around who can do the scan for us.
So they MIGHT be able to fit us in next Friday...
I sort of feel relieved in a way. It means I can go to the wedding dress shop today and do all our fun things for DP's birthday and Xmas with some hope still.
And in a week this little baby will have grown some more so we'll be able to see more. 🙏🏼

You could always book in for a private scan? Hugs x

That thought had crossed my mind, but I almost feel like I want to bury my head in the sand and just have another week (or however long until I get seen) with hope

Very sorry for your loss. I know first hand how hard and heartbreaking that is - I had 4 in total, 3MCs and 1MMC after an IVF. 6 full years of TTC.

When I had my unexpected BFP this April (after 3 years of nothing happening spontaneously), I was in complete denial at first - I kept repeating that it won't 'stick', that it is 'nothing to be excited about'... The early scan we had at 9w was the single most terrifying experience I had until then... I was a complete mess for days before and on the day I just kept doing breathing (count to 5 inhaling, count to 5 keeping breath in, count to 5 exhaling) exercise my friend (therapist) recommended - which helped a bit. Every single ultrasound throughout the pregnancy was a source of great stress and it became easier only after 20w scan and when the baby started moving. We paid for extra scans privately and that also helped calm me down in between NHS check ups.

The pregnancy succeeded in spite of my lack of optimism and anxiety. I am telling you this so that you know that it DOES happen and I wish you the same from the bottom of my heart!

Just wanted to update this thread.

We had a scan at 8 weeks which was amazing. Beautiful little baby with a good heartbeat. I began to reuse. Even looked at baby stuff and names.

We had another scan on Friday at 9 weeks just for reassurance and our baby's heart had stopped the day before.
Now on our 4th miscarriage, 3rd MMC at 9 weeks. Clearly life doesn't think we've been through enough already. I'm never going to hold my rainbow baby. Never going to be allowed to be happy for more than 5 minutes

Had enough of being beaten down time and time again, we waited a whole year for this baby and we got excited and then the rug was pulled from underneath us.

Just don't know how to navigate this living hell anymore