Really REALLY scared

[Frazzlerock]

I can't bear this anxiety. We've lost three babies in 4 years. Two of them MMC at 9 weeks. I'm now pregnant again finally (!!) after TTC for the longest year ever, which we were obviously thrilled about. But I'm terrified.

I had light bleeding last Weds eve through to Thurs morning and we thought that was it. I cried all night. Our consultant prescribed me progesterone on Thursday and I've not had any more bleeding so that should give me hope but I'm just so so scared. We had a light bleed with our first loss and I assumed that was normal but it wasn't, a scan showed our baby had died, and I didn't bleed at all with our 2nd MMC.

We've our first scan on Friday when I'll be 7 weeks. I'm going to be a nervous wreck by then. I can't go through the agony of a MMC again.
I wish I could be like other mums who can enjoy their pregnancy and look forward to the future, but I can't and it makes me feel so sad. All I want is to hold our baby in my arms. Something millions of women do every single day

I'm hoping so much that this is our lucky time now. Surely we've been through enough.

*relax not reuse FFS

I am so sorry this is happening to you.

I am so sorry for your loss. I've been there, I've had 4 in the last 18 months. Please be kind to yourself and look after you

Op I'm so sorry to hear this. Please ask for a referral to gyne who may be able to offer some answers. I hope you do get to hold your rainbow baby soon x

I'm so sorry OP.
Please ask for a referral for more answers. It isn't fair on you to have to keep going through this with no answers to what is happening. I hope you get to hold your rainbow baby soon and please do not give up hope x

@PixieDustt and @Jesskir89 I'm already under the RMC team and have been since our last baby died in November 2018. DP and I have been tested and we are both fine. Our last baby had Trisomy 16.
I then had a hysteroscopy and all was fine there too.
I don't know what more they can do for us. This baby will be tested and we will be tested yet again, just I case they missed something last time.

I think our only option now is IVF+ICSI with embryo selection. But that is stupid money and we're not eligible for NHS IVF.

I'm not sleeping, hence being awake at 4:30 typing this, not sure if it's still pregnancy insomnia or stress or both.
I'm done in, I'm not the person I once was. I feel completely defeated by life.

I'm sorry.

It's so understandable that you can't sleep. I guess your head is churning round and round and picking over things. I haven't been through what you have but some very very similar things and lots of them. Is your consultant good? Do you feel like you trust them? For me finally being able to put my faith into a dr because they actually cared made a big difference to my stress levels.

@Littlebirdie123 I honestly don't know. I mean, I believe she's doing her job but once they did all the checks last time, she didn't want to know until I got pregnant again. It took a whole year to conceive this baby and I felt so alone. I went to see her not long before I got pregnant this time to see if she could help me and she said there was nothing she could do and I need to be referred to fertility. But I'm not eligible for NHS fertility help so I wouldn't get a referral.

Once I was pregnant she promised regular scanning. She prescribed progesterone when I had a small bleed at 5 weeks, then low dose aspirin when we saw the heartbeat at 8 weeks. Then was booked for another scan at 9 weeks.

I don't know what else she can do. She'll no doubt see us once our test results are through but what else can she do?

Getting pregnant is so hard, then keeping them is impossible. I don't know who to put my trust in anymore.

Oh I was so sorry to read your update x

So very, very sorry to read your update and for this and your other losses. DH and I are both infertile and know your sadness all too well. In the end we had IVF+IMSI and - after several rounds of treatment - we now have a beautiful little girl. It does cost serious money I’m afraid, especially as it usually takes multiple rounds, but it will be worth it. Persevere - you will get there.

It's so hard isnt it when there just aren't any answers. I think you summed it up when you said you felt alone. I dont think my consultant did anymore but because she cared I felt less alone and more looked after.

Have you somewhere to talk? It sounds like such a tough time.

Just wanted to say that I’m so sorry to read your update OP. I can’t begin to imagine what you’re going through

I'm so sorry.

What exactly have you been tested for? Have you been checked for clotting issues including Factor V Leiden and MTFHR? Have you both had karyotypes done? NK cells?

I've had six miscarriages, mercifully interspersed with three live births, and it's still not clear why they happened. Before dc3 we had a run of three, one of which had monosomy 21 which I believe is rare-ish and prompted a karyotype investigation which came back 'normal' (for want of a better word). I do have clotting problems (both of the above-mentioned) and was on heparin throughout dc3's pregnancy, but have carried to term without heparin and miscarried with. Often there is sadly no real rhyme or reason. Dc3 was conceived after mc 4-6 and then a year of nothing when I had previously always been pregnant within a few months, often more quickly. I know how this feels right now. If you feel able to proceed at some point, and I don't say that lightly, there may still be hope.

AFAIK the effects of progesterone are unproven. I didn't choose to take it consistently in my final pregnancy.

I'm home from surgery and have been sleeping all afternoon.

I'm so sorry for what you've been through @CatteStreet

I can't remember what she tested for last time TBH.
I think, as our baby had Trisomy 16 last time I don't think she checked for NK cells or anything. I imagine at least three of our babies had some sort of chromosome issue given they all died at exactly the same stage.
Our second one died at just 4 weeks so I would guess that was a chemical pregnancy- though I detest that term, seems to disregard the pain involved.
I've carried two babies to term very easily 10 and 14 years ago (despite being painfully hard to conceive - thank you PCOS...) though I am sure the body can change over time and maybe a different partner also makes a difference.
I think I need to get my head out of the sand and accept my age plays a huge part in our success of a live birth. DP and I started our long TTC journey back when I was 36, but I'm now 40 and I'm acutely aware of time ticking by, especially cycle after cycle of negative tests,
I do wonder if we fell pregnant easily, all this might be ever so slightly easier to deal with. But it takes a full year to conceive and I just don't have that kind of time anymore.

Is it still worth pursuing NK cells and clotting issues if our baby is found to have a chromosome issue again?

I wonder, as DP was found to have low morphology, that maybe damaged sperm keep fertilising my egg? Or my eggs might be crap now. I do take ubiquinol and other supplements, and DP takes all sorts of supplements to help his sperm so I'm not sure what more we can do about that.

Sorry for long post. Just perusing really over what options we have left

I am so so sorry to hear about your losses. Heartbreaking, and sending hugs.

I think I just wanted to echo the tests that CatteStreet mentioned above, please ask for a Full Thyroid check also including Antibodies.
I had 2 MCs, but was referred to RMC (due to age of 40) and they found I had Thyroid Antibodies and also Anticardiolipin Antibodies (a blood clotting disorder). Due to this , I was given Aspirin, Progesterone, daily Steroids and also Heparin injections for my recent pregnancy.
Am currently 6 Weeks - though still awaiting scan and obviously can't predict how this one will turn out - am terrified myself.

But I found the RMC were taking so long with testing etc, we went privately to CRGH (in parallel). It can cost a fortune but you get much better service - the Nurses are always on call for reassurance etc. Worth exploring private options if you can.
If they did find something wrong in the vein of antibodies/NK Killer cells/Factor V Leiden Mutation etc, you wouldn't necessarily need to fork out for the full IVF treatment.
I think what I'm trying to say is - the private consultant can send a list of blood tests to your GP, so you can have the tests done on the NHS but still have the Private Consultant Care.
Good luck! XXX

I'm so sorry to read your update, it is truly heartbreaking, I have been there.
After 4 miscarriages and the consultant at Tommy's telling us it was just bad luck!! We went for private blood tests. One think I tested positive for was the MTHFR gene ( google it) it is related to PCOS among other things.
I took progesterone and had to inject clexane starting from my BFP test on our 5th attempt.
Might not be relevant to you but I'd thought I'd share my experience just in case it helps.
Wish you all the luck in the world.

Sorry should've said that pregnancy was successful and DD will be 2 in a couple of weeks

I’m so sorry to read this and I’m sorry if I’ve misunderstood but after 4 miscarriages I was prescribed progesterone and told to take it from 2 DPO - if you wait for a positive test the levels might already be too low to sustain the pregnancy. I’m just going on what my consultant told me and my subsequent pregnancy was successful.

I wish you so much luck, please don’t give up hope just yet x

Hi @NicLondon1
Thank you for your post.
I think what I'm struggling to understand is the connection between NK killer cells and blood clotting disorders with the chromosome issue that was found last time and I can hazard a guess for this time too (and I expect for our first loss also given they were all lost at the same stage). I just need to understand the connection so I can talk to my consultant about it. Can these disorders cause chromosome issues?

I had a full thyroid check fairly recently using Medichecks online as I was so fed up with my GP only testing the bare minimum, and I am diagnosed underactive (many years ago) so have been on thurs online for a long time. Everything came back good and optimum levels for TTC and pregnancy, according to one of Medichecks doctors.

Op keeping everything crossed for you and dh. Hope you're doing OK x

Sorry @Misskittycat16 and @WifOfBif I missed your posts.

I took progesterone from the the day following ovulation with my last pregnancy and also low dose aspirin as soon as I got a BFP. Baby still died and had T16 so I don't think progesterone or aspirin would have made a difference
This time, my consultant said only take progesterone if I have a bleed and aspirin from seeing a heartbeat as baby needs sticky blood to begin with. I bled slightly at 5 weeks so started progesterone from that point. Then started aspirin from seeing the heartbeat. Baby still died at 9 weeks. So I'm not overly convinced prog and aspirin work TBH. It was of course worth a try for both. And I'm sure I'll use them again if I am ever lucky enough to conceive again.

@Frazzlerock. I'm not sure there is a connection, but am not an expert. From what I understand, chromosomal issues are extremely rare (but do happen), and the other losses may be due to autoimmune or blood-clotting issues. If it was all related to Chromosomes, I think Karotyping is the thing they'd check....
There is another thread on Mumsnet labelled NK Killer Cells, and full of women who have had several losses but have gone on to have successful pregnancies (in their forties too). Please do not give up hope!
They just need to find the cause and treat it. x

My understanding is that NK and clotting are essentially separate issues but both related to rmc. I had a uterine biopsy and some NK cells were found but not to the extent that it would have been a problem. I do believe that not everyone in the field is convinced by the link to NK, or at least that was the case the last time I was looking into this. But in your position I would probably have it looked for, and clotting disorders certainly. I think mc after a heartbeat is found is supposed to be an indicator for clotting issues? (Caveat - I am quite hazy on this now, those days being mercifully behind me).

I remember at the time thinking the evidence for progesterone making any difference was weak, though my gynae was happy to give it to me.

I've emailed my consultant's secretary and told her I want all these extra tests.
But it won't be for another 6 weeks when we get the karyotyping results back.
My mind automatically goes to thinking I should be 15 weeks pregnant by then.

I miss my baby so much. I miss the connection I had with all of them.
I'm terrified DP will refuse to try again and I'll have this empty hole forever.

I'm so angry this keeps happening to us. Everyone I know in my social circles gets their baby. Even if they have one MC, they get their baby on their second go and they don't have to wait long either,

Tired of this rock bottom feeling