Really REALLY scared

[Frazzlerock]

I can't bear this anxiety. We've lost three babies in 4 years. Two of them MMC at 9 weeks. I'm now pregnant again finally (!!) after TTC for the longest year ever, which we were obviously thrilled about. But I'm terrified.

I had light bleeding last Weds eve through to Thurs morning and we thought that was it. I cried all night. Our consultant prescribed me progesterone on Thursday and I've not had any more bleeding so that should give me hope but I'm just so so scared. We had a light bleed with our first loss and I assumed that was normal but it wasn't, a scan showed our baby had died, and I didn't bleed at all with our 2nd MMC.

We've our first scan on Friday when I'll be 7 weeks. I'm going to be a nervous wreck by then. I can't go through the agony of a MMC again.
I wish I could be like other mums who can enjoy their pregnancy and look forward to the future, but I can't and it makes me feel so sad. All I want is to hold our baby in my arms. Something millions of women do every single day

I'm hoping so much that this is our lucky time now. Surely we've been through enough.

Op I know you're at rock bottom atm but things can only get better. Sending hugs and best of luck you get answers and your rainbow baby xx

Oh, OP. It's just rotten.

I'm sorry, I meant to say that while clotting issues are genetic, they don't cause chromosomal issues in the baby. I assume your tests will be looking for a balanced translocation. They did for us, as apparently our pattern of losses was quite suggestive of it,, but nothing found.

I've never heard of balanced translocation. I had to google it.
What is the suggestive pattern?

All I see ahead of me are more mega long cycles and negative tests and time ticking by with no baby

In our case it was that we had mcs interspersed with live births. With a BT either the conception is fine or you 'get' the translocated combination and you mc (sorry for extremely unscientific explanation). I really began to think it was that, particularly after the monosomy 21 (that was mc no. 5), and was quite surprised when our karyotypes came back without anomalies.

PrivateNoName, could you perhaps start a new thread, maybe in the 'Legal matters' topic?

I reported PNN's post, hopefully it'll be moved.

Thank you for explaining that @CatteStreet
It's all such a minefield and so distressing and hard. I think your experience is different to mine, but equally as painful. I wish I knew how many more babies we have to say goodbye to before we get to hold one, but if they take us a year to conceive then I don't think we ever will hold our baby. The TTC part is impossible to deal with as it is.

@Episcomama thank you for reporting that post.

I have no helpful advice I'm afraid @Frazzlerock but just wanted to say I'm so so sorry to hear of your loss. I hope you get some answers, and your rainbow soon.

Thank you @Pegase. I wish I could get my rainbow but DP has decided we are not going to try again.
I'm lost and completely heartbroken and now I have the extra loss and heartbreak of not ever getting to meet, hold and cuddle my rainbow baby.

I've got to learn to accept this is my fate now.

Oh @Frazzlerock that's so sad. Did he not say this last time and then eventually change his mind when the shock was over? Do you think it might just be his reaction to the sadness?

Such a sad post really feel for you. I too have had 3 miscarriages and they are just heartbreaking!!
I found out I was pregnant again last June and I am now at 30weeks... as soon as I found out the midwife put me on clexane... have you thought about that? It's meant to help...

@Pegase he did refuse to try for 2 years, then he surprised me on my birthday and we started trying again, that resulted in our little boy who we lost (from our due in July group).
He has said that nothing is binary but I just feel so desperately sad that if we don't start trying again soon it's going to be too late. It took us over a year to conceive this baby and I'm 41 this year, there just isn't the time for stalling.

I wish so much I was pregnant again. Just a few more days of happiness. I was looking over photos in my phone from Christmas and I was so truly happy, I'm so scared I'll never feel that way again. I keep bursting into tears and can't bring myself to go back to work. DP is trying his best and is being so lovely and supportive, but I know that he will lose his patience with me eventually.

I just feel so so sad and completely lost. I should be 10+4 weeks today and I keep finding myself stroking my tummy absentmindedly.

I am back to taking all my conception supplements and just feel like its such a waste of money but I can't let go.

Why is is so easy for some people to just have a baby? At the risk of sounding like a spoilt brat, its all just so unfair. The past 4 years have been disappointment after disappointment. If it''s not months and months of negative pregnancy tests, then its those horrendous words "I'm sorry there's no heartbeat". I get fleeting moments of joy when I get a positive preg test, then by 9 weeks its all over again. And now its all over for good it seems.

Sorry, I'm waffling now. I don't know why I'm telling you all this, I know there is nothing anyone can say or do to make this pain go away.