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Original poster

Partner wants me to get an abortion.

58 replies

Pizza1997 · 12/12/2019 08:51

Just looking for some advice really.
So I’ve been with my partner around 3 years.
Round about a year ago I fell pregnant I had a termination because at that point it was the right thing to do. We didn’t have a house together my boyfriend didn’t have a stable job, we wasn’t exactly stable, and as much as the choice hurt me at that moment i do still believe it was the right thing to do but it still hurts a lot.
About 7 months ago we moved in together, my partner got a stable job, and I fell pregnant again, this ended in a miscarriage which really did crush us both.
After that we both just agreed when pregnancy again happened it happened and we wasn’t actively trying or rushing, but we was not being careful either, but both agreed when it did happen we’d be happy!
So recently I’ve just found out I’m pregnant again, and my partner has said he doesn’t feel ready for a baby, and that he wants me to terminate.
I know In my head that’s not what I want to do as the reasons for the termination in the past have completely changed now, he said he wouldn’t force to, but didn’t say he wouldn’t leave me if I was to have the baby he just said he didn’t know if he would...
I don’t know what to do because I really wouldn’t want to be a single mum, I dreamed of having such a perfect ‘normal’ family.
I wouldn’t want to resent him if I got a termination, but I wouldn’t want him to resent me or leave if I kept the baby. I just don’t know what to do

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RhymingRabbit3 · 12/12/2019 08:59

Realistically this is the end of your relationship either way. You will resent him if you get a termination you dont want. He will resent you, and probably leave, if you go through with a pregnancy he doesnt want.

So you have to decide whether you want to be a single parent or be single and not have a baby (yet).

Original poster
Pizza1997 · 12/12/2019 09:12

Just breaks my heart because I really don’t want to be without him, but I just don’t know how he can say when it happens it happens and then switch up on me :(

OP posts:
PlasticPatty · 12/12/2019 09:15

You are without him, now. So sorry. But better to know that, and to make a decision about the pregnancy that is your decision not yours-and-his. This might be your time for a baby, or it might not. Only you can know. Best wishes, either way.

Original poster
Pizza1997 · 12/12/2019 09:27

Just really don’t know how I going to decide this choice :(

OP posts:
GiveHerHellFromUs · 12/12/2019 09:36

As a PP said, your relationship is over.
You'll resent him if you abort and you'll never be able to trust that he means it when he says he's ready.
Abortion is not contraception.

Can you bring a baby up alone? Could you afford to? Would you want to?

PurpleDaisies · 12/12/2019 09:38

The story you hear again and again is women being convinced to have an abortion and then dumped.

It’s totally your decision. I’d get some impartial counselling to help you decide what you want to do.

Original poster
Pizza1997 · 12/12/2019 09:42

I just feel like it wouldn’t be a good life for my child to have to be back and forth between mum and dad if he did leave I just can’t believe he’s switched up in this way :( financially I could bring the baby up alone but that just scares me a lot thanks for reply

OP posts:
Original poster
Pizza1997 · 12/12/2019 09:43

Thanks for your reply just really struggling to make a ‘right’ choice

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 12/12/2019 09:46

My parents were divorced. It was fine, so if that’s your reason for not continuing the pregnancy don’t worry about that.

There’s no “right” or “wrong” choice. Whatever’s best for you is the right choice. Like I said, professional counsellors help people decide which course of action they want to take.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 12/12/2019 09:49

If it's not the life you'd want for your child there's no shame in terminating the pregnancy.

You will need to leave him though. For your own sake and sanity.

kristallen · 12/12/2019 09:56

Divorce doesn't damage children, it's resentful or arguing parents that do.

He's shown you that he's not there for you. He's not committed to you (hasn't said he wouldn't leave..), he had sex without a condom AFTER a previous abortion and miscarriage and THEN decides he isn't ready. He knows what this decision is.

You are on your own now. Do you want to be a mother or not. Either way, you can't count on him. Get some counselling please because this is something you need impartial people who are experienced to help you with your feelings.

Original poster
Pizza1997 · 12/12/2019 09:58

I just don’t want to be without him, because regardless of this he’s amazing I I just wish he’d of stuck to his word when he said if r happens it happen

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 12/12/2019 10:00

He hasn’t though, and it’s not worth the mental energy on “I wish he...” when he didn’t.

ChaosisntapitChaosisaladder19 · 12/12/2019 10:00

I think you guys need to consider appropriate contraception you both sound extremely young op this is not good to be going round in circles for you're mental health.

PurpleDaisies · 12/12/2019 10:01

Sorry, that looks really blunt! You can tie yourself in knots wishing someone else behaved the way that you want when it’s probably better to deal with what the reality is. It’s totally understandable to be sad and disappointed though. Flowers

PurpleDaisies · 12/12/2019 10:03

chaos really? They were effectively trying for a baby. The op is pregnant and might be keeping it. The relationship may well be over. Did you really have to get your dig in about contraception?

Original poster
Pizza1997 · 12/12/2019 10:05

I know I understand what your all saying, I just don’t know what approach to take for the best for myself :(

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Hepsibar · 12/12/2019 10:08

What a horrid person you have managed to be with. I am so sorry.

Whether or not you have a termination is a decision for you and not him. And whatever decision you make needs to be yours and you can move on with your life.

I should definitely leave this person as soon as you can.

BaronessBomburst · 12/12/2019 10:09

How long ago did he find out? Is he having a panic? Is he worried about another miscarriage and wanting to take control first?
It's a bit of a leap to say that this relationship is over either way. He might get his head around the idea. Okay, he's still behaving like a bit of a twat but talk to him about how he feels and why before you make any decisions yourself.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 12/12/2019 10:09

He's not amazing. He's got you pregnant THREE times and insists he's not ready for a baby.
He's a prick who enjoys shagging with no consideration for you, your body or your mental health.

He's a piece of shit.

I'm sorry OP but you need to leave him. You really do.

Original poster
Pizza1997 · 12/12/2019 10:10

It’s just really difficult to want to leave him, because apart from this he really has been amazing to me

OP posts:
Oliversmumsarmy · 12/12/2019 10:11

I just don’t want to be without him, because regardless of this he’s amazing I I just wish he’d of stuck to his word when he said if r happens it happen

Hardly amazing if he can’t be truthful with you. And cruel as well having you living with the “I might leave” hanging over your head

If you are sure this isn’t a knee jerk reaction then tell him to go now.

FWIW I have lots of friends who are single parents. They are some of the happiest and some of the most successful people I know.

Being a single parent isn’t all doom and gloom

GiveHerHellFromUs · 12/12/2019 10:14

Judging by your username you're 22. You're 22 and been pregnant 3 times with a man who won't commit to having a baby with you.

You've got plenty of time to find someone who really wants to spend their life with you and have a family with you.

Is he your first love?

dontmentionbookclub · 12/12/2019 10:15

Just take your time and stick to what you want. He won't be the first man who says this and then gradually changes his mind over time. He doesn't know what he wants, but you know what you want. That's enough for now, without linking it to splitting up or whatever. Tell him what you want and what you are going to do and give him some time to get used to it before you do anything drastic.

Boymummy3 · 12/12/2019 10:16

The way I see it is If he seen a future with you he wouldn't say oh I don't know if I'd leave or not (if you was to keep the baby)
Partners can come and go and I wouldn't stay with my partner if he said this to me if we was technically trying for a baby. It may seem it rite now that he is your everything but if you want this child don't think of it as oh ill be a single mum I always wanted the family life because it doesn't mean you won't have that, you just may not have it with this person.
Chances are he may just be scared and when the pregnancy progresses and the baby arrived he may be Completly different and dote on you and your child but he may not.
You need to take him out of the equation and decide what you exactly want but I'll be really honest from your replys it does seem you would much prefer to stay with him? Which of course is totally upto you X

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