Partner wants me to get an abortion.

[Pizza1997]

Just looking for some advice really.
So I’ve been with my partner around 3 years.
Round about a year ago I fell pregnant I had a termination because at that point it was the right thing to do. We didn’t have a house together my boyfriend didn’t have a stable job, we wasn’t exactly stable, and as much as the choice hurt me at that moment i do still believe it was the right thing to do but it still hurts a lot.
About 7 months ago we moved in together, my partner got a stable job, and I fell pregnant again, this ended in a miscarriage which really did crush us both.
After that we both just agreed when pregnancy again happened it happened and we wasn’t actively trying or rushing, but we was not being careful either, but both agreed when it did happen we’d be happy!
So recently I’ve just found out I’m pregnant again, and my partner has said he doesn’t feel ready for a baby, and that he wants me to terminate.
I know In my head that’s not what I want to do as the reasons for the termination in the past have completely changed now, he said he wouldn’t force to, but didn’t say he wouldn’t leave me if I was to have the baby he just said he didn’t know if he would...
I don’t know what to do because I really wouldn’t want to be a single mum, I dreamed of having such a perfect ‘normal’ family.
I wouldn’t want to resent him if I got a termination, but I wouldn’t want him to resent me or leave if I kept the baby. I just don’t know what to do

Yeah I am 22, So does that mean you think I should terminate and leave him and find someone else? I just can’t even figure out what I want to do because if I do leave him and have the baby I’ll always have some kind of attachment to him

Would you be happy to stay with him and never have kids? Because how would you ever believe him next time if he says he wants to have kids? What's to stop him asking you to have a termination again next time and having the same dilemma.

If you definitely want children, I think you need to tell him that and if he still wants you to abort then you need to leave. He can be the best guy ever but you seem to suffer in a fundamental way.

I'm not saying you should terminate because I know some fantastic young single moms.

I do think you need to put yourself first.
He's bad for you. Everything is on his terms with 0 consideration for you or your feelings.
You deserve better.

You might not always have that connection to him because he says he's not ready, so maybe he won't bother at all. Only you know that though.

You've twice said he's amazing. He doesn't sound that way to me.

This man has willingly helped to make you pregnant 3 times. Three times! And of those three pregnancies he has asked you to terminate two. Let’s face it, he’d probably have asked you to terminate the middle pregnancy if it hadn’t resulted in a miscarriage. The “man” is not amazing to you. He’s irresponsible and selfish and sees each pregnancy as nothing more than an inconvenience to get rid of, regardless of the physical and mental effects it has on your body. To him, abortion is his easy contraception of choice, as it has no bearing at all on him. Please realise how much better than this you can do. You do not need to settle for someone with such little regard towards you and your health and well-being.

I agree with PP that maybe it's not the right relationship but also maybe he is just in shock and still hurting after the miscarriage if you were both devastated. Decide if u want this wee baby or not then decide on what to do about ur partner but he may come around many men say they want u to have an abortion then finally realise they do want the baby. Could go either way unfortunately

I understand completely what you are all saying and maybe your all right I should leave him but I just don’t know what to do about the baby to terminate would give me no connections to him I could just move on but then termination wasn’t what I wanted I’ve never felt so confused and alone thank you all for replying to me really has made me feel less alone

Has he provided any explanation for his change of heart?

How far gone are you?
Do you have anyone to discuss the practicality of being a single parent with?

At the age of 22, personally I would seriously consider terminating but then cutting all ties with him. You have plenty of time to move on and find a man who loves and respects you and have a family together when the time is right. However I certainly wouldn't judge you if you chose to go ahead with the pregnancy alone.

Why isn't he using condoms if he's got you pregnant 3 times but doesn't want a baby?

His explanation is because he says he’s not ready now, his head apparently isn’t in a great place. I said do you not think that mine isn’t now you’ve switched on me the way you have! I’ve spoken to a few close friends but they just kind of reassure me that either way they will support me! I just kinda think if I did terminate he’d do everything in his power to then keep me because I’ve done really what he wanted me to do. It’s just hard because if I was to leave it would be perfect to have no ties with him but then I don’t know if I would still resent him for the termination I’ve never felt so head messed ever

I asked why didn’t you want to use protection then and his reply was because I didn’t know id feel this way if/when it happened

Leave first, decide later.
They're two separate issues.

If you terminate and stay, what will you do the next time he says he's ready?
Will you believe him?
Will you spend the whole pregnancy worried that he might change his mind, or that he'll disappear once the baby is born?

He knew exactly how he'd feel because you've had the exact same experience twice now.

His explanation is because he says he’s not ready now, his head apparently isn’t in a great place

He's not ready, and yet he helped you get pregnant three times. In other words, he's enjoying a sexual relationship but can't be bothered about the consequences.
Somewhere out there is a man who will care for you and the children you share. It certainly is not this man.

He didn't know he would feel this way?? He's had two rounds of you being pregnant already. He really has no excuse for this behaviour.

Sadly, I agree with others. Your relationship is over either way. You really can't trust him.

The decision for you is do you want to have a baby alone? Great that you have friends who will support you either way.

Your message below sounds like you might want to both leave the relationship and terminate the pregnancy. That is an option available to you. Don't feel you have to stay with him even if you decide to terminate

I know maybe I just need to leave him I just wish I could decide what’s best for the baby

You say you can afford the baby, so consider the following:

Are you currently working?
Could you afford to support yourself through maternity leave?
What would you do about childcare once you're back at work?
Could you afford to kit out a nursery, clothes, bottles, formula (it's not always possible to breastfeed)?
Do you have family who'd be happy to help with childcare?
Could you cope (mentally as well as physically and financially) living on your own?
Do you drive and have a car?

Your boyfriend is a piece of shit to keep messing you about like this! Dump him, have your baby, move on with your life!

He sounds very immature and completely lacking in compassion. He should be able to see that having a termination was not easy for you and how it affected you. It sounds like he thinks it’s no big deal. If he truly cared about you he wouldn’t have let you go through all of that to then get you pregnant another two times and now manipulate you into thinking that if you don’t terminate he might leave you. It doesn’t matter how amazing he is in every other way if he has so little regard for your physical and mental well-being that he would put you in this position and ask this of you then he isn’t a decent person. It is fine for him to say he’s scared about being a dad, many men are. However, he needs to face up to his responsibilities too and not expect you to pay the emotional and physical price for him changing his mind. Has he considered that asking you to terminate could be the end of his relationship with you? And if so, keep in mind that he has gone ahead and asked you to anyway. I think some of the indecision is that you are seeing it as being choosing between a baby and a relationship but you probably need to decide on them both separately instead.

Or leaving him and having the termination is another great option if that’s what you want to do! Do whatever feels right for you! But above all else, get rid of this hideous man.

That’s pretty disgusting of him. You pretty much agreed to let nature take it’s course, and if you’re fertile and having sex then pregnancy is inevitable. Nature took its course and now he wants you to have an abortion? Maybe he’s just having cold feet.

I am currently working I do drive and I believe mentally could support the baby alone, but it’s just the life for the baby which I don’t know would be good. His family are very manipulating people his sister and her baby dad are split and every time the child has been it’s dads the quiz it on it’s time there ect id have my child to be quizzed on it’s time with me I don’t know if the separated life would be good for the child I’m just trying to put the baby first

It’s just so so shocking to me because before hand he was so not immature the first termination was really more my choice than his he did want to keep that baby at the start of things it was me who said we’re not financially capable the baby wouldn’t have it’s own home we don’t have stable jobs ect, but now we seem to have all of that now he says he’s not ready it’s just so confusing and he even says he doesn’t understand why he feels that way!