Terrified, 4 weeks pregnant

[Boooop]

I’m Canadian and am currently in the uk spending time with my boyfriend of almost a year. I wasn’t planning on returning to Canada until mid Jan.

When I return to Canada I will have to find a place to live, as I couldn’t afford high Toronto rent while travelling abroad. The plan is to get a place, work for awhile while he is paying down a debt in the uk, then have him come over, get married and sponsored.

We are both 33. I found out two days ago that I’m pregnant. I have always wanted a child but never thought it would happen, as I have a bicornate uterus and some other medical issues. When I saw the test I was shocked, we used condoms for the most part, and pull out method twice. Big mistake.

I don’t know how to feel or what to do. I’m rational and pro choice, I would have been excited and yet still terrified if he was happy or atleast excited when he found out but he wasn’t. He wants an abortion and tells me multiple time’s a day. He says he’s not ready, he can’t afford a kid right now and he is looking forward to us to enjoy the beginning of our marriage without the stress of a baby.
He does say he wants children with me when we are both financially stable and he has a job in Canada. I respect and even agree with a lot of his reasoning. It makes sense.

This is my first pregnancy and I’m scared it will be my only chance to have a child. I don’t know if that is the right reason to have a child. I have a job in Canada that I love but it’s physically demanding and long days with unpredictable hours. I am very much in love with this man and I want to spend my life with him, but he is so adamant that he doesn’t want this right now that I feel if I keep the baby I will be doing it on my own which will be a massive struggle.

I keep flip flopping, this is the most important decision of my life. My mother is very supportive and agrees with whatever decision I make as long as it’s mine. She confessed that she had an abortion prior to having me and it still haunts her at times, I already know that an abortion will be extremely tolling on me emotionally. I feel I will regret either decision at this point. I would be eternally grateful for any insight, advice or even past experiences any one is willing to share.

One more major concern I have is that since I’m in the uk I can’t access any medical assistance without costing a lot of money, a scan for example is 1000£ which is almost 2000 cad. I haven’t had blood work in awhile and have suffered from an eating disorder and a lot of grief over the past 1.5 years. I don’t know if the baby is ok or If I’m healthy enough to have it. I stopped smoking when I found out and am going to take vitamins tomorrow in case I decide to keep it. Apparently this bicornate (heart shaped) uterus increases birth defects by 4%

It’s hard to make an informed decision with so many emotions. I don’t want to lose my relationship, my job or independence to a degree, but I also don’t want to miss out on the opportunity to be a parent. Part of me thinks I will never forgive myself if I have n abortion, but I also don’t think I could forgive myself if I rob us of the opportunity to have a secure future with the possibility of children.

I know this is a novel, I appreciate your time and any feedback.

@elmosducks i’ve been an expat for over 15 years as well - in my experience balanced expat families work (conscious decision by all involved, and continuation of existing roles). change of roles (one partner suddenly a sahp without really wanting to but due to visa, costs of childcare etc) hardly ever works

You are 33 and because of health issues you didn’t think you could become pregnant but you have and as you say it may be the only time you ever become pregnant.
I wouldn’t have an abortion in your position.

OTOH you aren’t exactly young and your plans sound like they are going to take years anyway in which case aren’t you going to be timed out even if you had perfect health and did have an abortion now you would still end up childless.

How long will it take for him to pay off the debt. (How many jobs is he working to pay the debt off?)

How long will it take for him to be financially secure.

How long till he arrives in Canada, how long before you are married, how long for him to get his work visa.

How long does he have to feel secure in the job.

How long after the wedding does he want to leave it till you do try again?

You don’t need a scan till 12 weeks.

Start taking your folic acid and go back to Canada where you can access the healthcare.

I know your mum said it is up to you but I think she will be over the moon that you are pregnant.

Things will work themselves out.

Sometimes the “I’m not ready” excuse really means “I don’t want kids and I’ll never be ready but I’m not going to admit it in the hope you’ll give up”.

What if you have a termination, move to Canada, get married, build up some savings... by this time you’re 36 maybe? And then he says he’s still not ready. Or he is ready and you can’t conceive.

Having a termination at 33 is a BIG risk. I wouldn’t have taken it.

@Lightkeeper that's another point I agree with - let the drunkards etc die. There's a huge amount of things that in my opinion the nhs (and policing etc) should not be paying for.
I still believe ivf is in with the same group of things that are not necessary to be paid for. It's not a life or death situation not to have a child and not very fair to use the 'well I've paid my taxes so I'm entitled'. The world is overpopulated enough. Fertility rates are apparently falling in Europe so we're likely to be paying for more and more for this in future.

@Doormat247

And why do you think are fertility rates falling in Europe?! It's not the only reason but people making it seem easy for a woman to conceive past 35 is WRONG. You wouldn't be paying out for fertility treatment if this message wasn't constantly being pushed out there.

It is also very, very easy for you (who has kids) to say that others who have fertility problems should just not have kids. I don't know whether you realize how incredibly insensitive you are.

Overpopulation happens elsewhere in the world (Europe is declining), and that's because women's education (and opportunities) are not pushed far enough in those countries.

Other developed countries are able to provide better health service than the UK - they don't just address life/death situations (which seems to be what you want the NHS to focus on)... and that is probably why they constantly make fun of British teen, for example!

Instead of saying the NHS is already burdened enough and bringing everything down to the lowest common denominator, why don't you want to see see how it can be better? Or are you one of those people who moan and moan about NHS funding, education, etc. but then don't want to pay out for it?!?

I meant British teeth...

@Lightkeeper why are you getting so aggressive just because I don't agree with you.
I DO NOT HAVE KIDS - I'm currently pregnant with my first and only one. So no, I'm not bragging about how easy it is at all.

And when did I say I didn't want to pay out for nhs care? I've paid my taxes and would like them to go on saving lives or improving lives - the very small amount of nhs care my family has received has been absolutely atrocious. And I'm sure that would have been improved if we weren't spending huge chunks of money on ivf, drug/alcohol problems, health tourism, people who are too fat to walk, etc etc, the list of wasted money could go on forever.

I don't like that this argument is hijacking the OPs post. I replied to her with my experiences which were similar to hers as when I posted something like her post last year I was hounded by women saying I should keep the baby, despite it being the wrong decision, just because I should feel sorry for those who can't have them. I had to change my user name as the nasty comments were constant.
The OP should be able to make her own decision without the scaremongering.

I personally do not agree with IVF being available on the nhs. If I'd have required treatment to get pregnant I just wouldn't have had a child, rather than saddle the nhs with costs it could do without. It's no one's right to have a child so in my opinion my taxes shouldn't be paying for it.

Sorry but is anyone else in a state of shock at this 🤯

Its drunken idiots overstretching the NHS not IVF. Infertility is a bitch and I wouldnt wish it on my worst enemy. Im more than happy for my taxes to fund the wonderful feeling of having your very own baby and loving it more than life itself.

@Doormat247 you acknowledge that no one you know has had fertility issues, I am guessing that is why you would make a comment like that. Ew.

@asmv and @Bippety - Yes, I was shock at that comment... hence, me getting 'aggressive' according to @Doormat247 who really doesn't seem to understand how insensitive she truly is.

I mean... WTF.

@Doormat247 wow, just wow.

Oooof well this post definitely took a turn.

Thank you for the insight everybody, I’m still very undecided but we are going to both take a week to think about it and then discuss it again.

I’m starting to feel that maybe I just shouldn’t be a mother, maybe I’m too selfish. It’s something I thought I always wanted but now I’m not so sure I’m ready to give up my entire life to raise a child. (After a stroll through the mall which was rammed with kids)

I really enjoy my job, my new Semi care free nomad lifestyle, adventures with my partner, none of which I can do with a child I will be forever responsible for. These thoughts on top of the financial stresses are constantly looping through my brain. Were any of you feeling that way when you found out? Is this completely selfish and an indicator I’m not ready or is this a normal thought process?

I have been tied down majority of my life and just recently (end of last year) have been blessed with some freedom to live for myself. Should I give this away for something that’s currently the size of a sesame seed? I don’t mean for that last statement to sound crass it’s just what’s going on in my head.

I'm not sure OP.
When I found out I was just in shock.
I do think it's important that you're willing and able to put your child first and understand that your life will change. Too many posts from people expecting their child to sleep through at a few days old. That's really not how it works.
You will be exhausted.
When you can't take anymore, you'll have to.
When you want to eat you can't.
When you want to wee you have to think about lo first.
Obviously these change throughout time and it's all worth it but just for some perspective.

Your body, Your choice OP, not his.

Too many posts from people expecting their child to sleep through at a few days old. That's really not how it works.
You will be exhausted.
When you can't take anymore, you'll have to.
When you want to eat you can't.
When you want to wee you have to think about lo first.
Obviously these change throughout time and it's all worth it but just for some perspective.

Sorry, I don't agree with this. This isn't the case for everyone.
My DS is a dream. Sleeps through and is very content. Of course I could be a lucky one but I don't agree with you saying that is how it will be which simply isn't true.

OP whilst there always practicalities, finances and lifestyle changes to take into account it is still is and is always going to be a very emotional choice to make.

You can rationalise many things (as can your DP) but ultimately you can not rationalise your way out of the emotions you feel in regards to a pregnancy.

Following your last post where you e said your not even sure you should be a mother. This simply is not true, this is you trying to rationalise your thinking to be more in line with your partners because it makes things so much easier. Sadly though unless you are really really absolutely sure that you feel this way, don’t go through with a termination on this basis. If you do, the rational you gave yourself to go through with it at the time will feel like a piss poor excuse after and it is a stick with which to beat and emotionally torture yourself.

You say you have always wanted kids, this doesn’t change just because you got pregnant unexpectedly and unplanned. Trust me as a mother of 3 when I say that even the most planned of pregnancies can have you doubting your wants and wondering what on earth have you done. Freaking out is normal planned or not, it’s a big life change which comes with a huge responsibility but also lots of joy (otherwise why would anyone do it) its not unusual to experience doubts is all I’m saying.

I’m not trying to tip you one way or the other here, but given your age, your uterus and the fact you said you’ve always wanted to be a mother, I urge you to consider as honestly and as deeply as you can what YOU want to do (forget your partner for the moment) and go from there.

I will tentatively share that I have been in this position and had a termination (I had HG and was delirious and incoherent I was so sick, my EX partner took me to the clinic organised and paid for it all, the Clinic really should not have accepted any of this given I was unable to consent) I didn’t even get to make the choice but the regret and guilt I felt was immense and the urge to be pregnant again was unbelievable (even though I’d had HG and been very sick) but of course getting pregnant again doesn’t replace the baby that was terminated and besides the point my EX didn’t want that anyway. It broke our relationship and I left him 3 years later. Of course I did finally have children and now have 3, I still think of that baby often...I always will. I don’t share this to put you off having a termination, I tell it only to make you aware that often time’s having a termination has its own challenges and once it’s done it’s done, you can’t go back in time and change your mind. Do all you can to be sure it’s the right thing for you and make the most of the counselling services that are offered there is no pressure whatever you decide.

I hope this post hasn’t been too upsetting for you and I wish you the very best

If it helps how you are feeling Booop is exactly how a few of my friends felt when they found out they were pregnant when they had decided to start trying and fell pregnant soon after.

Their first thoughts were Shit what have we done and the same sort of thing you are feeling. I like my life how it is now.

The thing with children is whilst your life might never be quite the same again it doesn’t make it worse.

It is a new reality.

There is nothing stopping you travelling or doing things you planned to do it just takes an extra list.