Terrified, 4 weeks pregnant

[Boooop]

I’m Canadian and am currently in the uk spending time with my boyfriend of almost a year. I wasn’t planning on returning to Canada until mid Jan.

When I return to Canada I will have to find a place to live, as I couldn’t afford high Toronto rent while travelling abroad. The plan is to get a place, work for awhile while he is paying down a debt in the uk, then have him come over, get married and sponsored.

We are both 33. I found out two days ago that I’m pregnant. I have always wanted a child but never thought it would happen, as I have a bicornate uterus and some other medical issues. When I saw the test I was shocked, we used condoms for the most part, and pull out method twice. Big mistake.

I don’t know how to feel or what to do. I’m rational and pro choice, I would have been excited and yet still terrified if he was happy or atleast excited when he found out but he wasn’t. He wants an abortion and tells me multiple time’s a day. He says he’s not ready, he can’t afford a kid right now and he is looking forward to us to enjoy the beginning of our marriage without the stress of a baby.
He does say he wants children with me when we are both financially stable and he has a job in Canada. I respect and even agree with a lot of his reasoning. It makes sense.

This is my first pregnancy and I’m scared it will be my only chance to have a child. I don’t know if that is the right reason to have a child. I have a job in Canada that I love but it’s physically demanding and long days with unpredictable hours. I am very much in love with this man and I want to spend my life with him, but he is so adamant that he doesn’t want this right now that I feel if I keep the baby I will be doing it on my own which will be a massive struggle.

I keep flip flopping, this is the most important decision of my life. My mother is very supportive and agrees with whatever decision I make as long as it’s mine. She confessed that she had an abortion prior to having me and it still haunts her at times, I already know that an abortion will be extremely tolling on me emotionally. I feel I will regret either decision at this point. I would be eternally grateful for any insight, advice or even past experiences any one is willing to share.

One more major concern I have is that since I’m in the uk I can’t access any medical assistance without costing a lot of money, a scan for example is 1000£ which is almost 2000 cad. I haven’t had blood work in awhile and have suffered from an eating disorder and a lot of grief over the past 1.5 years. I don’t know if the baby is ok or If I’m healthy enough to have it. I stopped smoking when I found out and am going to take vitamins tomorrow in case I decide to keep it. Apparently this bicornate (heart shaped) uterus increases birth defects by 4%

It’s hard to make an informed decision with so many emotions. I don’t want to lose my relationship, my job or independence to a degree, but I also don’t want to miss out on the opportunity to be a parent. Part of me thinks I will never forgive myself if I have n abortion, but I also don’t think I could forgive myself if I rob us of the opportunity to have a secure future with the possibility of children.

I know this is a novel, I appreciate your time and any feedback.

Have a think for a week. I don't think you want an abortion and this could be your only chance as you stated! Your partner really needs to realise that too. Don't make a decision based on anyone else. I had one at 18 due to everyone else's reactions. I needed people to be nice but my parents were cross and I didn't have an adult to have a sensible chat with. My mum denied me of that because she doesn't do the loving warm stuff. She believes being cold is the norm. I know now 12 years on that if someone took care of me when I had horrible morning sickness I'd of been a great mum. I just needed someone to make me toast and tell me I'd be ok. I laid in bed for a month until I gave up any hope and booked an abortion. I had it done at ten weeks. It was definitely based on pleasing everyone else!

I empathise but I really think an AIBU poll is crass for this kind of question.

If you truly wanted an abortion, you’d not be in the place you are now.

Good luck with your decision OP.

Don't have an abortion if you feel he'll leave you if you don't.

This very well might be your only chance to have a child. Think about that.

Right now you are pregnant. You have a chance of a baby.

Possibility of a baby in the future is not the same as the reality now.

If he wasn't ready for kids he should have used a condom 100% of the time. Tough now mate.

BlackSwan - she already said she posted in the wrong place. Back off.

I paid for a private scan and it was £80.

I don't think you sound like you want an abortion, OP. Say you get one and you stay with him.
You could spend a lot of time thinking 'what if' (particularly with fertility concerns) that may drive a wedge between you anyway. I don't think anyone should ever get an abortion just because a man wants one.

I agree that the coin toss isn't a bad idea. Your gut reaction when the coin is in the air will tell you what you want to do.

If he wasn't ready for kids he should have used a condom 100% of the time. Tough now mate.

I agree with this. He can't be irresponsible and expect you to have to do something you don't want to do afterwards.

I wouldn't terminate to please someone else. Supposing you do, your relationship stays the course then but you can't conceive again when.you want to? He could likely hold that against you too. I'm sorry that you're going through this, so far from home. It must be very stressful.

@EleanorShellstrop100 as an expat you will be aware of the (much) higher divorce rates in expats. going to ones partners home country with the other one being a (at the moment very reluctant ) stay at home parent , together with the extreme working hours of the op is extremely likely to go wrong. the op needs another plan as a backup.

A man who is certain he doesn't want children yet would never use an unreliable method like withdrawal. A man who loves you would not expose you to the risk of an unwanted pregnancy; he would never put you through the coercion of urging you to abort his baby multiple times a day.

His irresponsible ejaculation has created this situation. He has the chance to step up and show love and support to the person he has put at risk.

Judge him by his actions. Make your decision for yourself and your potential child, not to please or try to keep him. You already know he is irresponsible and unsupportive so don't count on him.

So sorry he has shown himself up like this.

I would get yourself back to Canada ASAP where you have the emotional support and access to medical care.

Your boyfriend will either follow you as planned, or he won’t - either way at least you will know where you stand.

I certainly wouldn’t have an abortion just because he says so - as others have pointed out, if he was truly against having a child he should have made sure you both used proper contraception rather than now relying on abortion as a form of contraception (you know what I mean!)

Make your decision based on what YOU want to do and what’s best for you and your baby. Chances are that because of this the relationship is on its way out anyway, and having an abortion isn’t going to make it all better. You will always resent him for it, especially if you can’t get pregnant again when he is “ready”.

Ok, so firstly, you are not missing out on any antenatal care. A scan at 4 weeks would give minimal information, likely the embryo won't even be visible. Bloods and scans are done at your booking appt at around 10-12 weeks. So you have time to stay to January if you wish. Personally I suggest returning to Canada now, I think you will be able to be more rational if you return now in making your decisions. Also, if you return to work quicker, you could keep the savings you are living off now which will be useful in the future. You need to make your decision away from your partner, it has to be your own decision without his influence. I feel you have a better chance of doing so if you don't have him yapping in your ear every few mins to get an abortion.

I feel he has shown his true colours here and again, maybe with some distance, you can get some perspective on the relationship.

Good luck with whatever your decision is, be kind to yourself. Your mum may have regrets about her termination, but it was clearly the right decision for her at the time, which is what you have to hold on to if you choose to go down that route.

We're going to move this over to pregnancy now for you, OP.

@myself2020 I have been an expat for 15 years and only a handful of my friends over the years have got divorced. I think the picture you paint is very bleak and not at all reflective of all expat or mixed nationality partnerships.

Go to Canada and have your baby. The relationship may break up either way so dont deny yourself whaf could be your only chance. Good luck

Bpas don't provide independent counselling. They make money from abortions.

BPAS are independent. They are an independent charity who advocate for womens reproductive health and rights. As well as abortion services (including counselling) they also offer contraception and contraceptive advice. They receive money from the NHS for abortions that they carry out on their behalf but this is not them "making money" from abortions, it is the NHS using their facilities and resources for a service they (the NHS) themselves are providing and refers patients into BPAS.

I have had two unplanned pregnancies, one I did abort as it was entirely the wrong time and the other I kept. The one I kept, I spoke to BPAS. I had no pressure whatsoever to proceed, no judgement, and was supported to reach my own decision by having someone neutral to weigh the pros and cons with.

Go to Canada and have your baby.

I wouldn't let this man talk me into anything.

This could be your only chance.

@MyDcAreMarvel

Non-EU patients lay 150% of the cost of treatment upfront. OP would pay roughly £300-500 on the NHS for a 12 week scan and closer to the £1000 fee if it was an early scan. If she were to go private she is definitely quoting the right figure (excludes high street chains like babybond whose scans are not accepted for medical purposes but cost £40-150).

@Hugsandpastries @Doormat247

Ladies, please don't perpetuate that thinking that getting pregnant after 35 is easy. Far too many people I know have fallen for this and regret not having thought about this before. About half of the women I know who are 35+ needed fertility treatment to conceive their first child.

The NHS website that Hugsandpastries links to doesn't say whether the 82% that get pregnant within a year are having a child for the first time or not. There's a huge difference between a 36-year-old woman with two kids who gets pregnant again vs a first-timer. The woman with two kids has already proven she and her partner are fertile. With the woman who's trying for the first time... no one knows. So, ideally, the NHS would discount the one with kids from their statistics, but they don't.

Now, if you are 35 and are trying for the first time, you will try for a baby 6 months to a year before going to your GP. Some might look at that NHS website linked to above and wait a whole two years!!! Meaning... by the time you admit to yourself you are having issues, you'll be 36-37.

When you do go to your GP, you (and your partner!) will need to do tests. Getting men to do these tests can be cumbersome. Mine dragged his feet for about 6 months. So by the time you finished these tests, you are 37-38.

Please note that IVF under the NHS (depending on where you live) often has a cut-off point of 37, i.e. they won't pay for you to have this treatment if you're older. Why? Because statistically, your chances decline as you get older... and the NHS doesn't want to pay for treatment were the success rate is low.

What then tends to follow is private fertility treatment where you spend loads of your own money (5 to 6-figure sums) at home or abroad to bring that baby home.

Yes, there are women who easily get pregnant aged 35+ for the first time. But don't always assume you're going to win nature's lottery and be one of them.

@Lightkeeper there's also plenty of truth in women getting pregnant with no issues around 35.
I don't even know of one woman who has needed IVF or couldn't get pregnant for the first time over that age.
Every woman in my family (going back multiple generations) have conceived for the first time aged over 30. My grandmothers were in their 40s when they conceived.
So please don't scare people into keeping babies that aren't going to be able to have the best chance at a settled family (be that because of money issues or having to move back to another country possibly without the father), just because it 'might not' happen again.
The IVF over 37 issue isn't just about ability to conceive, it's also due to the increased problems that older mothers during pregnancy may experience. The nhs still seem to expect all those over 35 to be knackered, inactive and overweight.

I do know of several men who have fertility issues regardless of age and in my experience is actually common - it's generally assumed it's the woman's fault they can't conceive.

@Doormat247

In my 20s/early 30s, I would have agreed with you. I wasn't ready then (although I was already with my current husband). He was still at uni at the time, and having a child was inconceivable for us. Well, what happened? Girlfriends of his fellow doctorates had kids... and they all turned out fine. No problems with not being settled, etc.

The truth is that regardless of how fertile your family is, there are many, many women out there undergoing treatment but who do not tell anyone, so you wouldn't know. I have an acquaintance who got pregnant a few years ago in her late 30s and at the time, she said it was really quick, they didn't try long. Well, later on she actually old me she underwent years of fertility treatment. Same story with many other women... there's a pattern I recognize by now, and I instinctively know by now.

You might think I'm scaremongering here, but what I am telling you is actually what fertility doctors (not all of them men) told me: many women leave it late, put their careers first, etc. but that doesn't change the fact that we do have a biological clock. Hindsight isn't a wonderful thing when it comes to fertility; by the time you do have hindsight it's too late.

When it comes to being settled, etc. – if you live in the UK you'll never really be secure. If you or your husband have an employer that you have worked for less than two years, you can be made redundant just like that. Even if you worked longer than that, you might get a few months pay to help you out, but it's still not safe. It's different on the continent, where you're likely to get several years salary after being made redundant, so don't have to worry much at all.

If we extrapolated this... with Brexit looming... maybe we should all just put off having babies.

Op scans can be purchased on groupon.

@Lightkeeper I agree with you that more people putting off having children right now would be an excellent idea. Mine will certainly be an only child.
I can't understand why people have children in a situation where there isn't stability in the family or for financial circumstances.
My partner and I now have very stable jobs but that has taken years to get to.

I personally do not agree with IVF being available on the nhs. If I'd have required treatment to get pregnant I just wouldn't have had a child, rather than saddle the nhs with costs it could do without. It's no one's right to have a child so in my opinion my taxes shouldn't be paying for it.

I understand what you're saying, that many people you know have had fertility issues, but I'm on the opposite end of the spectrum - no woman I know had any issues at all.
It may or may not be the case for everyone but it is a risk people may have to take rather than keeping a child just because they may not get another chance. I took that chance and it paid off for me, but I'd also have been fine if it hadn't.

I personally do not agree with IVF being available on the nhs. If I'd have required treatment to get pregnant I just wouldn't have had a child, rather than saddle the nhs with costs it could do without. It's no one's right to have a child so in my opinion my taxes shouldn't be paying for it.

Well, we disagree there big time @Doormat247 and that's the end of story. At the end of the day the taxes we pay for the NHS are like insurance policies. The NHS is not some holy institute, by the way, everyone in Europe gets free healthcare. IVF is covered by (state/mandatory) insurance policies pretty much everywhere in Europe.

I can also ask... why should my taxes pay for someone's drunken escapades every Friday/Saturday night?!? Let them die FFS - they brought it upon themselves.

And by the way... IVF - at cost - should be well under 2k mach go (that's how much it cost 'privately' in expensive Norway). Somehow, in the UK this rises to around 7-8k privately... meaning a lot of the money is profit and nothing else.

So done within the NHS... the charge should just be 'at cost'.