Terrified, 4 weeks pregnant

[Boooop]

I’m Canadian and am currently in the uk spending time with my boyfriend of almost a year. I wasn’t planning on returning to Canada until mid Jan.

When I return to Canada I will have to find a place to live, as I couldn’t afford high Toronto rent while travelling abroad. The plan is to get a place, work for awhile while he is paying down a debt in the uk, then have him come over, get married and sponsored.

We are both 33. I found out two days ago that I’m pregnant. I have always wanted a child but never thought it would happen, as I have a bicornate uterus and some other medical issues. When I saw the test I was shocked, we used condoms for the most part, and pull out method twice. Big mistake.

I don’t know how to feel or what to do. I’m rational and pro choice, I would have been excited and yet still terrified if he was happy or atleast excited when he found out but he wasn’t. He wants an abortion and tells me multiple time’s a day. He says he’s not ready, he can’t afford a kid right now and he is looking forward to us to enjoy the beginning of our marriage without the stress of a baby.
He does say he wants children with me when we are both financially stable and he has a job in Canada. I respect and even agree with a lot of his reasoning. It makes sense.

This is my first pregnancy and I’m scared it will be my only chance to have a child. I don’t know if that is the right reason to have a child. I have a job in Canada that I love but it’s physically demanding and long days with unpredictable hours. I am very much in love with this man and I want to spend my life with him, but he is so adamant that he doesn’t want this right now that I feel if I keep the baby I will be doing it on my own which will be a massive struggle.

I keep flip flopping, this is the most important decision of my life. My mother is very supportive and agrees with whatever decision I make as long as it’s mine. She confessed that she had an abortion prior to having me and it still haunts her at times, I already know that an abortion will be extremely tolling on me emotionally. I feel I will regret either decision at this point. I would be eternally grateful for any insight, advice or even past experiences any one is willing to share.

One more major concern I have is that since I’m in the uk I can’t access any medical assistance without costing a lot of money, a scan for example is 1000£ which is almost 2000 cad. I haven’t had blood work in awhile and have suffered from an eating disorder and a lot of grief over the past 1.5 years. I don’t know if the baby is ok or If I’m healthy enough to have it. I stopped smoking when I found out and am going to take vitamins tomorrow in case I decide to keep it. Apparently this bicornate (heart shaped) uterus increases birth defects by 4%

It’s hard to make an informed decision with so many emotions. I don’t want to lose my relationship, my job or independence to a degree, but I also don’t want to miss out on the opportunity to be a parent. Part of me thinks I will never forgive myself if I have n abortion, but I also don’t think I could forgive myself if I rob us of the opportunity to have a secure future with the possibility of children.

I know this is a novel, I appreciate your time and any feedback.

I had a similar-ish predicament. Except I was married to the british father. I went back to Canada (Vancouver, where I still am) at six weeks pregnant and got a job and did the 600 hours necessary to qualify for mat leave. Between the CCB, mat leave and the child support (our countries have an enforcement through REMO, google it) I have done fine for myself.

Might want to remind him there's an agreement between Canada and the U.K. (and several other countries) and he won't be ditching out on child maintenance even if you do go back to Canada.

If you go to bpas and ask for a scan they do it no matter how far along you are. As long as they think you’re considering termination.

I was in pretty much your same predicament. Didn’t really want an abortion, boyfriend did. I thought doing what he wanted would fix everything. So I had the abortion, a month later he cheated on me and we broke up. A year later I found out I have endometriosis, a bicorniate uterus, was in hospital for an ovarian torsion and sepsis from a burst cyst on my ovary. I am now trying to conceive with my partnwr as I live in fear everyday that if I don’t conceive I will have to live with the guilt of destroying my only chance.

It’s your choice, but I would do absolutely anything to go back to that day and stop myself.

You have learned a lot about your boyfriend and yourself.
I wish you the very best whatever you decide.
My all purpose piece of advice is "never set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm".

Will you be okay with never having a baby? Because with your condition that’s very likely. I would definitely not have a termination. It’s a miracle you got pregnant.

@countryescape I wouldn’t say it’s very likely. bicornate uterus does not make it harder to get pregnant it just increases risk of miscarriage

I am very pro choice but in your situation, I wouldn't terminate.

No one is every really ready financially or mentally. And you don't have lots of time, plus your own medical issues.

I understand that the thought of a miscarriage offered you some relief, as it would remove the responsibility of you having to make a decision.

I don't think you sound like someone who wants to terminate.

I think you have to take him out of the equation and think about what you want from this situation. Your body, your choice. ❤️❤️❤️

Do what you want to do for you. Go back to Canada. If he's meant to be he'll sort out his debts and follow you whatever you decide.

Don't go to bpas for independent counselling. It won't be independent.
Is this correct, your boyfriend will leave you if you decide to keep your baby? If this is the kind of person he is then how could you choose him over your baby? And why would you even want to be with him if that is the kind of person he is. You will be fine raising a baby alone, if it's what you want, especially if you have some support and it sounds like you will from your mother.
Let us know whatever you decide and good luck

Going a bit against the grain: your best plan is going to canada, your boyfriend looking after the baby fulltime while you work extremely long hours. don’t get me wrong, but that is a recipe for diseaster. a lot of expat marriages fail with this setup, and that is with planned pregnancies. one partner stuck at home in a new country with a new baby hardly ever works out well.
you will need a different plan - with or without your partner!

Sorry that you’re going through this. A lot of people are saying a bicornate uterus makes it very hard to conceive, but according to the Tommy’s website this isn’t automatically the case: www.tommys.org/pregnancy-information/pregnancy-complications/uterine-abnormality-problems-womb - it’s more that it slightly raises your risk of pre-term birth and miscarriage.

Have a look into the stats on your chances on conceiving by age too - it’s actually pretty positive between 35-39 according to the NHS, 82% of women that age will conceive within a year - www.nhs.uk/common-health-questions/pregnancy/how-long-does-it-usually-take-to-get-pregnant

You say you have other medical issues too though - can you get proper medical advice on how all this affects your chances? And maybe contact your local abortion clinic, someone there can talk it through with you? Good luck x

Some men do have more of a logistical rather than emotional response, and it seems like there's a lot going on at the moment, and the plans you have would be made considerably harder with a child in the picture. However, you need to make a choice for yourself, if you do have abortion and it isn't what you actually want, you will resent him anyway. But be prepared that you might be doing it alone, and whether that is something you would want- especially important as you say concieving might be challenging in the future.

Please do NOT have an abortion unless you are 100% sure as it may affect you for the rest of your life. Financially and logistically you will make it work, if you want to go ahead. Everyone does. It may not be ideal but you’ll find a way. I can’t stress how much I was not in an ideal situation for my first - people rarely are. You can make it work though! Don’t be bullied or pressured into an abortion. Also, 33 isn’t old at ALL in the grand scheme of things but it sounds like your partner is really wanting to take his time. If I’m really honest another big worry of mine would be what if you go ahead with an abortion when deep down you want the baby and then by the time you’d DP is ready you don’t have success conceiving? Sorry OP. I hope you figure it out

If you want a child, in your shoes I wouldn’t have an abortion at 33. But I’ve been through ivf when I couldn’t conceive naturally despite several years of trying.

Also, I want to disagree with a PP that your plan to work and support you while your DP takes care of baby is a bad idea. This is EXACTLY how my (now) DH and I made our situation work (expats too) and it worked brilliantly. But if you want to work out whether you could go it alone, maybe you can PM the other PP who is in a very similar situation to you (Canadian with British Father) who can tell you what you might be entitled to etc to help. People DO make it work alone and it sounds like she can give you advice about how she did it. At least then you won’t feel backed into a corner and have to make the decision based on money alone. Another thought is, if your mum can’t help financially could she help with childcare? There’s so many options. You have so many choices. I’d just take your time and really think it through.

I had an abortion at 21. I am now 27 and pregnant (planned) after 2.5 years of trying and was about to be referred for IVF. In your shoes, if you know you want a child in your lifetime I would think very carefully. Infertility is a bitch. Lots will day you have time, I mean people still say that to me! Usually people who have no idea what infertility is like to experience. It sounds as though you need to be prepared to be a single parent though.

You said you have medical issues which made it difficult to have a child and you want a child as well. I agree with pp that it's what you want being important. I think you should fly back to Canada and stay there with your supportive family, then do a scan and make a decision. I would not recommend making your decision based on what your boyfriend wants. Who guarantees things will work out in the end? What if he does not like Canada or he cannot find a job there？ Anything can happen in a relationship. Having a child is a beautiful thing. It's hard work but it's still the most wonderful thing in life.

Apologies if I have misread but you and your DP found out two days ago. It’s understandable that you’re not on the same page yet.

When DH and I found out we were expecting DD, we weren’t married and we were still at uni. We were both freaked out and spent a couple of months pretending it wasn’t happening. We then made the decision to abort and I had a change of heart almost immediately. It was only when we both accepted it was happening that we started getting excited about having a baby.

I would definitely advise not doing anything yet. Both of you take time to think and then talk about it later when the news is not still fresh.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Yes a private scan at the above mentioned places are not expensive. I think you can have a viability scan from 6 weeks for under £80

I wouldn’t be having an abortion at your age with the medical issues you have unless you’re happy to risk never having a baby.

This baby is a miracle. Don't give up on it. Your bf's reaction is unloving selfish and immature.

Firstly don't worry. As far as your health, go to a pharmacy or supermarket and buy pregnancy vitamins and eat good balanced meals, you will be ok. You don't need to see a dr or midwife yet, scans start at 12 weeks, so if you are going back to Canada just wait until then otherwise check what reciprocal agreement is in place for Canada and contact your boyfriends gp surgery for advice if you plan to stay for your options, there's an annual charge of £200 to use the nhs for long term visas I thought.

Only you know how much you want to be with your boyfriend, and whether you have the strength to be a single mother, nobody will judge you if you have an abortion under these circumstances, they are widely available privately. I wish you well in whatever you decide

I won't comment on your choice. You have to do what's right for you.

But a scan is nowhere near a thousand pounds. Where did you hear that? The standard first scan here takes place at 12 weeks, then there is a second scan at 20 weeks. This place is a brilliant private clinic with state of the art equipment. Their fees are here:

www.fetalmedicine.com/treatment-fees

Your situation is very similar to the position I was in this time last year (except I'm from the UK).
I got pregnant for the first time at 34. My partner, like yours really did not want the baby. I could completely see his point as his job was not secure and we felt we could struggle with money if things didn't work out for him. I'd also been using a medication that has a possibility of causing birth defects so was very worried about that. We also felt that we had not been together long enough to have fully enjoyed our time together just as a couple.
Like you, I kind of hoped for a miscarriage as it would take the decision from me. Do not think you are a horrible person for letting it cross your mind!
I work long hours with a huge daily commute and knew that without his support I couldn't have the baby and bring it up as I wanted to. He wouldn't have withdrawn support but if I'd kept the baby I'd have ended the relationship as I couldn't be with someone who resented the baby.
I convinced myself that he was just being horrible and I'd hate him forever if I had an abortion. My mum pointed out that he was just as upset as I was and he deserved to have his opinion listened to as he'd been a fantastic partner up to that point.

I let it drag on until I was almost 12wks as I just couldn't make a decision. I eventually went in for an abortion but was in a complete state. The nurse was excellent and talked it through with me. I went through with it and the actual process was horrible - if you decide to abort, please don't leave it as late as I did. The foetus turned out to be perfectly formed but may have had organ issues, I guess we'll never know. My mum is convinced I'd have miscarried anyway as I started bleeding heavily as soon as I took the first tablet which is unusual.

I'll admit I was devastated at what I'd done after the procedure. I was very upset for a few weeks, took it out on my partner constantly. Told him I hated him and he was a heartless bastard. Said I wasn't sure if I even loved him anymore. He took it all well but afterwards admitted he didn't think we'd make it through as he thought I really did hate him. As soon as my hormones settled, I was fine. Things went back to normal surprisingly easily and I soon stopped thinking about what happened.

7mths after the abortion, we went on holiday and I ended up pregnant again. My partner was surprised but had a completely different reaction to what I expected. He felt that his job was now secure (he passed his probation and exams for promotion), his wage had increased and he'd decided he wanted to sell his house and live with me permanently rather than part-time. I was less sure it was the right thing and I'll admit I don't feel the same way about the baby as I did the first - I don't feel protective of it at all which is the opposite of the first time. This may be because I still don't feel pregnant as I have no symptoms and we had months of worried that I'd caught Zika virus on holiday (nhs were shockingly bad at dealing with it) so there could be terrible birth defects to deal with.

Please don't be too worried about fertility at 33 - the research I read when I was first pregnant showed that a lot of women assume they have lower fertility when they've been using contraception for years. They've never actually given themselves chance to get pregnant before so have no real clue as to how fertile they may be. I assumed I'd never get pregnant again but the next time we had an accident with contraception I fell pregnant immediately. The worry of not being able to conceive again definitely affected my decision on the abortion, so just keep in mind that you would most likely conceive again fairly easily.

Sorry for the huge essay but I hope it helps. I couldn't find anyone with similar circumstances to me when I was going through it and ended up with a ton of abuse on here telling me I was evil for wanting to abort and that my partner was a twat.