Routine versus going with the flow: what worked for you?

[neuroticlady]

I'm 4 months pg with first bub and have just read two baby books that couldn't be at more opposite ends of the spectrum. One is The Contented Little Baby Book by Gina Ford - all about structure, routine, controlled crying, getting your life back, and the other, Three in a Bed by Deborah Jackson is all about the benefits of co-sleeping with your baby, feeding on demand, going with the flow, being relaxed. These two books were recommended to me by two mums with very different parenting styles, obviously!

TBH I can see benefits and disadvantages to both. I love the idea of co-sleeping with bub, not having to get up to to do feed in the night and being all relaxed about it - that book was a real eye-opener - but being naturally a bit of a control freak I also like the idea of getting a routine established. And it also seems like it's more the 'norm'. Anyway if anyone has done the co-sleeping thing or followed the Contented Little Baby routine I'd love to hear how it went. Is it possible to know how you want to do it before the baby comes along? Or do you have to wait to see what kind of a parent you turn out to be and what your baby is like..?

Hi Neuroticlady. I did a mix of both - I fed on demand but tried to get a sleep routine going (after a couple of months - before that I just let DD dictate what happened).

Some people love Gina Ford, others think she's too strict. I personally couldn't do controlled crying or not feed on demand, but other mums say it's really helped them.

Probably the way you'll go will depend on both your parenting style and your baby.

Hi neuroticlady

First of all, congratulations!

I think what you'll find is that very few parents go completely for one or other end of the spectrum, and the vast majority cherry pick the bits that suit them from a wide range of approaches.

My own experience: I'm quite a routine-y person in general, but I'm very uncomfortable at the idea of imposing a routine on a little baby.

I'm especially sceptical about feeding routines, because a newborn baby is used to being fed continously in the womb and it seems intuitively right to me that they should want to feed very often while their body adjusts to life outside. Also, I believe that they know when they need feeding better than anyone else.

So despite being a reasonably organised person who likes the calmness of routine, it felt right to "go with the flow" with small babies.

Where you really can benefit from routine is in the non-baby stuff, and this is something you can plan ahead before baby is born.

Things like:

• a system in place for meal planning, food shopping, cooking, having plenty of quickly-available snacks in the early days.
• a good laundry routine, so you can quickly process the unbelievable amount of laundry that a tiny baby generates
• get your admin sorted so you don't have to rely on a non-existent memory to pay bills etc
• declutter the house so you can get by on minimal housework

... that sort of thing. My feeling is that good routines in those areas are great because you can operate on auto-pilot when tired, you don't waste time, and, most importantly, you can focus on the baby.

With baby - I think it's very much a "wait and see" thing - there are so many variables. But it's good to read around and get lots of ideas so you're not re-inventing the wheel when the baby is born.

Eek, an essay, sorry for rambling!

I was the same as arfishy, I fed on demand but after a few weeks set a bedtime for him.
Worked well for me and LO!!

Congratulations neuro. I had exactly the same thoughts when pg with ds1. I didn't like the harshness of the GF routines but am too organised a person to just go with the flow. In the end I aimed for a structure to the day (and night) based loosley on GF, picking the one that best suited DS at the time which wasn't always the one she recomended for his age, think we were always about 3 months ahead.

Feeding - I couldn't bf so it was easier to work with DS towards a regular feeding pattern, took about 4 weeks. To me thats the key, work with your bub towards establishing your structure/routine. As bubs get bigger they do need to develop a regular feeding pattern but I don't think its something you can just impose specially when they're tiny.

Sleeping - coslept for the first month, then moved him to a crib by the bed then gradually into his own cot at 3 months as we seemed to be disturbing him! I was always very strict about bedtimes (head upstairs at 6pm) and never never brought him back down again after that. Result - he's now 3 a brill sleeper, lvoes playing in his room and despite all efforts wants to go to bed at 6 yet sleeps in til 7. Regular nap times were also important. I was never a clock watcher but I never let him sleep after about 4pm as it made him difficult to settle at bedtime and I never let him sleep longer than an hour an a half in the day for the same reason.

To me the key was figuring it out with DS as we went along. I'm pg with DS2 now and we'll try the same approach but thats not to say it will suit him in the same way and thats OK too.

Sorry for the essay but I wish someone had said all this to me. Good luck and above all else enjoy your baby

We just went with the flow, following my own (and DHs) instinct. A strict routine wouldn't have worked for us or for DD.

Our ds was a colicky, screamer who settled down and thrived once we'd introduced a routine.

Gina Ford is a good starting point to know what you could do but remember she hasn't actually had any children so it is very easy to point out what she feels others are doing wrong. You have the emotional attatchment, you have the instinct and you are the mummy who can never be as detatched as GF.

The baby whisperer was a much calmer approach and I found her much more helpful with realistic advice.

I am pgt with ds2 atm and know that he will have to conform to the routine we already have as ds1 goes to school in sept so breakfast, school runs, tea times will pretty much dictate.

When your lo is small, go with what you are comfortable with demand feeding or routine. Wait and see what sort of mummy you are and this can be completely different from the person you are now!

After 3 and trying both with first 2, I can honestly say that for me the first 10 weeks were definately go with the flow - give up on all else. At about 10 weeks, the bubs suddenly seemed to be aware of lots of things and I suspected that they know alot momre than they let on - they look at you with those eyes as if to say 'and you think you're in charge??!!' At that point I went alot more with routine, (although I still demand fed until weaning was well established) for sleeps etc and it really helped the sanity levels and my dh appreciated it too! Good luckxx

My mum always said I needed more of a routine with DD1, but I think we had a routine, it was just a very relaxed one
We didn't have to be up at a certain time so we didn't get up til we woke, which some days after her 7 am feed was 11. Which was great.

You can never prepare that much for the routine you will end up with as you have no idea what it will be like, or what your baby will be like.

I love Dr Sears and loads of what he writes is what worked for us. www.askdrsears.com/ he's at the other end from GF, he has 8 children and is a pediatrician as well. I have 3 children and going with the flow is what suits us. I co-sleep with ds2 still (7 months), breastfeed so it's easy at night, never leave to cry, always pick up and hold and did as a baby etc. I am very much an attachment parent in my style of parenting.

I initially tried Gina Ford for 2 days but it was just awful so I stopped - I moved onto the Baby Whisperer EASY routine which is a 3-hourly routine for very young babies - DS was bottlefed which (I think) does make it easier to space the feeds out. I found this much more flexible - I structured the feeds and just let everything else happen whenever it happened.

I generally fed every 3 hours (although obviously I would feed him earlier if he wanted it) but let naps etc happen whenever. We were always strict about the bedtime routine though - had a bath at the same time every night leading up to his last bottle at 7pm - but then we would let him fall asleep on us whenever and had the Moses basket downstairs with us until we went to bed - once he outgrew that, we started to put him to sleep in his crib etc - so I think the most important thing is to realise that routines change and develop all the time along with the baby.

But, things do change when you have a baby - so it probably is a good idea to wait and see how you feel after the birth.

With dc1 I tried going with the flow for about 4 weeks and hated it. I couldn't relax because I didn't know when he would need to be fed (bit of a control freak) I bf which I struggled with and don't like doing in public so I stayed at home a lot. I moved onto Gina and liked it much more and he seemed to thrive on it.
With dc2 I 'did' Gina straight away. However what lots of people don't seem to know (including the 'Who are you to tell us what to do' programme')is Gina suggests feeding every 3 hrs between 6am and midnight for the 1st 2 weeks rather than going straight into the routine. Her book is really badly laid out and this is just a couple of sentences buried somewhere. I did this for 3 weeks before starting the routine and found bf much easier as I established a much better milk supply than I did with dc1.
I think the thing to remember with routines is they have to be addapted to the child and the circumstances. People will assume that you don't have the sense to do this.
If you tell people that you are folllowing Gina they will assume that you leave your baby crying for ages, don't feed them when they're hungary and never play with them or give them cuddles. This is of course no more true than saying that all parents who don't establish a routine are hippy lazy and allow their children to fall asleep,fully dressed, on the living room floor at midnight.

IMO you can cherry pick good advice and when your baby comes you will quickly relise if you want to do a strict routine, a loose routine or no routine at all.

go with the flow

at around the 3 month mark or so, get a little routine going, kind of Gina Ford-esque

newborns cannot read and are not aware that they need to feed at 7am and then sleep at 9.07am precisely

do not leave a newborn to cry EVER. They cry because they want a feed/change/cuddle/whatever

we followed the baby whisperer too which had some great advice - I bf on demand and went with the flow for the first 6 weeks except at bed time where ds always had bath at same time (more for me to get into routine than him!) and he slept in moses basket upstairs after that we did EASY (all in book) and a 3 hour feeding routine, ds is a fab sleeper and I bf exclusively so think you can do both (all other mums I know blame bf for bad sleeping habits)

I'm a kind of control freak type person too and found the rountine helped me because it made me more confident I knew what was going to happen next and what we could realistically do in a day ie best time to go to baby groups etc without it being a manic rush

Since ds started with childminder I have lost all 'control' over his daytime routine but the night time one remains which means at 7pm he is asleep and dh and I get evening together (or I can crash in bed early), I'd really recommend that part if nothing else, I hate the controlled crying method and we've never had to use it because ds knew what was going on

main thing is read what you want to now while you have time and pick the bits you like!

i had a routine from day one, since my dt's were in hosp for 8 weeks they had put them into a 4 hourly feed routine.

The routine helped with being able to plan round them, also it helped iron out inconstancies with when they wanted to feed (you are getting it at 12, and that is that!).

it helped me stay sane, but i must admit it also made me quite uptight if i had to step outside the routine at all (i.e. going somewhere new, visiting rellies, going on holiday). In that respect looking back, i wish i had been more relaxedm but with twins i didn;t see any way round it really. I probably have my routine to thank for 2 very good sleepers, so for that I am grateful.

If I had another i would be way more relaxed in the early weeks and let baby lead for a while - my sister has a 3 month old and never bothered with a routine initially, so she did have weeks of very restless nights as little man didn't know day from night. As soon as she brought in bath bottle bed it all came together. As long as you know bedtime is going to be painless and they pretty much sleep through, the day can do what it wants!

go with the flow
once you recognise your LO's cues for hunger and sleep you will not go far wrong
also, the first few weeks are tough so do whatever you can to get through them (use a sling/swaddle/co-sleep if you want)
i think it is only as a baby gets older you can even think about a routine

with dd1 - a very restless baby (and child!) went with the flow,co-sleeping- didn't work at all, got into more of a routine (GF)around 6 mths, and worked very well, started sleeping the night. With dd2 - very laid back baby (and child) did a relaxed routine after about 5 wks and worked fine. I think she started sleeping the night around 3 months.
I wouldn't describe myself as a control freak exactly, but for us, and especially for my first daughter, having a routine was a godsend.

i think the killer is expecting too much of yourself. You will not get ALL the washing done, house clean, dinner cooked, baby fed, baby dressed in a day. If you just except things are gonna slip a bit to start with then it's a lot easier not to stress that baby needs feeding again even though it was only an hour since the last one and you were in the middle of making the bed.

Get DH to sit down with you pre-birth too and tell him what he will need to do post-birth (some men need telling else they expect things to stay the same), and don't start getting all "he works all day, i can't expect him to....." you can expect him to, and he should do.

Oh and another tip if you are a bit of a control freak, my ONE thing i did everyday was get up and shower before 9. Nothing got in the way of that - if i was clean and dressed i felt more able to cope.

I could have written wellimums post! My experience is the same.

As soon as I realised that I could not do everything as I used to things got easier and I actually seemed to have more time by going with the flow.

A supportive DH is always helpful too!

Remember every baby is different even from day one so ignore anyone who tells you they are doing it better in anyway. You will know if things are right or not. If not tweak it a bit.

My DD put herself into a routine of sorts by about 3m. Probably earlier but I just did not know her well enough to recognise some very subtle signs. It is a learning process for you both so do what you feel is right, a Mothers instict becomes very strong - even if you don't recognise that is what it is!

This is so interesting! Thank you. Consensus seems to be forget routine to start with, worry about it a few weeks/months into it. I can live with that! As a first time mum I obviously have no experience to go on and all I can gauge is my reaction to reading those two books. With Gina's I must admit to feeling slightly stressed and panicky as I read it, like 'my god I'll feel like such a failure if I'm 15 mins late with the schedule and not feeding for the minutes she states'. Whereas with Three in a Bed as I read it I felt relaxed and like it was giving me confidence that I could do this as it all seems very unstructured and 'natural'. I think the advice to control the aspects I can eg cooking, cleaning, laundry is great, and to sit DH down and get him to realise he'll have to take most of that on (I will give him a fine-point list so he has no excuses...)as yes I suspect otherwise he'll think I'm superwoman and I'll be capable of doing it all I'll check out the baby whisperer. Is it a book, or a website, or both? Yours ignorantly...

I totally went with the flow with DD until she was about 4/5 months adn then she started to fall into a routine by herself. She has a definite bedtime routine now (she is 2) but most other stuff we just coast along with. I am demand feeding DS now, he is 11 weeks old and is starting to settle for his night sleep at around the same time each night, so again he is producing his own routine. We will gradually nudge his sleeping time to suit us over time.
I did read Gina Ford when pregnant but honestly found it too regimeted for my liking - all this "At 7.05 am baby must be awake in cot and you must be drinking a glass of water and expressing milk" malarky just doesn't work for me - I'm more of a follow your instinct person.

At the end of the day when your baby arrives you will soon work out what works for you. If you start out trying a routine and it doesn't feel right, there is no law that says you can't change your mind! (and vice versa too, it is never too late to begin a routine)

i found gina ford too harsh - in the end i bought a book called The Baby Book - How to enjoy Year One by Rachel Waddilove (gwneth paltorws maternity nurse) and it was perfect for me.

she advocates a loose flexible routine, so i used her guidelines as to when i should be aiming to feed, bath, nap etc and it's worked perfectly as it's flexible enough to have a life. I also used the Baby Whisperer to understand his body language and sleep aid as i didn't want to CIO or control crying. Consquently he's a happy, chilled baby who sleeps well (but still doing 1-2 night feeds LOL !!!)

however, as ds is bf, he does dip in and out of the routine, so there is also an element of going with the flow. I found these books useful for showing me what to do and aim for as a first time mum !!!

pl;us of course tons of advice from MNetters when i panicked about growth spurts and sleep being up the spout !

PS agree with the shower comment - ds goes back to bed at 8am for an hour and a half, alwas has done - shower, breakfast and tidy up and we're set for the day ! unless i'm shagged and have to go back to bed of course

At first, I went with the flo and I felt this never worked that well because when DD cried it was hard to tell what she wanted (and I'd end up going through each thing until I found that it was) after about 8 weeks of that, I set her on a routine using the Baby Whisperer and, although it takes a week or so to implement, it made a huge difference. DD was a very happy baby and started sleeping through the night from 12 weeks (and I mean to bed at 7pm, dreamfeed at 11pm and then she slept til 6 the next morning)

This made for a happy mummy and daddy too!

I am 5 months pregant with no2 and will use the baby whisperer routine right from day 1.

I think a baby needs it's parents to teach it when to sleep etc and in my experience, babies love knowing what's coming next. Some people may not think it fair to put a newborn in a routine but I do, as long as it's a gentle routine that just encourages the baby to do what you want it to.

I have never done the CC method and would never, but have never needed to. I read the Gina Ford book and some things like putting babies to sleep in a dark room is good common sense, but overall, it was way too regimented for me and DD.

I am a go with the flow sort of person who likes some structure

I have always gone for the basic principles of attachment parenting, also found Your baby an child by P. Leach very useful to understand my baby. fully aware a lot of people don't like her tome.
also the no cry sleep solution was hugely useful.

I decided to have a sort of loose routine at bedtime (after 8wks) of bath bedroom feed bed and never get baby out of bedroom until morning.

it worked well for us. she is a very adaptable child, easy to travel with easy to adapt tp change.

but then again you will find your feet, make your choices and it will be fine
best wishes