Routine versus going with the flow: what worked for you?

[neuroticlady]

I'm 4 months pg with first bub and have just read two baby books that couldn't be at more opposite ends of the spectrum. One is The Contented Little Baby Book by Gina Ford - all about structure, routine, controlled crying, getting your life back, and the other, Three in a Bed by Deborah Jackson is all about the benefits of co-sleeping with your baby, feeding on demand, going with the flow, being relaxed. These two books were recommended to me by two mums with very different parenting styles, obviously!

TBH I can see benefits and disadvantages to both. I love the idea of co-sleeping with bub, not having to get up to to do feed in the night and being all relaxed about it - that book was a real eye-opener - but being naturally a bit of a control freak I also like the idea of getting a routine established. And it also seems like it's more the 'norm'. Anyway if anyone has done the co-sleeping thing or followed the Contented Little Baby routine I'd love to hear how it went. Is it possible to know how you want to do it before the baby comes along? Or do you have to wait to see what kind of a parent you turn out to be and what your baby is like..?

and I did co sleep btw quite like 3in a bed too

thats not to say there were not stressful bits, tiredness often gets the better of you in those first few weeks.

wise advice further down about sorting out other aspects of your life anything to make it easier

Free and easy to begin with. Then routine, routine, routine as they get older
Babies, children like to know where they are and what's happening next. Routine (with some flexibility) is crucial IMO.
Hope this help and congrats on your future baba

neuroticlady fwiw my ds was easy as pie for the first 2 weeks.

then on day 20 he decided he Would Not Be Put Down. Ever. No matter how long he'd been asleep in my arms putting him down woke him up crying. It was a real accomplishment the day he went 11 minutes in his bouncy chair!

I had quite a few meltdowns with lovely MNers telling me to get a grip, it wouldn't last, and they were quite right, it hasn't - he now insists on being put down for his naps. He knows what he wants and when he wants it, and nothing I could do or say would convince him otherwise. (we have just had a 2-week nursing strike, as proof of his will!) I just don't bother about any housework other than cooking and laundry. Because in the end I'd rather have the time with him or go out.

Now he is 18weeks he is settling into his own routines. They are fairly odd - his 3-hr morning nap raises a few mums' eyebrows - but it works for him.

So for me, going with the flow was the only choice - much as I raged against it in the early days.

It's been a good thing for me as a card-carrying control freak to learn.

phdlife LOL at he Would Not Be Put Down. Very glad to hear it didn't last. I will hang on to such pearls of wisdom when I'm having my own meltdown... are you glad to hear I'm thinking positive!

Thanks to all for congrats and advice. It's fascinating. I've had two friends describe the Gina Ford book as their 'bible' and to me it's quite reassuring to hear lots of you say you thought she is too full on. It's how it read to me - though I know that's hardly the same as practical hands-on experience. I'll tell you how I'm going in five or six months! I have a feeling you'll be hearing a lot from me...

come find us in the tea-shop, neuroticlady. they are very good for dispensing pearls, pats on the back, etc.

I agree with many of the posters here about cherry picking the bits you like and suit you from any books you read....i think this really means that you go with the flow pretty much as some things will strike a chord more than others.

I read the GF nad the baby whisperer books before ds was born and actually thought the written advice given in both was actually broadly similar. The actual timed routines given at the back of GF were over the top i thought and bloody scary to read but the text was sensible in parts...to me things like feeding at least every 3 hours in the day so that baby had a stretch of longer sleep at night seemed reasonable...i think this was basically what BW said too. Also about having a bed time and treating night as night so keeping room dim etc but i imagine this is just common sense anyway...who wants the lights full on at 3 am anyway!!?

Personally i found that DS would have lots of little feeds from 5-7 ish and though this didnt fit with the rigid timetable seemed to me that it was him stocking up for the night so i went with the flow on that.

I also struggled a bit with BF and expressing daily (again as broadly per GF but not strict on times etc) and giving EBM at this evening time was a really sanity saver and meant i perceviered with the BF longer than i probably would have done otherwise.

I think a lot depends on the individual personality of your baby, i was lucky that ds has always been a fast feeder and would settle to sleep fairly easily after night feeds but i thnk this is just how he was rather than what i did IYSWIM.

I reckon the best thing is to go with the flow with what feels right for you but have in the back of your mind about establishing a broad structure to your day rather than a strict routine.

Also go outside...even if just a walk round the corner that takes you 2 hours to prepare for..you always feel better in yourself for some fresh air!!

I was very much along the Deborah Jackson lines of co sleeping and lots of holding before I had ds. Then wasn't in great form after the birth so my mum kind of took a bit of control which I feel was probably a blessing in disguise. He went straight in the moses basket - which was in the living room in the day and then we would move it when we went to bed. I actually felt nervous about cosleeping as he was so tiny and I felt so tired.

Other than that I went with the flow for about 6 weeks and demand fed as and when. The only thing we did was bath him at 7ish. He would 'go to bed' after cluster feeding all evening at about 9ish and would wake at 12, then 3 then 7. He was also a bit of a day time insomniac as well.

At 6 weeks I read The Baby Whisperer and kind of followed her routine of feeding every three hours as ds was overfeeding and being sick a lot and was pretty much attached to my boob all day. I introduced a dummy in between meals which I was reluctant to do but I now feel has been a godsend and has also helped him nap in the day!

He has kind of got himself into a routine from this - wakes up every morning at 7.00 and has a poo! Typical man! And we go from there. Sleeps from 9-10.00 and then from 12 -2 and then 4-5 which is GF times almost. But, I'm not rigid with nap times.

Now it's great. I know where I am. I know when he needs feeding. I know when he's tired as I feel I've learnt to distinguish between the cries.

"Free and easy to begin with. Then routine, routine, routine as they get older
Babies, children like to know where they are and what's happening next. Routine (with some flexibility) is crucial IMO." -Fantastic advice from Stressteddy - totally agree with you. Also with the posters who say get yourself up and showered first thing - you'll feel much more in control (even if you're not!) That was my mum's top tip to me before my first baby was born - get yourself ready first thing or you'll never get round to it (and that still holds true for me now the dcs are 6 and 4!)

Routine is the only way to go. Not so much in the early days but becomming stricter with timescales etc. Sows the seed for the rest of their childhood. Bath bottle bed. They love routine and it helped me to keep in control too.

routine for you as early as possible as will make you feel human. Be available "but boring" at night to encourage night time sleeping. Otherise allow dc to sleep, feed when and where she wants. At some point bring in night time routine. (bath, cuddle, feed bed) After 6 months or so routine for dc will appear as well.

noticed that when people say routine they really mean putting dc down to sleep when tired rather than her falling asleep in a sling or your arms. If you want your own space might be a good thing to learn how to do this

by routine for you i meant you to have breakfast lunch and supper, showers in morning, do washing and shoppng etc at regular times

Yes, an older female relative said to me when dd1 was a couple of weeks old "the best thing you can do for her is to teach her to fall asleep by herself" I did, it worked out eventually and i have reaped the reward ever since! Its marvellous, just pop them down awake and they went to sleep (after several weeks of hard work training them), whereas some friends had to spend several hours day and night rocking their dc to sleep in their arms when their backs where braking.

Yes, and do be boring at night. No lights (or dimmed as much as possible) no load noises or cooing or over cuddling. Just do whatever needs to be done without letting them think they may be able to play. Is also marvellous advice! My 2 are now 6&4 and they know full well they are not allowed out of their rooms after they have been put to bed - is nothing ive said its just the rule i set when they where tiny and stuck to it and they know it. dd2 didnt ever even dare try to get out her first bed when she moved out of her cot. She just knew that there was no point!

Went with the flow but got in such a stew about it all as well. Co-slept with DS for the first 20 weeks of his life (which I loved doing) and just fed when he needed it. Really wish I had been successful with breastfeeding but got too strssy about it all - so maybe some routine would have helped. Couldn't cope with anything at the time though.

Thank you, thank you everyone - am feeling much better for reading all your replies. Am going to print this lot off and keep it for when the time comes...

IncognitoHV I am such an 'in a stew' person anyway - I mean I don't even have the baby yet and I'm getting in a lather about how best to look after it - so totally sympathize.

A mix of routine/getting them sleeping well/knowing when it's bedtime along with going with the flow to start with seems to be the order of the day.

Am definitely going to check out baby whisperer. Bookshelves are already groaning but I can make space for more..!

I did GF from day one, and it worked really well for me. I agree with the poster who said the book is badly laid out. Ireadthe book 3 times and made an excel spreadsheet to try and understand what she was saying. She really isn't as strict as made out (if you read carefully enough). I did every 2 hour feeds for first 2 days, then 3 hour feeds for the rest of the first two weeks, then started the proper routine.

DS fell naturally into her routine without much difficulty. Slept more than her routine asked for, but I let him sleep and followed the rest of the routine (you are supposed to adapt the routine around the baby's needs, not slavishly follow them, which is mistakenly thought). By 6 weeks, he was sleeping from 11-7am, and by 3 months, he was doing 7-7 without a problem.

There wasn't any controlled crying, per se. He did get up at 4-5 and cried for about 2 minutes, and fell back asleep. I knew from his cry (more of a sleepy mumble ) that it wasn't a real cry. Had he really cried, I would have gone in to see what he wanted.

If I was out, we continued to follow the routine, he just slept in his pram with a blanket to block out light (worked for both lunch and dinner (on holidays).

Do what you feel fits your baby and youself. I think you need to feel comfortable for anything to work. GF worked for me, but I feel lost without a structure and organization )funny as I was brought up without any routine or schedule, and completely demand fed!)

You won't know what you want to do until you know what kind of a baby you have. We didn't want to co-sleep (Dh has wide shoulders - not much room!) but DD wouldn't sleep in her moses basket for weeks so she was in bed with us for a while. Gradually I got her into a Baby Whisperer sort of routine and that helped me a lot. I agree with everyone who says routines get more important the older they get. I realise it can be quite a bind having to be at home every lunchtime/early afternoon for her nap but boy, am I glad I get those two hours to myself every day (especially now I am pregnant again!).

Routine! I am such a control freak so a routine suits me (and ds) down to the ground, although we are much more relaxed about it all now.

I went with the flow for the 1st 8 weeks or so, and was thoroughly miserable, which was no good for me, ds, or anyone around us. Well-meaning relatives and friends told me continuously that I was doing the right thing, that GF was wrong and evil etc, and I was too tired, stressed etc to question it.

In desperation (I was seriously losing the plot) I started the routine thing, and and it was like a cloud had been lifted. I started enjoying having ds, and he started sleeping.

I'm planning to try more of a routine with dc2 from day 1, but it might depend on how he/she feels about that.

Hello neuroticlady. I think that being pregnant and having such a wealth of information can be really overwhelming. I was freaking out when I was in your position! Do not have any preconceived ideas of the perfect way to do things when your bub arrives. It is not about perfection, you just give it your best shot! Once bub is born, I'm sure everyone will have their own suggestions and thoughts abbout the way to do it. Even more confusing!! Looking back with the benefit of hindsite, I think for the first three months....relax and go with the flow a bit! After this, your bub might start to develop a bit of a routine and that is where, if I had my time again, I would start following more of a routine.

Good luck and enjoy your new born. I think I forgot how to do this especially with no. 1. I was too hung up on ways to do it!

I really wanted to go with the flow but bloody ds2 carved his own routine.
So I now go with his flow...

Know what you mean Piffle. I juggled two and that was tricky enough!

The evening routine (tea,bath,milk,bed) has saved our sanity, it did take a while to establish but its soooo worth it!!! In bed by 7pm most nights

Rachel Waddiloves book 'How To Enjoy Year One' seems to fall between GF and the 'Baby whisperer' and i would highly recommend it.

I think to most important thing is not to pressure yourself and baby for the first few weeks and do what makes you happy..

Best of luck

Chuck the books away!!!!!!!!!

I personally am a fan of routine but not as strict as Gina Ford where you have no life (IMO).

DS is 7 months old. The only thing I really stick rigidly to is his feed times, naps vary and bed time is always the same.

Find your own path. What works for one definately doesn't work for another. I can't think of anything worse than co-sleeping but it works for some.

Try to enjoy as much as you can without stressing x

I tried GF with dd, but dd didn't wish to be GF'd. I think if you are a 'stressy' kind of person (I am!) then GF will probably make you worse. Ds was premature and came home from NICU in a 3-hrly routine which was wierd but nice. Next baby is going to have a routine imposed on it by the school run!

Being at home with a small baby, when you only have that baby to look after, and the baby can sleep in a pram and only needs milk, is such a lovely time to be free and go out and just not be constrained by the clock. Later when you have one child at school and one at half-day nursery school and requiring a nap in his bed after lunch if he isn't to be unbearable cranky later, then is the time for watching the clock and squeezing outings in between-times!

The main thing to do is get to know your baby and discover between you what kind of parent you are. The big problem with parenting books is if you end up feeling that you have to do what they say, and that you have failed if you don't (GF particularly can have this effect). Books are there to give you ideas to test out.

My top bits of advice

• a newborn that has been awake for 2 hours is probably quite ready for a sleep
• babies don't necessarily just go to sleep when they are tired - you have to help them! (that was a revelation)
• crying babies are often soothed by the noise of the shower - so have your shower anyway
• have fun

All of my kids (2ds's and 1dd) were given the first three months to do with as they plesaed.

The only thing during this time I did which could count towards a routine was a bath and bottle at the same time each day.

At 12 weeks I started including a consistent bedtime in their cot and put in place structured naps in the day.

I don't follow a routine to the letter but do follow a couple of cardinal rules.

No napping after 5pm.
Try to encourage a good long sleep at lunchtime - a few months/1 year down the line, it's a godsend if your child is in the good habit of having a 2/3 hour nap in the middle of the day.
Bath, feed and bed at the same time each day (where possible).

DS1 slept through the night from 11 weeks, DS2 was a rubbish sleeper (had silent reflux), he didn't sleep through the night until he was nearly 9 months old.
DD has slept through the night (for the most part) since she was 10 weeks old.

HTH

i had no routine with dd1 and she was a bloody nightmare at bed time. with dd2 i did from day one and yes shes what you would call a very 'well behaved' toddler but you know when you like to snuggle up on the sofa while they have a nap? cant do that, as shes never been allowed to fall asleep on peoples knees (she was always put to bed at nap times) thats the only place she can go to sleep. its only know that i think i might have been a bit to tight with it. saying that though dc 3 will be having a routine from day 1 as well as i found it so much easier.