Routine versus going with the flow: what worked for you?

[neuroticlady]

I'm 4 months pg with first bub and have just read two baby books that couldn't be at more opposite ends of the spectrum. One is The Contented Little Baby Book by Gina Ford - all about structure, routine, controlled crying, getting your life back, and the other, Three in a Bed by Deborah Jackson is all about the benefits of co-sleeping with your baby, feeding on demand, going with the flow, being relaxed. These two books were recommended to me by two mums with very different parenting styles, obviously!

TBH I can see benefits and disadvantages to both. I love the idea of co-sleeping with bub, not having to get up to to do feed in the night and being all relaxed about it - that book was a real eye-opener - but being naturally a bit of a control freak I also like the idea of getting a routine established. And it also seems like it's more the 'norm'. Anyway if anyone has done the co-sleeping thing or followed the Contented Little Baby routine I'd love to hear how it went. Is it possible to know how you want to do it before the baby comes along? Or do you have to wait to see what kind of a parent you turn out to be and what your baby is like..?

I went with the flow Deborah Jackson-style for the first 5/6 months, but I made sure I never put on bright lights, TV or radio during night feeds and changes, so that DD would sense the difference between night and day routines. I couldn't stomach the rigid routine books, and controlled crying never worked for DD (we're talking marathon screaming sessions, zero sleep for parents as wel as for kid), but I've been pretty strict about a bedtime routine since DD was 9/10 months old: bath, book, drink, song, bed. 4 years on, the routine has held, with adjustments, of course, and it is very, very helpful.
This being said, I don't really have a life !

I think what everyone is saying is- do what feels right for you. That sounds really banal and stating the obvious but it can be hard to hold on to when you are faced with a new baby and you have no experience and no idea of what you are doing. Just looking at this thread you can see that what works for different people (and same people with different babies!) varies and the happiest outcomes when you just pick the bits that feel right. There is no objective right way or wrong way. As you point out, people will advocate opposite ends of the spectrum and you could easily end up feeling guilty what ever you do. You are worried about this because you want to be a good mum, and because of that you will be a good mum, whatever approach you find suits you and the baby.

I have no life either but couldn't cope with the rigid routines of Gina et al. I think being a small baby in a confusing world is stressful enough without imposing more stress from the outside. I actually just always let my baby do more or less what she wants with respect to naps etc and she has sorted herself out into a very good little routine where she has a long (1.5 to 2 hr) nap in the morning and another shorter nap in the afternoon. She's nearly a year old now. The early days were pretty tough as she would only ever nap for 45 minutes at a time and you can hardly feed yourself in that time never mind have a bath as well.

I thought I'd be really all about the routine and strict about naps etc but in the end I discovered that I'm not that kind of mum at all and was much happier letting my daughter do what she wanted within reason.

I read Gina Ford and though did not follow 100% (wake up,shower, open curtains) I did use her feeding plans and had bath and bed routine.

I started straight away and my dd was always very contented.

I took her for her 3 year booster today and was browsing through her health book at her notes (I am pg again so was curious about what she was doing and when) and she was sleeping from 11pm to 5 am at two weeks and till 6.30am from 4 weeks.

Shes in bed by 7.30 every night (was 7 but extended it now shes older) and has always slept through

I am a control freak and could not have managed without some routine and structure though I appreciate its not for everyone

Good luck.you will be fine.Enjoy!!

Take all the books and throw them out the window. You will not find a 'solution' in a book. Have a good look at yourself and try to figure out if you are a go with the u flow person or not. If so, to what extent, as if you are very relaxed a routine might drive you nutty, and if you are a control freak the non routine thing will make you feel way out of control. Having said that, if you are bf it is difficult to get a routine happening as you have no idea how much baby takes at each feed. Don't stress about routine or not routine. Personally we took the lead from our baby and he developed his own loose routine eventually. By 6 weeks we had some idea of when he might be hungry, what signs to look for when he is tired etc. At the end of the day, its all just common sense. Our DS slept thru from about 6 weeks so a book/routine is not necessarily the way to go. Good luck!!

Hi Neurotico,

I think a mix and match approach works best for every parent and every baby. To my mind Gf was quite punitive but it works well for some. I do think BF babies need to be demand fed putting a new born creature on a feeding routine is very unnatural, you don't see animals doing it!

I was always strict with a bath, bed, bottle, thing at night and this all fell into place naturally at 3 months. kept it v dull at night, she didn't come downstairs after 8pm and everything was quiet, dark and subdued. Kept her awake a little while after each feed in the early days to show her the difference between day and night ( unless she fell asleep at the breast). Falling asleep on their own is a developmental stage most babies achieve naturally in the first 6 months, they don't need to be trained and they DO need help with it at first! ( I was thrown by this one too, the fact they don't just drop off on their own!!)Also babies learn trust in the first 6 months of life and several neurlogical connections form in the brain which develop as a result of being held, comforted and nurtured. Newborns must NEVER be left to cry!!

I sound like a bit of a zealot but it's only cos I got in a tangle over the routine thing in the early months and in my work as a child nurse therapist I've learnt a lot about what helps babies emotions and cognitions develop etc. Everyone on here is very open minded about the routine v go with the flow thing but some GF mums I've met can be quite sanctimonious about it, avoid these people if you go to parent and baby groups they can be bad for your health!!

Good luck and enjoy it, it's brilliant in the end!!

Just read your latest posts here - sorry for not responding sooner but I got so obsessed with mumsnet I got behind with my work...

Thanks so much for all your top tips, good wishes and for sharing what worked or didn't work for you. Yes, I am normally a bit of a control freak (older 1st time mum at 38, used to running my life a certain way, like to plan ahead, know what I'm doing) but what you are all teaching me is that it is impossible to plan for how you'll parent... sounds obvious and dumb I know but I've been very slow to 'get it'.

I am also learning from all your responses that it doesn't matter if I can't be as relaxed as Deborah Jackson or as strict on routine as GF; I'll be how I'll be, as will our bub. And that there are some aspects where it's good to be strict (bath, bed, bottle) and others (like BF) where you really do just have to go with it, at least for a while. I think, having read especially GF's book, I just felt a bit overwhelmed by it all. I can't quite believe I will have any kind of 'instinct' about what to do as it all sounds so hard and scientific! You're talking to someone who's never even changed a nappy .

Well, I feel like I'm learning for the biggest exam of my life; that's the only way I can put it! It would be lovely to drift through pregnancy never reading a book or stressing, but that, I'm afraid, just isn't me. Can you tell?! Your feedback has been brilliant. Thank you.

IMO all the routines in books are what most babies will fall into naturally if you go with the flow and do what they want when they want it.

However all babies are different and all days are different and there is no point getting stressed out if your baby doesn't conform exactly.

I think all these books are good for is giving you a general idea of timings of when your baby is likely to need to be fed or go to sleep which i had no idea about. If you know when your LO is likely to need fed or to go to sleep then your more likely to respond correctly when they get grizzly.

I also thought the baby whisperer was good for techniques to help them get off to sleep.

Sorry you're not your more likely

BTW - my top tip - don't listen to everyone that tells you baby will sleep through by 12 weeks. It is a fallacy, mine was 6 months before sleeping 6pm-7am. Try not to get to worked up about it (unless you are one of these really really lucky people who's LO does sleep through early.

Also, if someone says their LO 'sleeps through' - ask them what they count as sleeping through cos I guarantee you most of them will not be talking about 12 hours sold sleep no waking whatsoever.

HTH

loved GF, had a baby who slept through from week 3. Routine is GOOD! Another friend did co-sleeping etc, her DS is 15mths and won't sleep alone - great contraceptive, kinda spoils any potential for nights out though!

I found Penelope Leach's book really good, too. It is very much about listening to your baby and trying to give them what they need within the loose structure of a routine. A bit like the best of both worlds, I think.

Also, I totally agree with those who have said that it's best to just do what comes naturally for the first few weeks at least - this way, you can find out what sort of parent you are before you settle into a way of living that suits you both. I do think it's hard to tell what you'll be like before you've done it. I really thought I'd be much more hard-hearted and routine-led and in the end I've been very soft and very much about letting my daughter set the agenda. She is a happy child, with no problems putting herself to sleep, and is much less trouble than I had ever imagined would be possible! Reading lots is good, too - I think some stuff will really somehow strike a chord with you and some stuff will seem totally alien. Everything you read now, even if it seems quite wrong, will be useful when your baby gets here and you find out what s/he's like as a person.

Definitely rountine - but I'm a control freak

Gina Ford saved my sanity

going with the flow worked for us

going with the flow, definately. i only worried about 'routine' when DS was a year old and verging on sleeping through, and even then it was a loose bedtime routine.

babies don't understand routine / times / plans from my experience, they have immediate needs.