MIL is driving me mad over my pregnancy and twin babies

[Squiff70]

1. She's insisted I breastfeed for at least 6 months. I am expecting twins. She had two boys - one at a time - and insists it's my duty "because she did it". She did not - she fed one of her sons then had a gap until the other came along. Twins are a whole different ballgame. They are OUR babies and WE will decide how they are fed. I want to breastfeed, desperately, but putting pressure on me like this is stressing me out.

1. She scrutinises my body and says I'm not gaining weight. I'm 20 weeks today and have gained 4-6lbs so far. I'm a size 12-14 ish so certainly not skinny or even slim but not massive either. I had an eating disorder for 20 years, now fully recovered (as much as anyone ever can recover) but her scrutinising me like this makes me feel self-conscious.

1. She lives abroad but has come to live in the UK for a year to be here "for the birth". I don't want her there when my babies are born. It would be nice for her to come and see them shortly after (I know they are her grandchildren and she is very excited etc, I understant that) but certainly not during the birth. She keeps saying how she wants to come and live with us semi-permently when they're born so she can help. I am feeling at the moment that she want to interfere, not help, and there's a huge difference. We don't even have a spare room and I don't want anyone 'living' in our lounge!

1. Every time she seems me she immeditely puts her hand on my bump and asks how the babies are. She never asks permission to touch my stomach and never asks ME how I am.

There are other smaller things besides these but the breastfeeding one is the one which is upsetting me most. I don't know how to handle these situations at all. I don't want to keep her away from her grandchildren by any means, and am genuinely grateful for offers of help with the babies, but this is all too much. Any advice would be gratefully appreciated!

Wow. What is your partner/DH doing to address his mother's behaviour?

Your partner needs to tell MIL that she is suffocating you. He needs to explain that need some space. He needs to tell her that she will not be at the birth and will not be moving in. No negotiation. It’s not happening.
As for the feeding, tell her you will be breastfeeding but don’t wish to talk about it. If she keeps on, change the subject of leave the room. When she touches your bump, use both hands to move hers away and say “we are fine”

Your DP needs to intervene here and have strong words with your MIL. Boundaries need to be set. Now.

Your DH needs to take charge here. What has he done about her behaviour so far?

Are these your first babies OP? Please get your OH to tell her to back the fuck off. Particularly in those first few weeks, you're likely to want to spend a lot of time topless and/or half asleep and it doesn't sound like she's the kind of person you'll want around you. I didn't even want my own (wonderful) mum near me, let alone someone else's (pushy) one!

Thanks so much for the replies. I was waiting for the "you ungrateful sod, shes only tryin to help" backlash actually!

DP thinks she's right (except for the BF thing - he will support me however I think best to feed the babies). He is so loving and caring, and so is his mum, but she is suffocating me and neither of them can see it. He wants her to move in but there's NO WAY ON THIS EARTH I can cope with two babies AND his mum. With respect, and this is barely relevant I know, she doesn't speak any English nor do I speak her language and we communicate either through Google Translate or my DP/her son who translates for us.

Not my first babies no. My first children, yes. We lost twins at 19 weeks due to placental abruption in January which may partly explain why she's scrutinising everything I do.

Is her moving in a cultural thing?

@ineedaholidaynow Yes, I believe so.

Wowzers.

Right, I know you didn't ask, but if you want to bf twins get on the Breastfeeding Twins and Triplets UK Facebk page. Also look into a Medela Symphony pump (NOT Swing). You can rent them for about £35-40 pcm. They are the bollocks and the king of pumps if you want to express for twins.

Secondly multiple mums are at much higher risk of PND and other MH issues. My twins were relatively okay but still had to have an MRI after birth, 2 weeks in NICU, 7 weeks under NICU outreach team where neonat nurses visited the house every second day to weigh them, and then they got chickennpox at 5 weeks old. Also one initially failed to thrive and had to have 2 types of special suoer high cal formula as a supplement to bf.And they were uncomplicated compared to some!

I am NOT saying that to be scary but because your DH needs to know the first few weeks will be rough. It is fine, you'll get through it and it gets lots easier but the first few weeks are hard.

You do not want anyone living with you. Show him my post about my "easy" twins if it will help and ask him to imagine that plus his mum living in!!

Also OP if your twins are premie, and lots are, you may not be able to hold them much at first. Holding them tires and stresses them if they are prem. Mine were on a 3 and then a 4 hourly feed pattern and I did not pick them up except to feed or change.

If MIL were living with you, would she be trying to cuddle them every spare minute? Because if so, you wouldn't be able to leave her alone with them.

Will your DP listen to you?

If your DH is putting her feelings above yours, he isn’t being at all loving and caring to you.

I would probably explode at this point!

If dp isn't listening, then you need to go balistic. Next time it's all brought up. Both to her and to him.
Otherwise they will ride roughshod over you and you will never be listened to. Stand up now or you will be so unhappy it could be the end of the family.

@JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff (God I love your username). Firstly, I will look up the FB page you recommended, thank you. I already have depression and PTSD so I know I'm 'high risk' for getting further MH complcations and that scares me too. Another reason NOT to have the MIL stay with us, not that there' anywhere for her to stay anyway.

I also understand that many twins and multiples are early and may need a little or a lot of special care at first. I'm petrified enough of this so I don't need MIL insisting she's with us every minute of the day breathing down my neck. I am hoping to get some idea of what BFfing is like before we have too many visitors. I am not the kind of girl who wants to get my boobs out in front of visitors - only my DP and not even my own mum or dad! I'll definitely look into the Medela Symphony pump though, thanks for the tips!

@fedup21 and @Nanny0gg, yes my DP listens to me and he cares very much about my opinions and feelings. He IS loving and caring. That said, he wouldn't hear a bad word said against his mum that doesn't come from his own mouth and I don't want him to feel like a mediator beween me and his mum. I need to think carefully about a very calm and diplomatic way of conveying how much additional stress she's putting me under without him taking offence.

Oh OP

Right you really need to take care of yourself. Twin birth = more hormones, less sleep, etc. I really really don't want to frighten you, but I also had long standing MH issues and I prepped so hard mentally and honestly, I am so glad I did as I genuinely believe it saved my life. My issues are different to yours but I found hypnobirthing CDs really helped.

You need to be hard as nails on this, though. I got very used to saying to DH and HCP "no. I need this not that. Need, not want!" Because your MH is so important. You need to be strong for your babies and you do not need an extra stressor.

I would just also say, IME NHS neonatal care is amazing. Honestly, the people who go into that branch of med are just a different calibre. NICU was more tedious than scary. And they take super good care of little ones, they really do. Try not to worry.

Oh OP. You’ve had a tough time of it haven’t you? I’m sorry about your first babies

Have you mentioned any of this to your midwife? she might be able to support you in explaining to DH why having someone else in your home in those first few weeks/months could actually be really damaging.

Not sure if this is relevant to her or not, but currently, if she isn't an eu citizen coming to exercise treaty rights, she can't legally come to the Uk to live for a year...

Goodness. She sounds very suffocating.

Here is the tough love part. I think she needs to be told NOW where the boundaries are and I think you ‘need’ (urgh hate that word) to stay really firm or this is going to get worse.

Write them down if you need to and read them out to her. Do the whole ‘sh*t sandwich’ thing where you say ‘you are so thoughtful and helpful BUT...’ and use language like ‘you make me feel...’ etc.

Honestly, all this stuff is so unhelpful right now. Has she even asked if you want help?

Clear boundaries! ‘I will breastfeed if I can and I would love your support but you need to understand this is my body and my decision. Maybe you could buy me a really good double breast pump as a helpful gift?’

‘We’d love you to help AFTER the babies are born but we will also need our own space as a family and I hope you can respect that. I do it think your staying with us will help us permently but staying one or two nights a week would be helpful’

That type of thing. And if they start to argue stay calm and explain you feel they left you with no choice but to put down hard boundaries.

This is just suggestions-I don’t have to deliver this and am not in the situation. Huge hugs. It sounds hard ❤️

I don't have any advice unfortunately but I feel for you. My MIL did the touching and commenting on weight bit and that alone drove me nuts. I can only imagine how suffocated you feel. Plus I assume you will be the one on maternity leave so you would be the one dealing with MIL all the time, not your DH. It can be very frustrating being pregnant and suddenly being public property too.

Can you frame things to your DH so it focuses on you, not on your MIL e.g. I want space to figure out feeding for myself, I need it to be just us in the house so I can find my rhythm, I'm sure when the babies are here I will be grateful for help in certain ways but I don't know how yet. In terms of the weight comments I would tell DH that any chat about weight makes you feel under pressure and you are worried how that could impact your mental health. He should definitely see that he needs to nip that bit in the bud.

Good luck OP. I’m really wishing you the beat for the rest of your pregnancy, birth and beyond. It sounds like you need to have a composed yet firm word with Your DH: You and he need your space and on this occasion it’s not possible that she comes, stays and ‘helps’. You are the mother and you need to feel comfortable. Your needs (you and the babies) come first. I’m sure you’d welcome his mother once you’re settled and have a routine and are up for visitors (who come and leave in the same day. ) Regarding feeding, I would completely ignore what she’s saying. I’m PG with one baby and I hear so much of “in my day...” or “you really ought to do this and this.” I just close my ears. Unless my midwife or doctor is saying it, I couldn’t care less.

Once you’ve helped (subtly forced) your DH to understand your viewpoint, he will be able to explain to his mother and it will all be sorted. Otherwise I’m sure you can rally support from his aunties and cousins who will be able to help her understand where you’re coming from.

*best not beat

Oh you poor thing. I do sympathise in some ways - I am also expecting twins (I have seen you’re name on some other twin threads!) and have a MIL who lives a plane ride away. I’ve had some issues with them wanting to come over as soon as they are born, which is absolutely not happening. I know it’s a shame they can’t just ‘pop in’ but that’s just the way things are. They tell me I’m being ‘unfair’ as they want to come over during school holidays (she works in education) but this will be 2 weeks after I am due to have them, which I still think is far too soon for people to be staying at our home. We could even still be in the hospital for all I know.

I think you need to get DH onside ASAP and lay down some ground rules. My DH was almost acting like a ‘middle man’ not wanting to upset either party but I’ve told him in no uncertain terms that me and the twins are his priority and he needs to strap on a pair, to put it bluntly. He hasn’t quite had ‘the chat’ with her yet but he’s sowing the seeds. Visitors should be on your terms and yours only. For my immediate family we’ve already told them we won’t even know when we’ll be up to company until they have arrived, and they’ve happily accepted that!

Also on breastfeeding, just do what you can. I’ve chatted to my consultant on this and whilst it’s entirely possible she says there is absolutely no respite. As another poster has said, I’ve got my hands on a Medela pump and grabbed a twin feeding pillow - but if I manage 6 months or 6 days, I’ll still be proud of myself. It’s no one else’s business how long you BF for, nor how you choose to feed your babies.

Good luck to you!

Ugh.

I would tell him that frankly if his DM moves in with you against your wishes you will be moving out with the babies until she leaves. End of.