MIL is driving me mad over my pregnancy and twin babies

[Squiff70]

1. She's insisted I breastfeed for at least 6 months. I am expecting twins. She had two boys - one at a time - and insists it's my duty "because she did it". She did not - she fed one of her sons then had a gap until the other came along. Twins are a whole different ballgame. They are OUR babies and WE will decide how they are fed. I want to breastfeed, desperately, but putting pressure on me like this is stressing me out.

1. She scrutinises my body and says I'm not gaining weight. I'm 20 weeks today and have gained 4-6lbs so far. I'm a size 12-14 ish so certainly not skinny or even slim but not massive either. I had an eating disorder for 20 years, now fully recovered (as much as anyone ever can recover) but her scrutinising me like this makes me feel self-conscious.

1. She lives abroad but has come to live in the UK for a year to be here "for the birth". I don't want her there when my babies are born. It would be nice for her to come and see them shortly after (I know they are her grandchildren and she is very excited etc, I understant that) but certainly not during the birth. She keeps saying how she wants to come and live with us semi-permently when they're born so she can help. I am feeling at the moment that she want to interfere, not help, and there's a huge difference. We don't even have a spare room and I don't want anyone 'living' in our lounge!

1. Every time she seems me she immeditely puts her hand on my bump and asks how the babies are. She never asks permission to touch my stomach and never asks ME how I am.

There are other smaller things besides these but the breastfeeding one is the one which is upsetting me most. I don't know how to handle these situations at all. I don't want to keep her away from her grandchildren by any means, and am genuinely grateful for offers of help with the babies, but this is all too much. Any advice would be gratefully appreciated!

Thank you so much for all the replies, I appreciate them all. You're all right - she IS suffocating me and they're not even born yet. This does need to be nipped in the bud now. I don't want to totally shunt her offers of support. This is where it gets slightly complicated... my parents also live abroad and are coming over before or just after hte babies are born. I want them close by - I don't know how to parent two young babies and need guidance and support. They won't be there for the birth and they won't be staying with us either - they'll be staying in a B&B just up the road and will be on hand if/when we want them. They haven't been pushy about insisting I do this, that or the other but DP's mum thinks they're getting their feet under the table and she wants in on the action. I want my children's grandparents to see the babies not long after they're born as much as they want to see the little ones but there's a huge leap beween helping and hindering.

My MIL wants to help, of course she does, but she also wants to get in the way of what is very special, vital and sacred family bonding time between me, my DP and our two babies.

She can fuck off for the breastfeeding comment, quite frankly. I laughed it off by saying "I'll try breastfeeding until I go mad" and she smiled at that. Like one of you said, whether I manage 6 months or 6 days I'll be proud of that, knowing I tried.

My DP's mum is an EU citizen by the way, and she has got a NI number to entitle her to work in the UK so she's doing nothing wrong by living and working here.

I'd also recommend the twin breastfeeding group mentioned above (I have 1 plus twins) and breastfed them all. The group has loads of useful support (which is what you need in real life also) and advice (which in real life is often unhelpful and unwanted). Twins are great but hard work so you don't need unnecessary stress or visitors!!

I wasn't trying to imply there was anything remotely wrong with her living and/or working in the Uk as an Eu citizen. My mum is a non-Eu citizen. As much as she would have loved to come to the uk and stay with me for an extended period of time when my dd was little, she wasn't allowed to and therefor I wasn't the bad guy when I told her it wasn't possible!!!

And an NI is not what entitles someone to live and work in the uk... as long as an Eu citizen is exercising treaty rights, they can legally live here. Not exercising treaty rights? Then not legal. On a student visa that's expired but have a NI from when they could legally work? Not legal either... but I digress.

I’m sorry for what you have been through. I don’t know if anyone has spoken to you already about this, but parenting after you have had a baby or babies die is also very difficult. It’s very common to have health anxieties and PND sort of morphs with grief and bereavement. Multiple births are more likely to spend some time in NICU and that, even for a single baby, can contribute to a whole host of mental health concerns. All that is before you have an overbearing, controlling or suffocating person trying to take over. You say your DH is really supportive, which is great. He needs to know the reality of having children, especially twins, after what you have been through and the likelihood that his mother will contribute to MH concerns.

The good news is that you can feed however you like. Some women find breastfeeding twins or even triplets really straightforward whereas others find breastfeeding one baby is not for them. Whatever you want to do is the right thing.

With everything else, I think you just have to smile and say how kind it is but no/stop doing that and minimise time together.

I hope all goes well.

I breastfed my dc 1 and 2 for a year but only managed 6 months with the twins and that was with around 30% formula feeding too. It is hard work and she can mind her own business on that one!

You could be clever about this and ask your midwife to mention it casually when your DH is at an appointment with you. It's really not suitable for MIL to be living with you if you don't have anywhere for her to stay. She needs to get a hotel or B&B nearby and you need to be firm about that. It will be extremely stressful for you having her living there.

The only thing I have put my foot down about it the fact that she is not coming to stay before or after the babies are born. She is temporarily living with my DP's brother just 15-20 minutes drive away from our house, which is close enough! I won't stop her coming to see her grandchildren but we need to draw up some boundaries. Next time she goes to touch my bump I intend to take a gentle step backwards. My bump is painful at the moment and I don't want anyone touching it.

You're completely right being clear that she is not to come and stay in your house around the time of the birth.

I was emotionally blackmailed into having my own mother to stay to "help" after the birth of my dc2 (against my better judgement - I knew full well before it even happened it would be help in inverted commas). My father said she'd be heartbroken if she didn't get to help, my friends said take all the help you can get with a small toddler and baby but I knew I'd rather just DH be around and that I'd be totally fine when he went back to work and that my mother stresses me more than babies and toddlers do...

I caved to the emotional blackmail and it was even worse than I anticipated having her present in the house 24/7. It was over a decade ago and I'm not sure our relationship will ever recover from all that happened in those few weeks.

Be clear with your DH that another adult - any adult other than the two of you - living in the house while you are recovering from delivering the babies will make your life at that vulnerable time unbearable/ send you over the edge and absolutely is not an option at all.

I am not so clued up on UK drs etc .. if you have a midwife/doula/obgyn etc ask them to explain to his mum that she is pressurising you and and making you anxious ..

She needs to back off and hubby/partner needs to set boundaries ..

Cultural or not in the end they are your & partners babies and after what happened in the first pregnancy everyone just needs to take their cue from you as to how you are feeling at that point ..
I know it is the dads kids as well but majority of the pregnancy is on the mum .. her body changes and hormones are all over the place ..
everything in moderation ...

G_d forbid you have pnd and having very opinionated people around you is not going to help ..

You are not alienating her just setting boundaries which work for you ..

Good luck OP .. I have a few kids and I know what you are going through albeit a long time ago ..

Relations would not be strained if boundaries where not pushed in my situation ..

Take it from me op nip this in the bud right now i didnt and regret it now 8 years later relationships are very strained due to interfearing inlaws

Nobody has really mentioned the cultural thing or the language problem. Because in the UK, people tend not too express feelings too much, and send subtle hints instead - the MIL might not get the hints. If your bump is painful, and she knew that it hurts to be touched, she might not touch it - but just taking a step back might just tell her that you want to be distant from her - a different message altogether. What if you just say laughingly 'ouch! my bump hurts when people touch it, just one of those pregnancy things!' and THEN take a step back? yet of-course because of the language gap, spontaneous talk like this is so much harder. You seem to have spoken to her directly and laughingly about breastfeeding and she took it well - why not with the other stuff?
It's very English not to talk directly - many other cultures do. So why not say - with a laugh - 'I know I'm English, but I have this thing about not having people not sleep in my living room. Probably different than in [insert country where MIL is from], no? Can you humor me and stay by BIL and SIL instead?' Make sure she knows that she is welcome to help and to get to know her grandchildren, she might not have gotten that message.
I do feel like you are in a tough spot, OP, and it's going to take diplomacy to keep a happy family... culture and language really make a difference, so approach your MIL from her side and it should help somewhat!

I hear what you're all saying and I take on board all of your comments.

Whilst I'm on a rant about the MIL, she's also insisting that, for our son (we're having a girl and a boy), we regularly manipulate the foreskin so he doesn't end up with it being tight in later life. This has made me feel very uncomfortable - I don't know if this is normal or not and want to take advice from care professionals. She mentions it every time she sees us (to the point of banging on about it) and I don't want to mess with my son's personal bits unless I'm washing him or cleaning him during a nappy change. Sorry if this is inappropriate - I am just venting, really.

I think you need to get on top of this now, before they are here and just explain everything you have said to her in a frank but polite way. Nothing you said is unreasonable and it sounds like it is time for some boundaries to be put in place. Obviously your DP is not going to do it, so ask her for a quiet chat so you can get some things off your chest.

Wow you need to be firm about the foreskin thing... you're saying all this stuff here but what do you say in real life? Just nod along quietly? You need to stop doing that. Either say 'hmm we will consider that, thanks' or 'no I'm not comfortable with that, we won't be doing that' otherwise you are digging your own grave.

Everything I say to her is either through Google Translate or through my DP. I have said we'll seek professional advice on our son's delicate parts and my partner relayed this to her - but I don't know if he changed what I'd said in his translation. It's all a bit awkward at the moment but everyone who has posted here has given me the courage and strength to be much more firm about things. Thank you.

I'm all for family and this would be cultural for me.
However, if it isn't your culture or you don't want this, speak up now.

Your dh should be given the ultimatum of her moving in and you moving out, or telling her it isn't happening and you call the shots.

Or if he won't tell her, then you will have to do it. Don't give in to pressures from others, they are your babies.

Did you not discuss cultural expectations before becoming pregnant.
She's not in the wrong, i's just different to your expectations.

No way should you /her or any fucker be touching your ds's foreskin. Make sure she never changes a nappy op.
Just wow.

Good advice on here so I won repeat it, boundaries in place now and just keep repeating them if needed. Re the bump touching, when people grabbed my bump without asking I soon found that putting a hand on their stomach back at the same time soon put them off ;)

Don't go for the hints. She won't get it probably. Or she will ignore them and carry on. If she goes to touch your bump then say a very firm NO, and push her hand away.

With regard to how the babies are to be fed, that is your decision alone and she cannot dictate.

With regard to the foreskin thing, I have never heard of this. I would tell her bluntly that you won't be doing that and nor will she. Assuming you won't be.

Don't let her move in with you. That would be a recipe for disaster and she would get even worse.

@Winterdaysarehere, my thoughts exactly!

Again, just wanted to emphasize that saying something outright and firmy doesn't need to be harshly said, you can say it with a smile as well. but you need to say it - she woon't get the hint, she's from a different culture!

Squiff, whoa, NO on the foreskin thing.

My twins are also B/G and as a matter of fact, I witnessed the consultant paed do a 'top to toe' exam on him with an audience of students. They inspected his boy bits and lightly manipulated them. I asked if they were checking foreskin retraction and they said 'Gosh no, we would not do that at this age, definitely not!'

God, poor you. Honestly, I remember so many nights expressing in the living room. The pump I mentioned comes with a stand - it's a chunky thing - and makes a whirring noise. You also need to clean/ sterilise bits, obviously easier to do in the kitchen. I used to bf and re-settle each twin, sneak downstairs when my alarm went off, pump in peace in the living room with MN, the light on, a pack of digestives, store milk, wash pump, and then go back up to bed. Bugger me if I was doing that upstairs hunched in a dark corner because someone was in my blasted living room!

She is being totally unreasonable. Your babies' genitals are none of her business. The midwife will advise you if there are any potential problems, otherwise they should be left strictly alone apart from washing.

OP, where is she from, just curious.
It's part of my culture for the whole female family to be involved (not the men) but it's accepted as beneficial to all.

This isn't your culture and there's nowhere for her to stay.
Whether your dh likes it or not he's not the one who will have her there, I presume he'll be at work.
Take her help but put in boundaries, babies with you, her cooking the tea.
If it is really cultural with her, the help comes in the form of domestics and any care for the mum. The babies are strictly with their mother.