MIL is driving me mad over my pregnancy and twin babies

[Squiff70]

1. She's insisted I breastfeed for at least 6 months. I am expecting twins. She had two boys - one at a time - and insists it's my duty "because she did it". She did not - she fed one of her sons then had a gap until the other came along. Twins are a whole different ballgame. They are OUR babies and WE will decide how they are fed. I want to breastfeed, desperately, but putting pressure on me like this is stressing me out.

1. She scrutinises my body and says I'm not gaining weight. I'm 20 weeks today and have gained 4-6lbs so far. I'm a size 12-14 ish so certainly not skinny or even slim but not massive either. I had an eating disorder for 20 years, now fully recovered (as much as anyone ever can recover) but her scrutinising me like this makes me feel self-conscious.

1. She lives abroad but has come to live in the UK for a year to be here "for the birth". I don't want her there when my babies are born. It would be nice for her to come and see them shortly after (I know they are her grandchildren and she is very excited etc, I understant that) but certainly not during the birth. She keeps saying how she wants to come and live with us semi-permently when they're born so she can help. I am feeling at the moment that she want to interfere, not help, and there's a huge difference. We don't even have a spare room and I don't want anyone 'living' in our lounge!

1. Every time she seems me she immeditely puts her hand on my bump and asks how the babies are. She never asks permission to touch my stomach and never asks ME how I am.

There are other smaller things besides these but the breastfeeding one is the one which is upsetting me most. I don't know how to handle these situations at all. I don't want to keep her away from her grandchildren by any means, and am genuinely grateful for offers of help with the babies, but this is all too much. Any advice would be gratefully appreciated!

Last night I told DP that under no uncertain terms are we messing with our son's foreskin unless a doctor asks us to. He replied "sweetie, we ARE doing it - my mum did it to me and my brother and we turned out just fine". I replied that I'd posted a thread on a parenting forum asking for advice on it and was told categorically - by parents/carers of boys - that it was not necessary. Apparently (according to DP) you're all incorrect (you're not). I will make a point of speakin to medical professionals about this in front of DP so he can hear for himself their answer. Eveyrthing his mum says is gospel it seems. I'm trying not to get too worked out about it but it's hard. Thanks again for all your replies offering advice and support and I apoogise for bringing up such a sensitive topic here but didn't know where else to turn.

I have a son and do not touch him beyond helping him at the loo and bath (he's only 3). So regularly messing with his foreskin is in no way normal! I would discuss this with a medical professional in front of DH, to ensure he is on board and does not do this when you are not there.

I think you need DH to have a clear conversation about boundaries, including touching your bump and her plans to stay and help etc. This is not her child and she doesn't get an opinion or to influence.

Pregnancy and post-partum life has a huge effect on MH (never mind with twins), it's so important you look after yourself and feel supported.

This is harsh and you might not like it, but looks like you are overruled.
you either leave your dh and ensure nc so he can't mess around with his penis, or you put up with it.
Looks like mil and dh will raise the kids how they want in their culture, whether you like it or not.

Tell him his intentions are child sexual abuse as no health professionals would suggest this..
.

You need to tell your DP, in verrrry simple language, that if he does not ask his mum to back off, and start seeing her as external to your nuclear family unit and not a part of it, then once the babies are here it will not be very long before you end up falling out with her very badly. And things said in that kind of heat of the moment can be very hard to unsay.

It would be better to be very honest with him now and be clear on boundaries, and explain to him that YOU will decide how you parent and you DO see her as interfering already, rather than to smile and nod until you end up losing it totally and throwing her out of the house.

Oh and DP?

Please give the babies your surname!

"sweetie, we ARE doing it - my mum did it to me and my brother and we turned out just fine".

'No, we are not doing it. Please stop referring to what your mother did when we discuss how WE are parenting OUR babies. What your mother thinks or does is nothing to do with what we decide. In this case, I've taken advice which directly contradicts her, so I will NOT be agreeing to do this.'

FFS there isn't one style of parenting that fits all. So what if MIL did this or that.. Doesn't mean you have to.
Your DP needs to see that. Isut because his mum did it, doesn't make it gospel and there are lots of other parents that didn't mess about with their boys bits and pieces who also 'turned out fine'

MIL and twins... bingo

I have never seen parenting style book that involves manhandling a baby's genitals....