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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

hes changed his mind :(

67 replies

pinkys · 15/08/2007 09:56

Hey!! well, im really up set at the minute, i have been with my partner for 5 and half years, and we are only young 21, but a couple of months ago we decided we wanted to start a family, as we not ones to be going out every night partying anymore, we more of the settle down couple, which we are happy about, so i came off the pill, and we did think i was pregant straight away, as my period came really late, so we were both really gutted, but last night, he said he thinks we should wait, im totally gutted, as i was soo looking forward to everything, we have both just moved in together, and we had everything planned, marrage baby ect, our whole life, which we were both really excited about, but he says he still loves me, and wants to have children with me, and coz he couldnt have everything he wanted when he was young, he dont want our children to be like that, he wants them to have what they want, not spoilt thoe, lol.. so we cant really afford that, so i can see where hes coming from and i do agree, but im also annoyed as iv came off the pill, and just getting my cycle back to normal, and he wants me 2 go back on it again, which im worryed its going to muck it up even more, when we wanna come back off it again, yeh i do think we are doing the right thing now, but i cant help feeling really upset so not too sure what to do

thanks for reading, glad i got that of my chest

OP posts:

FoghornLeghorn · 15/08/2007 09:59

Is there ever a time you can afford a baby ?

I don't think there is - everyone lives to their means so having a baby is going to impact whatever income you have.

Sorry he has changed his mind - I was 18 ttc DD1 and DH & I had just moved in together. I would've been gutted if he'd changed his mind

scorpio1 · 15/08/2007 10:01

could you do a budget sheet to show him what money you would/could have? include Child Benefit too.

Really, lots of people think they can't afford them, but do. is there ever a good time?

Maybe just use condoms so you can keep your cycle normal??

aloha · 15/08/2007 10:03

As you say, you are very young, and I honestly think it is best that your partner feels as committed to having a baby as you do. You have only just moved in together, maybe try to enjoy this exciting stage in your life for a little while - have lots of fun together - and then move on. He sounds very sensible, which is really what you want in a co-parent!

themildmanneredjanitor · 15/08/2007 10:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Quattrocento · 15/08/2007 10:04

Agree with Aloha

Original poster

pinkys · 15/08/2007 10:06

scorpio 1: well yeh this is what i have been trying to tell him, im self employed so i wont get the maternity leave ect ect, but im willing to work straight away, for a few hours each night, which he was happy with, but i sopose its blokes they just dont seem to understand, he said we just moved in together, and want some time alone and have fun, which i did think too, then i thought well the baby wont be coming around for 9 months so plenty of time, well we had sex on saturday night when we went away, and i should be ovalating, so i sopose that was my last hope for a while if its going to happen, i know he change his mind, once i go back on the pill, so using comdoms would make sence, but i h8 using them, sex is not as good, lol!!

foghornleghorn: well yeh this is what i said to him, you get the money somehow and you live on what you have got, everyone in life wants more then what you can get, thats just normal.

OP posts:

zippitippitoes · 15/08/2007 10:07

have some fun first...21 is so early to start a family when you could do loads of other things

isaidno · 15/08/2007 10:07

I got together with DH age 22, married at 24 and had DS1 age 29. I would have had babies earlier, but we had a great time together - going abroad on holidays, meals out whenever, decorating the house, etc.

Enjoy each other for a bit longer first!

aloha · 15/08/2007 10:11

Why do you feel this big hurry to have a baby right now? There are lots of other things you could do. A wonderful holiday, travel, doing up your new house, going out, and practical things too, such as saving up for maternity leave one day.
Working every night with a newborn is NO FUN. Babies are hard work even if you are 21.

themildmanneredjanitor · 15/08/2007 10:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

oliveoil · 15/08/2007 10:14

oh good god, I could hardly take care of myself at 21 let alone a baby

I think you should wait a while, have fun

then in a few years see how you feel

I wasn't broody until I was at least 30, then went travelling and came back pregnant

do stuff first!

Easywriter · 15/08/2007 10:14

I haven't read all of the posts but I do have some sympathy with your boyfriend.

Saying you want a baby and trying for one and being pregnant are all different (and VERY SCARY) things for some people.

I think his going off the idea may be fear related as he is saying all those old cliches (no offence to either you or him, they're all damned fine reasons).

Could you work at trying to view what he's saying positively i.e. he's REALLY thinking about this and wants to be a good parent?

I'm sure it'll happen for you both. Each of you just need to get to that 'ready' point in your own time.

In the meantime, what about another form of contraception? I know the pill sucks.

FoghornLeghorn · 15/08/2007 10:16

Must admit, DH & I do sometimes wish we'd had more 'us' time before having DD's. Wouldn't change them for the world but it's going to be a long time now before we can have the lovely exotic holidays just the 2 of us

scorpio1 · 15/08/2007 10:18

i had ds1 at 17, ds2 at 19. im now pg with ds3, aged 22. fine for us, but actually me and dp have never ever been together and not had children-i got with him when ds1 was 11 months. We longingly chat about when kids are 18-just to have together time!

I would get married first-we are not married, would love to be, but its too expensive for us to do how we want it to for a few years yet .

Save-you always need £££££££ to have children!

And enjoy having your time to yourself.

BellaBear · 15/08/2007 10:24

it might be worth tracking your cycle for a while now you are off the pill? Will come in handy when you start to try again.

hayley2u · 15/08/2007 10:30

i had my first son at 20 3 months before 21, and if id known now, id have waited. i love my son to peices, but live your life for a bit with each other, because then your child comes first and marriage and that all goes on hold.
id get him dow the aisle first ha, i'm still waiting at 25, and so wished id done it that way. you both obviously love each other and commited so just take it as it comes.
soon enough you'll get your baby.
i do agree also though that there really is not a right time to plan baby, my brother kept putting it off and his girlfriend could not wait. in the end she fell pregnant and there so happy now.

Original poster

pinkys · 15/08/2007 10:45

aloha: yeh, i feel the same, and im glad that he has told me, but im just annoyed a bit, as he was the one more then me that wansted to try, and now the role has changed, lol!! i just wished he would of said before we started trying..

thewildmanneredjanitor: lol! that is excatly what he said, and yes i do strongly agree, and we have everything planned what we want for a wedding ect, but like i just said to aloha i wish he told me before we started trying fo a few months as i got really excited.

OP posts:

SweetyDarling · 15/08/2007 10:50

Please go travelling and see the world etc before you have children. You will never have the same opportunities once you have children.
When you are 30 you will look back on yourself as a 21yo and think of yourself as a child in the same way you now look back on yourself when you were 12. I'm sure you are a very mature 21yo, but this is your time to have fun and be care-free (doesn't mean you have to be out every night boozing) so make the most of it!

Gemy · 15/08/2007 12:28

Agree with the others. Get married first, buy your first place (not sure if you have yet?) and enjoy being together. I got married at 20 and we only thought of having children when I was 28 (and then followed DD) and that time together before you have children is very special - don't wish it away. My DH used to surprise me all the time with messages like "meet me at Heathrow at 1730" and I'd get there to find he'd booked a surprise weekend away in New York and had secretly packed my bags (and usually with a few new items he'd bought for me like jewellery or a new dress!) and that time for us was one of fun and fond memories, of being indulgent and impulsive

You have lots of time to have children!

kerioke · 15/08/2007 12:33

HI pinkys,

i think everyone on here is right, there are so many different options and opinions which are all right for somebody.. i was 16 when i got pg with ds1 and 17 when i had him, i had been with his dad over 3 years and although our son wasnt planned we took responsibility, settled down and raised him well, we did seperate, but have since both remained great parents to him and friends to each other and have both entered new relationships and had further children. i am now 25 and expecting my 3rd... and yes my dp and i sit for hours and discuss all the things we would like to do... marriage being one of them, but we just cant do things liek that right now. i do wish that i had worked my own life through a little more before becoming a mum and although i would now be lost without them it would also be pretty special to have experienced some of the things i now spend my days fantasising about. financially the time is never right, but i wouldnt use that as an excuse, i often can only answer my sons questions with opinion rather than fact as i never experinced the things he asks about.

good luck with whatever you decide and remember theres really no hurry, you can be a mum any day, but an independant woman??? i was never one of those lucky things!

HandbagAddiction · 15/08/2007 12:46

Great post Kerioke.

Cazzybaby · 15/08/2007 12:56

Hi Pinky, I am 22 and expecting my first LO in Jan. It was an unplanned pregnancy and although I am over the moon, a lot of things have had to go on hold. Like most people have mentioned the main one being getting married! Take time to enjoy the time you have together and when its ment to happen it will happen. Things have a habbit of falling into place when the time is right xx

Blu · 15/08/2007 13:03

Of course you feel upset - you had got all excited and emotional and gooey about the idea of a little baby - and why not - it's a lovely thing to imagine and feel warm and excited about. So of course now you have felt the crash of disappointment.

But after you have had time to let that go, be glad that you have such a strong loving sensible partner. You can still be planning for when you have a baby, but putting so much in place in your lives. I agree - enjoy each other, and build foundations that will enable to you to nejoy your children even more when you do have them.

Don't worry about pills and cycles - go back on the pill (if that's your chosen method) and then come off again and get on with it.

rozzyraspberry · 15/08/2007 13:23

I can understand you being disappointed. However, I do think your partner is sensible.

I was almost 27 when I had ds1 and 28 when I had ds2. It's only now that I'm 31 and pregnant with number 3 that I realise I feel far more ready for it this time around. I would definitely get married first and enjoy a lovely honeymoon and other fab holidays together. One thing I regret is not going on many nice holidays with dh before we had children. We were just getting more comfortable financially when I fell pregnant and I wish we'd enjoyed that for a bit longer before we had the children.

Having said all that I wouldn't be without them!

As far as the pill goes I was on the pill for around 7 years before ds1. Went back on it after he was born and again after ds2 was born. I've been lucky and conceived quickly each time so going back on the pill again won't necessarily mess up your cycle.

SweetyDarling · 15/08/2007 13:29

You will thank him when you're 30 - honestly!
In the mean-time, plan a trip away or a project to work towards to take your mind of things.

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