hes changed his mind :(

[pinkys]

Hey!! well, im really up set at the minute, i have been with my partner for 5 and half years, and we are only young 21, but a couple of months ago we decided we wanted to start a family, as we not ones to be going out every night partying anymore, we more of the settle down couple, which we are happy about, so i came off the pill, and we did think i was pregant straight away, as my period came really late, so we were both really gutted, but last night, he said he thinks we should wait, im totally gutted, as i was soo looking forward to everything, we have both just moved in together, and we had everything planned, marrage baby ect, our whole life, which we were both really excited about, but he says he still loves me, and wants to have children with me, and coz he couldnt have everything he wanted when he was young, he dont want our children to be like that, he wants them to have what they want, not spoilt thoe, lol.. so we cant really afford that, so i can see where hes coming from and i do agree, but im also annoyed as iv came off the pill, and just getting my cycle back to normal, and he wants me 2 go back on it again, which im worryed its going to muck it up even more, when we wanna come back off it again, yeh i do think we are doing the right thing now, but i cant help feeling really upset so not too sure what to do

thanks for reading, glad i got that of my chest

I'm 21 with a 10 month old little boy. He was planned and very wanted but now and then I do miss doing the things my friends are doing. Please don't take that the wrong way, I wouldn't change DS for anything. It is hard that DP and I don't really get time together.

We are getting married in april, but on a shoestring with no honeymoon. Ideally it would have been better to get married first enjoy each other for another couple of years then have kids.

You have plenty of time for a baby yet and you can carry on planning but for the future

I'm gonna get lynched but I think 21 is too young. From personal experience I am a totally different person in my 30's as I was at 21 and so might you be. Enjoy your life, enjoy your 20's - there is so much time for everything else later and a little of lifes experiences will make you better parents.
The hurt and broodyness will pass - you will have the right baby at the right time. I think your boyfriend is very sensible and the hugeness of this has probably just hit him and he has had to take a step back. A man brave enough to do that is a catch so enjoy him now when you have him to yourself - there is so much you can see do and learn together. Later when you have a baby there will be many stressors which you don't realise and everything changes - not always for the worse but life and love become different and you always have to put your child first, plus initially the sleep deprivation is unbelieveable unless you are one of the lucky few. Enjoy the freedom you have now and have a baby when both of you are ready - you will be happier in the long run.

thankyou everyone for your responses, which did hit me quite hard, but we have talked about getting married, abroad, and i sopose when u think about it, its not going to be as romantic if theres a baby around, i have my own beauty salon, so mayb i should try and concentrate on getting that up and running, and then i will be able to have proper maternity leave?
i can understand what my partner has said, and i do strongly agree with him, so i just wish i dont feel this disapointed, lol it be so much easier, i think im a very negative person, and think if we dont try, i might not b a mum, so hopefully one day it will happen for both of us, the thing i will find the hardest that it was him that chose to try for a baby not me, but then mayb i should of been more sensable and said no at the beginning and then i wouldnt of been this hurt.

Cookiesandcream - I agree with you, but only as far as I am concerned. I meet people in there twenties who scare me with their maturity and ability, all I was interested in was snakebite and going out in my twenties.

I know these mature people aren't as common as you'd think but they do exist.
Generalisations = bad

I agree, but maturity doesn't = life experience either. And it's not just about whether you're mature enough, it's also about getting the most out of life!

I totally agree with blu and aloha and mmj. Until you have kids you can't know how utterly and completely your life is never your own again.

It sounds like you are both family oriented and that it WILL happen; so what's the harm in having some time to be a couple first. I agree, there is SO much to experience in life that is just so, so much easier to do if you don't have a child. Marriage is on the cards I understand; why not throw yourself wholeheartedly into planning your wedding, honeymoon and getting your business really going? My goodness, that would be enough to keep most people busy

And I think also that this isn't 'putting off' having a family; it's PART of it. You are doing your future child a huge service by building a strong, lasting relationship with it's father, which will stand you both in good stead for the challenges which dl lie ahead. Being strong, BOTH ready, and perhaps in a better position financially will enable you to be happier, more relaxed parents.

Hey pinky, i wish i was walking along your route with the career and business etc at 21, you should be so proud of yourself. i think oyu have taken everyones responses brilliantly and after re reading my post i feel i should have given you a big hug about your dissappointment.

me and others have all concentrated on the practicalities and i didnt really think about how gutted oyu are feeling about being messed around. TTC is a hard thing to go through, but to take the steps forward and then get knocked back is heart wrenching, so heres a big hug from me and lots of luck withyour business, future marriage and lovely partnership. all the foundations are there for you to have a wicked future! get on with it! xxx

great post ker. Here's a hug from me too, pinkys....

Pinky's trust me, it will be fine
I know you feel disappointed, but enjoy your lives together for a few more years yet.
Get your own house, make a home. Do everything you want to do first, then have the babies.
You will enjoy them so much more if you are set up and settled, than if it's a budget baby situation.
Plus working at night with a newborn. I'm sure people have said as much, but you can't guarentee your newborn will be asleep at night. And you need to sleep while it is.
Trust me. DD1 was a good baby and I still found it hard work and so tiring.

Enjoy being a couple first.
EVERYTHING becomes so much more expensive with children, such as holidays etc, better in ways too, don't get me wrong, but more restricted.

I had DD1 when I was 26 and I still felt too young.

BoM, I got married at 30 and felt like a child bride! Mother at 35 and think my level of maturity may still have left a little to be desired

omg gemy what a bloke, i onky though they did that in the movies, right the pressures really on with my bloke lol

Had to post!

Yes you are young, but you're not 12! You're 21, a fully grown adult. Having a baby now is the best time for you physically to ever have one. Mentally, don't listen to people telling you you are to young and that you wont know what you are doing, becasue nobody starting a family knows what they are doing or what to expect. A 40 year old woman having her first knows no more than you would. I am 20 and have a 12 week old daughter. I don't think I'm too young at all. For me I would much rather have had babies earlier than later, though my pregancy ws not planned.

And don't listen to people telling you that your life will stop once you have had a baby. It only stops if you allow it to. Mine certainly hasn't, I can still do all the things I used to be able to, it's just I need to plan them out more and arrange childcare. You can still have lots of fun, and by having a family young it means that when your kids are older you are still at a young enough age to do all the things you wanted to do i.e. travelling etc.

I don't struggle financially, I'm a single parent but have some help from family members, I've continued to study for my degree and I have a lovely, content baby girl. So as far as I'm concerned, I think I've done much better than some older mums. Nothing about my age has affected the way I bring up my little girl. So imo, age isn't always the risk factor when having a baby.

As far as your situation goes, if your partner does not feel ready to have a baby then it's best that you wait. Pushing someone into making this sort of decision is not a good idea as it is a huge commitment. Wait a while and see how things go. Enjoy living together, because, and I hate to be the voice of doom here but, if things don't work out between you and you have a baby - that can complicate things a lot. Living with somebody is not easy and very stressfull, so take one thing at a time. I fear that if you do too many things at once it may be too much strain on your relationship.

i don't agree totally with that LW. Speaking AS a 40 year old woman i can say that actually, while you're right that nothing can prepare you for your own child 24/7, there is a hell of a lot of difference between people at 20 and people at 40. Acres, and acres, of life experience, struggles, joys, disappointments, experiences and many many years of dealing with life. That does count for alot when it comes to dealing with the ups and downs of parenthood, which it takes a lot more than twelve weeks to experience.

I know that sounds patronising. I'm sorry. I have a four year old and I am happy to accept that I as yet know little of the ups and downs of parenthood that someone with a teenager has.

And a CAREFREE time when you're young, is priceless. Though it depends on personality I suppose; I do think that for many people they can still feel carefree once they've got the childcare arranged and are out and about. But for some, that carefree time goes.

I totally agree that physically 20 is the best time, and I can see the advantages to doing it young. But as I say, from the viewpoint of my great age I can see the other side too. If I put my bi-focals on

Oh, you have such an exciting time ahead of you! A wedding, a new business, lots of hard work but so much potential and you are only 21! And HonoriaGlossop is right - this IS making a family! Your relationship with your dp is absolutely vital. Family is more than just babies - gorgeous and delicious and yummy as they are.
Nobody's suggesting you wait 20years to have your baby - but two or even three years at 21, though it might seem like forever, is nothing at all in your lifetime. In some ways I think you are right - if you are with the right person at the right stage of life, have your babies young - but you will still be young at 24/25/26/27!

Hi pinkys,
This all depends on what you want out of life.
I got married at 18. Had DC1 at 21 and DC2 at 22. My husband got jealous of all the attention i gave the children and we divorced when i was 24.
I planned to have children early and grow up with them!!! then to start my career as a nurse and travel the world later in my life, which will happen eventually as i've since met a wonderful 22yo man and had DC3 who's 10m old and expecting DC4 in 7 weeks time. I am now 29.(i still haven't grown up!)
I don't regret having my 1st 2 when i was 21 and 22, just make sure your partner wouldn't resent you and the attention you'd give the baby.
Good luck on whatever you decide.

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Yes, I agree aloha (again!) I should make clear that I'm not saying it's have your baby at 20 or at 40 and nothing in between!

Personally I don't think that waiting until 30's is the best thing and you can see the world any time not just when you're 20. I had dd at 23, 4 miscarriages, had ds1, another miscarriage and just had ds2; I'm not 28. I'm so glad we had our children young as we now have time on our side when we're older to be grandparents (if they have children), see the world then etc etc. I always wanted children young so that I would have the energy and fertility to do so.

I find it so patronising when people bang on about seeing the world before having children and being 30 odd, what difference does a few years make? None imo as if you're ready then you're ready regardless of age. We married before we had dd as well and live together. I think it's best to have them young while you can keep up with them and manage the sleepless nights and also be around to see your grandchildren rather than waiting as after all, you can see the world any time, children are a once in a lifetime blessing.

And for what it's worth, I'm the same person now as I was at 18, even younger. I think the same and feel the same about things. Age isn't everything and just being a few years older doesn't make you a better mother, far from it imo.

I'll second what JodieG1 has said. And I'm sorry but it really angers me when people bang on about 'life experience', sorry but what a load of crap! No ammount of life experience will ever prepare you for having a baby. To suggest it seems mad to me. That to me just says, 'well I've had a career and travelled a lot, now I'm 35 and am totally ready and prepared to have a baby because of all this 'life experience' I have behind me!' I knew somebody would mention life experience after I posted.

I'm 20 year old and I honestly believe that, judging by some of the older mums I see at my clinic, I'm doing a much better job. I'm not trying to toot my own horn, I have my bad days like everyone else. But the mothers I see at my clinic are doing no better than me because they are 35 with bags of life experience!

There is a 40 year old woman across the road from me who has just had a baby and when I dropped round a gift the other week she was telling me how hard she was finding it, just like every other mother does at first. So this tells me that just because she is older with all this life experience (that appears to be such a huge facter for having a baby!), it doesn't make the job any easier. And it certainly makes you none the wiser. 20 years of dealing with adults and treking around Europe makes you no more prepared to be a mother than the next woman, who might just so happen to be 21.

I don't mean to get at anyone with my last post, but it's really starting to grate on me the way people preach about the checklist you need to have ticked to be a mum. I feel constantly shot down by older mums for being young, and it bugs me.

If I was to turn around and say that I think having a baby at 35 is far too old (which I don't btw), I'd get bomarded by angry women. I think the only time life experience (with regards to having children) comes into play is if you actually have children.

The truth is nobody is ever prepared for what children will bring, young or old.

I am aware LW that it must be very annoying when people assume you don't do so good a job when you're a young mum. I hope you realise I don't think that at all; my own mum was your age when she had my brother and she was (and still is!) the most amazing, fantastic mother.

I just tihnk it can make it EASIER, a hell of a lot easier, on the PARENT having experience of life behind you. It can make it easier to take the long view sometimes, easier to know that things won't last forever etc etc when you're in the middle of some horrible times. I also found that when I was 20 I was wanting to concentrate on me, getting to know myself, going out, thinking only of me basically. I would have been just as loving a mum then, but I would have been utterly conflicted and the baby would not have been my focus the way he was when I was older.

I do realise that some older mums may not have any more experience or skills in coping than some younger mums though; people vary and some people never achieve maturity!

I also think as I said originally there are positives to being a young mum; and going back to the OP, no-one was saying don't be a young mum, only pointing out the positives of both being ready and a bit oldER.

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