hes changed his mind :(

[pinkys]

Hey!! well, im really up set at the minute, i have been with my partner for 5 and half years, and we are only young 21, but a couple of months ago we decided we wanted to start a family, as we not ones to be going out every night partying anymore, we more of the settle down couple, which we are happy about, so i came off the pill, and we did think i was pregant straight away, as my period came really late, so we were both really gutted, but last night, he said he thinks we should wait, im totally gutted, as i was soo looking forward to everything, we have both just moved in together, and we had everything planned, marrage baby ect, our whole life, which we were both really excited about, but he says he still loves me, and wants to have children with me, and coz he couldnt have everything he wanted when he was young, he dont want our children to be like that, he wants them to have what they want, not spoilt thoe, lol.. so we cant really afford that, so i can see where hes coming from and i do agree, but im also annoyed as iv came off the pill, and just getting my cycle back to normal, and he wants me 2 go back on it again, which im worryed its going to muck it up even more, when we wanna come back off it again, yeh i do think we are doing the right thing now, but i cant help feeling really upset so not too sure what to do

thanks for reading, glad i got that of my chest

LW, I see what you are saying.
I met a 23 yo the other day who just had her third child. She seemed so sensible, and very nice, and seemed a wonderful mum. Her children were well behaved, and well cared for.
My mum started her family at 19 and had 4 by 30. She is still young enough now her youngest is 22 to live her life fully. unfortunately she can't afford to travel the world.
I feel a totally different person to the me of 20 years old.
I travelled a bit, lived in US for 6 years. And wish I had done more.
I also wish DH and I had had more time with just us. DD1 was born just over a year after we got together, though I had known him for 8 yrs.
It just isn't the same once the children arrive. But he is 40 and didn't want to wait. I felt ready, but was glad I had waited and not had them immediately with my ex.

Everyone has a different POV.

I also wish we had bought a house first as DD1 was a budget baby, and we are still struggling. It sucks.

Its a very personal thing and sometimes events overtake you I guess. One persons choice is not a condemnation of other peoples' lives.

Personally I wanted to experience life, go as far as I could in my career and see the world before having a baby and so glad I did.

I don't think you need to have travelled and a broad life-expereience to be a Mum. I'm sure you are quite capabale of being a wonderful Mum at a younger age. I think you should travel and see the world etc etc for YOURSELF!

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NOBODY is saying that you shouldn't have babies in your twenties if you want, or that doing stuff - travel, having fun, setting up a business, going out with the love of your life - with your young life makes you a better mother or is a 'checklist' - it's just absolutely lovely to do those things while you are young and at 21 there is no rush. It's all very well to say you can still see the world at 40, which is true, but it's not the same as doing it at 21. You want better hotels for a start!

And yes, nothing to do with 'preparation to be a mum' - the fantastic thing is that at 21 you can do these things for YOURSELF. Nothing to do with parenthood at all. We are more than just mothers, we are people too.

Hi
I am 23 and have just had my first baby. I have been married a year and have been with my partner 6. I honestly don't think 21 is too young for a child. After all everyone is different. My husband and I have ambitions to travel, but we are very happy to wait til our children have grown up. To be honest we feel we will be able to enjoy it more when we are older. I think everyone is different. My priority in life was to have a family whilst I was young so I could enjoy as much of their lives as possible. I've still got plenty of time when they have grown up to enjoy traveling or to further my career.

Also- my mum was only 19 when she has me. Speaking as a child of a young mum I can honestly say its fantastic. My mum and me are very close and its great having someone still young enough to enjoy the things I enjoy (not saying older mums don't).

At the end of the day I think the factor in your case is not necessarily age, more how ready you and your partner are to have a baby. He obviously has reservation (money etc) and I would say that you shouldn't start trying whilst one of you feel like that. As someone else has suggested, work out money etc and show him. Talk to him about his feeling.

What I've written prob doesn't make much sense so sorry for gabbling on!!
XX

I agree with Aloha. Enjoy your life - you have so much of it ahead of you to enjoy. Have a lovely time. Then have babies to make your life lovely in a different way.

Nothing prepares you for having a baby - I had my first at 37 and was in over my ears! - but your life changes permanently and completely. Don't rush into that change, please! I love my children to bits, but I'm glad I spent my 20s without them, too.

Dior, that was exactly the point I was making. Some posters had replied saying that they felt patronised by some posts (my own included) suggesting that we felt it was better to get life expereince first. They argued that they felt capable of being a mum without having seen the world - hence my last post.

Given that the OP's partner does not want a child right now, then the OP doesn't really have a choice about having a baby at the moment, so people are nicely and kindly saying that this might be a blessing in disguise and that life can be wonderful at 21 without a baby in it. I fail to see what is so dreadful about that, frankly.

Agree with Aloha. I have a friend who had 3 children inher early 20s who used to argue that she and her DH would be able to see the world once the kids had gorwn up. She now (at 30) aknowledges that she will never get to see the world with the same care-free abandon and freedom that her friends have enjoyed. Yes she will head of on holidays when many of us are ferrying our DCs to sports and music lessons, but she will always be a Mum first and couldn't just pack up and drift around South America for 6 months or dash off without a moment's notice for a weekend in the med.
She loves her children and she's a great Mum, but I know she now sees just how much she sacraficed which is something she could never see in her early 20s.

Nothing about my age has made being a parent any easier or harder, so the argument that having different experiences in life makes it easier for older women still, seems silly to me. I'm sorry I'm not trying to be argumentative or get at anybody, we all have our own opinions. But above implies that older women may find it easier becoming a parent because.... they have lived longed?!

Any person without children wants to focus on themselves, who else are they going to focus on. There were a lot of things I wanted to do before children, but having had my dd I'm still doing most of them. I've continued doing my degree, and I've got trips to Malta, New York and Italy planned. So I'm still 'getting out there' lol! I suppose this isn't true for all people though, I'm different to every other mother. For me now though, who used to be somebody of the 'I want to wait and live my life first' camp, I'm so glad the way things have turned out and I wouldn't change it for anything. I don't see my daughter as having stopped me doing anything, and have nothing but love for her. Things only stop if you allow them to imo. And having had her young I now feel as if I wouldn't like to have had them older.

• longed?
• longer!

However having had a baby 12 weeks ago LW realises that her brain has been totally frazzled in the making

agree with aloha. And LW, I'm afraid that you are weakening your argument! You can't actually know whether it might have been easier for you if you'd had children later, because you haven't experienced that. i think people who have done both or have got much older and had kids, have at least some facts to base their views on.

And (I do this too much lately) but I agree again with Aloha - I for one just came here to encourage the OP that all will come out in the wash really. Think I've done that enough - ta ta.

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i've chosen to have my kids at 25 and 26. DH is 12 years my elder, and i didn't want him to be an 'old' Dad, and tbh i've had a pretty wild time already. I was / am ready for a family and settling down- it's all down to the individual, not the age. And yes, i do have it in my mind that by the time my kids are independent, i can reclaim my garden and bank account and have fun, but i think i've had my silly irresponsible fun already tbh!

i can only imagine how sad it is if you thought you were getting ready to start a family, but now things have changed. I don't know if anyone else has suggested this, but perhaps agree to discuss the subject again in a years time, and see if either of your feelings have changed? in the meantime, remember that you are young enough that time is biologicially on your side, and that he's doing you a favour by being honest with you. How much worse would it be if you were pregnant and he was miserable and scared?

Chin up though, i'm sure things will work out, whether it's right now, or a few years time.