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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Pregnant and my husband doesn’t believe me...

92 replies

amazon2017 · 29/09/2019 03:32

Married for 16 years, we have 3 children and i’m 16 weeks Pregnant( complete accident).. My husband told me today that he hates me and doesn’t want baby. He accusing me in lying to him. He thinks it was my “plan “ and i “ manipulated him into it”, which is complete rubbish. I always was very honest with him... His mother is also against me ( his her only child). Yesterday I sent him a message , explaining him how i feel and begging him to allow me to keep the baby... Today I found out he forward my message to a female colleague. Who told him what to answer, saying again I am” manipulating him”... then he answered her something “ may be I can go with N2 “?... i am completely lost... I have no family support around... what should I do to make him to believe me?..,

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Original poster

amazon2017 · 29/09/2019 11:36

I didn’t want to get pregnant. It was a complete accident... sometimes it’s just easy for men to put their head in the sand, and to blame the woman.

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PennysPocket · 29/09/2019 12:00

Why blame the man here. Women are manipulative! How does anyone know if the woman in question didn’t fall pregnant without discussing this with the husband first? He may have thought she was on the pill and trusted her, as you should in a marriage. It’s always the mans fault, when usually it’s the woman doing it without the mans consent!!

Is the poor man unable to look after his own contraception

If he did not want anymore children then he should have had a vasectomy. No contraception is 100% so there is always a risk.
He is being blamed because he chose to leave birth control to his wife and is now acting like a twat because she is pregnant.
Contraception is the individuals responsibility don't want kids then take control. He consented to pregnancy the second he had sex without controlling his own contraception.

sprite25 · 29/09/2019 13:26

This man sounds emotionally abusive and horrible. He tells you, his wife and mother of his children, he hates you and other nasty things. Do you really think it's good for your children to be in that environment? Even if he does it away from them they will pick up on the bad feelings. As hard and scary as it will seem, you need to take back control of your life from this man and get away from him. I suspect he does believe your pregnant and knows full well the part he played in it but is probably using the whole 'manipulation' thing to make it look like it's your fault when he leaves, which he probably will. Sorry this is happening to you, get away from this bully and there will be a light at the end of the tunnel

HollieMarcelli · 29/09/2019 14:56

His colleague sounds like a bad influence, Especially when you say that he’s changed since he started a new job..

She shouldn’t be telling a married man what to say to his wife, Sounds like they’re more than colleagues to me.

He does not sound strong enough for you and your three children,
He is old enough to make his own decisions, And should not have to do everything his mommy says..

I don’t think he has any fear in losing you.
Sounds like no matter what he does you’re always there for him he needs to lose that security or at least fear losing the security.

I wish you the best with everything!

Whatnext11 · 29/09/2019 16:53

I do feel for you, this sounds so tough. My suggestion would be to chat this through with a friend who knows you both, maybe over the phone you could call someone in your old area.
I would also look at getting some advice or counselling. Someone impartial to support you. Women's aid is a good suggestion.l, but do it so he can't travel where you have called/ gone online eg use Google incognito.
As for next steps practically, it sounds like you would want to keep the baby, so next step is to get going on any midwife appointments you may be due.
In terms of what to say to him, by all means be civil and calm if you can, you can explain that this was an accident and discuss no further. Remain calm while you find out your options.
Take care of you.
There is lots of support including for your child on the spectrum, there will be a local charity I bet who can support you with him/her.

Jesskir89 · 29/09/2019 16:57

The bottom line is you're 16 weeks pregnant, you're having this baby. He needs to man up and be a father and a husband to you or he needs or you need to leave. Personally I wouldn't be treated this way. Hope you're OK and please let us know you are

Original poster

amazon2017 · 29/09/2019 17:46

Thank you for your kind support every one. It all seems like a bad dream. He behaves as nothing happened and over caring with children at the moment. I still have to remind myself about everything he told me last night , as now I just can’t trust him, he may smile but I have no idea what he has in his head...I have a termination app for the end of this week...i still don’t know what to do, if I go, he will come with me, as I have no one else...He always says I am overreacting. Maybe he is right. There is s big temptation to do what he tells me, as I always did...

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Whatnext11 · 29/09/2019 17:54

Please don't go to that appointment :( cancel it, and call a friend and ask them for support.

doublebarrellednurse · 29/09/2019 17:55

He probably does believe you, but clearly is looking for an excuse to be an utter dick to you and this is handy.

The female colleague text is ridiculously disrespectful and screams affair at some level.

It's not up to him whether you keep the baby it's up to you. We are not in the dark ages.

doublebarrellednurse · 29/09/2019 17:59

Your children will cope. I guarantee it. What they won't avoid damage of is growing up watching their mother in an abusive relationship. Girls will learn being abused is ok and boys will learn how to abuse. Both will suffer in adulthood because of this.

pinksparkleunicorns · 29/09/2019 18:10

@doublebarrellednurse hits the nail on the head.

It sounds like you are going to have the termination.

I know this must be so hard for you but please don't do it if you do not want to. At least without phoning woman's aid or a similar charity first.

Original poster

amazon2017 · 29/09/2019 18:12

When I originally told him, he said I just want to chain him, and his life style will , when I told him that he is free to go. Now he changed his tune and saying « other three will suffer because of this my
Irresponsible decision», and this worries me...

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Lillygolightly · 29/09/2019 18:27

@amazon2017

When did her know that you booked the termination appointment? Has his behaviour towards you changed since you booked it? Because I would very much suspect that he thinks if he is just nice enough to you until the appointment than you will do what he wants and go through with the termination. I would fully expect him to revert to his shit behaviour once he’s gotten what he wanted.

Termination is fine, but it has to be what you want. Not because of him, his behaviour, anyone or anything else. You have to really be sure that it’s what you want and that it’s the best thing for YOU, even then these things can be hard enough to recover from emotionally. This is why it has to be your choice, your decision because it’s you who will go through it all, not him! Forget him, think about what you want and what you think you can cope with.

Jesskir89 · 29/09/2019 18:32

Op please think carefully before attending this appointment. 10 years ago I lost a baby at 16 weeks and had to give birth to him. Yes him. He was a baby the size of my hand and it broke me. Not a day goes by I don't think of him and the trauma I went through giving birth that day. I worry this will break you too. I would rather lose your bully of a husband if I was you, but I'm not and ultimately it's your decision. I'm sorry to share this but you need to prepare yourself mentally.

Roozy123 · 29/09/2019 18:36

Huh?
If this were me... I would leave him because he sounds vile and I wouldn't care less if he believed me or not.

Ornery · 29/09/2019 18:36

He wants you to terminate, and ultimately will then leave you anyway. He just wants to get rid of the unplanned baby because it’s an inconvenience. He will leave anyway. Or continue to have affairs elsewhere while still married to you because he knows he can treat you like dirt and you will take it.
Sixteen years or not, baby or not, I wouldn’t be begging for any crumbs of comfort he designed to drop on the floor for me after getting permission to do so from female colleagues that he may or may not be shagging.
He sounds despicable.

MandalaYogaTapestry · 30/09/2019 00:35

OP please don't have the termination. You don't want to do it. You'll be 17 weeks gone by then. By the way you write about it, it is clear that this will haunt you forever. And your husband does not love you and no termination will change that. Keep your baby. You will be glad you did.

Grandmi · 30/09/2019 09:49

OP please reconsider your appointment for next week. He has shown his true colours and is only being ok with you now because he thinks you are going to terminate!! It’s an irreversible decision that you are making unwillingly and it will also effect your marriage !! Am not anti abortion but if there is any doubt....don’t do it !!

Original poster

amazon2017 · 30/09/2019 15:31

He is not ok now, he is also feeling under pressure and very stressed. He feels like I want him to take all responsibility. He said he had enough of me, because I cause him all this stress...

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Jesskir89 · 30/09/2019 16:34

How did you cause it? Did you climb on top of yourself and got pregnant? Kick him out and be done with him he sounds awful. Hope you're OK

ilovemykids5 · 30/09/2019 17:27

Keep the baby...leave the prick!

CheesecakeAddict · 01/10/2019 05:21

That's what my husband used to tell me. It is gaslighting. It is abuse. Your children will grow up thinking it's OK and model their future husbands off their father. As I did.
Abuse is a cycle for a reason. Of course he is being nice to you now, he wants you to stay and he is getting his own way. Take the children today, go down to the council offices and declare yourself homeless because you are fleeing domestic abuse. They will find something for you and sort out your housing benefit. The best decision I ever made!

Whatnext11 · 01/10/2019 06:32

So, take one small step today towards looking after yourself. What might that be? Calling a friend? Calling women's aid? Going online to see what benefits you would get if you were on your own?
One small step today.

Tilltheendoftheline · 01/10/2019 06:39

OP firstly, you need to decided about the baby.

Dont have a termination to keep him that wont work.

However, do think about wether you want to be a single mum to 3 children or if you think you will cope with 3 children and a baby.

Personally, I would have the termination so I could concentrate on the older 3. The marriage is over. I woildnt want to be pregnant then have a baby in this situation.

But that's me. You may decide differently. Just dont decide what to do based on what reaction you want from him.

Original poster

amazon2017 · 01/10/2019 07:06

Thanks everyone. It’s very hard to make my own decision without thinking of him. It didn’t want a baby it was an accident, I thought I was done with nappies and sleepless nights, also my 3 are not easy children. In early days I was sure I will have a miscarriage, as I had one before ( and I felt relief, it was for the best, ), I feel awful about it now. I still feel that baby will complicate my life. However I’m so advanced now ( almost 17 weeks). My husband told me that he had heard pain yesterday, and won’t talk about it any more. I felt so bad... I feel like there is no solution in my situation...

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