Torn between wanting to keep my baby and husbands logic not to

[ScaredMumma]

I’m 5 weeks pregnant. We have two children from previous relationships- 16 and 10. We did not plan this at all so it’s come as a huge shock to say the least.

We live in a 2 bed house, so when his daughter is here the girls share a bedroom. We’re squashed at the best of times and keep talking about needing to move, but the equity isn’t huge and we don’t have savings beyond emergencies. We both have decent jobs with ok salaries, so we’re reasonably comfortable as we are (if zero savings counts!)

If we keep this, it forces our hand - we’d have to move cos there’s no way we’d all fit! Selling the house shouldn’t be too difficult but we wouldn’t be able to buy anywhere else so we’d have to rent. Then we’d most likely end up using a fair chunk of equity to buy the more expensive baby things and to pay for childcare when I go back to work. I earn a little more than my husband at the moment and we can’t manage on his salary alone. My husband is also really worried about his job security- there used to be loads of overtime going but that’s rapidly drying up, so his opportunity to earn more isn’t really there at the moment. He thinks there could be lay-offs next year if things don’t improve.

So understandably he thinks I should go for an abortion. I understand his logic and fears, they’re not unreasonable at all. I feel them too.

But, I want to keep the baby. I hate the idea of an abortion (no judgement at all on anyone who has chosen to do that - I’m absolutely pro choice) because of the fact I want to keep it. I’m almost 39 - this is my last chance to have a baby so if we don’t go through with it there won’t be another time (husband wants to get the snip to avoid future accidents - reasonable!). The thought of going into the clinic pregnant and coming out not - it makes me feel sick and I just keep crying. Raging hormones probably not helping here!

I’m so torn. If I keep the baby I put our family in a very risky financial situation- we might never get back on the property ladder afterwards and if my husbands job goes the way he fears, things will get worse. But if I don’t I’ll have to live with it forever, I’d like to think I wouldn’t resent my husband for it but suspect I would at least in the short term.

I don’t know what to do. How do you choose which risk is worth taking?

That sounds like such a difficult situation for you to be in. The concerns are totally reasonable and sensible but your gut feelings are valid too.

I think you need to talk the whole thing over with your husband (assuming you haven't already) and share all your feelings with him and make sure he understands the emotional impact on you. It's a lot easier for him to say "get an abortion" than it is for you to go through it.

If I were you I'd try and decide whether I wanted a baby rather than decide whether I wanted an abortion or not. It doesn't make you a bad person to not want another baby x

Thanks for your advice @Kinsters

We’ve talked about it loads and just keep going round in circles. He wants me to decide for myself that an abortion is the right thing to do, I want him to decide for himself that making a go of it is worth the risk (and all these things we’re worried about may never happen anyway!).

I can’t imagine anyone wanting an abortion, just wanting not to be pregnant- that was my immediate reaction when the test came back positive too. But in the days since then I’ve got used to the idea and want to have this baby. But the risks are huge and if he’s not on board and things do go wrong, it’s inevitable he’d blame me at least in part.

But if I do what he wants itll break my heart and who knows how long it’ll take to get over. And each time I see friends with new babies, and when my sisters start having children soon, I’m scared it’ll all just keep coming back and I might never be ok with it. That would be really damaging for our relationship too.

He’s not being unreasonable, I don’t think I am either. It’s just not something you can compromise on - we either have it or we don’t.

Don’t rush into a decision there’s plenty of time to decide. While I appreciate your DH’s views I think he is over-egging the space issue a bit if your eldest is 16. There is nothing to stop your youngest from staying in your room until the eldest goes to university - while a 12 yo sharing with a 2 yo isn’t ideal it isn’t impossible either

I can see why you are torn however, if you want this baby and the thought of the clinic scenario is having such an effect on you then then I know which I would do. A 2 bedroom house isn't ideal admittingly however there are potential solutions.
Baby can stay your bedroom for longer assuming you can fit a cot in.
A family I knew had 3 children in a 2 bedroom flat. They bought a good quality sofa bed for themselves and with clever storage had the living room as their bedroom. Not ideal, but it worked for them while they saved up to move on.

Baby things can be expensive, but also can be done on a budget. If your husband was made redundant could he be the sahp. It worked for me. I earned more so went back to work fairly early on..not ideal..but it worked for us.

I would think about making the house work for you rather than com8ng into the rental market. ESP as you can't see a way to get back on the property ladder.

Whilst seeing your husbands point of view as valid it is a very personal choice for you and you alone. Xxx

People manage in much worse situations than you financially and there are other option's too like a loft conversion that can be done on the relatively cheap side. We're only in a 2 bed but it is our first so slightly different for us. Go with your gut although no judgement whatever you decide

If you want this baby you can find a way to make this work, it just might
Involve some flexibility. As mentioned
Previously, maybe your husband could be the stay at home parent for a bit if he feels his job is not secure. The baby could sleep in the same room as you until you are in a position to move. Compromises yes but it's totally possible to fit this baby into your lives! Good luck with your decision.

If you want this baby, I just think having an abortion will tear your relationship apart. It's not ideal, money wise, but I think there's ways around that, whereas you might never get over it if you get rid of a baby that you want.

Keep the house. That's important for your current children and yourself financial security. Can you have the baby in with you? Not ideal but better than nothing. And maybe long term annexe off a bit of another room as a tiny bedroom? Had a friend with 5 and her youngest slept in the pram in the hallway for ages but it worked!
Re baby stuff, get it all second hand / charity shop. Is your 16yo going to uni? If so that frees up a bit of space in 2 years. Can you make a cheeky little room in the loft, obviously safe but without having to incur all the expense of an extension?

I agree with Teddybear45. Also, there are larger families that live in smaller houses and flats than yours. Not ideal-but they do, they somehow make it work and it is doable. Like it has been said already little one can stay in your room until older one goes to uni. Also, if there is a worry of being laid off next year, i personally would start looking for another job that is hopefully better paid, as i will still have bills and mortgages to pay whether or not there is an extra little mouth to feed. I wouldn't wait until i am laid off to start looking-unless i know i will be entitled to a reasonably large redundancy pay which would tide us over until i found another job.

I wish you all the very best whatever you decide.

I would also stay where you are, don't go into rental that would be crazy. Agree with sofa bed in lounge (unless you have a dining room/garage) I don't agree that babies are expensive you will just have to buy second hand, I've recently helped a new mum and we managed to get everything she needed including a new mattress and car seat for under £150.
It's you that has to live with the decision, you've been a single mother before so you could do it again. I have nothing against abortion but from your posts I just don't think it's right for you.

Hi @ScaredMumma
I know families ( my own included) who have had an unexpected baby and to be honest we do all struggle a bit financially but you just deal with things as they come along. I don't regret my dc at all.

You should also look at property prices and rent levels and talk to your bank. Even if you do decide to rent a bigger place you don't have to sell your current house - letting it out might be much better financially.
Your bank might also be willing to lend you more for a bigger house if you keep your current one and let it out. We were looking at upgrading our flat to a house but the price was stretching our budget. The bank actually suggested it would give us a bigger mortgage if we keep the flat and let it because the rental prices had gone up substantially in our area.

If you want to keep your baby, keep him or her. The baby can sleep in your room for quite a while and in the not too distant future you'll probably be in a position to buy a bigger property.

Congratulations!

HI OP,

I had a wanted but very unexpected last baby. We managed with no outlay - I literally got everything second hand and because it was my third child and after a long break, I was just happy to get the stuff for free (and it was all really lovely, people are so happy to give you their beautiful old baby clothes and cots and prams because they no longer need them and they also want someone to use and love them again.

My DM and DF had my sister sleep in their bedroom with them until she was 4!!! (we had a small house, 4 DC and various relatives - we sound like a Roald Dahl book!). It was fine.

Please go and talk about this with someone neutral and discuss your feelings. Just as no man should be able to make you keep a baby, no man should be able to force you to have an abortion that you do not want. I am 100% pro choice but that includes the choice to keep a baby that you want to keep.

Please keep posting here for support.

Also, congratulations, and I would also keep the house - you can make a house fit, everyone who lives in Tokyo lives in a tiny space and they make it work.

If you need a bigger place in a few years, you could rent your house out and rent a larger home.

As others have said, it's a temporary space issue - would an 18 year old be staying over regularly anyway?

Look at what your house would rent out at, compared to the mortgage cost, you could rent somewhere larger, renting out your house for a couple of years.

Dont have an abortion you dont want to keep your dp happy, itll distroy your relationship anyway.

Keep the house-no way you should rent and not a great time to sell a house. You should both take out income protection insurance though-at least that will mitigate the risk of losing your job for a while

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate you sharing your thoughts and commenting :)
Last nights conversation moved to childcare costs - he’d had a look at the price of a local nursery and was amazed it cost £800-900 a month - his ex was a SAHM so he had no clue. My daughter was at nursery but my ex and I split the cost between us so were both just about able to manage, but neither me or my husband currently have £400 left each month to do that with this one - he doesn’t think even with loads of cutting back we’d manage it without us being totally skint and our children having nothing either.

He’s finally opened up about just how bad things got when he was with his ex - it was 2008/2009 and his company had gone to a three day week and made loads of redundancies, so he was earning hardly anything - it didn’t cover all the bills so they’d have to not pay some of them each month, and food/nappies etc all went on credit cards. It eventually drove them apart. He’s terrified of being back in that situation - I totally understand that, and can see why he’s thinking that could happen again. We’re stronger - we’ve been together a lot longer than they had before that happened, but the strain on a relationship would be huge for anyone in that position.

I’m scared that we could end up like that too, I’m just more optimistic that we won’t and we’ll find a way. He did say he’s not actually against us having a child together, if our financial situation was better he wouldn’t be worried, but he can’t ignore how he feels as much as I can’t ignore how I feel either.

We don’t have family close by who would be able to help out with childcare - they’re either still working age or already looking after another family child - or live a couple of hundred miles away, so we don’t really have options to keep costs down like that.

My husband is thinking long term and worst case scenario, i’m hoping for the best and wanting to take one step at a time.

My GP has referred me to the local clinic - she said it was better to do that now so I have the option available as soon as I decide and avoid delays, but that I can cancel right up until the procedure. I’m dreading getting that phone call to make an appointment.

I am so sorry you're going through this. You said that you both have OK salaries so is it definitely not possible to make the change to a 3 bed? Is there a big jump in price between a 2 and 3 bed where you live? You would get some help with childcare through the tax free childcare scheme, it's not loads but it helps. Sorry, I'm sure you've been through all of this already, but the financial side seems to be the only issue here which is really tough.

If you want this baby you can make it work - until they are 2-3 their cot can be in your room, baby stuff doesn't need to cost much - Ikea, Argos and Asda have very reasonably priced or buy secondhand, many things simply aren't needed. The biggest cost is loss of income or childcare, look into whether you will get help.

If I was in your position, I would definitely keep the baby. You will manage, when you have to you just do. A surprise baby how lovely, many congrats OP. Good luck.

Re childcare costs you get tax free childcare now which is 20% off the costs so you can also take that off which is a good chunk!

I think as others have said, there are ways around the house issue. Watch Tiny House Nation on Netflix and get inspired!

After 2 years old, with 2 parents working, you will be entitled to a lot more free hours, but the first 2 years will be hard and yes, things like phones, gifts, holidays might need to go. Hopefully your children are at an age where they could understand why and it's a great lesson to teach them about putting people before things.

The baby is a long term 'investment'. There will be hard/ dry couple of years but then also lots of good lessons to have come from that, for the whole family. It's just whether DH wants to embrace that in a positive way.

I had a termination for similar circumstances last year and thought I'd feel the way you described. I actually told my DP I'd hate him forever and would never ever forgive him for what he made me do. I was devastated (despite never wanting to be a mum I felt an immediate bond with the baby and was extremely possessive over it).

Your DH appears to be giving you a choice rather than forcing the decision on you. I felt forced - my DP cried, forced his opinion on me etc which made me kind of hate him for a while even though I knew he was right. We'd have no help with the baby, I couldn't really afford not to work, his job wasn't secure, we hadn't know each other long etc.

I think you have to be realistic and weigh up the pros and cons without too much of your feelings getting in the way.

It took me a few months for my hormones to settle but once they did I truly got over what happened even though at the time it felt like I never would. It hasn't affected our relationship, in fact it's better. He let me take my anger out on him and tell him I hated him etc and it eventually went away. His job situation sorted itself out eventually - but the timing fell several months after the baby would have been due so he was completely right - we wouldn't have been able to afford it.

Further to my previous post, I've just read your GP has referred you - this is excellent. I waited and waited hoping my DP would change his mind so I was around 12wks when I finally went in.
I truly wish I'd made my decision earlier as i couldn't have a surgical procedure at that stage and the only option left open to me was incredibly painful and distressing.