Torn between wanting to keep my baby and husbands logic not to

[ScaredMumma]

I’m 5 weeks pregnant. We have two children from previous relationships- 16 and 10. We did not plan this at all so it’s come as a huge shock to say the least.

We live in a 2 bed house, so when his daughter is here the girls share a bedroom. We’re squashed at the best of times and keep talking about needing to move, but the equity isn’t huge and we don’t have savings beyond emergencies. We both have decent jobs with ok salaries, so we’re reasonably comfortable as we are (if zero savings counts!)

If we keep this, it forces our hand - we’d have to move cos there’s no way we’d all fit! Selling the house shouldn’t be too difficult but we wouldn’t be able to buy anywhere else so we’d have to rent. Then we’d most likely end up using a fair chunk of equity to buy the more expensive baby things and to pay for childcare when I go back to work. I earn a little more than my husband at the moment and we can’t manage on his salary alone. My husband is also really worried about his job security- there used to be loads of overtime going but that’s rapidly drying up, so his opportunity to earn more isn’t really there at the moment. He thinks there could be lay-offs next year if things don’t improve.

So understandably he thinks I should go for an abortion. I understand his logic and fears, they’re not unreasonable at all. I feel them too.

But, I want to keep the baby. I hate the idea of an abortion (no judgement at all on anyone who has chosen to do that - I’m absolutely pro choice) because of the fact I want to keep it. I’m almost 39 - this is my last chance to have a baby so if we don’t go through with it there won’t be another time (husband wants to get the snip to avoid future accidents - reasonable!). The thought of going into the clinic pregnant and coming out not - it makes me feel sick and I just keep crying. Raging hormones probably not helping here!

I’m so torn. If I keep the baby I put our family in a very risky financial situation- we might never get back on the property ladder afterwards and if my husbands job goes the way he fears, things will get worse. But if I don’t I’ll have to live with it forever, I’d like to think I wouldn’t resent my husband for it but suspect I would at least in the short term.

I don’t know what to do. How do you choose which risk is worth taking?

Thanks @Doormat247
He’s giving me a choice, but he’s also angry and upset, telling me how terrified he is, so whilst it’s my choice ultimately, I’m feeling pressured by him to do what he wants - he’s not directly saying I have to have an abortion so I know it’s probably me being a bit irrational about it. At the moment I feel like I’ll never be able to get over it and I’ll end up hating him - I wouldn’t even be considering an abortion if it wasn’t for the things he’s saying. It’s really good to hear that you’ve been able to get past it - it does make me wonder if it might be possible.

I don’t think he is giving you a choice really - a real choice would be him saying “whatever you want to do I’ll support you 100%.” He’s not saying that - he wants you to abort. Could your relationship survive if you abort and later decide you regret it?

A few things - will the 16 year old be leaving home soon, eg for uni? That would free up space soon. Would you be entitled to any tax credits/universal credit or help with childcare costs due to low income? It’s worth finding out as it may not be as bad financially as you think.

It’s a very tough situation - I hope you are ok

Ps I went through a surgical termination for a much wanted baby who had disabilities. DH and I were 100% in agreement to end the pregnancy, but it was still tough to get over.

@ScaredMumma i think my hormones made me a bit unreasonable and I really did feel pressured - but when I look back I know he was just worried for us and our financial position. We had absolutely no one who could help us out with childcare etc and I had no friends to rely on for moral support. I was also worried that it would be my only chance to have a baby as I was 34 and he said he never wanted kids and would prefer to get the snip.

I read an awful lot on the internet about the situation and heard from lots of people who say they haven't gotten over their termination and for a couple of months I felt that way - and then it passed. I felt the change in my hormones and everything just went back to normal.

As someone recently in this position (same age, two kids from previous relationship, DP didn't want the baby, I did) I can only tell you that I regret having an abortion.
It's having a terrible effect on my relationship with DP-some days I can't even look at him tbh. And I am miserable.
It wouldn't have been the most practical thing for us to have a baby now but I'm angry with myself that I was swayed by that argument-people have had babies in far worse circumstances and that was my last chance I think...

If you don't want to have an abortion, you absolutely shouldn't do so. Your DH is worried that financial issues might drive you apart, but you having an abortion when you don't want one could also do this. Could he get some counseling to help manage his fears?

Would it help you to agree to sit down and map out the ways forward, in the most unbiased way that you both can, and any risks? And how likely those risks would be?

Space isn't ideal but I have a friend who has just been given a three bed house, before that she lived with her partner and their four children in a one bed. Not ideal, but housing stock is in short supply here, and they made it work. The adults slept in the living room, pulling the sofa into a bed, the kids all shared the bedroom once they were old enough not to cry and wake the others up. Their kids are 12,11,4 and 3. You could make it work, if you wanted.

Job wise, if he is seriously concerned about no overtime and possible redundancy, is he job hunting now? It's no good raising that as a significant risk to keeping the baby but doing nothing about it.

Childcare wise, have you looked at the childcare schemes? Could one or both of you work consolidated hours, so you need less childcare?

You're at odds, and all you can really do is talk it through. All the best

You say you are feeling pressured. That's not right. You should not be pressured into making a decision that you don't want. Especially this one. This is your choice. If you want too continue the pregnancy...that should be enough. Yes, there may be tough times, but that does not warrant you being pressured into an abortion you don't want.

I think you could make this work if you were both on board with having the baby. You could reduce childcare costs massively by both asking about flexible working such as compressed hours. If you both worked a 4 day week you would only have 3 days of childcare to pay for. I work full-time hours over 4 days. If you both worked 3 long days and dropped some hours, you would only have one day not covered. You may not be in jobs where this is possible but if you can present a way of it working too your employer's they have to at least consider it. There is no way I would have an abortion against what my heart is telling me. You will never regret having the baby once it is here.... you will just find a way of muddling through. However, feeling coerced into an abortion is something that is likely to affect you emotionally for a long time.

The 16 year old will stay over less often (it's an age thing) and the baby can be in your room. Can the sittingroom be used as a bedroom?

So the 16 year old is only almost 16 and in year 11, she wants to go to uni when the time comes, which would give us a bit more space, but I’m reluctant to rely on that - it feels unfair to her to wait til she leaves and for her not to have her own space to come back to, at least until she’s “properly” left home - if that makes sense?!

Husbands job might not go - he’s fearing the worst cos he’s been through it before so it’s traumatic for him. He’s not really looking elsewhere - it’s quite specific what he does so he has limited options where his salary would at least be matched. His organisation is rubbish when it comes to flexible working - they don’t do it. I’ve heard about lots of people who’ve put requests in for really quite minor adjustments but they’re always refused. So my assumption is that he’ll be working from either 7 or 8am til 4.30pm every day forever!

Where I work is great for flexibility - so I could almost definitely return to work with a different pattern.

I’ve managed to find a local counselling place that specialises in supporting women dealing with this sort of thing, so I’m booked to talk to them on Tuesday in case talking to someone like that helps me - unless my husband changes his mind over the weekend and/or we win the lottery and I can cancel it! Here’s hoping!

I really appreciate everyone taking the time to comment xx

Your dp has been in that situation before and it's all fine. His kid lived, he coped with having no money, he's affluent now. No one has any idea of the future either in way.

It’s got to be what’s right for you. Having a child might put severe stress on your relationship but having an abortion you don’t want because he’s pressuring you to do so would also put severe stress on your relationship. You’re the one who has to live with your choice. Life is unpredictable. In 5 years time you might be happily with your DH, you might be divorced, you might be with someone else. Try to put him out of your mind and think about what you want to do.

Get all the facts so you can make an informed decision.

Once you speak to the place on Tuesday you will have a clearer picture.

On a practical level re space, can you expand into the loft if needs be, or put a false wall up to make a dining room into a bedroom or anything?

Your dp will be freaking out due to what happened before. I get that. But it doesn’t follow that this will happen again. You could work full time and he could be a sahd. Who knows. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

I don't think abortion sounds like it's an option for you. I think if you go through with it, it will purely be because of DH feelings about it, and in the long run, you will resent him for it. I'd also have concerns about the effect it may have on your mental health if it isn't really what you want.
Tell him how you feel and you can't go through with it. You may have some Rocky times ahead, whilst he adjusts to it, but once baby is here, neither of you will regret it.

NCT sales, you're both experienced parents who won't buy all the unnecessary crap - the space will be doable.

I am vehemently pro-choice and this very much sounds like your choice to keep this baby.

Be warned though, I had my first at 39 and it was utterly knackering. I felt about 100 next to all the young mums

I don't think you're being optimistic about the financial side I think you're being naive and burying your head in the sand.

Your husband is not the one taking choices away, he is the one grounded in reality pointing out the things you seem unwilling to face. It's unfair and unhelpful to paint this as something he is forcing on you rather than circumstances.

Selling the house shouldn’t be too difficult but we wouldn’t be able to buy anywhere else so we’d have to rent

This - and what followed - is a truly spectacular idea. If you really want to create choices then sit down and do proper financial planning, that doesn't involve such disastrous ideas or relying on magically finding an extra £800 a month when there is no credible basis for that happening.

Also, when your eldest child goes to university won't you be supporting them?

I would say if you are not 100% certain on having an abortion then don't. Lots of abortion regretters.

I think you know that you will keep the baby and that the arguments your DP is putting forward - while completely understandable - are not enough to make you go through with an abortion you don't want.

You will make it work. Good luck.

I never wanted children but found myself pregnant a couple of years ago. I wanted an abortion at first, but due to various delays had to wait for a month. By that time, I wanted to keep it but was too scared to say so and do it alone, because the father was very against keeping it.

So I had the abortion and thought I'd be fine. I wasn't. It was emotionally agonising. I ended up with PTSD and terrible anxiety. I was so angry all of the time. I'm much better now, but just last night I dreamt I had the choice to keep the baby again and today feel dreadful again.

I thought I was sure of my choice, and didn't want kids, and it destroyed me. Don't have an abortion to please your husband. Only have one if it is what you want.

It doesn't seem like your husband is giving you a real "choice" here - just trying to get you to agree with his point of view...

To be honest if I felt like you I would keep the baby - only because you seem to very strongly want to and I'd worry about the impact of not over the impact of everything else you've described in terms of risk. You can make the property you are in work for you initially - the baby could be in with you for up to a year potentially which gives you some time to work out your space situation and it's a long time until they would be at school. I dont know if the 16 year old or 10 year old lives with you but if it's the 16 year old they'll surely be moving out for uni in the next couple of years too which makes a difference.

This is so incredibly hard. One sentence jumped out at me which I feel really answers your question-

" I wouldn’t even be considering an abortion if it wasn’t for the things he’s saying. "

😭 I think you have to find a way to help him in this situation to see that you want the baby and it's different this time. Could he look for another job now, which might offer more flexible hours?? Then maybe he'd feel less worried about his current work situation and feel like he's more in control?

I really think couple counselling could be the answer 😕 it saved our relationship (different circumstances.) Good luck.

Op how did you get on?

@Jesskir89 we’re still going round in circles really.

My counselling appointment was helpful, I’m really glad I did that. It was good to be able to talk about exactly how I’m feeling and say it all out loud. Didn’t get me closer to deciding and I cried a lot, but still glad I did it.

I’ve also had an initial appointment at the abortion clinic. They were brilliant. So I’m keeping my options open for a little longer.

We’ve got some estate agents coming round over the next couple of days to value the house so we can sit down this weekend and work our what’s really possible financially. I don’t want to make decisions based on panic, but we have to be realistic.

I don’t honestly know which way it’s going to go. Might buy some extra lottery tickets this weekend too - just in case!