Just found out it’s a boy... irrationally worried?

[MaryH90]

I’m 18 weeks pregnant and already have a DD. We found out today that we’re having a little boy. I’m over the moon and so excited to meet our son when he arrives. However, as ridiculous as it is some of the worries I had before finding out have surfaced. It sounds silly but one of the best things about having a DD is that I can envisage having a lovely close relationship with her when she’s an adult, being with her when she has her babies, picking her wedding dress, going for days out together, sharing her excitement about her life as it moves on. I’m aware this may not happen but I hope that it will.

My only worry about having a little boy is that when he reaches adulthood he will have his own life and I’ll be lucky to see him a few times a year and receive the odd text (experience of my own brothers with my mum here, not bad people just not particularly active in terms of contact). The idea of this already breaks my heart. I realise this may just be silly pregnancy hormones but it’s really playing on my mind. I know I’m being daft so no need to tell me this but looking for some positive experiences of this from other people? Or advice as to how to get rid of these thoughts and focus on my excitement.

I think hormones are definitely playing a part here. You have jumped so far into the future worrying about something that may not happen that you are at risk of ruining your experience of pregnancy.

My husband is in contact with his family just as much as I am with mine. They are not the easiest people and he still makes the effort with them and so do I. We keep them involved in the dcs lives and he is close with his mum.

Just because your baby is a boy, doesn't mean he will disown you as soon as he gets older.

I have one of each, and they are both my whole world. It's really lovely having a girl and a boy, so just focus on that rather than worrying so far into the future.

My boys are 6 and 2 so I can’t reassure you on what your future relationship with him might be like. But there are tons of men who have good healthy (and close) relationships with their mothers. It’s how you raise them that’s important. Boys are ace! (So far, anyway 😂)

I have two boys (7 & 14 months) obviously not grown yet but we have such wonderful relationships! My eldest loves spending time with me. Every evening we curl up on the sofa together and read Harry Potter.

My DH is one of 3 boys and they all see their mum every other Sunday pretty much ( or during the week for the elder one who
Lives closer) they have a fantastic relationship with MIL and I hope my boys will be similar with me when I'm older

No one can predict the nature of your relationships 20 years from now.... but.....

I had a DD and pregnant with the second I saw myself with another. I was quite shocked when he was born to have a boy; I felt I didn’t know what to do somehow and worried about how our bond would be long term.

Now at 10 and 8 my DS is the one who snuggles up, asks for opinions, says his mum is ‘the best’ and can’t bear to be away. He is the most loving and genuine person. DD is meanwhile huffing and puffing and being embarrassed by me and nothing I do is ‘cool’. And all this will change and juxtapose again, I know.

You’ll be just fine. Enjoy things for what they are and teach him good relationships and all will be well. Little (and big) boys are wonderful.

When you have children I think it's not what they can do for you, but what you do for them.
You mother them until they can stand on their own 2 feet and then you have them off into the great world, knowing you have given them the best childhood you could.
They don't have to become your best friend , they don't have to provide you with entertainment possibilities ( wedding dresses for example, your daughter may never want one ).

I see my mum and, consequently, she sees my DS, a lot more often than my DMIL does. Not because I dislike her, she's lovely, but naturally I'm closer to my own mum and DH, although close to his parents, doesn't have quite as close a relationship.

So I worry about this too sometimes, especially if DS ends up being an only child. I worry I won't see him or any grandkids very often while my future DIL's family will see them all the time. Crazy, i know!

I want to have a close relationship with DS when he grows up (I don't care if being a 'mummy's boy' isn't cool) but I'll obviously just have to see what happens.

I think we have to remember though that there are plenty of women who have little or no relationship with their mothers and plenty of men who have good ones. There's no guarantee you'll have the relationship with your DD that you imagine (though I hope you do!)

I know what you mean as I am so close to my mom and my two brothers aren’t so much. I had my boy a few months ago and I love being a boy mom so so much; I do sometimes think about this but I also have female friends of my own who just aren’t close to their moms at all, so there’s certainly no guarantee! Lots of people told me boy babies are more loving in liking cuddles and kisses and that certainly seems the case for my little one compared to my mom friends with girls!

Thank you to everyone who sent a lovely response it’s been really reassuring. I think my personal experience within my own family has definitely coloured my view on this.

Victoriabun I don’t need you to tell me what being a mother is. I don’t need ‘entertainment’ from them. I’m just hoping for the same close relationship I have with my own mum. She is the one who told me how much her heart breaks when she heads home after the odd sparodic visit she can get to see her sons and their children. Of course as the vast majority of mums do I will be raising them to be strong independent adults. I don’t want them to be my best friends i would just like to still be a part of their lives and their kids lives when they’re fully grown. Any mother who says she doesn’t hope for the same thing is either kidding herself or everyone else. But thank you for phrasing your post as if I’m some kind of unusual selfish breed of mother.

My brothers are all much closer to my mum than I am!

My DH is very close to his family even though I feel he often makes far more effort with them than they do with him. We have several family WhatsApp groups etc and I’m sure social media will progress so keeping in touch will be even easier in a few decades’ time to help maintain a close and frequent relationship with family.

It’s nice to hear of people’s experiences of close adult son- mum relationships. My DH loves his mum but only remembers her birthday or mother’s day because I remind him to get her a gift! I had to remind him to call his mum to share the news today which hadn’t even occurred to him. Whereas I called mine as soon as I stepped out of the scan!

Hormones hormones hormones...

I have two sons and we are so close, they are my children and there is no reason why the closeness won't continue for the rest of our lives.

On the other hand, my mother has not spoken to her daughter (me) in six years. She has never met my children, doesn't know where I live and wasn't invited to my wedding.

Relationships are way more than what sex you are. Boys are amazing, you are very lucky!!

Oh and my husband calls his mum practically every day!

I definitely feel lucky to be having a boy. It’s been amazing having a little girl but can’t wait to experience life with a son!

My two sons have both phoned today. One is 32 and wanted to know whether we could go for lunch next week (he lives a 90 minute drive away), and the other (19) was letting me know what he’s been up to (just gone back to uni) and wanted to know when I’d be visiting.

This year they’ve both been on holiday with us- with partners.

Don’t worry .

Sigh, not this again.

You and your daughter have been socially conditioned since birth to be close to your mother. Your brothers and possibly now your future son will be conditioned into believing that sons don't contact their mothers, don't go round for a cup of tea, don't go shopping, on holiday etc etc.

You have a chance to model behaviour and the relationship that you want with your children. If you raise your children to believe that a daughter is naturally closer then that's exactly what will happen.

If you are as involved in your sons life as you are your daughters then there's no reason why you can't be as close to both. With going shopping with your daughter on a Saturday and going for a regular pub roast with your son on a Sunday.

I won't lie, I too thought 'oh no, no wedding dress shopping, no joint hair dresser appointments, I'll never hear from them again when they leave home' when I had my son's. Now I have come to think that if I want to have them involved in my life then I need to be involved as equally in theirs. I'll go to football matches, take them to the pub - do man stuff. Hopefully then they'll become more interested in doing more 'woman' stuff with me.

We need to move away from this idea that men aren't as emotionally connected to their families as women are.

It’s nice to hear of people’s experiences of close adult son- mum relationships. My DH loves his mum but only remembers her birthday or mother’s day because I remind him to get her a gift! I had to remind him to call his mum to share the news today which hadn’t even occurred to him. Whereas I called mine as soon as I stepped out of the scan!

Then it is up to you to bring your DS up to know the importance of these things and not repeat the cycle of your DH in making him believe he is exempt from having to remember because of his sex.

I think YANBU. I don’t know any men who see their parents more than twice a year or when they want something. Obviously that’s not the case for all boys and men but that’s my experience.

My DH sees his Mum most weekends and often calls or messages her in the week. He also sees his sister every week. He has great relationships with them both.

Me with my family, not so much! My MIL was equally involved in our wedding as my DM. She also see’s our children far more frequently.

I have an DD and younger DS. I love having one of each - my DS is a complete Mummy’s boy at the moment in ways my DD never has been.

Bootsuit that’s a good point, at least I’ll always have an excuse to go to the pub! 😉

It’s a self fulfilling prophecy.

at I can envisage having a lovely close relationship with her when she’s an adult, being with her when she has her babies, picking her wedding dress, going for days out together, sharing her excitement about her life as it moves on

Why can’t you do this with a boy? Except maybe substitute dress for suit.

What do you envisage doing with your son? Many people seem to get tied up in this vision of mother/daughter girly stuff and can’t even think if anything to do with their boys.

Therefore the relationship with their sons never develops and if course they don’t stick around.

Fwiw my mum had two dd’s. One likes all the girl stuff above and they are really close, go shopping, mum looks after their children etc.

The other doesn’t like “girly” activities, and gets pissed off that all her mum wants to do is shop, get nails done and what not, and have a go at said dd for not looking like she’s enjoying it. We are not close and she doesn’t see much of our family. Last thing i wanted was her anywhere near me when i gave birth and i eloped rather than have to do all the wedding dress stuff.

Treat your children as children. Get to know them. Find out what they like and dislike. Find things to do that both if you enjoy. Don’t push them into “boy” and “girl” boxes, and expect their likes to match their genitalia.

If your children enjoy spending time with you they will continue to do so into adulthood.

I have two daughters and 4 sons
The boys stay in touch with me far more than the girls do!
I had the same fears but honestly boys don’t just hit 18 and refuse to speak to you!

I’m glad other people worry about this to some extend. I discussed it with my DH today and he looked at me like I’d grown another head and said ‘of course it’ll be like that! All men are like that!’

of course it’ll be like that! All men are like that!

No they aren’t. They are socialised to be like that.

I find it incredibly sad people let their relationships with their sons lapse because of ridiculous gender stereotyping.

Bluebluezoo interesting point. I wonder whether the issue comes down to whether or not the parent and child have shared interests or not. Myself, my mums and my sister like similar things, day trips to nice places, going for meals, shopping now and then. However I presume we wouldn’t do these things if we didn’t all mutually enjoy it.