Just found out it’s a boy... irrationally worried?

[MaryH90]

I’m 18 weeks pregnant and already have a DD. We found out today that we’re having a little boy. I’m over the moon and so excited to meet our son when he arrives. However, as ridiculous as it is some of the worries I had before finding out have surfaced. It sounds silly but one of the best things about having a DD is that I can envisage having a lovely close relationship with her when she’s an adult, being with her when she has her babies, picking her wedding dress, going for days out together, sharing her excitement about her life as it moves on. I’m aware this may not happen but I hope that it will.

My only worry about having a little boy is that when he reaches adulthood he will have his own life and I’ll be lucky to see him a few times a year and receive the odd text (experience of my own brothers with my mum here, not bad people just not particularly active in terms of contact). The idea of this already breaks my heart. I realise this may just be silly pregnancy hormones but it’s really playing on my mind. I know I’m being daft so no need to tell me this but looking for some positive experiences of this from other people? Or advice as to how to get rid of these thoughts and focus on my excitement.

My brother's far closer, emotionally and physically, to my mum than I am. I've 4dcs, 1dd and 3ds, whatever relationship they want to have with me in the future is really up to them, their sex is immaterial.

DH speaks to his Mom most days, we see her at least once a week usually, she came wedding dress shopping with me and came iny hen do. DH isn't really into the theatre etc so I go with her a few times a year. She does occasional child care for us but sees our DS regardless. His brother onoh lives further away, visits every month or every other month, calls maybe once a week and is just less "in contact" with her. They both love her equally, just different personalitoes

I think a lot of male teens are more caught up in gaming and going out with their mates than spending time with their mums. Actually, I don’t know any men except one who sees/speaks to their parents regularly but all the women I know are in frequent contact

OP with all due respect you are romanticising the mother daughter relationship.

My friend’s mum was the same and expected them to be besties and to be there to choose the wedding dress etc etc/ to be chief confidente and at the end of the phone constantly.
Friend found it so suffocating that she jumped at the chance when offered a move abroad with her job and had never come back.

My DH was very close to his mum but she didn’t respond well to him moving in with his girlfriend before me and she smothered their relationship to the point he also now holds her at arms length. She still thinks of him as a little boy.

My mum however has her own life and whilst loving and interested in us all, gets on with things and travels and lives her life with her own friends. I have a fair number of siblings of both sexes and we have all gone in and out of being the closest to her over the years.

Relationships will depend on many things- personality, interests, geography, other significant others.

Just be a lovely mum and that’s your side dealt with. Don’t expect a closeness they may not want. Be glad if it happens but don’t make assumptions.

I've just spent a lovely afternoon and evening with my 25 year old son. He has his own place but came to see me and his aunties and then took me out for dinner. We're really close and I see him loads. I don't think I would have been any closer to a daughter.

Whatevskev I think you’re right. I don’t want to be the kind of mum that’s overbearing and smothering to her children because she’s worried they may become distant. I know it’s often because of this approach that children stop wanting a close relationship with their parent(s) and really don’t want to make that mistake. I hope that these worries are just a silly result of pregnancy hormones and an emotional day and that they pass quickly. I do want to just enjoy raising them without worrying about the future all of the time.

I have a boy who is nearly forty. We are as close as ever, he lives his own life, travels a lot with work and telephones nearly every day. When he's in England we see a lot of each other, go out to dinner etc.

Don't worry about what may never happen. Every son is different.

Victoriabun I found your post really helpful actually.
My parents raised me to be independent and to value education and travel so I suppose it was inevitable I moved away to university and stayed in another part of the UK. But thank goodness for telephones and easyjet, you can be close to someone nowadays even if living further away. I find I need to think of things to do with teenage ds as he has his dad for football and friends for everything else - so now we go to the gym together and watch certain series on tv and that is "our" thing.

I tend to believe you reap what you sow with your kids. If you foster and nourish your relationships with both your children then there’s no reason why you shouldn’t still be close to them when they are adults. Don’t fall into the trap of doing everything with your dd and leaving ds to do stuff with his dad. I’ve seen that happen so many times and then the mum wonders why they never hear from their adult ds.

@missyB1 thanks another good point. My DH was already expressing excitement about taking DS along with him to one of his favourite hobbies which I think would be great for them both. But I think you’re right that it may be up to me to find something we both enjoy to do together too. I imagined the mother son relationship to be a passive thing that developed over time naturally but it’s true that it may need fostering with more effort from the parent to find mutual interests.

I want my sons to go and live their lives, hopefully somewhere exciting without giving me a second thought. I didn’t have children to spend my retirement with them. I had them so they could be independent creatures and hopefully have exciting and fulfilling lives.

Don’t hold your kids back whatever their sex. Just let them go and if they want to spend time with you, great. If they don’t that’s fine too.

Women’s relationships with their sons often replicates their own relationships with their husband’s side of the family. If the son sees that it’s normal for the woman’s side of the family to get pride of place over the dad’s then he will replicate that dynamic when he gets married. Similarly if they see their dad make an effort with their grans then boys tend to make more of an effort with their mums.

I was given some really useful advice from a therapist about this. When you are worrying about the future, it isn't about what will happen or what is happening now, it's about your past experiences which you are imprinting on a future you are imagining, i.e. there is no truth in your worries, I hope that makes sense and helps!

I have two boys aged 14&18 and a daughter of 16. My boys cuddle me every day, especially when thanking me for their meals, going out and coming back home. They text back much quicker than dd does. It's about the person and the relationship you have with them, not what's in their pants defining their gender.

Your husband needs to get with the programme of taking his daughter with him to hobbies too.

I have two adult sons. They are very different to each other but I am close to both of them. One is still at home but, due to work and other commitments we hardly see him. Doesn't stop him sharing plans with us or sharing updates on the progress of work on the house he's soon moving to. He also buys gifts that are spot on for the recipient. Other son lives with his partner and their child. We see them loads - have dgs a couple of days each week whilst DCs and DIL work. We see them at other times, not just when we're caring for dgs. Is contacts us often or pops in for a chat. We are their first port of call in an emergency and both Dh and DIL ask our advice or help when they need it.
OTOH, I phone my mum weekly, wouldn't go shopping with her if you paid me and definitely do not share much info about my life with her - if I did I might as well take out a full page as in the local paper, since she doesn't understand the words 'private', 'confidential '. And I couldn't imagine anything worse than to have had her at the birth of my children or when I wentwedding dress shopping!

I would also say I have a lot of shared interests with my sons but none with my mum!

Not rtft sorry but this is why I make such an effort with mil. If my son sees us involving her all the time, even when it makes me want to scream, then I hope they will grow up thinking that it's normal to include both sets of gransparents.

I have a 2 year old DS and he is just lovely and all snuggles mixed with cheekiness. And currently 36 weeks pregnant, we don't know what we're having but I understand the mixed feelings about having something different to what you already have. I keep thinking what on earth would I do with a girl after having a boy haha and all the teenage hormones when I think back to what I put my own mother through! So it definitely works both ways and I think it's normal to have these thoughts as long as it's not sucking the joy out of the current situation 😊 so as long as he or she is safe and healthy, I don't care what we get, they're going to complete our little family either way!
So although I can't say what will happen 20 years down the line, I can say that my DP has a great relationship with his DM, he goes to the pub with her, chats, jokes, is always there for her and because we live next door, he's always on hand for tech support! My own brother lives in London but he and my mum are very close, he calls alot and is generally a very caring son and never let's her forget it.
So don't worry, it's not about having a boy or a girl, it's about who they are. They're part of you and your DP and that's what will make them fantastic people 😊 Good luck xxx

My gorgeous 8 year old DS said he wants to go on a date with me yesterday ❤️ Having a son is the best OP. (He also wants to marry me quite often!)
Enjoy being a Mummy. I love it when they aren't fighting!

I worried about this too if I’m honest but again it all comes from my own family dynamic. But I can honestly say my little boy is jmuch more tactile and affectionate than my little girl. It’s such a wonderful bond......even though he hides it from people he still gets into bed with me for a cuddle before school and tells me he loves me and gives me sneaky kisses nearly everytime I see him.

I have an incredibly close relationship with my DS and we see each other all the time. I'm also very close to my DIL as her DM passed away years ago and her DF lives abroad.

People don't talk about mothers and sons for nothing... prepare to have your heart utterly stolen... same as other PPs. I'm just as close to my DS as DD and my brother is much better at keeping in touch with my mum than my DSis or me. Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy and enjoy the wonderful world of boys.

I'm lucky to be very close to my adult DD and DS. My DS lives very nearby and my wonderful DIL is like another daughter to me - we often do things together and really enjoy each others' company. I know it doesn't always work out like this, but it certainly can.

You are really overthinking all this, given that your son isn't even born yet. Boys/men are just people, some will like the things that you like and some won't. My eldest son loves animals, parkrun, camping and baking which are all things I love too, so we do those things together. Not all boys are only interested in football. Neither are all girls interested in spa days, shopping for fun and getting their nails done - I can't imagine a more boring way to spend my time that that and I'm a woman.

Wait and meet your son, get to know him and engage in the things that he is interested in.

It’s funny the things pregnancy hormones make us think of isn’t it? Try not to worry about what might happen in 20 years and enjoy the pregnancy and baby years.

I’m lucky that I’m close to my family, and DP is to his. We see his more because we live closer (mine live 3 hours away).

Ultimately, it depends what kind of adults your little people turn into, but I’m sure you’ll provide them with the best possible start and they will love you and want to be in contact as adults.