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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Please don't judge...

93 replies

KDF011194 · 14/09/2019 15:42

Hi all

So recently discovered I'm pregnant after trying since January!

However I don't know who the father is

I last did it unprotected with my husband on the 16th August, we then (as our relationship isn't great at the moment - I was planning on leaving before any of this happened, and am still planning to) decided to stop for awhile as we didn't seem to getting anywhere and perhaps this was causing some of our problems (it isn't) but still I was relieved. I was due to ovulate the following Friday, so the 23rd

I then, stupidly, I know these things 'don't just happen' ended up in bed with my best friend. We used a condom. This was 2 days before I was due to ovulate, so the 21st

I was suspicious that I was pregnant but waited a week to take the test, but the possibility of who the father would be was driving me mad so I want to the doctors and they said due to how long sperm live once inside a woman it is unlikely my husband is the father and that it is my friends even though we used protection. So to me that was doctor speak for 'it's your friends but I can't say that in case I'm wrong and you sue me'

However my line manager (who is lovely and I confined in) said that she thinks she got pregnant at the beginning and ends of her cycle so could have gotten pregnant at any time. I don't think that's right, if even the doctor is saying it's most likely my friends?

Plus if me and my husband have been trying for 8 months and nothing has happened and now I sleep with my friend two days before I ovulate and now I'm pregnant?

I know I ovulated on time as I got the little cramps I get around that time on the right day

I'm planning to leave my husband next week anyway, I would have told by now and left but me and my friend need to tell our other halves at the same time so they don't tell each other as that's not fair

OP posts:
Bookworm4 · 14/09/2019 20:39

I’m smelling a lot of shite here, trying to get pregnant, shagging away with husband but now you’ve shagged your pal and poss pregnant; you’re leaving, hubby is a control freak. Aye ok, next.

MissPepper8 · 14/09/2019 20:52

Actually I can't stop thinking this, when did you last test? Have you done a digital clearblue? My first thing thing to do would be to get a digital test or 60 quid would get you an early scan (and if you can't afford 60 quid between you for a situation like this, you shouldn't of been thinking of having children).

TheCatsACunt · 14/09/2019 20:52

If you can't afford the test, may be you could have a collection; if everyone you've told put in a few quid, that may cover it

She could pass a hat around to all the potential fathers to cover it?

dollytutu · 14/09/2019 21:05

It sounds to me like you don't want to believe it's your husband, I take it with what your saying your leaving husband to have a relationship with your friend? Just because you've tried for 8 months doesn't mean for one minute it's not your husbands, if you used contraception then I would say it's most likely not your friends.
Also if you took a rest a week after you ovulated it wouldn't show as it takes two weeks to show (some tests slightly before) so i personally think you ovulated earlier than you think, it's your husbands baby I would say and with sounds of things this will complicate things for you?!
Don't mean to sound judgy I'm just saying it blankly how I see it 😂 these things do happen and you probably feel bad enough already hope you get sorted

MidnightMystery · 14/09/2019 21:16

Defo could be your husbands I think it's more likely to be your husbands baby.

Juliephine · 14/09/2019 21:18

Firstly stop stressing. Your due date is from your last missed period when you have your first scan they will let you know.

Although in text books a cycle is roughly 28 days that is counted as the first day of your period usually you ovulate around day 12/14 of your cycle. Sperm can survive in the womans body for a few days and its always best to have them effectively waiting for when you ovulate to get pregnant.

Even if you had sex with your friend you may have ovulated prior to the sex and have been fertilised by your husband. If you used a condom although not 100% guaranteed to be a safe form of contraception correctly used then it is unlikely that any sperm of his reached you. Unless there was contact with fingers and precum or premature ejaculation.

You can either have an amnio test and accept any of the risks involved or wait until after the baby is born for a dna test.

If you have made the decision to leave your hisband anyway you know that you'll be going through all this on your own. I have been there its not easy but as long as you have some good friends around you thats all you really need.

You want this baby and no matter whos it is first and foremost he or she is yours and its the love that counts not the biology.

You need the father to come to the registry office to be named on the birth certificate so if you decide not to name him then go register the birth yourself.

Goodluck and enjoy your new baby x

Boobindoop · 14/09/2019 21:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HereWeGoNow · 14/09/2019 21:43

How long is your cycle usually and is it very regular? When was your next period due?

Choochoopop · 14/09/2019 21:54

I would assume it's your husband's baby mainly based on proper condom usage. I'm not going to be mean because you have a precious little one growing inside you who needs love and not stress. For now, just focus on you being a good mummy and figure out who you want at the birth. Best of luck with the pregnancy and leaving your husband. I hope you have a good support network who will help make it as stress free as possible. And if you're scared of your husband, make sure you have whatever help you need (restraining order/ get in touch with a domestic violence charity, for example)

Squiff70 · 14/09/2019 22:00

I thought DNA tests were £80-100 @SleepingStandingUp. You're right, there is a big difference.

OP, you need to tell your husband and work this out together.

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 14/09/2019 22:07

What is it you need help with OP?

CmdrCressidaDuck · 14/09/2019 23:17

Dating scans and due date will not do anything to establish paternity with sex with two different men five days apart - the margin of error on dating scans is + or - 7 days. A DNA test will have to be performed either pre or postnatally, and in the meantime it must be assumed that it could be either man's. All this needs to come out.

timshelthechoice · 14/09/2019 23:42

You can either have an amnio test and accept any of the risks involved

No one is going to do an amniocentesis on a person for purposes of establishing paternity. It is a diagnostic test with risk that is done to determine genetic and chromosomal abnormalities in the foetus.

And I hate to have to say it, but if you are married at the time the child is born you cannot simply leave off your h's name.

Assuming this is real Grin, the OP wants the child to be her friend's and has convinced herself of this.

The reality is that it is entirely likely it's her husband's.

so I want to the doctors and they said due to how long sperm live once inside a woman it is unlikely my husband is the father and that it is my friends even though we used protection. So to me that was doctor speak for 'it's your friends but I can't say that in case I'm wrong and you sue me'

This is just delusional. 🤣🤣 I mean, seriously, said no HCP ever. Yeah, this happened. 🤣

timshelthechoice · 14/09/2019 23:47

Sperm can live up to 5 days.

Funny how this 'doctor' didn't take swabs for STIs seeing as that you and your mate are boinking around or advise you visit a GUM clinic for STI screening but instead sat around speculating on paternity which they'd never have done in a million years because, being medics, he/she would know in a case like yours that it is entirely indeterminate but, based on balance of probabilities, your h's due to your having used a condom with your mate.

SleepingStandingUp · 15/09/2019 01:15

@Squiff70 that's what op quoted, I wouldn't have a clue

babbez · 15/09/2019 06:52

You really need to tell both as you don't know who the dad is and won't til baby's born. I'd imagine whoever the dad is wants to be involved with the birth and taking care of baby.

You're obviously not going to get a DNA test immediately, so you need to figure out how it's all going to work out.

And I think you and OM should really be paying for the test. Controlling or not it's not your husband's fault this situation has come about.

HJWT · 15/09/2019 07:00

Op unless you took OPK's everyday then no you don't know when you ovulated regardless of whether you had your 'usual ovulation cramps'

Tell them both theres a chance and do a test once baby is here...

nonmerci · 15/09/2019 08:07

Just slightly aghast at you continuing to TTC with a man you ‘knew you wanted to leave’ Hmm.

If you definitely used a condom with your friend and it didn’t split, it’s almost definitely your husband’s baby. Ovulation can happen earlier or later than usual during any cycle, it’s not unheard of and sperm can live up to five days in hospitable conditions I.e your fertile window.

If you didn’t actually use a condom or you know it was jeopardised in some way then yes, it could be your friend’s. Either way, you both need to tell your partner’s and I hope his GF and your husband get a clean break and leave you both to it.

hlo91 · 15/09/2019 15:13

Corrrr... some people are savage.

Very funny how people on here like they've never made a mistake or hurt someone in their own lives.

You are all not perfect.. Halo

Rachelover60 · 15/09/2019 15:19

Ihopeyourcakeisshit
If you used a condom without any problems it's really highly unlikely it's your friend's.
...........
That's what I was thinking.

HJWT · 15/09/2019 16:29

@hlo91 If i decided I didn't want to be with my DH id end it before sleeping with my mate actually!

Within a week of deciding to stop trying she also decided to end her relationship and made the 'mistake' of sleeping with her friend who is also in a relationship Hmm

timshelthechoice · 15/09/2019 16:41

Mistakes I have made: didn't take the handbrake off when I started to drive and fried the entire brake (age 17); melted my flatmate's chopping board by leaving it on the hob I'd turned on; set a teatowel on fire by leaving it on the hob and turning the wrong ring on; leaving my passport at home when we were leaving for the airport; putting some things in the dryer that didn't belong there; losing stuff; shagging my best friend's brother when we were 18 and 19 (both single); choosing the wrong degree course; a few one night stands when I was single; staying with my dull boyfriend too long; cutting my children's nails too close to the quick; accidentally sending a text to my boss with a shopping list meant for my husband.

None of it which includes actively TTC with a person I intend to leave and then shagging someone else who is attached and then deciding the child I'm carrying in the attached friend's because I know longer want to be with my husband.

hlo91 · 15/09/2019 18:00

She knows she's messed up, so what do you achieve but making her feel worse?

Absolutely diddly squat.

Get off your high horse.

People mess up daily. Just cos you haven't made the EXACT same mistake as you clearly love to share that, doesn't mean anything.

She's asked for support, not a lecture.

timshelthechoice · 15/09/2019 18:08

What high horse? She didn't ask for support just spewed the whole sordid story out, which she also appears to have done to everyone else she knows IRL (her line manager, some 'doctor', friends, etc) besides the parties who have been cheated on Hmm. What did she expect, applause? Maybe for Take a Break to ring?

This isn't just 'messing up', it's people getting really hurt and thinking nothing of bringing a child into a sordid mess.

MissPepper8 · 15/09/2019 19:41

She's asked for support, not a lecture

Well not exactly.. She asked who was more likely to be the father, her husband or her best friend and she didn't like the husband answer.

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