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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Please don't judge...

93 replies

KDF011194 · 14/09/2019 15:42

Hi all

So recently discovered I'm pregnant after trying since January!

However I don't know who the father is

I last did it unprotected with my husband on the 16th August, we then (as our relationship isn't great at the moment - I was planning on leaving before any of this happened, and am still planning to) decided to stop for awhile as we didn't seem to getting anywhere and perhaps this was causing some of our problems (it isn't) but still I was relieved. I was due to ovulate the following Friday, so the 23rd

I then, stupidly, I know these things 'don't just happen' ended up in bed with my best friend. We used a condom. This was 2 days before I was due to ovulate, so the 21st

I was suspicious that I was pregnant but waited a week to take the test, but the possibility of who the father would be was driving me mad so I want to the doctors and they said due to how long sperm live once inside a woman it is unlikely my husband is the father and that it is my friends even though we used protection. So to me that was doctor speak for 'it's your friends but I can't say that in case I'm wrong and you sue me'

However my line manager (who is lovely and I confined in) said that she thinks she got pregnant at the beginning and ends of her cycle so could have gotten pregnant at any time. I don't think that's right, if even the doctor is saying it's most likely my friends?

Plus if me and my husband have been trying for 8 months and nothing has happened and now I sleep with my friend two days before I ovulate and now I'm pregnant?

I know I ovulated on time as I got the little cramps I get around that time on the right day

I'm planning to leave my husband next week anyway, I would have told by now and left but me and my friend need to tell our other halves at the same time so they don't tell each other as that's not fair

OP posts:

StrictlyComeMarie · 14/09/2019 16:37

Wow. I am judging. Not only did you sleep with a married man but you yourself are married also. You’re both awful people- what kind of moral example will you be able to set for a child? You should both be ashamed of yourselves. You’ve gotten yourself into this mess and it’s up to you to deal with the consequences

Original poster

KDF011194 · 14/09/2019 16:40

He isn't married. I already said this. And we are dealing with it. I just wanted to know if what I thought was right

OP posts:

Wolfiefan · 14/09/2019 16:41

Only very recently decided to leave?
Honestly? Sounds like you need to be alone for a while to decide what you do actually want.
Are you going to proceed with the pg? Can you afford to do so if you end up single?

MsPavlichenko · 14/09/2019 16:43

Given all you have said I think you should consider whether continuing with this pregnancy is the best option for you, or the potential child. Do your parents know your plans to move back?

CarolineKate · 14/09/2019 16:50

I think there's a good chance of both.

If you ovulate early and you've been timing dtd for the wrong time it would make sense why you would fall pregnant with your husband if it's one of the first time you're dtd when ovulating (if early).

However condom could have split there being friends.

Hope you find the result you want.

Toodlehoooo · 14/09/2019 16:52

OP You don’t spend 8 months happily trying for a baby only to then wake up one Wednesday and decide it’s over

FoxSquadKitten · 14/09/2019 16:56

Given all you have said I think you should consider whether continuing with this pregnancy is the best option for you, or the potential child.

Op hasn't asked for your opinion on whether she should abort the baby!! It's a mess, yes but OP's not the first woman to get pregnant after a fling and won't be the last.

Who do you want to be the DF, OP? I'm guessing your friend? But I think it's most likely your DH's.

rosedream · 14/09/2019 17:05

If you used protection and it didn't fail it can't be the friends.
Could you be more weeks than you think ?

Makesmilingyourbesthobby · 14/09/2019 17:06

There is no way of knowing who the father will be with only five days between them even when you get your due date the dates are too close together and sperm can live up to five days which slim I know but you could of conceived with either of the men on the 21st it's all too close together and you say you used a condom with your friend all factors that until a dna test is done none of you know who the father is and all children deserve to know who they biological father is not whoever their mother guesses is.
Concentrate on ended your relationship if that's what you want be honest with all involved and then concentrate on your pregnancy and planning for baby and get a dna test done as soon as you all can

Ihopeyourcakeisshit · 14/09/2019 17:08

If you used a condom without any problems it's really highly unlikely it's your friend's.

MsPavlichenko · 14/09/2019 17:26

I am not suggesting one way or the other. I am suggesting she considers her options given the overall situation.

NoCauseRebel · 14/09/2019 17:28

There’s no way it’s your friend’s baby.

But tbh I don’t believe you just happened to sleep together within days of leaving your husband. To me it sounds more like you were having an affair and you got pregnant to force him to leave his girlfriend because he’s been stalling.

Either way, if you slept with this bloke then there’s no way you used a condom.

And in the meantime you have put your sexual health at risk, he’s put his gf’s sexual health at risk and you’ve put your dh’s sexual health at risk. And most importantly you’ve put your unborn child’s health at risk as some STD’s have serious consequences to unborn babies.

Way to go. Hope he was worth all that.

If you actually did use a condom then it’s your husband’s baby, and he will be in your life forever now.

fluffyjumper · 14/09/2019 18:03

Firstly your health and the babies is now top priority, be kind to yourself and look after number 1.

Yes you did a bad thing, you are trying to sort it out and I'm assuming have learnt from this. We are only human.

Unless you have had blood tests at time of ovulation then dont rule out your husband being the dad, our bodies can take us all by surprise.

Try not to let tarnish your pregnancy and motherhood experience.

💐

Mummylanie3 · 14/09/2019 18:08

There is a test you can do you give a blood sample after 8 weeks and him a swab can only be done in singleton pregnancies xx

Ellapaella · 14/09/2019 18:43

I have always ovulated a few days after my period. It's very obvious to me when I'm ovulating and it's never been the typical time that you're meant to.
In fact on woman's hour the other day they were saying that research has shown that 70% of women don't ovulate at the time when we're 'supposed' to and our cycles vary much more than we're aware.
So there is a reasonably good chance that your husband is the father.

TheCatsACunt · 14/09/2019 18:53

Your local GUM clinic will be busy.

You’re having unprotected (potentially) sex with two men, he’s having (potentially) unprotected sex with two women (assuming he and his girlfriend aren’t still using condoms).

Ick.

1ToughCookie · 14/09/2019 19:11

It could be either man's. Condoms, even when used as directed, aren't 100%. Nor is the Pill for that matter. And it's possible to ovulate early. Or twice in a cycle. ( www.newscientist.com/article/dn3927-women-can-ovulate-more-than-once-a-month/ )

So the closest you'll get is a decent % match to one man upon paternity testing.

Otherwise, it seems like we've got a ton of saints on this thread, or people who don't understand how abusive relationships continue to drag on. Lots of people need an extra 'oomph' to tip over with the decision to finally go. Maybe it's a baby. Maybe it's a new romantic interest. Or an act of violence.

Interestingly, cheating isn't the kiss of death to relationships. It's seriously 50/50 if the couple decides to split or reset their relationship.

Personally I'm glad you've made the decision to go. I'm also glad that the tipping point was not something that was violent or traumatic.

I wish I would have left my prior abusive relationship much much sooner than I did. I know the mind games, the squashed self confidence, the gaslighting.

Congrats, on both your pregnancy and on your new lease on life.

Pcosmama · 14/09/2019 19:12

It could be your husbands if you ovulated early and the cramping was implantation

This. I was going to say exactly the same thing. You should wait for (or book an early) dating scan.

Equally however, if you never conceived with your husband, is it possible he has fertility issues?

SleepingStandingUp · 14/09/2019 19:18

Op does your husband know about the baby? If not I'd leave and not mention it until your 12 week scan. It might give you a better idea of conception date to work out who is most likely the Dad.

Sounds like sleeping with your mate was a subconscious way to push you to leave DH. Regardless of the morals, you and baby now come first so if you genuinely are worried about him hurting you when you tell him you need to make sure there's someone else around to keep you safe

Jesskir89 · 14/09/2019 19:40

Personally I think it's your husbands if you used a condom with your friend and going off your last period. Most women start to ovulate around CD13 or 14 and you had sex with your husband on CD16

OwnerofanAngryCat · 14/09/2019 19:43

If you can't afford the test, may be you could have a collection; if everyone you've told put in a few quid, that may cover it.

Alternatively, have you thought of setting up a go fund me page?

Jesskir89 · 14/09/2019 20:09

A go fund me page to find out who the father of a baby is? Are you joking?

MissPepper8 · 14/09/2019 20:09

I didn't ovulate until I was meant to, so I doubt it

I've read everything and I dont know.. It sounds like you shouldn't have bothered coming on here to ask, because you've already decided its your friend's.

Isn't there a Dna test you can do? That isn't as invasive as an amniocentesis?

I think as you've decided you need to tell your husband, he may be awful (as you say), but you are carrying a child that may not be his and he deserves to know. You married him at the end of the day, now you've got to suck it up and do the right thing. Move out, sort this out before it gets even more messy.

Maybe for now, while your friend sorts out his mess you should not name who the other person is too.

Also invest in Period tracker app off the app store, it's pretty accurate (my cycles are from 29 to 38 days) and you can add days you are intimate on, so I knew what day I concieved on. It pauses when pregnant too.

Squiff70 · 14/09/2019 20:16

You were trying for a baby but can't afford a DNA test. What?

SleepingStandingUp · 14/09/2019 20:35

There's a difference between affording a baby that you largely pay for as you go, and affording £900 in a big lump when you also have a baby to afford in a few months

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