Lonely in early pregnancy ☹️

[emiliet123]

Hi there... I feel like such a head case for writing this to I don’t know who but ohhhh my gosh I am feeling super lonely. I’m only 5 weeks pregnant for the very first time, and I’ve known for a week now, but my husband is absolutely of the mindset that we can’t tell anybody before we have our scan and get the all-clear.
I feel like I’ve read enough threads and articles online to understand all my symptoms and feel halfway normal, but I don’t feel as though I really have anybody on my side apart from my hubster. And don’t get me wrong - he is an absolute angel, he’s so excited (and I think a little scared) and he’s there for me at the drop of a hat.
I know he wants to keep quiet because he’s scared it won’t work out, and he wants to plan everything to a T (we have a great Halloween reveal planned), but I am the worlds worst secret keeper. Growing up, my family shared everything - the good, the bad, the ugly. We’re huge talkers and so close with each other, so keeping this massive, life-changing event from them feels so unnatural.
I’ve got my best friend’s birthday do coming up on Saturday - it’s been planned for months... and it’s a bottomless brunch. It’s girls-only and I have insane anxiety about cancelling, or lying to their faces about being on antibiotics. I feel like they’re going to know anyway, because I was quiet at a mouse at my OTHER friend’s birthday just last Saturday. And there wasn’t even booze involved!
There’s a huge discussion at work about budgeting and resources for next year - and I can’t say anything about knowing I’m most likely not going to be there for the majority of it... it’s stressful and I’m scared for my career. (I work in marketing)
I’m all up in my head - and I have told one friend, who was there for me throughout the viscous cycle of TTC, but I know if my husband finds out I’ve told her (she has three kids!) he will be really quite annoyed.

I’m just feeling scared and alone and I haven’t a clue what to do. Also - I haven’t got an appointment with a midwife until I hit 10 weeks, so what - I’m just supposed to assume all is good with the pregnancy and that it’s just confirmed by POAS? argh.

Sorry for the rant.

Hi OP!

First of all, congratulations!

Secondly, I would like to reassure you that you are most certainly not a head case and your feelings are totally normal!!

I found out that I was pregnant last October and DP and I decided not to tell a soul until 12 weeks. Unfortunately, it wasn't meant to be and I had a mc in November. The first thing I wanted to do was tell my Mum and sister and so, they were really confused and found it hard to console me when I told them what had happened.

We found out I was pregnant again in January and we decided we would each tell our families because, we realised after the first time how much we needed the support when things didn't go to plan. Of course, I am telling you this to reassure you that, you don't have to keep this entirely to yourselves at this stage, I really don't want to spook you with what happened to us. I am now almost 37 weeks and baby is very healthy!

I would recommend speaking to DH and ask him if you can each choose one person to tell now. That is an agreement that me and DP came up with initially as, it is such a relief to have someone to confide in and to help you keep your secret. I would recommend you choose someone who has already had a baby, if that's a choice as, not being able to ask questions or for advice was something I struggled with, personally! Your mum would probably be a good choice, judging by what you have said about how close your family are! - I know you say you have already told a friend and so, that may be the one person you tell your DH about or, you could take the opportunity to tell another person!

As for occasions that involve drinking - The usual fibs people tell e.g. 'I'm on antibiotics' just never work. I think the best way through it is to claim you are hungover and/or make it seem like you are drinking. Call the venue before hand or, find an opportunity to take a staff member to one side and ask them to help you conceal your secret.

Workwise - I know how you feel. I sat in many a meeting discussing the future of the company and my involvement thinking 'Oh gosh, they're going to kill me' Don't worry. No one is ever anything but, happy and the world goes on without you. There was a time I thought I was indispensable and my absence would seriously hinder the company, since then I have announced my pregnancy and retrained other members off staff. I don't even think anyone will notice if I am here now .

Most importantly, relax and enjoy your pregnancy. It is the best feeling in the world and in my opinion it has gone waayyy to fast for me!

Good luck

I completely agree with what @frsttimemama has said. The same happened to us in our first pregnancy so we decided to tell our parents as soon as we found out about this pregnancy. We also have each told one friend as we told them about the miscarriage so it makes sense to tell them we are pregnant again.
I'm 8+5 and finding it very lonely as I've been signed off work with morning sickness. It's difficult getting messages from friends asking if I'm ok but not being able to say what's wrong or even how long I'll be off.
As for avoiding drinking, it might be easier to tell one friend so they can help you cover it up xxx

Hey guys, thanks so much for replying! Wasn’t sure if anyone would 🙈

That’s such a good idea, choosing one person each to tell. I’ll definitely suggest that when I get home tonight. And you’re right about needing the support, I find being open about everything always makes things more bearable in the end.

I’m so sorry to hear about both of your MCs, but really pleased you’re both happily and healthily progressing now 😊 (aside from being signed off with morning sickness!)

These next six/seven weeks can’t go quickly enough - is it possible to fall asleep and fast forward time? 🤷🏼‍♀️

Hi @emiliet123 I was the same as you at the staff you’re at now. I was originally going to tell my mum but then my nan died the week I found out and I just couldn’t do it. The hardest was at 9 weeks we went on holiday with OHs sister, I had awful MS and it was hard to hide. I kept going to bed and she was constantly asking if I was ok and was really worried. OH said at that point he thought it would be best if we told everyone at the same time after the scan so I agreed.

But at 11 weeks I broke down and said I felt worried about everything (still do) and have no one to talk to so he said I think you should tell your mum so you could always try that with your DH. I’m 12 weeks now and we’ve just told OH sister as I said I felt so bad about the holiday!

I also work in marketing and I’m the only person that does my job across 2 brands. I’m dreading telling work too. I worry that they’ll tell me I have to come back to work full time or I can’t return and/or they won’t bother employing someone whilst I’m on mat leave undoing all the work I’ve developed over the past 3 years.

Anyway, ignore my rant. I hear you, feel your pain and I worry so much (got scan next week and I’m petrified) so if you want anyone to talk to I’m all ears.

I honestly don’t get the waiting until the 12 week scan before telling anyone thing. Our first pregnancy ended in miscarriage and it was such a relief to be able to talk to people outside of ourselves about it. I’m not saying we shouted it from the roof tops but I think having a select few people who know is really very helpful - especially when trying to cover up morning sickness while working full time!!
When we found out second time round we again told about 6 select few people and everyone else after the 12 week scan - we’re now nearly 24 weeks and all going well so far 🤞🤞🤞
Pregnancy can be a very difficult and lonely time if you don’t have people to support you - and keeping everything hush hush just adds to the taboo of miscarriage - something I personally feel is not talked about enough!!

I also don’t really get it being a total secret until 12 weeks. Ultimately, it’s not your partner who has to have the pregnancy symptoms, worries, hormones & this huge secret. He gets to continue life as normal. My first pregnancy I told my manager, my parents & in laws. I had Hyperemesis and it was the loneliest, toughest few weeks of my life. This time, when HG struck again, I told all my colleagues, my close friends & family. It’s still been one of the hardest things I’ve done but it’s been an enormous support to have them know & to not be making up constant excuses for how I’m feeling! Instead, people have been so kind in looking after me & my daughter when my partner is at work etc.

Telling people won’t affect baby. What will be will be. If anything did go wrong, think about who you’d tell. And who’s support you’d need. Those are the people I’d consider telling. 100% my mum. & my closest couple friends. No need to tell everyone until the scan but please allow yourself to have some perhaps female, done it before support!

Agree with @Bol87 female done if brgire support is essential as your DH doesn’t know what you’re going through. I feel better now I’ve told my mum and she couldn’t believe I waited till 11 weeks to tell her.

@Bol87 “Ultimately, it’s not your partner who has to have the pregnancy symptoms, worries, hormones & this huge secret. He gets to continue life as normal.“

YES! This! I appreciate he’s bricking it as much as I am, but he doesn’t feel every twinge or have anxiety every time he has to tell a lie. Obviously I wouldn’t wish it on him, but I could do with him being a little more understanding. He’s also worried my mum will blab - and I am tempted to agree with him!

And yes @SquigglyOne - it isn’t talked about enough. I had a friend who went through it alone and has only recently been able to talk to us all about it, which just about broke my heart.

Thanks everyone for sharing in this with me, I really, really appreciate it, and wish you all lots of luck and love with your families! 💖

Oh and @RC1985 good luck with your scan - I am sure everything will be peachy 💖

I think marketing can be such a difficult one to manoeuvre, everything moves so quickly and i’m so nervous about whether i’ll Be able to slot back in. Fortunately my senior has young children, so I’m hoping they’ll be understanding!

Not telling anyone for another 5 weeks isn't a massive amount of time.
Just enjoy it being the 2 of you for a while in on the news yes you told your friend but sometimes its nice to have that bit of support.

Look at whats inportant to you , you've been waiting to get pregnant now you are. Everything else can wait until after you have your scan. You will then know due date and actually see the bean on the screen.

How you feel when you see that picture on the screen is an important factor wait for your reveal with a picture both in your hand and your heart.

The reason people often wait to tell is there is so much that can happen in 12 weeks as the placenta and growth starts etc not trying to tempt fate here and its better to tell people good news than have to repeat bad news.

Just enjoy the first moment when you can't do up your trousers and have a good excuse to eat that extra pudding hehe

Goodluck

@emiliet123 you’ll be fine with your job. You’ll pick the changes back up when you return. Although things change and evolve with marketing, the basic foundation principles still remain the same, it’s just how you action it that might differ. Remember they can’t not give you your job back and they are supposed to be flexible to your return. Is there anything about maternity in your staff handbook?

Aw thanks @Juliephine 😊 I know, 5 weeks isn’t that long but it feels like an age! 😂

And @RC1985 it’s REALLY vague about mat leave - something about being at the employers discretion when you can start/end it.

That doesn’t seem right to me, well not from what I’ve read on the .gov website about maternity guidelines. There are no mat guidelines in my staff handbook so you’re doing better than me! I only know because other people having mat leave and doing my own research but I will be suggesting they put guidelines in, it’s one of the first things I look for when I start a new job lol.

You’ve reminded me to go and look! It’s confusing, it doesn’t help that it’s all in corporate legal jargon 😩
Basically, you get statutory mat leave, and at the employers discretion... if you’ve worked here for 2 years or more on the eleventh week before birth, you get a sum equal to half your weekly wage (plus stat mat) from six weeks after birth, until you come back.

So basically cos I’ve been here for a grand total of 9 months so far, and will only have been here for 17 months by my due date... I’m on Stat Mat! It’s a great company tho, they do look after staff so i’m Keeping my fingers crossed for that “employers discretion” 😂 x

At least you may have the chance to get extra. I only get stat mat 😞 they don’t have great benefits here unless you become a manger, even though I manage the marketing, it’s not my title so I’m not entitled. Oh well lol.

Oh my gosh that must be so frustrating for you! I keep telling myself that there are people who manage on a LOT less than we do, so we just have to suck it up and learn to be a little stricter with ourselves! (Although, most of my money goes on frivolous clothes and nights out, which I can guarantee are no longer happening!)

Feeling ridiculously nauseous today - Blerghh! How is everybody else cracking on? 💖

Not too bad. Felt a little sicky this morning but it’s faired out over the day. The sickness is awful though. Hate it!

@RC1985 same 😩 they do say it’s supposed to calm down after 12 weeks soooo fingers crossed! Not long until your scan now! 😊👍🏼

I am sososo glad to read this thread!! It is the loneliest time ever, I’m 9+1and only my husband knows. I want to get to the scan before we tell anyone however thing I’m going to tell my boss next week as we have a few changes happening and I think it’s within my interests for him to know. Glad I’m not the only one with career anxiety!

Hey @Tweedlady 👍🏼 I’m getting terrible at keeping the secret. My friend outright asked me yesterday and I just went “ummm... yeah.” 😂 feels like so long away until my scan tho... but you’ll have yours soon and you’ll be able to tell the world! Just hang on a few more days, and if you want to chat in the meantime - feel free to post on here 😊 happy to listen/vent with you!

Hey guys. My scan is tomorrow and I am having a real freak out. Other half is getting very excited, his sister has started buying stuff for us and all I am is petrified it’s going to be bad news. My other half has lost a lot of family members of the last few years (he was born into an older family), he’s had 4 funerals this year alone. He doesn’t cope with loss very well and if we loose this baby, I’m worried for him. I feel like it’s all riding in tomorrow like I’m walking into an exam. It’s such an awful feeling and I feel I can only say how I feel on here.

Hey @RC1985 i’m So sorry you’re feeling like this ☹️ For a lot of people it’s an exciting and happy time, but it’s also full of worries and anxieties and fear - don’t feel that you’re “supposed” to be any particular way.
It’s good to be prepared for bad news, but try to focus on the positives. Stress is no good for your little bean, so maybe take a little time for yourself today, do something which makes you feel calm. Bob around in a swimming pool, get your nails done, get a box of crayons and scribble out your feelings - I don’t know! But whatever is going to happen will happen, and it’s part of the journey.
Other people’s reactions and emotions can sometimes be unhelpful when you’re feeling anxious, so maybe spend some time with people who don’t know what’s happening - talk about some nonsense that will take your mind off it.

I have all my fingers crossed for you that tomorrow will put an end to your worries (or at least soothe them a little), and I am sure that you, your body and your family will all work together to help you get through what’s undoubtedly an emotional and difficult time - regardless of the outcome of your scan.

Please do let us know how you get on xx

@emiliet123 thank you for your kind words. I’m trying to distract myself with work today. I will let you know how it goes though. Xx

Thinking of you today @RC1985 💖 sending lots of positive vibes your way ✨

@RC1985- Hope all goes well today 💜 be thinking of you xx