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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Do I tell my partner I'm pregnant?!

73 replies

Youngmama228 · 28/08/2019 09:31

So I'm 21, have a 2year old & a 5month old, my partner is 22 ,we've been together 8 years.

I got a faint positive test 5days before my period, I told him & he made me do a first response test (still 5days) because he didn't believe the faint positive which ended up been negative, however he did not take the faint positive well, he kept blaming me, saying he didn't want anymore kids.

He has alot of stress atm, we recently moved over 100miles from home and wanting to move back which means him finding a new job & our tennancy ends October so he's stressed were gonna end up with no where to live. He also suffers with bouts of depression when the stress gets overwhelming (he has a reeeaaally stressful job which doesn't help)

Yesterday I got another 2 faint positives (2days late), but I haven't told him.

Do I wait to tell him till we've moved and he's started a new job and the stress has died down which will be like 2montjs?

OP posts:

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Andallofasuddenitsover · 28/08/2019 09:36

I think you have to really, don’t you?

CmdrCressidaDuck · 28/08/2019 09:37

You think things will be improved by him finding out you're not only pregnant, but have been hiding it for months? You think he's just going to forget even the possibility that you're pregnant until October time?

You're on track to have 3 extremely closely spaced children by the time you're 22 in a relationship which doesn't sound that solid and a very unstable situation with regards to housing and employment. Of course he's very stressed. Are you working at all? How do you foresee the two of you supporting three children? What contraception were you using? Were any of these children planned?

DustyDoorframes · 28/08/2019 09:38

In two months you will be at the 12 week scan stage. You need to tell him well before then!
(Unless you've been sticking pins in condoms he can hardly blame you alone though, surely?)

Banangana · 28/08/2019 09:44

I think it's best if you tell him sooner rather than later. Why haven't the two of you been using contraception?

OccasionalNachos · 28/08/2019 09:45

Do you think he’s just going to not mention it again?

MostlyAmbridgeandcoffee · 28/08/2019 09:46

Think you have to really don’t you? If he’s cross about it then it can’t really be just with you as it’s both of your responsibility to use contraception if you don’t want anymore children immediately. You’re going to need all the help you can get at your age with that number of young children and a precarious financial position - hope you have family you can involve.

Original poster

Youngmama228 · 28/08/2019 09:47

He has no issues finding work, he currently earns 45k a year so there's no kind of financial stress. I imagine it's stressful for anyone moving house and starting a new job! The two children we have now where both planned!

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/08/2019 09:49

Yes you should tell him. If there’s going to be a third child to support and house he should be factoring this into your plans to move.

Lilymossflower · 28/08/2019 09:53

Sounds difficult.

He has been very, very mean for blaming you , it takes two to tango and being stressed is no excuse for comments like that. Especially if he is the one refusing condoms.

Do you think you can both deal with 3 young kids? Would he blame you forever for the extra stress? You have your right to keep the baby even if he dousnt because its your body. But also consider the implications it would have on family life and the relationship - what effects would or would not be fair on you -

CmdrCressidaDuck · 28/08/2019 09:53

So you're a SAHM, and unmarried? Your position with 3 DC and an unhappy partner will be extremely precarious. Have you discussed getting married? What will you do if your relationship breaks down?

Original poster

Youngmama228 · 28/08/2019 09:57

We're are engaged but I don't think getting married really matters, having kids is a way bigger commitment! I don't think our relationship will break down necessarily we've dealt with alot worse situations. I just don't want to cause him any more stress.

OP posts:

fireworkprincess88 · 28/08/2019 09:58

Hello,

I am sorry to hear that your partner is struggling with stress and depression. Depression can have a significant impact on those around, so I understand it is hard for you. Is he seeking help with this?

I am afraid that you must tell him ASAP. It takes two to tango, you didn't get pregnant by yourself so it is unfair for him to blame you.

You can't control his reaction, and waiting longer will likely aggravate the situation further.

Moving to a new place can be isolating, do you have someone close to you that trust and can talk to? Even if it is over the phone. It isn't good for you to be pregnant and stressed, a problem shared is a problem halved.

Best of luck and I wish you well for the future.

Original poster

Youngmama228 · 28/08/2019 10:02

He was supposed to go to therapy but he generally does okay! We don't have anyone down here that's why we're moving closer to home so we'll have a better support system.

I'm hoping the postive he knows about last week might of made it abit easier for him to digest

OP posts:

MeanMrMustardSeed · 28/08/2019 10:06

You don’t think getting married really matters, when you’re a SAHM mum? You really need to look into this as you are so wrong.

MaverickSnoopy · 28/08/2019 10:07

You need to tell him, but then you know that. There's always stress in life and if it doesn't calm down then what? I can only imagine how upset he'll be if you wait to tell him.

The marriage comment - yes having children is a bigger commitment in theory but if you were to split and weren't married then you'd be entitled to nothing. I'd be wanting to get married in your shoes.

fireworkprincess88 · 28/08/2019 10:11

Best of luck with everything.

I live in another country to my friends and family and found it really hard at first, we also want to move back home but it hasn't been possible yet. So long phone calls with family, and making some new friends here have made me feel more supported.

CmdrCressidaDuck · 28/08/2019 10:15

If you don't realise how hugely vulnerable you are, legally and financially, as an unmarried SAHM of multiple DC then you need to look into that asap, because you really, really are. "He probably won't leave me or die" doesn't cut it when you are responsible for 3 DC. I would strongly suggest you prioritise a basic registry office ceremony as soon as possible.

And yes, you have to tell him. He is wrong to blame you for it, unless you took responsibility for contraception but were being sloppy about it. But it is a huge stress to have a SAH partner and 3 DC to provide for. He will need to find ways to manage that.

Pcosmama · 28/08/2019 10:19

Wow so many judgemental comments on this thread. The OP and he rpartner have been together for a long time and are financially stable so why all the assumptions that her babies were all unplanned/she won't be able to cope. She's probably got more energy to run round after her toddler than most of us 😂

I think you defo need to tell him you've had another positive result, he may be stressed but as others have said, it's not your fault! These things happen. It may take him a while to come round to the idea but I think that's an even better reason to tell him sooner rather than later tbh.

MommaJP · 28/08/2019 10:24

I just think i would rather know,
Sorry you feel stressed about finding out.
Maybe do one first thing in the morning so maybe it is stronger / more clear lines??
You have said your other 2 DC were planned so maybe he is very shocked. Good Luck

ibuiltahomeforyou · 28/08/2019 10:27

@Youngmama228 children are a bigger commitment than being married, which is why you are very vulnerable if you are a SAHM and unmarried. I am being honest and not patronising here.

Money comes and goes and if your DP's job is ever at risk it would be monumentally stressful. Added to that, if ANYTHING happened you'd be totally dependent on him with no legal recourse.

I am guessing with a 5mo and a toddler you don't work out of the home, so that 45k doesn't go all that far and will stretch even less far with three babies.

Original poster

Youngmama228 · 28/08/2019 10:28

Thank you pcosmama, people just generally hate on young parents I get it all the time 😂😂 but my kids are happy and loved which is all that should matter!

OP posts:

Original poster

Youngmama228 · 28/08/2019 10:31

I don't feel like half of you would put comments like this to parents who where 35, earning less money, and in a less stable relationship!

OP posts:

NotStayingIn · 28/08/2019 10:37

You need to tell him. If you start going down the routine of lying/withholding information (even if it’s intended for his benefit) your relationship will be over before long.

bananaontoast1 · 28/08/2019 10:39

Nobody is telling you to get married because they're trying to be arseholes, they're telling you this because if your boyfriend died or left you you'd have absolutely nothing. You'd be legally entitled to zilch. No house, no money, nothing. That's the basic protection marriage brings. Nobody cares you're young, they care you're an unmarried SAHM completely oblivious to the financial and legal risks associated with that.

In relation to the problem you posted about - just tell him. It's worse to keep it secret, and will undermine the trust in your relationship. Hope it all goes okay. :)

taytosandwich · 28/08/2019 10:44

I actually wouldn't rush to tell him for a few days. If you're two days late and still getting faint positives it may not be a viable pregnancy. How faint are we talking?

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