Do I tell my partner I'm pregnant?!

[Youngmama228]

So I'm 21, have a 2year old & a 5month old, my partner is 22 ,we've been together 8 years.

I got a faint positive test 5days before my period, I told him & he made me do a first response test (still 5days) because he didn't believe the faint positive which ended up been negative, however he did not take the faint positive well, he kept blaming me, saying he didn't want anymore kids.

He has alot of stress atm, we recently moved over 100miles from home and wanting to move back which means him finding a new job & our tennancy ends October so he's stressed were gonna end up with no where to live. He also suffers with bouts of depression when the stress gets overwhelming (he has a reeeaaally stressful job which doesn't help)

Yesterday I got another 2 faint positives (2days late), but I haven't told him.

Do I wait to tell him till we've moved and he's started a new job and the stress has died down which will be like 2montjs?

ThanksItHasPockets
I agree. Maturity makes a massive difference with dealing with life's pressures. Amusingly, it's usually people who are young/naive/immature (delete as appropriate) who tend to get cross when people suggest it makes a difference, which also somewhat supports the point.

WrongKindOfFace
That's also true. According to the Telegraph the sector average for engineers is £40,000. To be higher than sector average at 22 (we're guessing without degree level engineering training given that the first two children were planned and most people don't plan to start a family at uni with no income) is really going some. If an accurate salary then that's likely to be a job that pushes the OP further into being a long term SAHP as his work pressures increase, which is further challenging.

It's a potentially volatile situation with stress, work pressure, relocation, 3rd child in a few years, no financial protection, etc The OP needs to be appropriately protected and be having honest conversations with her DP about their situation, including pregnancy.

For gods sake no one is judging her age. I had my first at her age. It's trying to stop her making the same mistake you see all the time with SAHM's, of all ages. They do the majority of child raising and are then financially screwed because they didn't have the legal protection of marriage.

Read Mumsnet thoroughly, look at all the threads and you'll see it's fair and reasonable advice.

I am sorry to have to tell that that marriage is a much bigger commitment than a baby. A parent can literally walk away and disappear from their child's life very easily. If they don't want to be found or pay it's easy to disappear. A marriage can't be walked away from without huge legal and financial implications.

Are u ok op, we seem to have gone off topic

A parent can literally walk away and disappear from their child's life very easily. If they don't want to be found or pay it's easy to disappear. A marriage can't be walked away from without huge legal and financial implications.

People walk out of marriages too and never look back, leaving the mess behind them.

You don’t need to get married OP you need to take a good long look at your future. At 21 my response will be different than if you were 35 but only in a positive light that you can make many changes that a 35 maybe could not.
You have plenty of time to train in something now and not leave yourself as a sahm forever. There’s nothing wrong with being a sahm unless you have no setup for when things go wrong. Unmarried, you have no guarantee that you will have anything from you dp if he walked out tomorrow. Is that how you want things to stand forever?

Google things you can train in and I suggest you plan something. A lot of courses start in September and January so well worth giving your local college a ring. Childcare will have to be sorted and often is much easier if you’re at a college with some attached but I imagine you’re killing two birds with one stone anyway, if your dp sees you’re stepping up it may help him be less stressed.
Do not underestimate the huge financial and emotional pressure of running a family on one income. imo £45k does not get you very far with a sahm and 3x dc to raise, and rent can go up etc it’s incredibly stressful and I think you don’t realise you may actually be contributing to it. Not by being pregnant but by having no plan for the future just blindingly carrying on.

I wish you luck anyway. And definitely need to tell him. Takes two to tango in that area!

I really feel for you op i Was a mum of 2 at your age I'm now pregnant with my third at 33 I think what Alot of people are trying to get across is the security marriage brings I have just recently got married for none of the reasons stated on this thread it was only for love you can have a stable happy relationship without marriage my sister and her husband were together 25 years before they were married they just didn't feel they needed to marry and when they did it was because they wanted to 😊
I think you should tell your dp Now leaving it will only make things worse I can understand him being stressed 3 young kids will be very stressful for you both but more him if he is the only one earning but you get there. Good luck op.

you can have a stable happy relationship without marriage

No one has said that’s not the case. It’s chosing to be a SAHM when you’re unmarried that’s the issue. If you’re unmarried but earning your own wage and creating your own savings it doesn’t really matter so much, you’ve got your own safety net then - if you’re earning nothing at all for years and your partner leaves you, they owe you nothing and you may well be left with absolutely nothing. If OP doesn’t want to get married fine - but then maybe she should at least consider finding some paid work.

We're are engaged but I don't think getting married really matters, having kids is a way bigger commitment

Emotionally yes, legally no - not really

Are you happy with the pregnancy and do you want to keep it? (If yes congratulations! If not uhm sorry). I think in your case I would wait a few days to let the dust settle for him and then tell him and what your decision is (or if undecided discuss it). I wouldn't wait two months, that feels wrong to me (although I can't explain why).

If this pregnancy was unplanned you might want to rethink your contraceptive choices in the future.

Tbf on some pp, all SAHM's get the advice to get married on MN, regardless of age.

You’re engaged but no plans to marry: who’s delaying the ceremony OP? You or him?

Why did you get engaged if you have no plans to marry?

£45k is a good salary if you there are two wage earners in the house - as the total household income though, supporting two adults and three children? I think that would be tight.

Anyway I digress. OP you must tell him.

Hi @Youngmama228 I don't know what the bullshit about marriage is. I've been with my partner 20 years with no intention of marrying. How marriage would bring stability, I have no idea. Perhaps it would help you get money if you got married and then divorced? Don't know if that's what the posters are thinking!

It sounds like you want the baby, you need to tell him really.

45000 sounds like you're financially stable currently so don't understand the worries re not having anywhere to live. Good luck with everything

Aha I've read previous post... Its the divorce thing. Makes sense then I spose.

I don't know what the bullshit about marriage is. I've been with my partner 20 years with no intention of marrying. How marriage would bring stability, I have no idea. Perhaps it would help you get money if you got married and then divorced? Don't know if that's what the posters are thinking!

You don't understand how a legal contract that acknowledges the sacrifices of one parent to facilitate the career and earnings of the other could possibly offer any form of protection for people who give up their earning potential, opportunities and security to facilitate someone else's career?

It's less of an issue if both people are earning, have equal savings, assets and so on (equally many people who meet later in life post children choose not to marry as it risks their child's inheritance). For someone who has been at home since 19 with children to facilitate a partner who is likely to be a high earner it makes a massive difference.

People can marry or not but they should make informed decisions based on their financial and legal situation and what they would do in the event of an acrimonious split. MN is full of threads where women have been screwed over because after 12 years and no marriage and lots of promises, suddenly their ex doesn't want to pay half the mortgage for the next 10 years.

What I don't understand is how some women on MN claim it doesn't make a difference, it's not needed, just a piece of paper, we have children together, and yet people who have assets and careers and of their own and their financial security know exactly what marriage offers/costs (mainly men as a category, and women who have their own assets).

Maybe for top schemes @Banangana but it would be vanishingly rare to walk into one of those jobs at 22 having had two kids, unless the OP is dating superman.

@Youngmama228 some people are ridiculously judgemental!! I get it all the time too!!

Im 23 with 10month old and pregnant with second. Its ridiculous the comments you get, we are engaged been together 5 years and jointly own a house together! Back in my grandparents time people would get together young and have kids and stay together ! Such a stupid stigma around people having children young.

“Back in my grandparents time people would get together young get married and have kids and stay together”

AnneLovesGilbert makes a good point here.
There is no point comparing modern relationships to 2 generations ago when they aren't the same.

50 years ago people got married before having children generally.
50 years ago most people didn't do education to 18, let alone 21. We didn't have a massive expectation of 50+% of people going to university. The education and job situation has changed.
50 years ago we didn't have women spending 10 years of their life not working, staying at home with the kids with zero legal protection because they were married.
50 years ago we didn't have women in financially precarious positions having a go at other women giving helpful and useful legal advice to protect their interests and ensure their valuable contribution is considered in a split by claiming "you're being mean to young people / we don't need marriage as we have children and love / it's just a piece of paper" only to find later that they've given up years of earning potential, haven't made enough contributions to their pension so get shafted later in life, haven't got rights to the house (which may or may not be in both names equally), meanwhile the men build their careers off the back of the free labour at home knowing they can leave at any time and not have any obligation to their former partner who facilitated their lifestyle

There were also many problems with life 50 years ago too, but I'm not sure we can sit in 2019 arguing that people getting married young 2 generations ago somehow detracts from the reality of life today as someone who has sacrificed their own security to be financially dependent on someone else who can walk at any time with almost no responsibility in law other than CMS minimum payments.

Anyone else think £45k isn't 'such a high wage', to support two adults and three children? Especially when it comes from one person and the other had no/little earning potential should something happen to that income?

If you're not getting married at least reassure us that he has good life/critical illness insurance and that you are the named beneficiary and that he has other options work wise. This isn't about your age this is just a very precarious situation.

I know you don't want to think about it, but the reason people on here are so pro marriage is the number of threads and people with experience of men walking away/cheating/dying and all kinds of other scenarios that would leave you with no higher education, career, earning potential and three young children close in age, while all he'd be liable for is a CMS payment, we understand how desperate a situation that can be.

Protect yourself and your babies. I chose to get married before having a baby, for love rather than legality, but I wasn't vulnerable without it. I'm much older than you, so I'm qualified, and well established in a professional career which pays me well. If DH was DP and left tomorrow without me being entitled to anything, I can easily support myself and my DC, pay all bills and mortgage on my salary alone and would still be comfortable.

Plenty of our grandparents and great-grandparents also made each other thoroughly miserable, and resented some or all of the children they didn't feel a lot of choice about having. It was also a lot easier to support a family on one income a few generations ago - and yes, women had the protection of marriage and a social structure that held men to their financial and social responsibilities to wives and children more.

It's hard to imagine a way you could make yourself more vulnerable than to be an unmarried SAHM to three at the age of 21 with no postsecondary qualifications.

Plenty of women got abandoned holding the baby 50 years ago, and it was even harder to find decent paying work or affordable childcare at that point, so let's not pretend that was some kind of idyll. Besides, 50 years ago was 1969 so things were already changing by then.

The poor OP has probably run for the hills by now...