Do I tell my partner I'm pregnant?!

[Youngmama228]

So I'm 21, have a 2year old & a 5month old, my partner is 22 ,we've been together 8 years.

I got a faint positive test 5days before my period, I told him & he made me do a first response test (still 5days) because he didn't believe the faint positive which ended up been negative, however he did not take the faint positive well, he kept blaming me, saying he didn't want anymore kids.

He has alot of stress atm, we recently moved over 100miles from home and wanting to move back which means him finding a new job & our tennancy ends October so he's stressed were gonna end up with no where to live. He also suffers with bouts of depression when the stress gets overwhelming (he has a reeeaaally stressful job which doesn't help)

Yesterday I got another 2 faint positives (2days late), but I haven't told him.

Do I wait to tell him till we've moved and he's started a new job and the stress has died down which will be like 2montjs?

if your boyfriend died or left you you'd have absolutely nothing. You'd be legally entitled to zilch. No house, no money, nothing.

They don't have a house now, they rent and if the OP is on the tenancy then she will still have that house.

If money is in a joint account then, if he dies, she will own it. If he leaves, yes, he may decide to take all the money, but he could do that if they were married - it happens.

You can nominate whoever you like for your employer death in service payment and you can buy life insurance and name someone in it.

It's possible to be protected when not married, not to the same extent, admittedly, but not so you end up with nothing - why assume the OP is stupid and doesn't know her entitlements? How do you know she's not wealthy in her own right and it is HIM who should be worried about ending up with nothing?

Congratulations, I'd tell him.. I am also an unmarried SAHM (oh the shame lol) with 2 kids and a 3rd on the way (this one wasn't planned) so I'm nearly in the same boat as you, once the shock wears off he will be fine, 45k a year is a good wage and would easily support a family of 5.

Yes of course you should tell him. I understand the stress he's under to support a family if 5 at just 22YO.

I had three children at your age, it isn’t the end of the world. Makes life quite difficult but I still managed to get a degree and post grad with three young children at home.

You’re financially stable and have been together for almost a decade so I’d say you’re in a better position than many. Were you using contraception? If not then he can’t really get angry about an unplanned pregnancy...

You do need to tell him sooner rather than later, you’ll have to discuss what the best option is for you both.

I presume you are not likely to want termination? Would he want to even discuss it, is that why you don't want to tell him. The decision would be yours not his.
I usually think if you lie or withhold information you are protecting yourself and damaging your relationship. There are a few extreme exceptions or times when it's justified, I doubt this is one.
You are testing v early, do you have other symptoms, is this an accidental scare? I might see gp or wait a week or so to be more certain, could be ectopic or other explanation? I don't think you should wait once you know for sure, however your body, your choice, just don't be surprised if he's even more upset.
Oh, and keep using contraception in case you are not already pregnant!

45k at 22? Have you seen his payslip? I don't think even the top investment banking schemes pay that.

Oh, and keep using contraception in case you are not already pregnant!

It’s extremely rare to get a false positive test, OP has had three positive tests so I’d say she is 100% pregnant.

@Grobagsforever The average starting salary for a lawyer is 55k so it’s definitely believable he earns 45k at 22.

We're are engaged but I don't think getting married really matters, having kids is a way bigger commitment!

Yes because having a baby is well known to be a very successful way to make men stick around the commitment is to the children, not to one another.

I am also an unmarried SAHM (oh the shame lol)

The reason women on here go on and on about being an unmarried SAHM is nothing to do with shame. There is nothing shameful about being an unmarried mum. We are slightly past the point of sex before marriage being frowned upon. Have as much sex before marriage as you like! Do it on a beach, in every room of your house, in the garden, in the local library, wherever you like!

The problem with being an unmarried SAHM is pragmatic. It puts you at risk. You are making sacrifices with your own future financial advancement to support someone who can choose to leave at any point in the future and does not have any responsibilities to you whatsoever.

Yes - even if married hubby can fuck off and screw you financially. But it is harder for him to do so. If then unmarried partner can fuck off and apart from giving you half of any joint assets and basic child support for the then the law will fully support him in screwing you financially.

So - to give an example of the Op. Her husband is obviously a high flyer if he is already earning £45k at 22. 10 years from now he could be on £100k. But he wouldn’t be if he had to do half the childcare for 3 kids born in quick succession. He will only get that successful because he and Op are sharing the “earning money and raising the kids” burden with him doing the lion’s share of the first and Op doing the lion’s share of the second.

Let’s assume that in 10 years they have bought a house - and have paid off some of the mortgage (plus prices have risen!) so they now have £40k equity in it. Partner has also been paying into a pension - perhaps 5% of his income with his employer matching it (So nothing special.) (So £7k a year assuming average income of £70k so with a bit of investment income it will be worth £80k.)

Op has obviously been raising kids since 19 and has just gone back to work and is earning £15k a year. As I said - partner now earns £100k. They split up.

Scenario 1. They are married. Total assets worth £120k. Also noted that husband is high earner due to wife supporting him plus wife is main carer of kids. Wife is awarded 70% of marital assets. So £84k. Husband gets £36k plus has his lovely large salary.

Scenario 2. Not married. Woman gets 50% of joint assets ie house only. So £20k. Man gets the other £100k plus his lovely large salary.

Regarding Married vs. Unmarried and vulnerability as a SAHM - I’m sorry but people constantly say this to unmarried mothers on here, whatever their circumstances, it has nothing to do with your age.

You are in fact hugely vulnerable, and people are actually looking out for your security and that of your children by making you aware of this. Children are a big commitment but that commitment is entirely moral and doesn’t protect you legally.

whattodowith
Yes, but people don't leave university at 21 and walk into a lawyer post (at least not in my experience). Everyone I know who has been moving into law did a law degree, then applied for some sort of studentship (I don't know the industry terms for things) and paid post in a firm, then had further training.

I'm also guessing, perhaps unfairly, that having a planned children at 19 and 21 probably doesn't suggest going to university to train in something like law (and if it does then there's 2 people bringing children into the world with no means to provide).

Many graduate job entry salaries are in the early 20s region.

Anyway OP, yes you have to tell him and sooner rather than later. A baby adds more pressure on relationships and it sounds like things are tricky for you all at the moment. Unless you were responsible for the pill and didn't take it properly then he has no right to be annoyed with you (though it amazes me on MN just how many people seem to fall pregnant using contraception correctly). Other posters aren't being an arse to you nor are they having an issue with your age, when they talk about your financial vulnerability they are doing so from a good place. There are too many threads on here of women who've had multiple children, not got themselves legally protected (by marriage or other legal arrangements) and find themselves complaining that they get nothing in the event of a split. These women were the ones who'd say "but he's not a dickhead, he said he'll provide, children are a bigger commitment than a piece of paper etc". It should give you some food for thought anyway

Op, EVERY SINGLE THREAD where a woman is an unmarried SAHM people say exactly the same thing. You have more protection with marriage. Marriage gives you legal rights.

And it is nonsense to say having children is a bigger commitment to a partner than marriage. Marriage is a commitment to the partner. Having children is a commitment to the children.

He cannot blame you for getting pregnant as you are both responsible for contraception. But lying about it will cause resentment, mistrust and could have him rethink the relationship and end it.

people just generally hate on young parents I get it all the time 😂😂

I don’t think this is true at all. I think people do take issue with immature parents though, whatever their age. You can be 19 with a baby, behaving maturely and responsibly - or you can be 21 with a baby but unable to have a normal adult conversation with your partner to discuss that you’re pregnant .

45k at 22? Have you seen his payslip? I don't think even the top investment banking schemes pay that

45k is normal for Investment Banking.

The average starting salary for a lawyer is 55k so it’s definitely believable he earns 45k at 22.

This isn't true. Only a handful of City law firms pay their trainees 55k so the average starting salary is definitely lower than that. 45k is realistic though.

its judgemental people like the ones on this thread judging the OP that is one of the reasons why i, as a young mother nearly suffered with PND. get off your fucking high horses and stop mentioning the OP and her partners age when thats got nothing to do with what she has posted about. She is an adult, her partner is an adult and by the sounds of it they sound a lot more mature than you lot commenting being bitchy and childish about the OPs age. Judgemental comments on young mothers will forever piss me off and you all need to shutup and just comment if youre going to actually answer her question rant over

@ChangeItChild i know people in their 30s who would be stressed about providing for a family of three so what a bloody stupid comment youve just made. His age is irrelevent

@iamtinkabella age is definitely not irrelevant, maturity, experience and life experience are contributing factors that help people learn how to deal with the stresses and pressures of life.

Supporting a family if 5 is a daunting responsibility for a 30 year old (or 40 year old) but even more so for a 22 year old, I completely understand him feeling stressed.

I'd tell him and also discuss how you and the children are financially protected outside of marriage, which is really a contract with a fancy party tagged on.

Good luck though, sounds like you're a good partnership overall

Is there someone you trust and are close to that you could tell first?

Your DP might not take it well, so it would be good to have someone to chat with.

Of course he has no right to take it badly, he is as responsible as you are. But people's immediate reactions to big news often aren't reasonable!

I agree with other posters who say that marriage offers you far more security. Also ensure you have good life insurance cover.

The PP who questioned whether the OP knows for sure he earns that much does raise an interesting point.

If the boyfriend doesn’t actually earn that much and now has to support a third child and a move; we’ll then it would be no wonder he is stressed out to the extreme extend that he is.

A situation where your partner is struggling with stress and depression and finds his job very stressful is also quite likely not to be stable long term, especially with the stress level at home and financially going up. So you really do need to give some thought to what you will do if he can't hack this job any more or becomes too ill to work, as well as if the relationship ends.

It’s fairly unlikely that he’s on a graduate scheme - unless people really do deliberately plan and have children whilst at university? Could still be earning £45k though.

Yes you need to tell him, and yes you need to sort out a way to protect yourself financially.

He's an engineer for a defence company so that's why he earns so much!

I think age is relevant because at 21 with 2 children (and one on the way), she's unlikely to have built up significant work experience so she's especially vulnerable as an unmarried stay at home mum. If the worst happens and the partner is no longer willing or able to support her she'll be in a very tough situation with three small dependants. Of course she could end up in that situation even if they were married but I still think a quick trip to the registry office would be sensible.