Gender (sex) disappointment

[HopefulFor2020]

Yes, I know it's sex not gender and I am usually one of those who correct people before I can stop myself but I think the accepted term is 'gender disappointment'.

Anyway....

Currently 7 weeks pregnant and DP and I both definitely have a preference on sex (the same for both of us). I feel bloody awful about this, I'm terrified that we'll find out the sex and we'll be horrifically disappointed. Certainly not to the point of terminating or anything drastic like that but I am worried that because our preference is so strong it might affect our bond with the baby.

DP has 2 dcs from a previous relationship and I have 1 so this will be our first together and definitely our last.

Does anyone have any experience of 'gender disappointment' and positive experiences?

I didn't find out the baby's sex until born.
Wanted a girl, became convinced I was carrying a boy. Felt mildly disappointed, but wasn't really bothered tbh.
Had a girl after all.
I guess it's one of those things you have no control over but can't help thinking about!

Just don't find out. By the time you come to actually have it, you will be so delighted that the pregnancy is finally over that a healthy howling baby of either sex will be very welcome.

I never asked what I was having as at the point where I might have been able to find out, I always wanted a particular sex of baby and didn't want to fell 'oh shit' about the one I was growing. By 38 weeks, I longer cared. I'd just had enough of feeling like a whale.

I did think about not finding out but trying to weigh up whether I'll just spend longer worrying about it that way? Would finding out give me time to get my head around it?

In opposition, I'd say find out as soon as you can so you can get over it.

NIPT costs around £500 and will tell you from 10 weeks.

i disagree with most people on finding out the sex- I think you should more so if you have a preference, to get your head round what you are having and get excited thinking of a name and buying things.

I knew I'd feel disappointment if I had a second DS. Not because I didn't want a boy again but because it meant that I may possibly have to go through another hell of a pregnancy if I even wanted to try for a girl, something I'm really not mentally prepared for. Plus there's so many boys on DH side anyway.

We're having a girl this time, but I knew it would take me time to get over it had we found out we were expecting a boy again.

I would find out ASAP to give you time to come to term with the gender of your baby.

I take it you're both hoping for the same sex.
Would it help to really examine the reasons why you are so fixed on preferring one over the other? And what you would get from a child of one sex that you couldn't from the other?

I'm in exactly the same position. Have a son and want a girl. I keep finding myself assuming and imagining it's a girl.

We are finding out in 4 weeks at the 20 week scan what we are having so that I have time to digest it and by excited about having a bit if it is.

Methods I am using.

Came up with a lovely name for a boy so I can imagine little Oscar running around with his brother and think how nice that will be.

Refer to baby as he even though we don't know to get used to the idea.

We are only planning (and have room for ) 1 more so it's either 2 stinky boys or 1 of each sex of stinky children.

My friend had this she wanted a girl very badly so she booked sex scan at 16 weeks to find out and prepare herself if it was a boy. Turns out she is having a boy but now she couldn’t be happier.

We are both hoping for the same (thankfully! This would be worse if we both wanted different I think). He's hoping for a 3rd of the same and I'm hoping for the 'opposite' of my dc. Really we see them all as 'our kids' but I've never done the baby stage of one sex and he's just always wanted that.

My reasons are completely irrelevant I think because I am fully aware of (and happy with) the fact that I could end up with a 'tomboyish' girl or an 'effeminate' boy and I'm ok with that. As long as my children are happy and comfortable with themselves that's all I want so it's not like I'm desperate for a football mad boy or girly girl to go shopping with.

I think I've actually managed to talk myself into relaxing about it a lot. Still concerned about how DP will be though!

I think we're going to book a private scan at 16 weeks and ask them to write down the sex so we can find out when it's just us. I'd feel so silly and probably as if I was being (quite rightly) judged if I was really disappointed in front of a sonographer!

Myself, I'm glad I didn't find out. I really wanted a girl, but right from the start of anyone guessed I was having a boy I'd fall into a depressive funk for a whole day. So I was happiest with the belief I was having a girl. My mil desperately wanted a grandson and I resented that she was being so pushy with calling baby a "boy" when it was really just unknown. So there was that too. I know it's pretty but my hormones play havoc on my mental health. And since I knew I'd be depressed one way but not the other, I thought I'd be best off simply letting myself live in the belief that I was having a girl.

It worked. No depression. Unlike my friend who wanted a boy but found out very early it was a girl, and so she spent months and months and months downright depressed about it. Then the birth came and she was happy. So I thought I'd save myself the chance of duplicating her experience.

Labour day came. Had mutual life threatening
shoulder dystorcia complicationn. Also had unplanned drug free water birth, because I flunked out of other options. And had an in-sac delivery. And a baby in NICU with mild breathing problems and sepsis, because they think he swallowed poo.

Yep, he. A boy. I was disappointed and still today want to have a girl, but I love my baby boy and would have been devastated if anything had happened to him. But I'm also glad I didn't know he was a boy, because I would've been depressed during pregnancy -- and wouldn't that have been a fun guilt trip to have while he was hooked up to machines in NICU.

Wait until the birth, you'll be so thrilled you have finally had it it won't matter, and it's quite nice to have your DH tell you whether you have a son or a daughter.

I'd be lying if I said I didn't have a preference. I have two sons and everyone in the world thinks I want a girl but actually that's not the case. My reasons are complex, I was the first girl baby for a long time in my extended family, which you think would be great but the one before my died so everyone found it hard to be around baby me. My mum and I haven't spoken for about six years (for unrelated reasons) and she doesn't love me. Therefore I feel really conflicted about a girl, like somehow we couldn't love each other.

The reality is though, that my two sons are completely different people. I mean, total opposites. So I know that no matter which sex my current pregnancy turns out to be, they will be their own person regardless of what's between their legs.

I have chosen not to find out, as the joy of holding my new baby I know will wash away any doubts about the sex. I do think I'm having a girl though!

Such a tricky area, I've been through this and it really is true that in the event it doesn't matter at all, but it's so hard to accept this when you have your heart set on one or the other.

We found out sex at 20 weeks and felt it was the right thing at the time as it gave us and our DC1 time to accept - it wasn't the result she wanted- but when dc2 arrived it was all completely forgotten. I think now, would we love DC2 more if opposite sex? No of course not! Wouldn't change a thing! But this is the long term situation - I think it's the short term acceptance which is the more difficult one, once you have the new baby it doesn't matter.

I had a private scan with ds3 to find out. I had a preference and wanted to know otherwise I would have been thinking up names for a girl etc.

Anyway he was a healthy baby boy, I was sad for a day or so that I would never have a girl but then I was fine and got excited to welcome another lovely boy. He is 3 now 😍

I had a prefrence with dd2. At the 20 week scan she had her legs crossed. I had to have another at 36 weeks anyway and the told me then.

When they told me it was a girl I didn't really care, if you had asked me before hand I would have said I would, but it was more "oh ok".

The preference wasn’t as strong for DH and I but it was there, and that’s one of the reasons we chose not to find out the sex of the baby at any scans. While it was still just a black and white picture of something that looked like a prawn on a screen, I really think I’d have felt significant disappointment and probably dwelled on it during the rest of the pregnancy. By the time they were actually born (long induction!) I couldn’t have given a shit if they were a green alien so long as they were here and healthy, so the tactic worked!

I'm genuinely confused at how people can be depressed at having one of the other.
Really?

Why’s it confusing that people have a preference?

If u dont get what u want then just think how lucky u are to be pregnant & have a healthy baby, ive never cared what i get but i lost a baby at 20wks & does give u a different way of thinking.
I do think even if u dont get what u want it will pass & in the end it wouldnt bother u.

I wouldn't find out but then I always think that the result isn't always accurate anyway.

I don't understand this gender disappointment because ~I was happy to have 2 healthy babies.

Everyone though (well 99.9%) always love their children the same regardless of what they end up with. I don’t see why people are so quick to judge other people’s preferences.
I hate the throwing of infertility in pregnant women’s faces, one woman getting pregnant has no bearing on another’s ability.

People can feel like this PP because of their previous life experiences. It doesn't necessarily make it wrong just because you don't feel the same way. People are different & many feel awful about it because they're told (in forums like this) that it's wrong to have those feelings. It doesn't necessarily mean they will love the child any less once they arrive.

OP, personally I would find out sooner rather than later, so that you can get past the disappointment for when the baby arrives.