Gender (sex) disappointment

[HopefulFor2020]

Yes, I know it's sex not gender and I am usually one of those who correct people before I can stop myself but I think the accepted term is 'gender disappointment'.

Anyway....

Currently 7 weeks pregnant and DP and I both definitely have a preference on sex (the same for both of us). I feel bloody awful about this, I'm terrified that we'll find out the sex and we'll be horrifically disappointed. Certainly not to the point of terminating or anything drastic like that but I am worried that because our preference is so strong it might affect our bond with the baby.

DP has 2 dcs from a previous relationship and I have 1 so this will be our first together and definitely our last.

Does anyone have any experience of 'gender disappointment' and positive experiences?

I knew I'd get some of these comments. I KNOW it's frowned upon to have a preference which is why I feel guilty for feeling like this, I'm posting on an anonymous forum and even planning on hiding it from medical staff! I'm not going to give away my baby because it's the 'wrong' sex so less of the judgement from those who are so holier than thou thanks. I have struggled with multiple miscarriages and an utterly heartbreaking termination for medical reasons so I don't need the 'as long as it's healthy' and 'you're so ungrateful' tripe. I don't get why people post on threads when they have nothing constructive or useful to contribute but here we are

Sorry OP I'm not sympathetic I'm afraid. Those of us fortunate to have kids should be grateful.

We spend our lives telling our kids it's what's inside that matters (not ovaries but being a good, kind person) and this gender preference is so not that. And I think it encourages gender stereotypes.

I have to say it was recurrent miscarriage that made me give up on any sex preference, so I am surprised that this has not had that impact for you OP (though we are all different obviously). I have two of the same sex, but they are not the same at all in personality and parenting each of them is a different experience. I think you would feel less disappointed at birth as you actually have your beautiful baby there in front of you so if you wished they were different you'd be wishing them away - whereas just heading at a scan I think could be worse.

Don't find out.
I never wanted to feel disappointment in my babies' existence. I had a gender preference. I never found out because I knew I'd be disappointed by a theoretical boy, but not in an actual boy I had just birthed.

I can genuinely tell my children I wasn't disappointed, particularly my 3rd son who it means a lot to.

I don't think having a preference is frowned on by the way, but I think having concerns that you would be "horrifically disappointed" sounds like more than just a preference!

So don't comment, just move on. I'm not saying that I'm ungrateful to be fortunate enough to be pregnant. I don't need anyone telling me that I'm wrong and how I can live my life better (trust me, there's a lot worse you could pick on!). I asked if anyone had any positive stories

? I'll put your prickliness down to the pregnancy hormones, hope it all goes well for you!

I’ve never had a preference (I have 3 DC), but I understand that some people do.
However the phrase ‘horrifically disappointed’ is awful.

To reiterate, people's life experiences can influence how they feel about this. There are some things you won't be able to do with a child of one or the other sex, even if you don't intend to gender stereotype (we certainly won't be stereotyping - I bloody hate all that pink or blue stuff).

And yes there is judgement, it's visible by some of the comments on this thread 🤦

I will absolutely concede that 'horrifically disappointed' was bad phrasing. Pregnancy hormones or not I do tend to exaggerate phrases and don't think about how that will translate to people who don't know me well and don't know to take what I'm saying with a very large pinch of salt.

I know I will (and already do) love my baby no matter what. I'm not even sure if I'll be disappointed. I just know that as of this moment I do have a preference and I do feel belittled by phrases such as 'as long as it's healthy'. My last baby was not healthy and we had some terrible times but I don't love them any less for it

I understand how you feel OP I have 2 daughters and pregnant with my third due in a couple of weeks. I’ve been desperate for a son for years and while I was happy to have my 2 girls, I still longed for the experience of a boy. I didn’t get to find out the sex of this baby as he/she is very squashed up so I’ve never been able to see during scans! I know I will love the baby if it’s another girl but I’d be so happy if it was a boy as it’s my last baby it feels like a chapter closing already. It’s a normal feeling as long as you love the baby and take care of them it’s fine to wonder ‘what life could have been’ ignore the snotty comments if they haven’t experienced it they shouldn’t post judgemental opinions. Best of luck OP.

Look there is a big deal made of families of "one of each" as if they are somehow perfect and I think for many people that's the ideal - so they have the experience of a son and a daughter. Your dh is probably unusual in desiring more of the same. But from the children's point of view having a same sex sibling can, I strongly imagine and it's the case for mine, be seen as preferable. It is cheaper too as I have passed far more down!
I will never have a dd but I'm hoping when the (far away) day comes that one of them has a female partner that I'll have taken on enough mil advice from here to have a good relationship with her

Hello
I had a preference. We are only having one child and decided to find out. I wanted time to get used to the idea if it wasn't what I hoped and it wasn't but knowing gave me the opportunity to somehow connect better with the little blob growing in my belly.

Now baby is here I am still occasionally freaking out about them growing up and what the hell I am supposed to do with them being the gender they are.

Now baby is here I can't even imagine it being the other way around and love them dearly.

Oh, to be honest I can't be arsed pussy footing around all this new gender neutral bollocks. Fine be whatever you want, stop harping on about it!

I was totally convinced i would have a girl with dc2. I really wnated dc2 to be a girl. So when i found out at the 20 week scan, I was utterly disappointed.
This left me several months to get over it and was very happy when dc2 arrived, a very healthy boy :)

I have to say I am happy i found out his sex as i think i would have found much harder if i had discovered that at the time of the birth.

I'm 21 weeks pregnant when I found out I was pregnant for some reason I really wanted a girl and felt sick at the thought of a boy evan tho I've already got one of each - at 16 weeks I had a gender scan and it's a boy lol at first I was a little sad that i wont be doing girly things like I imagined but at 19 weeks I felt him kicking and our bond is amazing I cant imagine been pregnant with a girl I'm now dreaming of my snuggly little man

fwiw i dont have an issue with the expression 'disappointed' or even 'horrifically disappointed'.
I do have an issue when parents go for a gender reveal scan and broke oyt that it's horrible that they are expecting a boy/girl in front of an older sibling who is a boy/girl. I have an isue when they are putting that sex/gender down in front of a child of theirs who is of that gender.

and i agree that the 'as long as its healthy' is condescending. Its minimising your feelings t start with. Its also usually from people who dont care about said sex and are happy no matter what.

My partner wanted a boy, ended up with a girl and he wouldn’t change her for the world, they have the best bond ever and he is absolutely obsessed with her and now glad that we had a girl!

I think gender preference is fairly common actually, judging by the number of people who tell me I'm so lucky to have one of each; probably a lot of people do think about doing stereotypical activities with their children as they grow, or having a 'balance' in the family so I don't think it's terrible at all, shake off that guilt OP, you know once they're here you will love them just the same.

I do think having a preference is normal (also normal not to) but I'm sure my worry about my reaction is tipping over into abnormal.

I would never speak about this to anyone irl apart from DP and possibly my Mum. Certainly not the children! I don't feel comfortable taking children to ultrasounds anyway. I'm very anxious around anything 'medical' and would worry that something would go wrong and I wouldn't know how to explain it to the kids

I took my children with me there 12 tho -they knew I wanted a girl and my hubby wanted a boy but my biggest fear was I hoped to god it wasnt twins again like my first children lol luckly it's not - my son goes every where with his dad proper boy my daughter is a mini me - I'm hoping this little man is a mummy's boy unlike my other son then again I'm pleased it's not a girl as my daughter has hit puberty and going threw a vile teenage stage dont think I can do another girls hormones lol

Ah it's totally normal, and yes I did and I cried and admitting this now I feel like such an idiot.

I'm one of three girls, we've never had a boy in our family. I've got 4 boy cousins not very close and they are foreign to me lol. So yeah I knew deep down I was having a boy and my family all hyped up I was pregnant with a girl so I felt so gutted when I found out I was having a boy.

It last a day or so and when he was born (i hit myself now) I fell so in love with him, he's beautiful, funny and so loving.

I'm 11 weeks pregnant, we're not finding out this one. I'm not so bothered this time, if it's a boy I have loads of lovely clothes I can use again but I would be lying if I said I wouldn't be a little tiny frustrated it wasn't a girl as I won't be having anymore.

People have mentioned healthy babies too, that's what got me over it pretty quickly, I was so bloody worried something might be wrong and he was totally healthy. That's all that matters x

Hi Op. I understand. I had gender disappointment with my 2nd and I was so ashamed. I couldn’t believe it as I had no preference the 1st time and I’d also had a miscarriage in my 1st pregnancy so was desperate for a healthy baby. I had a girl and really wanted another, and I was convinced that I was carrying another girl. I’m not sure why I felt so strongly exactly, but I sort of made up reasons (I’d only had brothers and longed for a sister, very male dominated household, materialistic as I wanted to reuse all the same lovely ‘Girls’ things). The problem is all of it is a bit irrational. It has absolutely no bearing on the little person they will become. Just try to remember that. I found out the sex so I could get used to the idea either way and Since my son has been born Ive adored him and I’ve not thought about my longed for 2nd girl other than a small pang of sadness at getting rid of the little handmade dresses, hardly the be all and end all of life!

I definitely had a preference. If I'm honest I'd have been quite happy with all my children being a particular sex.
And I had pregnancy losses too. They didn't change how I felt. I was delighted to be pregnant but I still had a preference for a particular sex child - not due to any particular reasons that I could have articulated, although my family relationships probably played a role.
I've experienced children of both sexes now. And of course I adore them all and I'm glad I didn't get what I thought I wanted. But, had I had three children of the opposite sex to my preference, I think I would still feel sad about that. I don't think that makes me a bad person.
I didn't find out in advance and I think only you can tell whether it will help or not. I know you'll love your little one when they arrive but it's ok to have a preference and it's ok to be sad if that doesn't happen for you.

A "proper boy" heaven fucking help us.

Hello, yes this was me a few months ago. I have a ds and wanted a dd next, I didnt feel overly bothered about it until we went for a 16 week gender scan and found out it was a boy. I am ashamed to admit, I cried for quite a lot, and after that, I felt sad everytime I passed a baby girl in the street or seen baby girl clothes in the shops.

Its a very hard feeling to explain to those who hav'nt experienced it, because I wasn't dissapointed about having a boy, I was sad over the girl that I wouldn't get to have and all the girl things I would never get to do.

It has now passed and im thrilled to be having two boys, but I was so ashamed at how I had felt and so I did alot of research and it is a real thing! There are books written on it and although alot of people arent brave enough to admit it, its a really common thing.

Im glad we found out early and alone because it gave me time to come to terms with it.

Dont feel ashamed, no matter what happens, when baby is born you will be thrilled either way. Congratulations on your pregnancy 🙂