13 weeks and still hates me...

[Expectantdadben]

We had the dating scan last week and I was begrudgingly let in. She barely looked at the screen the entire time.

We had 5 pictures of the baby which she didn't look at and still hasn't

She's still either ignoring me or screaming at me and spending all her spare time with a male friend (I'm his 60's - very odd).

I'm still on the sofa, no closer to any resolution and still doing everything I can for her.

She won't discuss anything and I'm sat patiently waiting for her to initiate any sort of conversation.

I ask how she is every day (usually get a snapped answer), ask if she needs anything and try to be as attentive as possible.

It's not making any difference.

How else can I show support without knowing exactly what she needs?

You haven't actually stated as to why she's acting like this towards you??

So why is she not speaking to you?

I'm not entirely sure (I started another thread a week or so but wasn't sure then either)

She's generally become more and more distant since we found out (was excited at first) and she's pushing constantly as though she's looking for a fight.

To begin with I was snapping but I've gotten that under control but she's not engaging with the fact she's pregnant and has suffered with fatigue etc.

I try to do as much as I can but everything is wrong.

She called time on our relationship due to a silly squabble over the bins but allowed to stay in the house.

She's rude, obnoxious, ignoring me constantly or shouting at me.

She was a dream until she fell pregnant.

her daughters dad bailed out immediately when she fell pregnant but I love her to bits and don't want to lose her and will be there for her and the baby no matter what.... But she's making it so hard.

Go ask her if you're not sure? Difficult to advise when we've only got your side of the story 🤷🏽‍♀️

There could be a hundred reasons - hormonal, scared, depressed....

Can't ask her, she refuses talk to me.

Won't engage in any conversation at all, often won't reply when I ask how she's feeling.

She cooked dinner for herself and daughter tonight without asking if I wanted anything....

Its like I'm not here.

Any relationship we had seems to be long gone. I can't even go to bed when I want because I'm sleeping on the sofa and she's still in the lounge watching a film.... Suggested I'd like to go to bed but just get shrugged at me.

It's like I've cheated on her or something.

Really difficult not knowing he situation but I would guess it might be to do with her previous partner leaving soon after becoming pregnant before? It could have a traumatic time, depending on circumstances. Sometimes we feel like we've moved on from bad experiences but something triggers those feelings again and all those hormones wont be helping. Maybe shes subconsciously expecting you to behave the same, despite your intentions. Is there an middle person you could talk to - a family member or friend of hers?

She hasn't got many friends. The only one she actually spends time with is the guy who doesn't like me. Definitely has an ulterior motive.

Her mum was helping me out but they've just had an argument and her dad doesn't know.

There have been a few comments along the lines of "no one says you have to stay here" etc so it's like she's trying to drive me away so she can prove herself right.

She's in a bad place and apart from doing house work, there's nothing else I can seem to do.

If I leave to give her space then I'm just like the other guy. If I stay i feel like I'm invading her home and she hates me being here....

And this guy friend of hers has stayed 5 out of the last 4 weekends and is staying next weekend too....

I really think you need to give her some space and then try and talk more calmly once you've got that distance between you. Can you go and stay with family or friends for a couple of weeks?

Wait...she won't speak to you, makes food for herself and her DD while ignoring you completely, you feel like a stranger in your own home, she is pregnant and spends all her free time with this other bloke, and he's also sleeping at your house?

Is this for real?

Are you sure it's yours? Sorry to be blunt but it has to be considered. She clearly wants you gone. Can you leave?

Or is she testing you to see if you are going to leave, like her last one did?

I admire your patience but I wouldn’t tolerate her friend staying over. Time for a blunt discussion.

hi i think you should have it out with her 1 to 1 as this can't carry on like this (it's not good for either of you or her dd) it sounds like you are trying your best to cling on but that's just allowing her to get away with her cold behaviour towards you.....how about trying an unexpected approach and buy a cute baby grow for new baby and a boquet of flowers and give them to her and start a conversation by laying your cards out on the table and tell her how much you love her and want to be part of her life,kids lives and have a happy future together BUT....since she's became pregnant she has acted very distant and cold towards you and the pregnancy......WHY??? ask her what she wants to happen and leave the ball in her court! make sure you know from this conversation where you stand.... you might have to prepare for the worst (end of the relationship) and perhaps moving out depending on the sircumstances but continue to be as involved as you can with the pregnancy!?

Also if this friend is staying over and you're on the sofa....where exactly is he sleeping?

Sounds like she's ended the relationship, you need to move out. Once the baby arrives you need a DNA test to confirm if you are actually the father. If you are you can arrange access and child maintenance.

It's her house so I'm a bit stuck. He stays in the spare room and I've got no doubts about being the baby's dad.

There's nothing like that between them but it does make time together on weekends impossible.

I think she is testing me and when I did stay at a friend's for a few days she was quite upset and told me that she didn't say I had to go.

The last week has been more tolerable but the 3 weeks before were awful. She's starting to ease up and I've been warned by her folks that she's always been slow to back down. She's also been prescribed antidepressants which I'm not sure she taking.

We'll find out the sex of the baby this week (blood tests) so that might give us a starting point to have a conversation but trying to start anything at the moment is just going to cause another fight and she's stressed out as it is.

If I leave, I know it'll be a one way ticket....but walking out on the woman I love when she's pregnant, hormonal and suffering from depression isn't who I am.

You should sleep in the spare room if there's a bed on there, not on the sofa.

Are you paying rent? Towards the bills etc?

It sounds as though she might have perinatal depression, if there's really been no external reason for what sounds almost like a personality change.

Presumably her first pregnancy was experienced as traumatic.

How long has she been prescribed antidepressants - long term or just since this episode began? If she's stopped taking long term antidepressants or bipolar medication cold turkey out of fear they'll harm the baby this could cause severe changes in behaviour.

I wonder whether you would be better off posting on the mental health board. You could also make your own GP appointment to discuss how best to support her - do you have the same GP? Obviously they won't be able to tell you anything confidential but could advise you on support.

Maybe start with asking to talk when it is a good time (step-daughter in bed etc) and put your feelings on the line and ask her about how she is feeling, you want to help her and support her but you need to communicate with me so I can help. Explain that you want to be her shoulder for support, not this 60 yr old bloke. You want it to work out and be a family so explain this and you’ll do whatever it takes. Would a gesture like flowers and cooking dinner for her work? Not to be rude but don’t stand by like a sap expecting her to come to you and make you dinner, sometimes you got to take the first step, or it maybe that you have to make the effort a lot because she is depressed and finds it hard to make any effort with anything. Maybe suggest couples counselling or counselling just her or both?

I think you may need to try these things and if you’re not getting anything back, set yourself a time limit like 4 weeks and if no improvement, it sounds like she’s mentally checked out of the relationship and you should move on and out of the house. I hope it doesn’t come to this though.

I know someone very well whose husband walked out on her when their child was 3 months old. She then got pregnant while in a stable, committed relationship and OMG she was a nightmare. Lashing out, pushing boundaries, doing everything she could to make the relationship untenable. Four years on and it's not been forgotten, it put a huge rift in her relationship (chap was like you and didn't want to leave and stuck it out with her).

If you want to stay, then you have to insist on counselling because how she was when pg was nothing compared to how she was post-natally. I actually think it would have been easier for the bloke involved to have moved out and then tried to find a way back to the relationship afterwards.

It is horrendous though and you both have my sympathy - it's not nice for her either.

You can talk to her GP to let them know she's behaving so strangely.
GP won't be able to discuss anything with you but can note what you say, which could help the next time she sees the doctor.

Bless you, you honestly sound like a genuinely lovely guy who is trying to do the right thing but I am sorry, pregnant or not pregnant she is being totally out of order. The fact that she is having another guy stopping over a lot of weekends and he has the privilege of the spare bed and you are stuck on the sofa is just disgusting in my opinion and it sounds as though you deserve so much better.
I admit pregannt women do go through some crazy emotions I have had my fair share of snapping and being horrible to my partner but that is as far as it goes if he hasn't actually done anything to drastic wrong

You need to give her no choice and sit her down and tell her how your feeling, both of you be cant spending the remaining months living like this.

You sound lovely. She does not. Depression and trauma from her experiences with her first pregnancy are understandable, but treating you this way is not. Her experiences are not an excuse to treat people like shit.

Maybe she is pushing you away because she wants you to prove that you won't leave her, and maybe you think that sticking around is doing something amazing for her that will heal her from her past and that you will end up a big happy family. But her behaviour is abusive, and it is not your responsibility to heal her. It's her responsibility.

She is either punishing you for something her ex did and expecting (unreasonably) you to prove to her that you won't leave no matter how badly she treats you, or she doesn't want to be in a relationship with you at all.

Either way, if I was in your position, I'd leave.

A friend of mine went through exactly the same when his partner fell pregnant. They were initially delighted then she turned and they split. He believed it was her intense pregnancy hormones and found an online forum of men who experienced the same. For some the relationships were over, for others they struggled on and recovered when the baby arrived.

For my friend it was a happy ending. As soon as she had given birth she returned to being the woman he fell in love with and they have been together ever since.

Given her previous partner leaving during pregnancy this sounds remarkably similar. The best advice I can offer is to move out for your own sanity but to remain there for her in the background so that you’re there waiting if things turn around.