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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

13 weeks and still hates me...

65 replies

Expectantdadben · 25/08/2019 22:58

We had the dating scan last week and I was begrudgingly let in. She barely looked at the screen the entire time.

We had 5 pictures of the baby which she didn't look at and still hasn't

She's still either ignoring me or screaming at me and spending all her spare time with a male friend (I'm his 60's - very odd).

I'm still on the sofa, no closer to any resolution and still doing everything I can for her.

She won't discuss anything and I'm sat patiently waiting for her to initiate any sort of conversation.

I ask how she is every day (usually get a snapped answer), ask if she needs anything and try to be as attentive as possible.

It's not making any difference.

How else can I show support without knowing exactly what she needs?

OP posts:
Original poster
Expectantdadben · 26/08/2019 16:07

She's refused point blank to talk. No exceptions.

I contribute circa 20k a year to her (she has no mortgage so just bills and food) so she doesn't need to work If she doesn't want to.... She does because she thinks I'm trying to control her.

Her last pregnancy wasn't a good place by the sounds of it but she had no one to lash out at or stand up to her.

I've made myself scarce when her friend comes over because I'll end up saying something and as patient as I am, I'm at the end of that as far as he's concerned.

She is seeing how far she can push me which is why I'm determined to ride it out and hope the old her comes back. She was an absolute dream previously and its like someone flicked a switch when she fell pregnant

I need to reach out to her in the same way you reach out to a nervous stray dog you're trying to catch and try to win her over. (poor analogy but that's how it seems) but that's where I'm struggling.

I'm quite upfront and will discuss anything to clear the air as quickly as possible. She was too... Until she fell pregnant.

Now she's a nightmare

How can I lure her close enough so she instigates a conversation.

My best bet is when we get the results back and find out if its a boy or girl. Surely that makes it very real??

OP posts:
Original poster
Expectantdadben · 26/08/2019 16:09

If I move out I can't afford to support her financially and she'll have to go back to work which puts her and the baby at risk again. I can't have that.

If I leave then I'm just like the other guy and theres now way back.....

OP posts:
Apolloanddaphne · 26/08/2019 16:13

Gosh that sounds very difficult. I suspect it is related to pregnancy hormones coupled with her experience from last time but that doesn't make it any easier for you to cope with. Does she chat freely with her friend?

nothingsreallynewunderthesun · 26/08/2019 16:31

Expectantdadben I just read your other thread, and it changes things a lot IMO.

In the other thread you say you'd only been together 3 months when she got pregnant - how are you figuring that you give her 20k per year - when did you start giving her money? Aren't you in fact at least in part paying rent and living expenses rather than just giving her free cash?

In your other thread you say you "can't have" her going back to work and endangering the baby - what's that about?

You barely know one another and the "she was a dream before she got pregnant" comments are a bit odd given you had only just met.

Most people with an existing young child would be at the stage of thinking through whether / when to introduce a new boy/ girlfriend to their child at the 6 months stage of a relationship but you've been living together a while and adore her child.

It sounds as though you've moved much too fast given the crucial game changing fact she already has a young child, and it's very possible she really does think you're being controlling if you've moved in and are trying to get her to give up work and live on money you give her after knowing one another such a short time.

nothingsreallynewunderthesun · 26/08/2019 16:32

Sorry the comment about how you "can't have" her working is above on this thread!

Original poster
Expectantdadben · 26/08/2019 16:50

She orchestrated the move thew out most of my stuff and I ended up with just enough to fill the boot of my car.

She told me I didn't have to pay any thing at all but I insisted.

And I could live far more comfortably than I do now for less than 20k a year. I'd even have a bed to sleep in!

She has no outgoings as such so my contribution only needs to be circa £400 a month for my share. The extra is to give her the option. She can spend it on what she likes.

Our situation on paper is far from ideal but this is where we are and I'm trying my best to salvage it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Expectantdadben · 26/08/2019 16:53

And can't have her working isn't meant like I've chained her to a chair.

She does shitty cleaning work and ends up carrying heavy boxes etc because people take advantage

That stresses her out and she's trying to get out of.

Her daughter goes with her when she's off school so doesn't have holidays and she's planning on taking the baby with her when it's born.....

If thats ideal then I'll reduce my contribution.

OP posts:
Original poster
Expectantdadben · 26/08/2019 17:00

And I've just got "home" and her friend is here... Again.

OP posts:
littleorangecat22 · 26/08/2019 17:10

Wait, you were only together three months before she got pregnant? And you give her money?

I suspect she doesn't want this relationship with you, but does want the money.

Move out. Let her work to support herself.

Original poster
Expectantdadben · 26/08/2019 17:12

She's from a hugely wealthy family so I'm poor in comparison.

OP posts:
nothingsreallynewunderthesun · 26/08/2019 17:17

littleorangecat22 he'll have to pay child support, he can't move out and not pay for the baby he's keen to keep.

I just wonder what the pregnant woman's side of this story is, in the context of this being such a very short relationship.

Now it sounds as though there's a substantial power imbalance.

Who's exploiting who here may well be open to interpretation, even if neither party think they're doing anything wrong.

Either way they've moved far too fast, he shouldn't even have met his girlfriend's little daughter yet, let alone moved in to her apparently outgoings free house and decided he can't have her working...

How does she have no outgoings on her own house (mortgage free?) yet do "shitty" cleaning work?

nothingsreallynewunderthesun · 26/08/2019 17:19

Cross posted.

She's from a hugely wealthy family, has a mortgage free house, but does shitty cleaning work which stresses her out and can't afford childcare? Hmm

Original poster
Expectantdadben · 26/08/2019 17:21

She cleans for 10 an hour because she refuses help from her family.

She would rather drag her daughter round than accept help.

OP posts:
Original poster
Expectantdadben · 26/08/2019 17:25

Listen, I get this isn't an "ideal" situation but this is where I am.

Unless anyone can transport me back to the beginning of the year so I could make wiser choices then I'd like some constructive advice instead of the judgement please.

OP posts:
nothingsreallynewunderthesun · 26/08/2019 17:28

Just move out and pay your £400 per month as child support, or whatever it works out as, and get a formal written schedule of visitation - little and often until the baby is a child old enough to know what's going on, then eow and half of school holidays.

It sounds like a mess and living seperately but being a decent human being and not trying to evade your responsibility to your baby nor control your very short term girlfriend's life by bribing her not to work and living on her sofa would doubtless be best for all 4 people involved.

What on earth does the pregnant girlfriend's daughter think is going on in the entire mess?

Original poster
Expectantdadben · 26/08/2019 17:47

Well at this point I still don't know if she wants the baby or not. She won't discuss it. She might be planning to terminate next week for all I know.

She's in the garden playing happy families with her daughter and 60 year old best mate and my attempts to join in have been thrown back in my face.

So I'm cooking and trying not to lose my cool.... Love it.

OP posts:
Jesse70 · 26/08/2019 18:03

Wow u sound like an absolute star! I don't know how u have managed to struggle through so far.
Is there anyway u could speak to her mate? I know u said u don't like him but he might have an idea of what's up. How long have u been together?
If she won't speak to you is there anyway of letting her know how u feel and explaining that u want the baby u love her and your not about to leave her? Either through her friend/mum or even a letter or text?
I really do feel for u I know I wouldn't be so understanding

Paddyodoors · 26/08/2019 18:09

No advice but I really feel for you. To be treated like that in your home must be awful.

Original poster
Expectantdadben · 26/08/2019 18:11

I've tried a letter and she replied saying she wishes she wasn't pregnant. I text her to tell her how much she means to me and how much I want the baby but will support her either way.

We fell out over the rubbish and she's blocked my number on what'sapp.

I tried her mum but she won't get involved because she's getting shouted at. She also has the police at her door courtesy of my darling other half (if that's what she is)

Her friend has an ulterior motive and if he had anything about him would understand that we need some space to be together. He doesn't.

OP posts:
NeelixFelicis · 26/08/2019 23:26

I've tried a letter and she replied saying she wishes she wasn't pregnant.

Then she doesn't have to be.

Her friend has an ulterior motive and if he had anything about him would understand that we need some space to be together. He doesn't.

Are you sure he isn't the Dad?

NeelixFelicis · 26/08/2019 23:30

Grab your dignity & get out of there OP, insist on a DNA test when the baby is born & don't break yourself to provide for a child you don't know is yours, or a woman who doesn't sound particularly "yours" either.

It sounds like she has made her choice, as awful as that is. Bow out gracefully. Not your circus, not your monkey etc.

VapeVamp12 · 27/08/2019 10:53

Horrible to say but are you sure the baby is yours?

Seriously if all you're saying is true, she is treating you very badly and I would move out if I were you. If the baby is yours, CMS can calculate maintenance payments but should leave you enough to live on.

MrsWooster · 27/08/2019 11:37

If all is as it sounds, it sounds very like she is reacting to her previous pregnancy experience... she was abandoned and, assuming this is what happens when she’s pregnant, is acting to recreate her expectations... this sounds “victim blamey” and that’s not what I mean, just that we operate to scripts based on our experiences and, without conscious effort and awareness, self sabotage to stock to the familiar.
Of course she also may just be ambivalent about being pregnant and not be all that into you.. if you genuinely love her, give reassurance and support and perhaps she will be able to trust you and herself enough to escape the scripty beliefs or (if she genuinely doesn’t have feelings for you) you separate and you both know you tried and did the decent thing.

Original poster
Expectantdadben · 27/08/2019 12:27

Money isn't an issue fortunately.

I just need to demonstrate that I'm not going to walk out and will always be there. That's where I'm struggling having spent the evening pretending everything was OK (whilst screaming my head off internally) and trying not to storm out...

She still loved me 4 weeks ago but the arguments haven't helped. Who knows if she still feels the same!!?

What can I do to resssure her from a distance?

There's no point taking a conversation/argument to her, it won't get me anywhere.

OP posts:
NeelixFelicis · 27/08/2019 18:34

It sounds like she loved you 4 weeks ago before she found out she was pregnant!

From an outsider it sounds like she's taking the cowards way out now, rejecting you while clinging onto the Other Man, and just hoping you bow out without any fuss for her, and let them get on with the pregnancy.

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