13 weeks and still hates me...

[Expectantdadben]

We had the dating scan last week and I was begrudgingly let in. She barely looked at the screen the entire time.

We had 5 pictures of the baby which she didn't look at and still hasn't

She's still either ignoring me or screaming at me and spending all her spare time with a male friend (I'm his 60's - very odd).

I'm still on the sofa, no closer to any resolution and still doing everything I can for her.

She won't discuss anything and I'm sat patiently waiting for her to initiate any sort of conversation.

I ask how she is every day (usually get a snapped answer), ask if she needs anything and try to be as attentive as possible.

It's not making any difference.

How else can I show support without knowing exactly what she needs?

It's not anyone else's baby.

I'm not delusional but I know my dates.

We've known since end of June and it's only the last 3/4 weeks things have gone south I've got messages from end of July saying she loves me.

Whatever has gone wrong has nothing to do with her cheating or wanting to be with a guy old enough to be her dad so can we please move on from that

She's hormonal, suffering from depression and needs help.

I need to find a way to be there and show her support.

That's what I need help with.

So you've kind of answered your own question then haven't you?

If I'd answered my question I wouldn't have asked it.

I know what I need to do, just don't know how to do it.

I'm not delusional but I know my dates.

Her cycle is regular, you've tracked it, then know that you've definitely had sex during the time frame she was ovulating?
Or you've counted back from the dating scan?

If you've done either of these things, you must have had doubts in the first place. Also, women can have sex more than once in a day. Just saying.

You're positive she hasn't cheated, despite the fact she's rejected you & is spending all her free time having sleepovers with her male friend.

I'm not sure what anyone else can say to you. There's a saying "When someone shows you who they are, believe them".

You say her XP left her in pregnancy. Any chance she was behaving like this then, too? Because most men would leave a rship if they were ignored, rejected & relegated to the sofa, while their GF spent all her time with another man, including sleepovers.

This isn't your problem, it is hers. Of course you want to be there for her, but right now it sounds like your attention is unwanted.
The best thing you could do, would be to gather your dignity along with your belongings, tell her you won't feel like you're in the way of her cosy "friendship", and you will be there for the baby when he/she is born (after a paternity test).

I'm staggered by the lack of empathy towards someone who is clearly struggling and needs real help....

She's also banned her mother from seeing her daughter after last weeks fiasco.

None of this is rational behaviour.

And I'm not even getting into the conversation about whether I'm the dad or not. If that's all you've got to say please keep it to yourself.

Any way, She's text me this morning because the test results have come through and were having a girl.

I've taken the opportunity to reply with a supportive message telling her how much she means to me and that I'll be there no matter what happens.

Hopefully that will get a positive response.

op it's not a lack of empathy ...none of us are professional counsellors we're just trying to give our best advice and opinions on your situation.....your post hasn't painted her in a good light at all and you have had some great comments but you seem to be too negative and defensive to take them on board? anyway congratulations you've found out it's a girl,hopefully your oh will want to proceed with the pregnancy and you can build from here. maybe a retail therapy shopping trip to buy baby outfits will be a nice ice breaker and light hearted conversation starter?

Expectantdadben I'm not sure you have empathy for her.

She has told you she wishes she wasn't pregnant and hates depending on anyone and would rather continue in her cleaning job than feel financially controlled.

She may well have perinatal depression and she certainly has a lot of complicated issues stemming from her previous experience of pregnancy and relationships and from what sounds like a longer history of depression.

However you are not listening to her at all

She wants space, she doesn't want to be financially dependant, she wishes she wasn't pregnant - you're making her feel controlled.

Your intentions may be good but one thing you do not seem to have much of is empathy - you want her to be your happily pregnant exclusive girlfriend and to cut out friend, who's age you can't resist inserting into every mention of him. It's not what she wants is it?

You've only known her 5 minutes and your attitude is paternalistic and patronising tbh - you want her to do what you think is best, not what she does.

You doubtless think you're doing the right thing by giving her money to enable her to stop working but she wants to work, she wants to be independent, and she has told you she finds you controlling.

Give the poor woman space, if you genuinely believe that you have empathy for her.

It sounds unlikely that remaining pregnant is in her best interests, and quite probably being with someone as intense and perhaps unintentionally controlling and smothering as you isn't either.

The issue is you've barely known each other, it's likely she thought she loved you 4 weeks ago but after only 2 months realistically that was just early days butterflies. Maybe the reality of pregnancy has sent her hurtling back to Earth. I'm not trying to be unkind but it's possible she has realised she moved to fast and is completely panicking rather than the depression you are assuming. She responded to the last letter so wrote another. Ask her exactly what she wants and expects from you, does she want to go ahead with the pregnancy. Make it clear if she wants you to stay, it cannot be under these circumstances as it's not fair on anyone including her presumably very confused little daughter. Going on like this isn't an option.

No disrespect but she’s a mess and who starts children after a few weeks of knowing each Other? Good luck.

I have to say you're not coming across particularly well here. I'm sympathetic to your situation of course, but you seem very angry at posters that are trying to help and advise you.

Only you can really know the situation you are in. It's easy to judge but you say you have certain known facts so what I would suggest is this-

It may just be that her mental health isn't good and that this is the reason for her behaviour. If this is the case, it doesn't provide a good foundation for your upcoming family situation if you react in a way that shows you can be walked over when she does feel down. As unfortunate as it is, she may well lose respect for you and that is hard to work around. Instead, give her the emotional space she is demonstrating she wants, and simply say to her (in your chosen form, written if it's easier) that you understand she's struggling and are there to talk when she's ready. Explain that you are going nowhere because you love her and your family (because that's what this now potentially is) and that you'll be moving into the spare room. State that as much as you want to support her, you are a person worthy of respect and that includes a bed to sleep in. Once you've said this, back away from too much emotional input until she comes to you. Show you will follow through on your actions by moving your things into the spare room. Go about working, interacting happily and positively with her daughter, speaking to her in a positive tone if she engages conversation and helping around the home.

Honestly though, give yourself a time limit for this, for your own self-preservation. Your mental health will start to suffer if you continue to be treated in this way and that's unfair. You need to be the best dad you can be, and if she won't come round, that will be as a single father who gives their child a positive space to be in. It may be that you decide that if things don't show considerable improvement in your own set time, you again be clear about the situation and explain you need to make steps to set up your own life for single fatherhood. Hopefully it won't get to that though.

The current situation isn't tolerable, the best way to change it is to make a shift in your own behaviour to instigate a shift in hers. Understand that may take a little time, but always ensure you are showing her you are a stable, kind person who is capable of being a great dad, but is also not going to tolerate being treated badly.

Good luck

You’ve known her 6 mths tops, she’s 12 weeks pregnant, you’re on the couch whilst her pal has the spare room, you’re giving her £400 per week?
I think that’s all the points.
Firstly if you’re intent on staying , move into the spare room; you pay enough.
You need to get her to talk to you or her GP, her behaviour is not normal.
If she really won’t engage then you both need to decide whether this pregnancy should continue because at the moment she doesn’t seem as if she does.
If she wasn’t pregnant you would’ve left long ago.

I'm staggered by the lack of empathy towards someone who is clearly struggling and needs real help....

No you are struggling to listen to what she wants. She’s being very clear.

@Jenu294
Only on MN do you see ‘we only know one side of it’ to a man posting.
Women come on and rant about their unreasonable husband and never is that comment made, never.