"Congratulations. Was it planned?"

[Ginandgingers92]

Why do people ask this?! Usually in the same breath as the initial congrats?!

I don't know if it's just me but I find it really rude!
I also don't see how it's the other person's business or how it would make a difference to their lives if it wasn't!

Had it today, and I wanted to tell that person where to go.. but in that gracious pregnancy announcement glow it's not the done thing is it?!

Am I the only one who outwardly bristles when they hear this?

FWIW.... yes.... it was planned 😂😂

Rudest question anyone could ever ask. I have no idea why anyone would ask this. Makes me cringe.

Congrats, and it wouldn’t matter planned or not, should still share the same amount of joy :)

I wouldn't say it's the rudest question but it's very nosey. It's also very common. People are curious 🤷🏻‍♀️. Prepare yourself op for people also wanting to touch your bump and ask if you know what your having.

@cushioncovers yes, this is number 2 and had that all last time :) don't mind the bump touching if I know the person, but I do think generally people are a bit more aware it's not the done thing anymore!
I once did it to a friend and I still cringe about it 🙈🙈

I hate this!, then they follow that up with are you married?, (if they don't know you so well!) Or you don't look old enough to be a mum!

Haha I'm 27 so maybe I do look young, but yep, married, a mother already. It's bizarre!
I just think, if I said 'no actually, it was all just a happy mistake' what impact would that have on their lives? Just some judgey feeling of my being irresponsible I guess!

Totally get the curiosity, we all get it, and sometimes I'd love to know, but I bite my tongue because I know how I'd feel! 🙈🙈

I do think it's a bit nosey and I'm surprised with the amount of people who ask but I actually think people aren't always judgmental about the response so it doesn't actually bother me so much. Mine wasn't technically planned, although we were very happy as we were going to start trying later this year, but when I've told this to people I don't sense that there would be judgement either way. Maybe from some people but screw them anyway, they're not the kind Id like to surround myself with!

The question about are you married straight after is pretty rude and judgey, I haven't had too much of that though.

I had this with every pregnancy because

a) had been with now DH for less than 6 months with DC1

b) DC2 followed 20months later

c) DC3 a consequent 20months after that

I mean, I’m nearing 40 and want a big family. EVERYONE said it about #3 (because why would you want another baby after a boy and a girl, right?)

It made me angry every time - it infers you’re an irresponsible twat who doesn’t know the basics of contraception.

With DC3 I honestly just said to anyone who said it to me “with two great sleepers we get a lot of free time in the bedroom” which usually did the trick to make the asker regret their choice of words.

I was asked it by a very lovely midwife (I assume it really helped her to know so didn’t mind at all). I said ‘Yes it was IVF after 3.5 years of trying so I don’t suppose you get much more planned than that.’

Reply with two much information.
"yes, I tend to ovulate around the middle of the month so we had sex on the 14th.i think that's when it happened"

@unlimiteddilutingjuice yessss 😂😂 definitely doing this going forward hahaha

So rude! I had this throughout my last pregnancy no number 3. We had a big gap due to medical issues but it was very much planned! Not that it matters. Such a weird question and drove me potty! I'm 35 ffs - I do know about contraception!

I had this when I got pregnant with DS, despite being in my late 30s and with my partner for well over a decade. I tended to reply ‘I don’t think you can actually be asking whether we had a contraception failure, can you?’

I've only ever asked close friends just because unplanned pregnancies can be a shock and they may want support.

That said people asked me loads as I had a close gap but it never bothered me personally.

That's the first thing I said to my best friend when she told me about her second pregnancy. I felt awful afterwards!!

To be fair her circumstances were disastrous with the father and I was shocked she'd even consider it!! (Hate to say it but I was right to be concerned!!)

Like @Glasscrab, I am curt with my replies! I find it so incredibly rude to be so presumptuous. So rude. Like you, OP, I struggle to see how it influences their lives to know that detail. There are a million other, ice-breaking questions that are a 100% more polite.

One colleague got... ‘urm, wow, personal questions...[pause...awkward silence]’ because I was fed up.

I also get it, I work in a male-dominated industry, I’m 37, DH and I have been together a long time and chosen now (clock ticking) to have a baby, and DH has children (G&B) from previous.

DH also gets ‘god, you’re so BRAAAVE for doing this again when yours are self-sufficient!’ Which he laughs at. But I’m most offended by...and usually say ‘well he was a teenager when he had them, so not THAT brave now!’ Or ‘ahem, they aren’t MY children, we wanted a baby TOGETHER...’

Love the idea about replying with too much information to a cheeky question!!

I have asked people this but out of care in my job. Some people aren't happy and don't want congratulations so I check first. If not planned they need different support. So I guess it depends on the context and whether someone is trying to be helpful or just being judgey and nosey.

Urgh. People say such odd, rude things when you are pregnant. There is a big gap between my eldest and my youngest, several people actually had the cheek to ask me if they had the same father...I mean, seriously?!

A bit rude. But i would expect for myself it as i have always told people i didn't want any! Mostly to ward off the "when are you..." question which is even more rude.

@fonxey.... the ‘when are you due?’ question is more rude than ‘was it planned?’

I would be infinitely more comfortable with the latter...

@livinglavidavillanelle I had this as well!! My older boys are 10&8 and daughter is 18 months so the amount of people who presume different dad! I always say actually we had a couple of losses in between and then they get a bit awkward and wish they never asked. So cheeky! I mean I suppose you might wonder but you don't need to ask lol! Even health professionals were asking at hospital appointments! Yes it's the same dad and we've been married nearly 10 years, yes we were younger when we had the other children, yes this baby was planned!

Yes I've had this! I've been married 8 years, have one DC already who is 3, I'm early 30s...

It actually makes me really paranoid because I can't understand why someone would say this without SOMETHING behind the comment. Like do they think we don't have much money, or that we coped really badly with the first DC, or something?!

My own mother when we told her I was pregnant with DC2 when DD1 was 9 months, well that obviously a mistake? No actually it was planned! Well I’m going to tell everyone it was a mistake WTAF
Just another reason I’m NC with her now. DC2 was a disappointment in her eyes as she didn’t have a penis, I was “allowed” to try for a boy.

Are you really asking whether I intentionally had unprotected sex with my DH?

People are bizarre, curious and sometimes rude.

I’ve oddly enough only been asked this once and it was when I was pregnant with #2 and I’d not long gone back to work after having #1 (there’s a 12 mth age gap between them) so I suppose it was a fair question. It didn’t bother me but the poor lass gasped almost as soon she had said it and apologised.