Pregnant and Selfish husband

[Rosie16]

I’m currently 31 weeks pregnant with my second and really struggling with my husband. Generally he’s a good person and he’s a Good father but we row all the time about him drinking and it always ends up being me that’s a bully and manipulative because he just can’t see my side of things.
He’s always liked a drink. He struggles to go a week without something. If he buys a bottle in, it’s usually gone within a few days. Then he’ll get some beers and drink them until they’re gone too. When he has nothing in I notice he says he’s feeling down. I know this is the alcohol.. he doesn’t see it like that though.

I get told all the time how he could go without drink blah blah. But he doesn’t. The problem is when he goes out socially he can’t stop drinking and it becomes a real issue as he’s this fun person around his mates but he’s vile to me when gets home or when we’re on our way home. He will drink and drink and drink. And if I let him he’ll drink some more. This ends in us having a blazing row where he turns into this horrible person, talking me down and making me feel like shit.
Last month we went to a friends bbq. They always have ridiculous amounts of booze in as they’re loaded and always encourage drinking. My husband takes advantage of this as it’s his best mate and within a few hours he’s drank so much I’ve lost track, but he tries to act ‘normal’. After 5 hours there and not drinking and basically being ignored by my husband all night I wanted to go home, and honestly I was uncomfortable and tired. We’d agreed he’d come with me but when the time came he wanted to stay. I wonder why?!
I was annoyed and said well you promised you’d come with me, so he did in a sulk and we ended up having a huge row on the way home as he was being funny with me for dragging him away, even though it was what we’d agreed and he’d already had way too much to drink. We had a blazing row whilst I was driving in which I had to pull over I was that upset from him screaming at me. I dropped him off and went to my mums for the night. The next day he acted like nothing had happened. This is a common occurrence. A similar thing happened only the month before that!
Tomorrow he is going on a Rugby outing and his ‘non-rugby’ friends are joining him. Of course at first I am told that he doesn’t want to drink and get a hang over etc. Now it’s turned into him staying his Bessie mates after (the same one who has ridiculous amounts of booze in) and I was really annoyed as yet again his plans are not made clear to me until the night before. So when I challenge them, I get told I am controlling and jealous. I am not. I am just fed up with him acting like a bachelor when I’m just assumed I will be at home to watch our daughter. It’s as though he deserves these nights out because he earns more than me and it’s beause I have no friends and I’m jealous of him that I try and stop him. I just don’t understand why he can’t go to these functions, enjoy himself and then come home as planned.. why it’s always got to turn into a piss up where he’ll drink himself silly.
It’s becoming a real problem because I barely drank before I was pregnant and frankly i can imagine much better ways to spend my money. We aren’t loaded, we have things that need doing and he’s pissing money away that could be spent on the house.
I was ready to leave him after our last argument and honestly it’s wearing me down. I love my daughter and I worry how we would make it work if we separated. How it would effect her and how it would effect my new baby. My little girl possibly losing her room. How would we sell the house and all that business.
Has anyone else gone through similar? What did you do? How do you cope with it all? I am just sick of being told that I’m a bully and manipulative because he just can’t see my side of things. I wouldn’t be so bothered if the plans were made clear from the off. It’s his bullshit about him not drinking and then it turning into these piss ups!

It's called the demon drink for a reason. You deserve much better than this OP. Would you tolerate your daughter being treated so badly? Treat yourself with the same standards and kindness

No real advice but there must be groups out there that can help. Maybe ask your gp?
Tell him how it makes you feel. He gets help or you leave?
Xxx

My DH is the same . He can’t go a day without drink. Usually at least a bottle of wine a day. He said he would stop drinking when I got pregnant but it lasted less than a week
He’s currently sleeping on the sofa after yet another row
I went non contact with my mother last year as she also can’t put down the bottle and is basically a massive arsehole and has been since I was 13.. I’m sure you’ve probably already tried this but what I wish my father had done (instead of just having affairs) is to have sat her down when she was stone cold sober and told her she had to get professional help or he would leave but he was a coward and would never address it. Just ended up leaving her for another woman and leaving me to deal with the fallout again. Luckily DH isn’t as bad as she was but if he carries on I’ll be having that talk

Sorry but it doesn't sound as though he is a good person or a good father as described in your first paragraph. Read it back and imagine your best friend was telling you, what would your advice be?

Yes I went through similar- i am now happily divorced.

I finally listened to who he was telling me he was - a selfish abusive man child who only put himself first.

Is this really the life you want? Is this the life you want for your children?

It’s a hard one to explain, he doesn’t drink all the time. He isn’t a dick all the time. But when he sees his friends for a day out or whatever, it always results in him drinking excessively and if I try and stop him he turns into a nasty arsehole. If I go along with it, and put up with the hang over the following day he’s fine. It just gets me down that he has to drink so much when he does go out. It’s all or nothing. He’s not like that at home because we don’t have it in. If we buy beers it’s 4/5 and he’ll have maybe 3 one day, 2 the next then they’re gone. Or at the start of the month he’ll buy a bottle of JD and then every every evening he has to have JD and coke until it’s gone. It frustrates me because I don’t think that’s the behaviour of someone who doesn’t have some kind of alcohol dépendance. If I talk to him about it he gets very defensive and it’s very difficult to reason with him. How can you make someone understand?

Update, he’s told me he’s made other arrangements and won’t be drinking. I can’t see how that’s possible, but I’ll have to see.

Growing up with an alcoholic parent is also extremely damaging to your children. Think of them too.

I can vouch for the above

How often is he going out with his friends? And how often does he drink at home?
I think these questions need answering first.

It varies. It depends what’s going on. Sometimes he goes out once a month, sometimes it’s 6 weeks gone. Soon as pay day comes round he’ll buy a bottle of something, like JD or gin. He’ll buy beers throughout the month but he usually knows he can’t buy too many as we haven’t got the money. I don’t mind him drinking at home as we don’t have enough in for him to binge on. It’s when he goes out. I just know what’s coming.
He’s never drunk in front of our daughter. My main issue is that when a social event comes up he usually tells me he’s not drinking much etc and that he’ll be home at this time etc but then at he last minute he’ll change the plans and either the day before or the night of, he’s asking if he can stay at his mates and it’s because he wants to continue drinking. I’ll then have to pick him up the next day and he’s rough and sleeping all day.
I don’t mind him seeing friends, it just feels like he uses them as an excuse to drink. He can’t just go along without drinking. It’s never an option.

I guess I want to know if I am the one in the wrong for trying to put some boundaries in place now we have children. Or if i should let him get on with it and avoid a row in the process.
If someone’s been through this, when did you decide enough was enough and why?

Is he an alcoholic though? I don’t drink, so to me I don’t know what is normal? I could go months and months without a drop. If we have wine in I’ll have a small glass and I’m done. It’s been years since I’ve been out just to get drunk.

His main problem is binge drinking. It’s like he just can’t stop. Sonia this considered being an alcoholic or something else? I really don’t know..

He does not get drunk in front of our daughter. He is not abusive. He is just nasty and says cruel things when he’s drunk. This is when my daughter is asleep or we’ve been out and she’s at a grandparents so she isn’t around to witness this. I appareciate it doesn’t make it right but she doesn’t see this side of her dad.

No you’re not the one in the wrong at all . He needs to grow the fck up! As does my DH who has a very responsible job in teaching and a baby on the way
Last time he went out (before I was pg) I got knocked out of bed by the police bringing him home . It’s not on. Especially when you have dc. If my DH ever gets too drunk in front of our dc when it arrives it will seriously be game over . If he insists on behaving like that then tell him he has to stay at friends so you and dc don’t have to deal with the aftermath

CupoTeap - what was breaking point for you?

So if he's going out with his mates once a month to 6 weeks why does he have to stop?
I am really failing to see the issue here, am I the only one?
If you were saying once or twice a week I'd understand.
And really a couple of beers at home, what is the issue? You've already said he doesn't buy more due to money. Just because you don't drink why can't he?
I also agree that you telling him he can't drink is controlling.

Yes he generally does.. in fact it suits him to stay at mates beause then I can’t challenge how much he’s drinking. I just can’t get my head around it.. why drinkings such an important part of seeing his mates. Most don’t drink half as much as he will when they meet up.

We have friends with young children and I noticed there OH don’t go out half as much as before. I’d say since I had my daughter 2.5 years ago it’s only now we’re having our second that he’s going out a little bit less. It’s like it’s taken him this long to start acting a bit more responsibly.
It just pees me off that he can’t just see his mates then come home.
Luckily the police have never been involved. He’s never started a fight or anything like that. He just acts differently around me when he gets home. He’ll start a row easily if I just say the wrong thing because I’m ratty with him. Now I’ve got another on the way I just want him to start being a bit more responsible because there’s no way I’m staying at home with a newborn and a toddler while he goes out drinking and then wasting the whole weekend feeling dog rough. I feel like weekends should be family time.

I don’t tell him he can’t drink. I never have. I don’t mind him going out once a month. But let’s just get one thing straight.. I don’t go out once a month. I’m the one expected will always be at home so he can plan what he likes. What I don’t agree with here is being told plans of xyz, then getting a phone call an hour before he’s due home to say can you pick me up tomorrow from wherever. I’m not his mother and I’m not a f’in taxi service. I also don’t agree with the amount he drinks. Not long ago he drank a ltr bottle of whiskey and didn’t tell me and then said he’d only had a few and insisted on driving us back on a 3 hour journey! I had no idea until the next day when I asked him where the booze had gone. This is my issue. I don’t see how that’s controlling. It’s wanting to make sure he is drinking responsibly, not putting himself or his pregnant wife in danger.

You seem to be minimizing alot of the stuff he does.

Only binge drinks
Not abusive but says cruel things.

And you are probably fooling yourself if you think this isn't affecting your dd. She can very well sense a tense atmosphere at home. Just because he does not drink everyday it doesnt mean that he doesnt have a problem.

He is an alcoholic and abusive to you.
Do you really want to spend your life worrying about social events when you know exactly what's going to happen.
More importantly do you want to bring your children up in this environment?

So when is he supposed to have downtime
And see his mates?
He can't do it during the week due to work I assume?
Just because you don't enjoy it why is he not allowed?
It's not every weekend is it, so I really don't see the problem.
Just because you are parents doesn't mean you have to stop being individuals and having friends.
You are going to drive a massive wedge between the pair of you if you aren't careful.
He probably stays out as he cannot deal with your nagging.
I will be going out at least once every 6
Weeks with my friends for a drink once my baby is born. I wouldn't expect my partner to stop me.

He drove his family for three hours after drinking a ltr of whiskey?!?!!! Wtf!

@ANewDawn10 how on Earth is he an alcoholic if he has a binge once every 4-6 weeks?
You do know what an alcoholic is don't you?

He's probably abusive because she is trying to control him. In my opinion
Both as bad as each other.

You don't go out because you
Don't want to and you don't drink. You've said so yourself.

The litre of whiskey is an issue with driving that's out of order and put you at risk. I'll give you that but you're now drip feeding

Greggers2017.. if you’ve got nothing nice to say then don’t say anything. What you choose to do is your choice.

I don’t nag him. I don’t stop him from going out. It is the amounts he drinks when he’s out. It cannot be good for him and I don’t see how me wanting him to reduce his drinking is the reason a wedge is being driven between us. Surely him choosing to drink so much on these nights out and the consequences of what happens is what is driving the wedge..

@Rosie16 because he's only doing it every so often and I am just telling you how it is. You're more selfish than he is, trying to stop him drinking and socialising with friends.

I

He is an alcoholic because he can't go a week without drink and because alcohol is having a negative impact on him and his family.

I'm sure OP wouldn't mind him having a social life if he wasn't such an abusive cunt about it.

OP my OH was like this. We split. He realised he had a problem and got help and then we got back together and he is fine now.

Your OH has a problem and he can only fix it when he realises it IS a problem and hits rock bottom. It has to be his decision. You can't do it for him. You can take yourself and your kids out of this shitty situation though.