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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Pregnant and Selfish husband

60 replies

Rosie16 · 17/05/2019 22:59

I’m currently 31 weeks pregnant with my second and really struggling with my husband. Generally he’s a good person and he’s a Good father but we row all the time about him drinking and it always ends up being me that’s a bully and manipulative because he just can’t see my side of things.
He’s always liked a drink. He struggles to go a week without something. If he buys a bottle in, it’s usually gone within a few days. Then he’ll get some beers and drink them until they’re gone too. When he has nothing in I notice he says he’s feeling down. I know this is the alcohol.. he doesn’t see it like that though.

I get told all the time how he could go without drink blah blah. But he doesn’t. The problem is when he goes out socially he can’t stop drinking and it becomes a real issue as he’s this fun person around his mates but he’s vile to me when gets home or when we’re on our way home. He will drink and drink and drink. And if I let him he’ll drink some more. This ends in us having a blazing row where he turns into this horrible person, talking me down and making me feel like shit.
Last month we went to a friends bbq. They always have ridiculous amounts of booze in as they’re loaded and always encourage drinking. My husband takes advantage of this as it’s his best mate and within a few hours he’s drank so much I’ve lost track, but he tries to act ‘normal’. After 5 hours there and not drinking and basically being ignored by my husband all night I wanted to go home, and honestly I was uncomfortable and tired. We’d agreed he’d come with me but when the time came he wanted to stay. I wonder why?!
I was annoyed and said well you promised you’d come with me, so he did in a sulk and we ended up having a huge row on the way home as he was being funny with me for dragging him away, even though it was what we’d agreed and he’d already had way too much to drink. We had a blazing row whilst I was driving in which I had to pull over I was that upset from him screaming at me. I dropped him off and went to my mums for the night. The next day he acted like nothing had happened. This is a common occurrence. A similar thing happened only the month before that!
Tomorrow he is going on a Rugby outing and his ‘non-rugby’ friends are joining him. Of course at first I am told that he doesn’t want to drink and get a hang over etc. Now it’s turned into him staying his Bessie mates after (the same one who has ridiculous amounts of booze in) and I was really annoyed as yet again his plans are not made clear to me until the night before. So when I challenge them, I get told I am controlling and jealous. I am not. I am just fed up with him acting like a bachelor when I’m just assumed I will be at home to watch our daughter. It’s as though he deserves these nights out because he earns more than me and it’s beause I have no friends and I’m jealous of him that I try and stop him. I just don’t understand why he can’t go to these functions, enjoy himself and then come home as planned.. why it’s always got to turn into a piss up where he’ll drink himself silly.
It’s becoming a real problem because I barely drank before I was pregnant and frankly i can imagine much better ways to spend my money. We aren’t loaded, we have things that need doing and he’s pissing money away that could be spent on the house.
I was ready to leave him after our last argument and honestly it’s wearing me down. I love my daughter and I worry how we would make it work if we separated. How it would effect her and how it would effect my new baby. My little girl possibly losing her room. How would we sell the house and all that business.
Has anyone else gone through similar? What did you do? How do you cope with it all? I am just sick of being told that I’m a bully and manipulative because he just can’t see my side of things. I wouldn’t be so bothered if the plans were made clear from the off. It’s his bullshit about him not drinking and then it turning into these piss ups!

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 18/05/2019 15:02

Drinking all day is clearly not healthy. Sounds like he can polish off maybe 50 units in a binge. Scary amounts.
I couldn’t be with someone whose drinking was so excessive and who seemed not to have (or want) any control over it. And as for being a nasty drunk? You need to end that. If he won’t stop drinking (and you can’t make him) then he needs to go.

Greggers2017 · 18/05/2019 15:02

If you want to know if somebody is drinking too much or being fair to you. That is information that is usually what you'd
Provide. Doubles and triples is next level for me. From your original post I got the impression it was normal excessive pints with the lads.
The level you've now said I would be massively pissed off. The cost of those drinks is extortionate.

Wolfiefan · 18/05/2019 15:04

“Normal excessive”?
There is no such thing. Excessive isn’t normal.
I wish people would stop normalising unhealthy binge drinking. Sad

Greggers2017 · 18/05/2019 15:04

And I'm sorry if I upset you earlier on but my opinion would have been completely different if you'd have said those details to start with.

Onlyinanemergency · 18/05/2019 15:12

Greggers, it appears to be you who doesn't know what problem drinking is. This absolutely fits the bill. I know because this was me 10 years ago and it nearly wrecked my marriage. Stop giving the OP a hard time!

Natasha4767 · 18/05/2019 15:48

3 years ago I was you, about to have my 2nd baby by him. I never really drank when not pregnant. I used to get notts in the bottom of my tummy when we used to go places and he would drink as he'd never know when to stop and then he would be awful to me.

I ended up leaving when my baby was 10 months old i had a 2 year old and a 3 year old too it was the best thing I did and haven't looked back.

It never gets better 😩

Graphista · 18/05/2019 15:53

Is he really drinking as infrequently as you're claiming/think? Might be useful to diarise when and roughly how much. And bear in mind he's likely drinking more than you think anyway. Being able to drink a litre of whisky and still be fairly with it is worrying! That indicates he has a pretty high tolerance.

And the drink driving is COMPLETELY out of order!!

To me yes he seems to be an alcoholic, and he IS abusive, verbal abuse and the emotional abuse of putting you in a position where you daren't challenge him IS abuse.

I know it's considered a faux pas on mn but honestly you knew what he was like, why did you have children with him? Or at best you knew becoming a father didn't make him grow up and take responsibility after having your first so why have a second with him?

I'm the child of an alcoholic too, it's bloody miserable and far from an acceptable way to parent but you don't sound ready to accept that:

A he's an alcoholic
B you're enabling him to a degree
C that there's nothing you can do about it
D that the best thing you could do for you and your kids is leave!

He has no reason to change as things are now, he can just carry on, ignore your "nagging" and still get the benefits of a family life and home.

Only you can change what you will tolerate.

Greggers I think it's you that doesn't understand what an alcoholic is, binge drinking is definitely recognised as one form, frankly your defensiveness and minimising on this thread strongly suggests you have issues of your own with alcohol.

"It’s his only chance to drink.. " except it's not is it? You've already said he's drinking a fair bit at home too. And that's the drinking you know about! I'm afraid the drink driving incident is unforgivable of BOTH of you, you knew he'd had a drink, enough to be belligerent and you not only let him drive (you could have called the police or at least enlisted a friend or family member to intervene) you got in the car! You certainly could have refused to get in the car, I would have and have done so on a few occasions AND told the potential drivers if they get behind the wheel I'll be straight onto the police and meant it!

"I'm a substance misuse worker" bullshit! And if you are you need better training! Or else you've become so jaded and immune you need to quit.

"I understand the importance of having an identity as well as just a Mum" which doesn't have to involve alcohol.

Not all alcoholics drink every day or even every week.

In this case he is drinking most days/weeks anyway, and that was clear from op's posts even before what YOU claim as a drip feed (and if you were a substance abuse specialist you'd be experienced at reading between the lines anyway) he's not only drinking when he's out seeing friends, op is doing a LOT of minimising. Someone who can drink AT LEAST a litre of whisky and still seem remotely capable of driving definitely has a problem!

"Didn’t realise I needed to write a detailed report" you didn't - it was obviously clear to myself and others prior to that supposed "drip feed" post that your husband does have a major issue with alcohol.

Op contact a support organisation for those close to alcoholics eg al anon and honestly again I say as the child of an alcoholic the best thing you can do for your kids is leave. He's not interested in even discussing it so you've little chance of getting him to change his behaviour any time soon, your eldest will start noticing and being directly affected and you cannot underestimate the harm this can do.

SignedUpJust4This · 18/05/2019 16:03

Only if safe to do so OP you may want to film or record the way he is when he is drunk and show it to him or his family when he sobers up. Be careful though. Get a friend to help or record his ranting in your pocket. Don't make him angry.

Rosie16 · 18/05/2019 17:16

I’ve done this before (recorded him) it just felt wrong and the next day I would delete.

With regards to what the other person says. It’s very difficult when you’re the none drinker married to someone who drinks. When you love someone you play down what has happened on occasion to make yourself feel better. Perhaps I shouldn’t have had children with him. But it’s also very difficult throwing away something you’ve both worked towards for 10 years. That’s all I will say on that one.
I think anyone who’s been through similar and has walked away will say it was probably the most difficult thing to do. I’m just not ready at the moment. I’m not using my pregnancy as an excuse but it definitely makes it harder to just leave. You feel like you want to do everything you can to try and make things work first. Maybe I do enable it to a degree to avoid an argument. But when I had my daughter the situation didn’t seem as bad as we didn’t live local to his friends. The visits home and binging is far worse when he hangs out with friends. Often the booze is free so he will drink a LOT more than if he was to go out out. We moved closer to family and friends when my daughter was 6 months and so he would see friends more often and it is definitely exasibated when he seen his best mate (the one with a lot of money who literally has bottles and bottles of booze in) they encourage him to stay over and drink and honestly that has made things worse. I don’t know if that makes sense. He hasn’t always been this bad. We have had rows before when we would go out on nights out but maybe as his earning have gone up he definitely buys more alcohol in. His situation with friends has changed so he wants to see them more than when we lived 60 miles away. It’s not that I had this man who drank all the time and I thought.. hey, let’s get married and have kids!
You start to normalise your lifestyle to a degree. He comes from a family who like a drink, so to him it’s totally normal to go and binge yourself silly.
And yes he has an incredibly high tolerance to alcohol. I think makes things worse as he doesn’t realise it’s effectinh him.

I think when he gets back tomorrow I will have a chat with him about things and if things don’t improve I know what I need to do. I don’t want it to impact on our children.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 18/05/2019 21:46

But you’ve told him before how you feel? So what do you actually want to happen?

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