Pregnant and Selfish husband

[Rosie16]

I’m currently 31 weeks pregnant with my second and really struggling with my husband. Generally he’s a good person and he’s a Good father but we row all the time about him drinking and it always ends up being me that’s a bully and manipulative because he just can’t see my side of things.
He’s always liked a drink. He struggles to go a week without something. If he buys a bottle in, it’s usually gone within a few days. Then he’ll get some beers and drink them until they’re gone too. When he has nothing in I notice he says he’s feeling down. I know this is the alcohol.. he doesn’t see it like that though.

I get told all the time how he could go without drink blah blah. But he doesn’t. The problem is when he goes out socially he can’t stop drinking and it becomes a real issue as he’s this fun person around his mates but he’s vile to me when gets home or when we’re on our way home. He will drink and drink and drink. And if I let him he’ll drink some more. This ends in us having a blazing row where he turns into this horrible person, talking me down and making me feel like shit.
Last month we went to a friends bbq. They always have ridiculous amounts of booze in as they’re loaded and always encourage drinking. My husband takes advantage of this as it’s his best mate and within a few hours he’s drank so much I’ve lost track, but he tries to act ‘normal’. After 5 hours there and not drinking and basically being ignored by my husband all night I wanted to go home, and honestly I was uncomfortable and tired. We’d agreed he’d come with me but when the time came he wanted to stay. I wonder why?!
I was annoyed and said well you promised you’d come with me, so he did in a sulk and we ended up having a huge row on the way home as he was being funny with me for dragging him away, even though it was what we’d agreed and he’d already had way too much to drink. We had a blazing row whilst I was driving in which I had to pull over I was that upset from him screaming at me. I dropped him off and went to my mums for the night. The next day he acted like nothing had happened. This is a common occurrence. A similar thing happened only the month before that!
Tomorrow he is going on a Rugby outing and his ‘non-rugby’ friends are joining him. Of course at first I am told that he doesn’t want to drink and get a hang over etc. Now it’s turned into him staying his Bessie mates after (the same one who has ridiculous amounts of booze in) and I was really annoyed as yet again his plans are not made clear to me until the night before. So when I challenge them, I get told I am controlling and jealous. I am not. I am just fed up with him acting like a bachelor when I’m just assumed I will be at home to watch our daughter. It’s as though he deserves these nights out because he earns more than me and it’s beause I have no friends and I’m jealous of him that I try and stop him. I just don’t understand why he can’t go to these functions, enjoy himself and then come home as planned.. why it’s always got to turn into a piss up where he’ll drink himself silly.
It’s becoming a real problem because I barely drank before I was pregnant and frankly i can imagine much better ways to spend my money. We aren’t loaded, we have things that need doing and he’s pissing money away that could be spent on the house.
I was ready to leave him after our last argument and honestly it’s wearing me down. I love my daughter and I worry how we would make it work if we separated. How it would effect her and how it would effect my new baby. My little girl possibly losing her room. How would we sell the house and all that business.
Has anyone else gone through similar? What did you do? How do you cope with it all? I am just sick of being told that I’m a bully and manipulative because he just can’t see my side of things. I wouldn’t be so bothered if the plans were made clear from the off. It’s his bullshit about him not drinking and then it turning into these piss ups!

He drove me. Our daughter wasn’t there. He refused point blank to give me the keys. Insisted he’d hardly had anything. I believed him as I didn’t know he’d been going to and from the car to top up his drink of coke with whiskey. It was his idea to save money.. I asked where the whiskey was the next day and then he said he’d shared it with other people which was utter rubbish. This is my point. It’s the drinking when we’re out. It’s his only chance to drink.. I get that. But I cannot understand why he can’t stop and then as a consequence does stupid things. Or as I said in my original post if I try and pull him away at the time we agreed because everyone else is going and it’s what we agreed that’s when he’ll start being nasty with me and moody.

He’s a liar and he’s nasty when he drinks. His drinking affects his family. He has a problem. Have you ever approached Al Anon for support?
Ultimately you can’t change his drinking. You can only change your response. Mine would be to leave.

Alcoholic? Really? You
Really need to do more research.

He his binging once every 4-6
Weeks with the odd couple in the house.

I'm a substance misuse worker I know what an alcoholic/somebody alcohol dependent is. My hubby drinks on a Friday and Saturday he's definitely not an alcoholic.

Does he also get so drunk he doesn’t know what he’s doing? As that is so dangerous
DH gets to that point EVERYTIME he goes out. He can’t remember what he’s done , I’ve picked him off the hallway floor covered in blood. He’s lost an hour between being put in the taxi and getting home which is a ten min journey and lost all his possessions at the same time . He has no idea why the police brought him home that night. The list goes on and on . I keep telling him he will end up dead/seriously injured/ arrested/ sacked etc and each time he has a week long dose of ‘the fear’ where he’s sick with paranoia not knowing what happened and saying he’s never getting that drunk again, and then he does it again.

Nah thanks. Don't need any research. He may not binge every day but he drinks every day and cannot go without it. So is addicted. Congrats on the job title.

He doesn't drink every day she's even said that. She said he sometimes buys beers or
JD for at home but she doesn't mind that. It's the binging she mindsz

The day my partner lied to me about how much he’d drank and then drove us both somewhere after a litre of whisky would be the day I made preparations to move out.

Having said that, you said he admitted to ‘having a few’ which would have put him over the drink driving limit anyway. You were okay getting in the car with him when he was knowingly too drunk to drive? I can not fathom that.

He has a problem with alcohol and it’s already causing stress between you both and he’s put your life at risk. At this stage as it’s been going on so long you’ve become an enabler. Every time he asks to stay out and whether you’ll collect him the next day and you agree to do so you’re just enabling his shitty behaviour which isn’t that of a married father.

He won’t change so it’s up to you. Would you be happy staying with him if it was like this forever? If not then are you willing to leave? I wouldn’t be raising a family with a man like this who was incapable of having a few drinks at a barbecue and then going home after having a nice time. It’s like dating a fifteen year old who’s just discovered alcohol.

@Greggers2017. He’s not having a couple of drinks at home. OP says he buys a bottle of spirits and drinks the whole thing in a few days. Plus beers. Plus going out and binging then acting like an arsehole to his wife.
That’s a problem.

Okay Greggers2017. I’m a former substance misuse worker :) being physically dependent on alcohol isn’t the only metric for having an alcohol problem. Being unable to stop drinking when you start, drinking causing problems with family and friends, having a financial impact, all of those can be indicators of an alcohol problem. You can have an alcohol problem and only drink once per week. Whether you label that ‘alcoholic’ or not is semantics.

Ultimately, whether this guy believes himself to have an alcohol problem doesn’t really matter. What matters is that OP is being affected, he has put them both in grave danger, she doesn’t want to raise a family with a man who gets wasted regularly (and getting that drunk once a week or month is regularly, on top or drinking at home) and that’s her right.

It’s really odd frankly that as a substance misuse worker you’re trying to downplay the impact this guy’s drinking is having on his wife.

OP, from the NHS site:

Someone you know may be misusing alcohol if:

they regularly exceed the lower-risk daily limit for alcohol
they're sometimes unable to remember what happened the night before because of their drinking
they fail to do what was expected of them as a result of their drinking – for example, missing an appointment or work because of being drunk or hungover

we are so desentisised to alcohol in this country we forget that it’s a drug he’s imbibing on a regular basis. And when he’s doing so he can’t stop. It’s not normal for a married father to be unable to have a few drinks and then go home with his pregnant wife without ending up wasted and starting an argument while she’s driving until she’s in tears. It’s bizarre you’d try to minimise that. Being a substance misuse worker may have desensitised you to harmful patterns of behaviour as you’re seeing the extreme end of the spectrum day in day out.

Hugs OP.

I was really annoyed as yet again his plans are not made clear to me until the night before.

What would have said if he’d told you if his plan a week before? Would you have spent the week telling him not to go?

No, I’d say that’s fine but make your own way back. Surely that’s fair?
I have been asked in front of his mates if he can stay over and can I come fetch him the next day. If I say no it makes me look like I’m being harsh. It’s embarrassing..
but I have a daughter and we often have plans the next day I have to work around because I have to go fetch my husband. Getting a taxi back isn’t always an option because it’s expensive (we don’t live near his mates).
All of these questions is making me feel even more depressed than I was last night..

Thank you Emeraldrubyshark.
That is exactly the situation. To me I look at other couple in our friendship group. They go to nights out/socials/weddings.. whatever it is and they leave together. Often neither are drinking because one is looking after the child the other is driving or maybe one if having a few but they leave together. Wherever I go with my husband to these do’s I’m not drinking as I’m either the driver or like now I am pregnant so obviously I’m not drinking. It is assumed I will always drive as in my OHs eyes I don’t drink enough so it would be mean for me to be the drinker and him drive. I’ve come to except that, and so I always drive. But as I said he will often not want to leave with me at the end of a night because he wants to be the last one standing. I find that unfair and upsetting that he doesn’t wish to leave with me. I’m certainly not the first to leave, I try and be accommodating and understanding. But it just gets to the point where you dread these events whether you decide to go and make an effort or if you stay away and let them get on with it.

So what’s your plan?

Haha @greggers good luck going out that often once your baby arrives 😊

I’m really sorry this is happening to you.

As someone who had to grow up around an alcoholic parent and uncles - he definitely sounds like he has a big alcohol problem. Whoever says you have to drink every day or even every week to be an alcoholic has no idea what that word actually means. Being an alcoholic isn’t strictly about what and how often you drink. And he does seem to drink regularly, that just as an aside. It’s also very much about how alcohol affects you emotionally and your behaviour.

What you describe sounds very concerning and honestly, I would advise him to see a doctor. Which he won’t, because he’ll claim he has no problem and can stop any time. Which he never will without help.

And honestly, he sounds emotionally abusive in relation to his drinking. Of course he doesn’t give you a hard time if you just shut up about it and let him do what he wants. It’s the nasty things he says when you don’t play along to his tune that you need to listen to.

I really hope he will be open to seeking help... It’s tough to say but for me as a kid the happiest time was when my parents were separated and I only had to see my father every other week. I loved him. He didn’t drink every day, but when he did he got stubborn and scary and said mean things. Kids pick up on this very early on and to this day I am scarred by the memory of how scared I was of my own father sometimes.

@mrsBudd it's my 4th always managed it. My partner and I take it in turns or grandparents babysit. I understand the importance of having an identity as well as just a Mum

Can I just say I don't condone the drink driving that's disgusting.
OP hasn't said how much he does
Drink when he's out with mates. One Persons idea of too much is different from anothers.
Also if he's that bad why on Earth is she having another baby with him?

Greggers2017. I think you’re missing the point to my posts. My husband has an identity. So do I. I see friends, but I tend to do things with mums and children now. That’s my choice. My husband still does things for him and he regularly sees his friends. He goes to the gym most nights, he’s been on 5 stag does in 2 years, 3 of which were abroad I might add which I had no objection to while I stayed at home. He has just finished the rugby season where he would go out every Saturday from 1.00 - 6.00 to play and had a night out twice with the other lads. I am not a controlling person. I only object to him drinking excessively. By excessively I mean upwards of 10 double/triples and then in beers as well. And he will drink all day when he’s on these binges. He could polish off an entire bottle of rum/gin/whiskey to himself if he so chooses in one sitting and still carry on. When he drinks he is unreasonable, nasty, he has a short fuse and I struggle to have a conversation with him without it turning into an argument. I don’t get what you think is healthy about that. So if you disagree then I suggest you find another thread as you aren’t helping or offering any kind words of advice other than to back up his reasons for doing so which is really odd for someone who is meant to help people with substance problems.
Please leave this thread alone.

To be fair OP, the most recent update makes it sound much worse than it did in your original post. I think you're being a bit harsh to @Greggers2017

@Rosie16 ironic that your saying your husband turns nasty after a drink and I presume you haven't had one.

You've added extra information now, that's called a drip feed. If you'd put that at the beginning my opinion would have been completely different because that is massively excessive. At the beginning you
Just put out with friends drinking too
Much. Everybody with an ounce of common sense knows from the information you've just put that it's massively taking the piss but you left that out.
Also you didn't put about his gym and rugby. How was anybody supposed to know that? 🤷‍♀️ as far as I was concerned you put he goes out once every four to 6 weeks.
Reading your last post my opinion of your partner has changed massively. And no
I don't think he being fair to you now at all.

OP, if you don’t want to engage with a poster simply ignore them. You can’t prevent them posting and you’re just giving them a reaction if you do reply and argue. You don’t have to justify or defend yourself to anybody on here :) take the advice that suits and blank the rest.

Didn’t realise I needed to write a detailed report

Also I haven’t added extra information. My original post mentions the arguments we have start because of the drink he’s had. I mentioned then he is nasty and says hurtful things. I am not familiar with mumsnet. I signed up last night. Didn’t realise I had experts on here whom need me to document his alcohol consumption in units so that advice can be tailored. Surely it doesn’t matter the quantity he consumes it’s how it effects his overall behaviour. I’m done with this now.
Thanks for all who have offered some good advice and helpful support.
To those who are questioning why I am having another child. Because we’re a family. I want my daughter to have a sibling. We’re married. We have a home together. He’s not a monster. He’s someone who can’t handle his drink and I am struggling with how I can make this person see the damage it’s doing. It’s not a black and white situation. Being told I shouldn’t have another child is just damn right rude and hurtful.

Horrible situation, I feel for you as I am in a similar relationship. I don't end it because I won't leave my children with him. I'm the only thing that keeps him (mostly) sober. So every now and again I have to tolerate an outburst or worse. Then he won't drink for weeks , months, but with a bad attitude about it.. despite it being his instigation.. but then always, he manages to justify alcohol.

Nothing to suggest, I just wish I had made a better decision when he showed me who he was early in the relationship and hadn't believed who he said he was.

And everyone saying ltb... when it's your reality and your reality is (a) living on universal credit and (b) being forced to leave your children with a selfish, feckless, alcoholic... it's not so simple.