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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Who went with you to your 12 week scan?

59 replies

AndBeholdAWhiteHorse · 14/05/2019 05:50

I'm still waiting for a date for my 12 week scan to come through and was talking to DP the other day about him coming. He said from the beginning he would come but has now said only if he can get away from work. Whilst I understand he is v busy I feel a little upset about it particularly because I have had two bleeds and two scans already (he didn't come to either) and he has two children already (he went to both). I'm now considering just asking my mum instead and saying to him he doesn't need to come at all if he can't make it. I don't want to cause myself any further upset. This pregnancy has already caused us a few issues which are resolved now.

So I just wondered if anyone else had someone who wasnt the father go with them and who?

OP posts:

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EnjoyItAll · 14/05/2019 07:47

My dh came to booking appointment and both scans and will hopefully be able to come to the additional scans. He should be able to book 2 appointments off I believe it is but we were given short notice for our first so I would have a back up plan just in case as my dh would need to give notice due to his job but we were lucky and they fell during his time off. I go alone to midwife appointments though as they are 10 mins on average and just blood pressure and urine check although I did get to hear the heartbeat.

Hiphopopotamous · 14/05/2019 07:53

I go on my own to the midwife, DH managed at the last minute to be able to attend the scans, otherwise I'd have asked my mum (didn't fancy going alone in case of bad news).

WeepingWillowWeepingWino · 14/05/2019 07:54

DH came to all my scans but as I’d had a lot of MCs before I had a lot of scans and they were all nerve-wracking.

In your case I would be really cross if he didn’t come. Are you sure the issues are resolved? It doesn’t sound like it if he’s not excited to come and wants to support you.

ineedaholidaynow · 14/05/2019 07:57

DH came to both scans, although nearly missed the first one as parking at the hospital was atrocious and so dropped me off and then went off to find a parking space. I was then called in early and he hadn’t appeared, I just burst in to tears as didn’t want him to miss it, so they let someone else go in front of me!

He also managed to come to most midwife appointments but I know that is quite unusual. But the midwife held them in the evenings, and DH and I car shared at that point so dropped in on the way home.

mynameiscalypso · 14/05/2019 08:00

Nobody. My DH had a meeting and, like you, I'd had a couple of early scans because of bleeding so I knew that everything was as okay as it could be at that stage. My mum would have been far too anxious.

Mintypea5 · 14/05/2019 08:03

DH came to both my 12 week scans for our children. He went to our 10 month olds 20 week and growth scans too. He'll come to this babies as well

For DS1 my DP at the time couldn't come so my best friend came with me instead. Was lovely

CherryPavlova · 14/05/2019 08:07

I hardly ever had my husband with me at any appointments. The 16 week scan when I was pregnant after two stillbirths he came to. He was there at the births but otherwise I’m not sure why he would need to be there.

redstapler · 14/05/2019 08:08

On my own to all scans and appointments

WhenZogateSuperworm · 14/05/2019 08:10

DH came to the 12 and 20 week scan but every other appointment (midwife, consultant, growth scan) I went to alone. I didn’t feel the need for him to come.

Dontbeadick · 14/05/2019 08:12

I think by law he's allowed time off for 2 appointments. If he can go, then brilliant. If not, then have your mum on standby. I would have wanted someone with me if DP couldn't make it

Sessy19 · 14/05/2019 08:14

I would be extremely annoyed if my OH had said that he couldn’t make it to the scan, particularly because this is my first and he has done this before with his ex.

I don’t care how childish I might sound, it’s important to me that he duly prioritises this pregnancy when required, since I have no choice other than to prioritise his children when they are with us. I consider it common decency.

As it happens, my OH would take leave days if necessary because he’s so into this pregnancy!

Would it be possible to negotiate the scan time/date, put DP on the spot and ask him to rearrange the scan to a time that he CAN commit wholeheartedly to? I was able to delay my scan because my OH was overseas with work on the first date I got. He was prepared to reschedule the trip but it would have cost him business, so I asked to change and had the scan a week later. I never even contemplated going alone or without OH.

Steamfan · 14/05/2019 08:15

No one

Andrea91 · 14/05/2019 08:17

I took my mum as my DH couldn't get away from work as was last min appointment. But partner can take unpaid leave to attend a few appointments.

Tunnockswafer · 14/05/2019 08:18

12 and 20 week scans dh, employers have to allow reasonable time off for fathers to attend scans! I’ve been at an earlier scan without him and lost the baby, telling him after was one of the hardest things.
In a normal pg the two scans mentioned are ones an involved father should attend, and if he’s too important for that it does not bode well for him taking time off when you’ve a sick child to look after. He needs to behave like a father.

Tunnockswafer · 14/05/2019 08:20

I really wouldn’t let him not prioritise this OP, your mum is a good substitute but what does it say to you and you future baby that he did this for other children and another wife, but not for you?

windysowindy · 14/05/2019 08:29

All for first baby, now he will come to the early scan and for the rest watch our DC

Doubtoftheordinary · 14/05/2019 08:31

My DH came with me. Originally he wasn't going to be able to make it as he had an inflexible work commitment, but I called and changed the appointment to a day that he could make. Could that be an option for you, OP? I'm at a very busy hospital in a major city and was sceptical that they would be able to rearrange, but you never know if you don't ask!

Original poster

AndBeholdAWhiteHorse · 14/05/2019 08:33

Thank you all for your replies. It seems a mixed response. I asked him again this morning but more gently and he said he'd make it (I hope my letter comes today!) so hopefully he won't back out. My mum will be there for me at short notice if needed as she did with my other ones and has been a rock to me.

To the PP who asked if issues are resolved...I believe they are. I think he hadn't experienced sickness like I've had with his ex and thought I was overreacting but I explained to him I have genuinely been unwell and I think he is more understanding of this now. Of course, it also helps I'm getting better.

OP posts:

Huggybear16 · 14/05/2019 08:34

My sister came with me to mine, she came to all my scan appointments.

Rememberallball · 14/05/2019 08:43

I realise I’m lucky that DH isn’t working at the moment (looking for work after relocating over 200 miles) so has been able to come to every appointment so far and will be at my 20 Week Scan this week. We’ve had 2 midwife appointments, a scan and 2 consultant appointments and, from this week, will be seen every 2 weeks between scan&ANC at hospital and community midwife appointments. He will come to every appointment that I’m offered and he can physically make it to as they are as much his children as they are mine so he has a vested interest in being there and being part of the decision making process about them and their care/delivery as well as being interested in my health and care during this pregnancy.

EmeraldRubyShark · 14/05/2019 09:18

I think it’s important for partners to attend scans if possible as it’s their opportunity to see the baby and helps with bonding, and be there for you in case it’s bad news. But attending midwife appointments is a bit much I think and I don’t know anyone who took their partner to the booking appointment for example.

MrsHormonal2019 · 14/05/2019 09:38

Men are entitled to time off for scans mind. It's in citizens advice

Tunnockswafer · 14/05/2019 10:56

I would think a partner who attended literally every midwife appointment with the mother would raise some red flags! I know midwives want to talk to you alone at some point to check for domestic abuse (as there is a rise in this when pregnant) but also just because discussion of my piles and my blood pressure aren’t really any of dh’s business.

EmeraldRubyShark · 14/05/2019 11:06

I agree Tunnocks. It would be super weird for a woman’s partner to ensure he was there for every single midwife appointment. Especially as some of them are super quick just to check your blood pressure and uterus size. It would definitely raise eyebrows if a midwife never saw a woman alone and any midwife worth her salt would ensure she found a way to speak to the woman alone during appointments to make sure she wasn’t being coerced.

ineedaholidaynow · 14/05/2019 13:35

I hope the MW didn't think that about me! DH came to most of my appointments but that was because DH and I worked near each other so only used one car to get to and from work and the MLU was on the way home and the midwife kindly arranged appointments so we could pop in on the way home. As DH was there he came in too. We were usually the only people there as MW was on shift looking after the mothers/babies, so if there was someone giving birth we would lose our appointment.

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