Who went with you to your 12 week scan?

[AndBeholdAWhiteHorse]

I'm still waiting for a date for my 12 week scan to come through and was talking to DP the other day about him coming. He said from the beginning he would come but has now said only if he can get away from work. Whilst I understand he is v busy I feel a little upset about it particularly because I have had two bleeds and two scans already (he didn't come to either) and he has two children already (he went to both). I'm now considering just asking my mum instead and saying to him he doesn't need to come at all if he can't make it. I don't want to cause myself any further upset. This pregnancy has already caused us a few issues which are resolved now.

So I just wondered if anyone else had someone who wasnt the father go with them and who?

DP will be coming to mine with me. Its my fourth, and his fourth, but our first child together. We have had lots of EPU scans so far, so it wouldnt have bothered me that much if he hadnt been able to come to this one, but happily he can.

How terribly judgemental to think that a father who’s interested and excited enough to want to be involved in the whole pregnancy, including midwife appointments is weird and/or abusive!!! I’ll let my OH know, thanks

My DP came to it. They're legally entitled to come.

I would have been very upset with him had he not discussed this with his boss and got it off and asserted his rights

DH did booking in appt and both scans with my first. This time he didn't bother coming to the booking in appt but he did come to the consultant appt and 12w scan. He is planning on coming to the 20w scan too.

sessy it is one of the signs that nurses and midwives have to look out for though, it's a classic sign of abuse. It is of course the sign of a normal caring partner with time on their hands to come to them all, but it is also a red flag we have to look out for and will try to get the woman on their own at some point.

It’s not the procedure I’d object to, it’s shitty comments from Super-Authorities here that a father showing interest in a pregnancy is to be judged as weird or inappropriate. My OH is quite welcome at all my appointments, and I’m pleased that he’s interested.

@sessy19, totally agree with you. I want DH at my appointments with me - he would be my advocate if I couldn’t speak for myself so needs to know what is going on, what’s been discussed and agreed up to any given point and, as I said in my earlier post, they’re also his babies that are growing inside me so he gets to be part of the discussions, care and decision making processes!!

It will not be a fun day for any HCP that turns him away from my ANC appointments/scans!!

My husband came to our first ‘12 week’ scan, along with the student midwife who I’m a caseholding client for, but I was found to be only 10w 5d so we had to rebook for a week and a half later. He couldn’t get that morning off work so I ended up going to that one on my own. Student midwife was also supposed to be there but they called me in early and she hadn’t arrived so she missed it too. I’d had an early scan at 7w 3d due to previous miscarriage, and he was there for that one. He’s not been to either of my midwife appointments so far, but hopefully should be able to come to the next one (not until the end of July as this is my second pregnancy so you barely see a midwife).

You can spot the first time parents on here a mile off

And a man can only be part of the “decision making process” about stuff that happens to your body with your express consent. It’s not the bloody handmaid’s tale.

I went to my booking in appointment alone, my 12 week scan with dh (found out it was twins). After that we had regular appointments which I attended alone apart from the anomaly and private sex scan. He couldn't take loads of time off and I had appointments every two week so it made sense to go alone to those.

In my area you only got the "12 week" scan though think mine were both booked in earlier than that (about 10 weeks I think). I went on my own both times as DH was at work. I didn't think too much about it tbh.

DH came to all scans so far, 10 wk, 12 wk and 20 wk. Not to MW apts though and unlikely to make consultant either.
I have at least 3 more scans to go and he may not make all of them, but he hopes to.

If it is completely unavoidable eg a job where you don’t get the choice then fair enough. But not making an effort would be a big issue for me. It is OUR baby not mine.

For our first 3 my husband came to 12 and 20 weeks scans. Few midwife appointments if he was off work too. They do ask you to come into the room on your own before the appointment to ask about your relationship/domestic violence etc. regardless of who you are with in my experience so I doubt it's only raised if your oh is with you. My friend came to my 12 week this time as my husband had to work (self employed so no entitlement with pay) but he regretted it, he had day off for my 20 week though and has attended 2 extra scans I've had since. It depends on you and your partner I guess, the waiting room is full of women on their own when I've been too.x

I'd be upset if my husband wasn't coming to the 12 week scan too, it bothered me this time a bit that mine couldnt make it but it was a joint decision for financial reasons and he's been to loads of scans with me for our previous baby's. He was sad to miss it on the day. If pp's are right and he had the right to attend under his employment but just chooses not to, I'd be upset too. X

DH came with me to the 20 week scans but not to any others, I went by myself.

My husband came to them with me. Tbh if he couldn't I'd rather go on my own. Personally I just don't like the thought or idea of another family member being there for any part of it. To me it's for my husband and I only.

It will not be a fun day for any HCP that turns him away from my ANC appointments/scans!!

Showing fear or anxiety (which often manifests in anger) at the idea of being seen apart from your partner would be a significant red flag. Most normal non abusive couples can understand that it’s part of the midwife’s job to enquire after your safety at home/relationship safety and that it can only be properly done when you’re on your own, and can cope with ten minutes in separate rooms during an appointment.

Of course even if you do show some anxiety over this being a routine part of your antenatal care and you insist that everything is fine and he’s just interested/supportive they’ll take your word for it but they’ll be cautious and keeping an eye out in case any other red flags pop up. It’s really not normal for a woman to be unable to or unwilling to have a few minutes alone with the midwife during her antenatal care.

Meant to add: if things really are fine at home the best thing you can do is accept that every single woman is asked to see the midwife alone at times and tell her honestly he’s just interested and supportive. Kicking and screaming just makes it look like you’re terrified to be apart from him (which is often because the woman fears the consequences when she gets home of him wanting to know what she said).

For many women in abusive relationships this could be the first opportunity in a long time to have a minute’s space from her abuser and be able to let someone know she’s in danger. Your anger suggests you have no idea how many women this policy helps. things may be fine for you in your relationship but if this practice stopped women being abused and kept under metaphorical or physical lock and key could continue to go their entire pregnancy with midwives thinking everything’s fine when she’s being badly abused.

Hope that explains more thoroughly to you Rememberallball!

@EmeraldRubyShark, nope midwife shows no issue with him being at the appointments - in fact has been pleased to see him so far. I’m not terrified of him at all - he is my husband and my choice of father for my expected children. There is no anxiety or fear of him - the man is a soft as soft is!! Definitely no DV in our relationship.

I do understand it helps women in those situations and am not saying the policy should be stopped but that is not me and I won’t have people tell me or him he can’t be there - and if they do I will also leave. I have nothing I hide from my husband and that includes health matters.

@Tunnockswafer, I choose that my husband has the ultimate decision if I cannot make it - he knows far better than some HCP who has met me for 5 minutes in a busy clinic appointment what I would want in a situation and will advocate on my behalf if the situation arises. He does have my express consent and has done from the day we got together!! Never watched Handmaid’s Tale as don’t watch tv dramas so can’t comment on what it is about!!

I do understand it helps women in those situations and am not saying the policy should be stopped but that is not me and I won’t have people tell me or him he can’t be there - and if they do I will also leave. I have nothing I hide from my husband and that includes health matters.

So you haven’t once, even for a few minutes, spent time with your midwife alone? If so that’s pretty shocking. She has no way of knowing whether he’s there constantly because he’s loving and caring or whether he’s abusive. That’s genuinely poor on their behalf.

And are you honestly saying if the midwife asked to see you alone for five minutes you would get up and leave rather than do so? That’s a really weirdly hard headed approach to a super normal part of antenatal care, and I guarantee would raise some serious red flags even if the midwife kept her concern to herself and didn’t let on that she was worried for you.

Is this coming from you or your husband btw? Would be be okay with you seeing the midwife alone for a few moments? Or is he equally ‘if she tries to insist we’ll leave’? Or is that just your stance?

Screw that, you're going to miss a whole lot of work and he can't duck out of one meeting? He's entitled to time off for two appointments.

The two scans can pick up on problems that you would want support for. Very much hope it's all ok, but if it's not then scans are when you find out. Not something to do alone.

I'd want a much better reason than a work meeting for him not to come, FFS.

We had to have an early scan at 10 weeks last time and this time too. My husband came to the 10 week and 20 week last time and will this time as well.

@Rememberallball it's only a couple of minutes out of the whole appointment, he's not missing out on anything at all. These policies are there to protect women who do suffer from DV so surely you're OK with not obstructing this, for their sake. If you think of it in another way, a child is taken by its parents to A&E with serious injuries that could potentially by a result of abuse/DV, would you rather the medical professionals have a duty of care to ask the child questions in every single case or not be duty bound to ask these questions at all with the parents being entitled to reject them potentially endangering the children who are at risk? We all should be supportive of any policy to protect other women and unborn babies by complying and answering a couple of questions in private, if they don't apply to you there's no issue, it's not personal it's to help those who do need it. If your husband as caring as you say, surely he'd see it this way too. If we could all refuse to answer and have medical appointments then the real victims would never be supported.