Who went with you to your 12 week scan?

[AndBeholdAWhiteHorse]

I'm still waiting for a date for my 12 week scan to come through and was talking to DP the other day about him coming. He said from the beginning he would come but has now said only if he can get away from work. Whilst I understand he is v busy I feel a little upset about it particularly because I have had two bleeds and two scans already (he didn't come to either) and he has two children already (he went to both). I'm now considering just asking my mum instead and saying to him he doesn't need to come at all if he can't make it. I don't want to cause myself any further upset. This pregnancy has already caused us a few issues which are resolved now.

So I just wondered if anyone else had someone who wasnt the father go with them and who?

@emeraldrubyshark, it’s is entirely from me and, yes if she asked him to leave, I would go with him. As it happens, she hasn’t asked him to leave nor have any questions be raised regarding DV at the appointments. Anything she wants to ask me can be done in front of him - as she did regarding my past obstetric history. He has been with me throughout both appointments I’ve had with her so far and for both consultant appointments (transferred hospitals so been seen at both so far) and the only reason he wouldn’t come to future appointments would be if he has started a new job.

@Justus22, as I said before, I haven’t said I want the policy withdrawn just that it is not relevant to me so there is no need to ask DH to leave for her to ask unnecessary questions which will not illicit any answers I wouldn’t give in front of him.

@Rememberallball yes I know what you meant but don't you see they need you to have to comply with speaking to them briefly alone or else the policy wouldn't work for those it does seek to. If every woman could refuse to be seen alone for this part of the appointment then the abuser could prevent them from ever being spoken to confidentialy and being kept safe. The policy only works if its not optional. It's not personal or about shutting your caring husband out or denying him any experience during your pregnancy, it's a couple of private questions that you can just explain dont apply to you and then invite your husband back in. It's much bigger than you it's about the safety of women and their unborn children who are at risk from DV.

I haven’t said I want the policy withdrawn just that it is not relevant to me so there is no need to ask DH to leave
What nonsense. There is no way to distinguish between your situation and that of a woman being abused, so how on earth can your midwife know that you are absolutely fine but other women presenting in the same way are not?
Next time dh has a prostate exam or I have a smear i’ll be demanding we go together, as we don’t have any secrets either.

No one

do understand it helps women in those situations and am not saying the policy should be stopped but that is not me and I won’t have people tell me or him he can’t be there - and if they do I will also leave.
So you're causing worry and extra work for your midwife for fuck all, because you're too stubborn. How on earth do you expect us to differentiate that from woman who refuses to be alone because her partner will beat her afterwards?

@prequelle, given she’s not actually bothered asking me about my home life - no, I’m not causing her any extra work!

Rememberallball at your booking appointment circa 8-10 weeks did your midwife not ask you about your home circumstances/environment, relationship, and whether you felt safe? If not then she’s made a mistake as that’s a standard part of the booking appointment designed to pick up on issues. Unless you last had maternity care a significant length of time ago?

Agree with prequelle though. If you were asked to see the midwife alone and refused out of some misplaced sense of loyalty to your husband/togetherness, that’s unreasonable. You can’t simultaneously approve of the policy (which helps women) whole also refusing to ever so slightly inconvenience yourself by going along with it. Midwives aren’t mind readers, they haven’t a clue whether you’re in a loving supportive relationship or being terrorised by a man who won’t let you out of his sight for a second.

@emeraldrubystark, no she didn’t ask apart from where do I live (as in address) and who else lives there. Then again, she ticked other boxes for things she also didn’t ask and, when doing referral to hospital for scan, had changed sleeve gastrectomy to IBS and had added psoriasis to a diagnosis of RA. And my previous pregnancies (20 years and 12 years) ago never got beyond 12 weeks and both ended without maternity care.

And no, it’s not out of any misplaced loyalty to my husband - it’s entirely my choice.

@Tunnockswafer, feel better after your patronising comment?? Well done, round of applause!!