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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Telling BIL&SIL about pregnancy

60 replies

HeartvsHead · 15/04/2019 20:20

I am approaching 12 weeks with DC2 and unsure how best to share the news with my BIL&SIL. They have been trying for a baby for years and recently been denied IVF due to various health reasons and are now in the process of adopting.

DH thinks we should go over together and sit down and tell them both but I think this might put them on the spot and if they are upset they have no where to go.

I think it might be better for him to tell his brother and let him tell SIL to allow them the time to get their heads around it before having to see us in a social setting.

With DC1 we didn't know about them trying and SIL burst into tears and ran out the room (understandably) and I don't want to put her in that position again. When she asked me a few months ago if we were thinking about a second I was very honest with her as I felt it was fair to let her know it was possibly on the horizon (as opposed to every other person that has asked who got the vague 'oh you know, we will see')

What do you think would be best to do? Thanks in advance for any advice.

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AnneLovesGilbert · 15/04/2019 20:23

You’re right. And congratulations

Face to face can be very difficult because, as you saw last time, if the person being told finds it very difficult to hear it’s awful for everyone.

99calmbeforethestorm · 15/04/2019 20:25

Definitely don’t do it face to face to allow her time to comes to terms with it.

Angelinthenightx · 15/04/2019 20:29

I think in person maybe too much for her to cope with, i think it is best that he tells his brother so i think your right,i know if i were her id find that the easiest way to handle,im sure she will be happy for u but she will be upset it isnt her.
Congratulations on your pregnancy x

ApplestheHare · 15/04/2019 20:29

Congratulations

Definitely don't go round and break the news in person. Either you or DH should message and let them know. I wouldn't send any pictures of positive tests or scans.

Original poster

HeartvsHead · 15/04/2019 21:28

That was my gut feeling but DH thinks it will be weird if I 'hide away' from telling them personally.

I know she will ultimately be happy for us (she dotes on DC1) but finding out will bring with it a whole flood of emotions.

OP posts:

ApplestheHare · 16/04/2019 15:27

HeartvsHead if you're really close to her then you could message her and just say you wanted to let her know yourself and understand it might be difficult news based on your last conversation about it?

afternoontwee · 16/04/2019 15:41

I think you're being really lovely about this. Maybe your OH telling his brother and in a few days, a follow-up message from you to her to check in on how she is doing? You could ask her to let you know when she feels ready to meet up, and then have a (non-baby talk) catch-up? Let her set the pace of when she feels up to it.

HJWT · 16/04/2019 15:44

@HeartvsHead Get DH to tell his DB! I am guessing she knows it is coming after your chat but still let her come to terms with it in her own time then come to you! Xx

Sleepinglemon · 16/04/2019 15:47

You are totally right. DH is wrong. We had a very similar situation. My DH thought the same as your DH. I thought the same as you. In the end DH told his DM and she somehow let it slip to BIL and SIL. DH had already arranged for us to go round and then they knew why and asked us not to come. It was awful. Luckily after 2 years of trying they happened to conceive 2 months after us and all was forgotten.

MsSquiz · 16/04/2019 15:56

Weirdly I'm in quite a similar position. DH and I have just found out I am pregnant, and we plan on telling his mum on her birthday in a couple of weeks. We have already told BIL1 & SIL1 (DH's brother and his wife) as we are very close to them and SIL1 has been a very good support throughout us TTC.
SIL2 & BIL2 (DH's sister and her husband) on the other hand have no children, have done multiple rounds of IVF with only 1 working out, but ended with a MMC at Christmas.

I have asked DH to tell SIL2 face to face by himself as I know she will take the news badly. There was a pregnancy in the extended family last year and she could not congratulate the couple as she felt too bitter about it.
I (selfishly) don't want to be there when he tells her. Aside from the fact she doesn't particularly like or talk to me, I don't want her reaction to affect how I feel about our much wanted baby.

Our plan is for DH to tell her face to face 1 or 2 days before we tell his parents at his mum's birthday meal. He will tell her what we are planning and ask her not to tell MIL. I fully expect that she won't come to the meal as it will be too difficult for her.

It's so difficult to be excited about something you know hurts someone else, but I don't know why else to do

Teddybear45 · 16/04/2019 16:07

Don’t do it face to face. I had that done to me by my brother and it really was difficult for me to perform through my initial feelings. Might be better to text them jointly with an offer to meet up that relies on them contacting you.

Original poster

HeartvsHead · 16/04/2019 23:57

Thank you all for your advice. It's really useful.

It's taken us a while to get pregnant this time round so I'm more aware of the heartache and the rollercoaster emotions of ttc than I was before with DC1. There's not a lot we can do to help them in their journey (except give a glowing reference to the adoption people) but I'm desperate to do anything we can do to not make it worse.

OP posts:

Original poster

HeartvsHead · 17/04/2019 00:03

Also @MsSquiz I totally get where you are coming from. It's not selfish at all. You have a right to be happy about your pregnancy. I've accepted that other than being a surrogate for my SIL there is nothing I can do to change her ttc journey. It's right to be sensitive to others but equally you have to live your life. We really hoped it would happen for them before we started thinking about DS2 but that is not the way life goes.

OP posts:

EL8888 · 17/04/2019 00:07

I also think face to face isn’t a good idea. I think a message is better so they can digest and get used to it. My partner and l are struggling to conceive so are mindful about how other people’s news feels

InceyWinceyette · 17/04/2019 01:02

•MeSquiz* Are you sure that’s a good plan? that sounds very hard for your SIL, and asking her to effectively keep it a secret, not seek support from her Mum, so that you can make this very News into a huge hoopla as a birthday announcement...and she is then even precluded from her own Mum’s birthday meal, well that seems to be running salt in the wound.

MsSquiz · 17/04/2019 04:26

@InceyWinceyette it may not be the best plan, but that is how SH and I have agreed to deal with it. It's such a difficult situation.

It will be for a matter of 24 hours that we ask her not to her their mum - should the fact that my SIL will be hurt by our news trump the fact that DH would like to tell his mum on her birthday that we are expecting?

We are considering her feelings and not just letting her find out when we tell MIL, the same way we are considering her feelings having DH speak to her face to face, rather than her finding out last or from MIL or even from a text!

Should we have to play down our news? Where does that stop? Do I then not talk about the pregnancy or our child if we are both at PIL's house?

MsSquiz · 17/04/2019 04:28

@InceyWinceyette also, just to clarify, she would in be included in the meal, it would be her choice not to go.

I'm sure if it was her who was pregnant, she would make her announcement how she wanted to. In fact, she did, before the MMC, without any consideration of how DH and I might feel as we had been yet to conceive.

InceyWinceyette · 17/04/2019 07:23

But had you been through fertility problems and failed IVF?
Of course you are happy about your own pg, and of course you will celebrate with your family and SIL and BIL will deal with their own pain.

But if you really think that this will make it emotionally hard for her to attend her own Mum’s birthday meal at which her brother proudly announced the grandchild that she has been unable to have as a sort of birthday present, don’t you think her Mum will be sad not to have her daughter at her birthday meal?

In your MIL’s position I would be very conflicted and wish you had told me separately so that I could be happy (over the moon happy) without being sad that my Dd had been too raw to attend my party because of the announcement.

TrashKitten10 · 17/04/2019 07:32

@HeartvsHead I think you're being very sensitive in considering this. I agree about sending a text, ideally at a time you know they're both at home and can process the news together.

@MsSquiz You've clearly already made your mind up but your plan sounds so cruel to your SIL, who you don't seem to care about at all. Yes it would technically be her choice to miss the birthday but anyone can see that you are realistically forcing her decision by making the whole event about fawning over your pregnancy. She's been trying for years with multiple failures and a loss, unless your own journey has been so traumatic then her announcement is not comparable. Even if it was, be the better person and treat her with more kindness. She's going through a horrific time and is probably now starting to realise that she may never have the family she dreams of. Her sadness does not in anyway take away from your happiness over your pregnancy and I think it's ridiculous to suggest it would. You get the rest of your lives to enjoy having a family and she may never get to that point, come out of your pregnancy bubble and have a bit of empathy for the poor woman.

MsSquiz · 17/04/2019 07:47

No I haven't been through IVF but we have struggled to conceive for a long time (we just haven't discussed it with the family as she has chosen to)

I have spoken a lot to our other SIL who has been through multiple rounds of IVF and talked about our plans with her. In fact, it was her who suggested that DH speak to her face to face and that MIL would love to find out our news on her birthday.

I am in a no win situation here...
yes I can consider SIL's feelings to the point where I don't fully enjoy my pregnancy because I am spending more time worrying about her feelings. Is that fair to me and DH?

Surely it would be far more cruel to just send a text round to the family or have her sit there as we tell people at lunch?

I have also discussed this whole situation in my weekly counselling sessions prior to even becoming pregnant as we don't have the best relationship (SIL and I) and that it was always going to be an awful situation.

SIL often doesn't attend birthday lunches as she often has work conflicts.

Also, you cannot say her sadness doesn't take away from our happiness. Of course it does, I would be heartless to think otherwise. I won't be calling her up to discuss pregnancy cravings. I will only talk to her about it if she wishes to talk about it. We are very aware of her feelings, and that is why we have chosen to tell her and MIL the way we are.

If she were pregnant, I wouldn't begrudge her announcing it however she wanted to. We are trying to consider her sadness, MIL's excitement and our excitement which is very difficult to do

MsSquiz · 17/04/2019 07:49

And just to add, other than my in laws, I have no family. My DM died 2 years ago and I have no one else.
So I don't get to be happy and excited with my side of the family to balance it out

Blueuggboots · 17/04/2019 07:55

I would text her. Say something like
"Hi SIL. I just wanted to mention that I'm pregnant. I know that's probably hard news for you so I wanted to drop a text so you have time to process it rather than putting you on the spot like last time. Xxx"

LetsDoThisAgain · 17/04/2019 08:16

After reading tons of threads of women either in your position or your SIL's, absolutely do Not tell her in person or on the phone.

Send her a text message instead, I think anything else puts her on the spot. With a text she can privately react however she's going to react.

After the last time I'm shocked your husband would want to risk putting her in the humiliating position of bursting into tears in front of you again or even over the phone. His POV is incredibly insensitive.

RingOfAppreciation · 17/04/2019 08:17

@MsSquiz on the one hand you say she announced her pregnancy without any consideration for how you and you DH would feel, and then in another post you say you haven’t shared your struggles with the family, so how was she supposed to know?

It’s up to you, but it seems unnecessarily cruel the way you’ve chosen to do it. Your DH knows his sister the best, so perhaps face to face is the right way in this case, and I don’t blame you for not wanting to be there for that, but to then take over your MILs birthday meal, knowing full well that your SIL probably won’t come? Don’t you think your MIL will know something is up if your SIL suddenly cancels and might be sad not to have her daughter, who has recently had a miscarriage, there to celebrate her birthday? Do you live really far away from your in laws and this is the only opportunity you’ll have to tell them face to face?

MsSquiz · 17/04/2019 08:25

@RingOfAppreciation she knew we were TTC but we didn't discuss details with her.

And no, we don't live far away, but DH would like to tell his Mum we are expecting our first child at her birthday meal. The meal is on the Sunday, her birthday is the Monday. More often that not, SIL doesn't attend meals (for birthdays or normal Sunday lunches) as she works every Sunday.

Clearly DH and I are heartless and cruel for wanting to share this with his DM on her birthday. I won't get to share anything about this pregnancy with my DM, so maybe that is making us selfish.

I guess DH and his sister can talk it all through together. He wants to tell her face to face and I think that's fair. He knows she will be hurt and upset, we are not expecting her to be excited and all smiles straightaway! But I think she deserves to hear it from her brother than via another family member. And I wouldn't want to put her in the position where she was having to hide her reaction so as to not upset me.

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