Telling BIL&SIL about pregnancy

[HeartvsHead]

I am approaching 12 weeks with DC2 and unsure how best to share the news with my BIL&SIL. They have been trying for a baby for years and recently been denied IVF due to various health reasons and are now in the process of adopting.

DH thinks we should go over together and sit down and tell them both but I think this might put them on the spot and if they are upset they have no where to go.

I think it might be better for him to tell his brother and let him tell SIL to allow them the time to get their heads around it before having to see us in a social setting.

With DC1 we didn't know about them trying and SIL burst into tears and ran out the room (understandably) and I don't want to put her in that position again. When she asked me a few months ago if we were thinking about a second I was very honest with her as I felt it was fair to let her know it was possibly on the horizon (as opposed to every other person that has asked who got the vague 'oh you know, we will see')

What do you think would be best to do? Thanks in advance for any advice.

Ah @MsSquiz, PLEASE get DH to send her a message in advance rather than turn up in person.

After two IVF miscarriages I promise you it’s the telling-in-person that is hardest. Whatever you think about how she might be able to speak honestly with her brother, it’s too much to do face to face. Either she has to pretend to be ok or she tells him she isn’t ok and cries and he feels bad.

Seriously. Ignoring all the “announcing at a family meal” stuff, tell her by text. Go round the next day if he has to, but tell her by text.

Infertility isn’t logical and it doesn’t mean she isn’t happy for you, but tell her by text.

"HJWT

@MsSquiz I think you are doing the right thing, obviously it is very hard for SIL but that shouldn't take away from your excitement and how you want to announce your pregnancy!"

Yeah, fuck her and her feelings and infertility, it's all about you and your excitement and doing things your way no matter who gets hurt. 🤷🏻‍♀️

@MsSquiz I think you also need to consider what your MIL will want too. As much as she will be delighted for you both, she will also (likely) feel concerned for her daughter and disappointed she isn't there at her birthday meal when she realises she's sat at home upset. I don't think your MIL will want that.

Why not go round to see her before or after the meal with a bottle of fizz and tell her then when it's more private. Her reaction will be just as special as doing it in this public manner. That way the lunch is about your MIL, not you, and your SIL can be there too.

You should listen to the advice and reaction you've received on this forum. You do seem intent on making this all about you, sorry.

@MsSquiz sorry I know you said you were stepping away from this thread. First of all congratulations!

Please tell your MIL separately maybe the next day? Almost something exactly the same happened amongst my siblings (I'm neither party) it's caused an awful feeling across everyone. My DM has confided in me that she wishes my sibling hadn't announced the pregnancy in that way as although she was ecstatic it's put a bitter taste in her mouth as she feels guilty that her other daughter was sat at home herself upset. She has cried to me on numerous occasions. My sister that announced her pregnancy doesn't know about this and maintains she was sensitive and did it the right way. Why don't you tell your SIL the day before - whatever way you think is right - say you won't announce it at the meal. If she doesn't come to the meal for work you could announce your pregnancy without any guilt for anyone. If she comes to the meal maybe go round and tell MIL the next day?

@HelloRose good suggestions. That’s a bit of a compromise

MsSquiz - such a mean thing to do. Yes she can ‘suck it up’ but why on earth would you do something that would knowingly really hurt her. Your MIL will not thank you for this. She will automatically think about her own daughters feelings. Yes, happy about the baby, but she won’t want this. I feel so sorry for your poor SIL.

After the barrage of messages, I have decided to find out if SIL is planning to come to the lunch (before we tell SIL about the baby)
If she is not planning to come, we will tell MIL at the lunch.
If she is planning to come, we will tell MIL on the Monday, at her house, with whoever is there.

It will be one or the other, whichever SIL isn't attending

DH will still be telling SIL face to face (as I have previously said, that is how we know she would want to find out)

Thank you to @Dillydallyingthrough & @HelloRose who both managed to write their posts without insulting me or DH.

This wasn't my thread, I never asked for opinions and there was never any need for people to be so rude and insulting on my post, which wasn't even like the advice the Op had asked for

I think if they are very upset over it then a message from brother to brother is best. Or brother can mention to his brother. Then his brother can tell his wife. If it were me, I would want them to tell me not face to face so I can process it.

MsSquiz, I think you have come to a very good solution.
Congratulations on your pregnancy.